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<p>“Nope, not at all.”</p>
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<p>She snorted, shook her head. “Do you see the guff I must put up with, my dear?” she asked me, a look of long-suffering pain on her face. “I build a relationship with sweat and blood, and am repaid in snark and tired humor.”</p>
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<p>“Don’t listen to her,” Tule said. “She’s just being a dramagogue.”</p>
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<p>I laughed. “I remember that, too,” I said. “And I guess that’s sort of the problem. I remember what it is about you that drew Cress and Tule, and I’m as much a Marshan as they are, so here I am, feeling awkward about being around you because I remember those months of hyperfixation, and then the comfortable normal that you settled into afterwards.”</p>
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<p>I laughed. “I remember that, too,” I said. “And I guess that’s sort of the problem. I remember what it is about you that drew Cress and Tule — or, at least what drew Tule — and I’m as much a Marshan as they are, so here I am, feeling awkward about being around you because I remember those months of hyperfixation, and then the comfortable normal that you settled into afterwards.”</p>
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<p>All three of them smiled, all three looked a bit bashful.</p>
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<p>“You’re all really cute together, is what I’m saying.”</p>
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<p>Dry Grass gave a hint of a bow. “We do try, I believe.” She reached forward to the box of empty skewers and tapped it against the edge of the box, cycling through options until she wound up with another set of sliced chicken to drop into the bubbling broth before her. “Are these memories of us, of Tule’s relationship, clashing with your lived experience to date? And how about those of Sedge and Rush?”</p>
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<p>More food sounded good, if only for something for me to do, so I tapped through options until I came up with a skewer of fish cakes — Dry Grass having requested we bypass my usual choice of thin-sliced pork for her own dietary restrictions — which I let slip into the bubbling pot. “Since Sedge incorporated Tule’s memories wholesale, they weren’t exactly tainted. And besides, they mostly tallied with those of Cress.”</p>
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<p>“‘Mostly’?” Cress asked, frowning.</p>
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<p>“Not in a bad way. There was some reconciliation to be done, that’s just the way of things. Where they didn’t line up, it wasn’t really a matter of the base feelings just the…uh, color, I guess. The different ways they felt.”</p>
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<p>It subsided back into its seat, nodding. “We talked a lot about this before–”</p>
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<p>“Oh, I know.”</p>
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<p>It smirked, continuing, “We talked a lot about it, and I was pretty sure we were on the same page, but I got hung up on worrying about that all the same.”</p>
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<p>Tule nodded, saying, “Right, and I know there’s only so much we can assure you that this is all earnest, that just because it was me that introduced you two, it is no less earnest.”</p>
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<p>Cress nodded and reached across the table to pat at the back of Tule’s hand. </p>
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<p>More food sounded good, if only for something for me to do, so I tapped through options until I came up with a skewer of fish cakes — Dry Grass having requested we bypass my usual choice of thin-sliced pork for her own dietary restrictions — which I let slip into the bubbling pot. “Since Sedge’s merge-down fork incorporated Tule’s memories wholesale, they weren’t exactly tainted. And besides, they mostly tallied with what Sedge, Rush, and I know of you already.”</p>
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<p>“That does not quite answer my question,” she said gently, lifting her skewer and nudging the slivers of chicken onto a bit of rice in her bowl. “I am pleased to hear that there was no great clash up against what you know of us. What I would like to know, however, is how memories of being in a relationship with someone are fitting in with your lived experience of not being in one with them. We have met, yes? Attended the same dinner parties? We have seen each other here and there. Throughout all of that, I have just been that weird old woman that lives with Cress, and then with Tule, and now some part of you remembers, I suppose, loving me.”</p>
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<p>Following her lead, I pulled my own skewers and rested them on my bowl of rice. It was a good distraction, a moment for me to think as I nudged the fish cakes off of the skewer onto a bite of rice.</p>
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<p>Or, well, I had hoped that I would have a chance to think. Instead, I found my mind hopelessly empty. Instead, I found my thoughts focused on trying to get the chili-stained fish to stay atop that morsel of rice, on trying to get as much of that as possible held in the precarious grip of my chopsticks, on trying to fit it all in my mouth without looking like a complete idiot.</p>
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<p>The rice was too dry or too sticky, the fish cakes too chewy or too spicy, the bite too big and yet over with far too soon for me to make anything that could be considered headway on the topic at hand.</p>
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<p><em>What a dumbass,</em> I thought to myself.</p>
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<p>Aloud, I said, “I don’t know. I guess that’s not all that eloquent, but it’s only been a few days now, and…well, yeah, you’re right. There’s a part of me that remembers being in a relationship with you and all that goes with that. I–”</p>
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<p>Tule looked aghast. Cress, laughing, shook its head. “Oh my <em>god,</em> Reed.”</p>
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<p>“Hush, my dear,” Dry Grass said. “Had he not brought it up, I would have asked after the memories of sex next.”</p>
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<p>“<em>Love!</em>” Tule said, burying his face in his hands.</p>
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<p>“<em>Love!</em>” she echoed, laughing and leaning over to kiss his cheek. “This is the future we have found ourselves in, and it is a future entire, not some clean story stripped of references to gross anatomy and base desires. Reed, please continue.”</p>
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<p>The exchange had led to a flush of embarrassment of my own. I had been talking about emotions with that “all that goes with that” phrase, but I suspected that Dry Grass was right to bring the topic of sex up sooner rather than later. That she had done so so adroitly, with humor and not a shred of bashfulness about her certainly helped to ease the humiliation that I felt brush past me. I was able to master it for the time being — or at least ignore the burning in my cheeks — in order to continue on. </p>
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<p>“There’s a part of me that remembers everything, but it still feels just like that, memories,” I said. “I could dredge up any one conversation, but none in particular stick out to me in the same way as a conversation that I’d experienced directly would. The memories are there, and I’ll be reminded of them, but they’re not at the forefront unless something happens to bring them up.”</p>
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<p>Both Cress and Tule visibly relaxed. “So it’s not exactly something you’re thinking about, then?”</p>
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<p>“Well…” I started, then stalled out.</p>
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<p>“I suspect he might not be,” Dry Grass said, speaking slowly with her curious gaze lingering on me, as though prepared to stop at the first sign of me jumping in. “Except for the fact that we have been working together quite closely these last few days, yes? That is part of why we are here now, is it not?”</p>
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<p>I nodded. “I guess so. If things were…uh, more normal, then I guess there might be a strange moment or two at dinner parties, but we’ve been together more often than not the last few days, so it’s…I don’t know. It’s weird.”</p>
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<p>“I bet,” Tule mumbled. He still looked flushed from the previous rush of embarrassment. “I can’t imagine what that must be like.”</p>
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<p>“Surreal,” I said, laughing. “It’s really highlighted just how parallel our lives are, because I’ll be reminded of all of these things when you speak, Dry Grass, or by the way you look or move, and it’ll mean two different things to me.”</p>
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<p>“Is that unpleasant?” she asked.</p>
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<p>I shook my head vehemently. “Not at all, no. I can even mostly ignore it. It’s like a dream that sticks with you through the day, you know? Except that it’s a year of memories that are sticking with me for a few days, now.”</p>
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<p>“Do you <em>want</em> to ignore it?”</p>
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<p>“How do you mean?”</p>
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<p>She sat back in her chair, folding her hands over her stomach. “Well, you could continue on as you are, ignoring these concurrences as they arise, or you could act on this new life that you have been given. You could request that we not work so closely together for a while, for instance. This is a perfectly cromulent thing to ask of someone, yes? You have an issue to work through, the issue is spurred by someone’s presence, them not being around would alleviate that stress, hey presto. There is your solution.</p>
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<p>“You could talk about it more, much as we are doing now. That is just as valid an act. If you would like to engage with these memories actively, then there is nothing stopping you from doing so, least of all me.” Her faint smile slipped into a smirk as she added, “Hell, you could ask me on a date, if you wanted, since you already have memories of that going well.”</p>
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<p>“Oh my <em>god,</em> love,” Cress said, giggling. “Are you aiming to net the whole clade?” </p>
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<p>She smiled primly. “Would that be so bad? Though I believe I shall pass on Lily.”</p>
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<p>The three of us Marshans laughed.</p>
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<p>“Jokes aside,” she said once we had calmed down, “what I am asking is if ignoring these memories is comfortable for you. I suspect not entirely, or we would not be having this conversation.”</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-11-05</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-11-06</p>
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</footer>
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