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Madison Scott-Clary
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<h1 id="codrin-balancastor-2325">Codrin Bălan#Castor — 2325</h1>
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<p>It was difficult for Codrin Bălan to reengage with the project at hand after what seemed to be an ever-mounting pile of oddities.</p>
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<p>It was not simply that ey had been finding piece after piece of new-to-em information about those that ey loved — though it was also that — nor was it that eir entire clade seemed to be entangled far deeper into something going further back than expected — though it was that as well — but that, by virtual of the twin launches and the L<sub>5</sub> system remaining back around Earth, ey was limited to reading much of this over plain text. Text that had flowed over sheets of paper in a comfortable font, bound itself up in books, and begged to be pored over, stood itself before em and said, “Read me, understand me.” It all added one layer of remove that, despite eir attraction to the written work and fine paper and comfortable fonts and nice books, left em feeling caught up in some dreamlike state of almost-understanding.</p>
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<p>It was not simply that ey had been finding piece after piece of new-to-em information about those that ey loved — though it was also that — nor was it that eir entire clade seemed to be entangled far deeper into something going further back than expected — though it was that as well — but that, by virtual of the twin launches and the L<sub>5</sub> system remaining back around Earth, ey was limited to reading much of this over plain text. Text that had flowed over sheets of paper in a comfortable font, bound itself up in books, and begged to be pored over, stood itself before em and said, “Read me, understand me.” It all added one layer of remove that, despite eir attraction to the written word and fine paper and comfortable fonts and nice books, left em feeling caught up in some dreamlike state of almost-understanding.</p>
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<p>As an example, there was this seemingly universal agreement among the Odists that no one of them should be the one to tell the entirety of the tale, and each for their own reasons. There seemed to be shame bound up in all of them, in some way, but beyond that, both instances of Dear had diverged to the point where the foxes were starting to come up with their own explanations for not providing that info to their respective Codrins Bălan.</p>
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<p>Why was it, for instance, that Codrin#Pollux had decided to simply interview Dear, where ey had not? And what was ey, Codrin#Castor, to do with the information that Dear had shared with eir cocladist? Hell, was cocladist even the right word, at this point? That seemed to imply a down-tree instance that one could still access.</p>
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<p><em>I want to die,</em> the fox had said. How had Codrin#Pollux even begun to deal with that bit of information? When ey read those words, in eir comfortable font on eir fine paper in eir nice books, ey had cried.</p>
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<p>Ey had cried and closed the book and paced eir way out into the prairie outside the house, where ey had cried some more. Ey had not walked any new paths that day, simply walked to the outermost cairn that ey could find, sat down next to it, and watered the thirsty grass with a grief ey could not name.</p>
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<p>And that ey could not name it only added to that unnerving sense of remove. It wasn’t just sadness or grief. It wasn’t the type of feeling that one might experience at the actual loss of a loved one. It wasn’t the type of feeling that one experienced on learning that a loved one bore within its heart thoughts of suicide. Neither of those were true. Ey knew that, had ey been the one to conduct the interview, ey would have had much the same reaction as the other Codrin had (ey suspected, for all ey had was the transcript), but instead, ey had this cottony shield of time and distance that meant that ey could process it at eir own pace. Ey go sit out in the prairie and cry and then come to an understanding of Dear’s desire that ey couldn’t have any hope of doing, were the fox sitting before em.</p>
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<p>And that ey could not name it only added to that unnerving sense of remove. It wasn’t just sadness or grief. It wasn’t the type of feeling that one might experience at the actual loss of a loved one. It wasn’t the type of feeling that one experienced on learning that a loved one bore within its heart thoughts of suicide. Neither of those were true. Ey knew that, had ey been the one to conduct the interview, ey would have had much the same reaction as the other Codrin had (ey suspected, for all ey had was the transcript), but instead, ey had this cottony shield of time and distance that meant that ey could process it at eir own pace. Ey could go sit out in the prairie and cry and then come to an understanding of Dear’s desire that ey couldn’t have any hope of doing, were the fox sitting before em.</p>
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<p>With this distance, both from the interview and from Dear itself, ey could remember its words: <em>“I just think we need death, or something like it, as part of the system. Death. Fear of death. Needs and reasons to survive in the face of an inevitable end. We need a way for an individual to end. We need a way to release those memories.”</em> Ey could remember those words and understand the sudden too-full feeling of discomfort that had come with them. Immortality came with its own costs, and it was not simply that one might grow bored, but that one might go mad.</p>
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<p>But ey hadn’t interviewed Dear, had ey? Codrin#Pollux had. Codrin#Pollux had that trauma in a way that ey did not.</p>
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<p>And Ioan! The wondrous strange hints that eir down-tree fork had been receiving! That their dream worlds worked in far subtler ways than imagined. That May Then My Name had told em, “I am worried that you will be unhappy with me.”</p>
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<p>So much bound up in that statement. By virtue of having lived with Dear and its partner for more than two decades, by having fallen into a less-eccentric orbit around the fox, accepted mounting feelings of love, and found emself in a relationship with an Odist, ey could read perhaps more clearly than Ioan the signs that ey was well on the path to doing the same. The Odists loved hard and they loved deep and they loved fast, and it was hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love. <em>She seems to have wormed her way into my life and made herself comfortable, all while making it seem like it was my idea,</em> Ioan had written in a clade-eyes-only message. <em>She says that it is her role to feel, though, and I believe her in this.</em></p>
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<p>So much bound up in that statement. By virtue of having lived with Dear and its partner for more than two decades, by having fallen into a less-eccentric orbit around the fox, accepted mounting feelings of love, and having found emself in a relationship with an Odist, ey could read perhaps more clearly than Ioan the signs that ey was well on the path to doing the same. The Odists loved hard and they loved deep and they loved fast, and it was hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love. <em>She seems to have wormed her way into my life and made herself comfortable, all while making it seem like it was my idea,</em> Ioan had written in a clade-eyes-only message. <em>She says that it is her role to feel, though, and I believe her in this.</em></p>
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<p>Ah, but dear Ioan, it is much more complex than that. With an Odist, it is always much more complex.</p>
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<p>And that, of course, was not even the main implication of the message. “I am worried that you will be unhappy”, even without the “with me” at the end suggested more of that guilt, shame, or distaste for the past that ey had picked up from Dear. From <em>both</em> Dears.</p>
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<p>Eir Dear: <em>I am…ashamed. Many of the first lines…well, no. I will not elaborate now.</em></p>
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<p>And so here ey was, sitting in a dark field, looking up at the stars. Very dark. Well and truly dark, beyond almost anything Ioan had experienced before, even after uploading. There was a purity to that blackness, just as there was a purity to the red-colored flashlight that Tycho Brahe (not his real name, but he had requested the pseudonym) used to guide them both to the top of a — yes, pure — grassy hill.</p>
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<p>“I come out here on nights when I am depressed,” the old man had grumbled. “And that has been most nights, of late.”</p>
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<p>“It’s a beautiful place.”</p>
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<p>“Is it not? It reminds me of a trip to the west coast that I took long, long before I uploaded. This grassy hill in the middle of a wide ring of firs. You can’t see it, but the grass is not actually grass, but a sort of moss. When it’s dried out after a rain, it’s delightfully soft, isn’t it?”</p>
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<p>“Isn’t it? It reminds me of a trip to the west coast that I took long, long before I uploaded. This grassy hill in the middle of a wide ring of firs. You can’t see it, but the grass is not actually grass, but a sort of moss. When it’s dried out after a rain, it’s delightfully soft, isn’t it?”</p>
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<p>Codrin nodded, then, realizing that ey could barely see Brahe next to em, murmured, “Almost cushy.”</p>
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<p>They sat on that hill in silence, leaning back on their hands and watching the stars overhead.</p>
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<p>It had taken a few moments for Ioan to get eir bearings when they had first started watching. The stars overhead were stationary, but in a way that ey was not used to. There was none of the same nigh imperceptible wheeling that one might expect, and the constellations didn’t feel quite right, One star, brighter than the rest, was visible low over the horizon. There was no moon. It was all quite unnerving in some indescribable way.</p>
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<p>“Yes. It’s here for anyone to see, but I have been too tired to tell many people.” A long pause, and then, “Yes, too tired.”</p>
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<p>There was a quiet lie in that admission, but Ioan let it slip by. “Can you tell me some more about what I’m seeing?”</p>
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<p>“Of course, Mx Bălan,” Brahe said, audibly brightening.</p>
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<p>He pointed first to the brightest star, low on the horizon. “There, see? That is the sun. The launch arms let us go at such a point that we are traveling along the ecliptic, in order to use some of the existing orbital velocity we were already on. We have a disadvantage from Pollux, as we were released counter to the orbit.”</p>
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<p>He pointed at another star, one that seemed to be creeping slowly across the field of view. “That is Jupiter, there. You can see it moving only by virtue of the fact that we used it as a slingshot several days into the journey. We are millions of kilometers away from it by now, but it is still one of the things that we are closest to. That is how you know that we are on Castor. Pollux will be using Saturn as a slingshot planet and will be traveling somewhat slower out of the system as a result, as there was a touch of maneuvering after launch to get the orbits to work out.”</p>
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<p>He pointed first to the brightest star, low on the horizon. “There, see? That is the sun. The launch arms let us go at such a point that we are traveling along the ecliptic, in order to use some of the existing orbital velocity we were already on. We have a disadvantage from Pollux, as we were released counter to that orbit.”</p>
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<p>He pointed at another star, one that seemed to be creeping slowly across the field of view. “That is Jupiter, there. You can see it moving only by virtue of the fact that we used it as a slingshot several days into the journey. We are millions of kilometers away from it by now, but it is still one of the things that we are closest to. That is how you know that we are on Castor. Pollux will be using Saturn as a slingshot planet, a fortuitous trade-off given the orbital advantage I mentioned. There was a touch of maneuvering after launch to get the trajectories to work out.”</p>
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<p>He pointed over to the fir trees opposite where the star that was the sun shone. “Beyond those trees — really, the reason that they exist — is the solar sail, which blocks the lens. It was only recently deployed, you know. We could have deployed it on our way to Jupiter, but, as you know, we have all the time in the world, and there was no sense in risking it during the slingshot.”</p>
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<p>He pointed at something else, and it took Codrin a moment to discern in the dark that he was pointing at himself. “And here I am, some nobody, some shithead who loved everything about this idea, but who can only view it in a very approximate way, like this.”</p>
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<p>“You don’t seem particularly happy about your situation.”</p>
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<p>Brahe’s laugh was bitter. “Of course I’m not happy. I mean…I <em>am</em> happy, but that happiness is tempered by the whims of reality more than I had expected.”</p>
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<p>“What would your dream experience be?” Codrin asked, enjoying a secret smile at the phrase couched within the utter dream experience that was the System.</p>
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<p>“To see it all,” he said, and ey noticed that the bitter edge was slowly leaving his voice. “I have all the perisystem processing that I can ask for to give me a simulacrum like this. You must know that this naked-eye astronomy is all but useless in the grand scheme of things, other than to give us a sense of where we came from and where we might be going in a way that allows us to tell ourselves a coherent study. The rest is all math.”</p>
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<p>“To see it all,” he said, and ey noticed that the bitter edge was slowly leaving his voice. “I have all the perisystem processing that I can ask for to give me a simulacrum like this. You must know that this naked-eye astronomy is all but useless in the grand scheme of things, other than to give us a sense of where we came from and where we might be going in a way that allows us to tell ourselves a coherent study. The rest of astronomy is all math.”</p>
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<p>“I suppose that’s why this place feels so much more romantic to me,” Codrin mused. “I’m a storyteller, not an astronomer. Still, I imagine that that need for stories runs deep, and I can see the allure to possibly being able to actually look out a window at stars whizzing by.”</p>
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<p>“Yes.” Brahe sighed, then lay down on his back, with his arms crossed behind his head. “Yes, to see it all.”</p>
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<p>There were a few minutes of silence as astronomer and historian looked out into the night sky, there in the simulated pacific northwest, there on the simulated moss surrounded by the simulated trees while simulated stars shone still above them.</p>
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<p><em>They don’t twinkle,</em> Codrin thought to emself. <em>That’s what it is. They don’t twinkle, and the last time I saw them was from Earth, and all those who uploaded, never left that aspect of stars out.</em></p>
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<p>Ey mentioned this to Brahe, who laughed good-naturedly. “Of course. You’re right. If they twinkled, it might feel more natural, but there is no reason for it, here. This place is a dream. My dream. The stars are there, and they don’t twinkle.”</p>
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<p>“You said this view is constructed with data from the Dreamer Module,” Codrin said, gently directing the conversation to topics that might please the astronomer more.</p>
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<p>“Yes. The module is mostly a big disk on the ass-end of each of the LVs. Most of that is various instruments that feed data to me and other astronomers here, as well as back to the core System and scientists on earth. This particular lens is on a long strut that points out from that disk in such a way as to let as little of the solar sail obstruct its views. There are other telescopes with much narrower fields of view in there. It can introduce a bit of vertigo, but would you like to see?”</p>
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<p>“Yes. The module is mostly a big disk on the ass-end of each of the LVs. Most of that is various instruments that feed data to me and other astronomers here, as well as back to the core System and scientists on earth. This particular lens is on a long strut that points out from that disk in such a way as to let as little of the solar sail obstruct its views as possible. There are other telescopes with much narrower fields of view in there. It can introduce a bit of vertigo, but would you like to see?”</p>
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<p>“Sure.”</p>
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<p>“Alright, close your eyes.”</p>
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<p>Ey did so, and when Brahe instructed em to open them again, the sudden change in the sky was, indeed, a little dizzy-making. The entire field of stars had changed, and where there had been warped but familiar constellations, there was now a deeper blackness, brighter stars, and far more of them. Far, far more. “What is this?”</p>
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<p>“What about who was having those arguments.”</p>
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<p>“That’s the thing, there were relatively few voices — at least at first — from those who had uploaded recently. Most of those who started the arguments were from the first few decades of the System’s creation. I suspect that at least part of their concern is that they still feel somewhat upset at having to pay to join, some of them dearly so, but even that doesn’t feel like the whole reason. It was just all these super old uploads, both individuals and clades, who seemed less than thrilled at the prospect. Founder types, you understand.”</p>
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<p>Eir frown grew. “Do you remember any names?”</p>
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<p>“The Jonas clade was pretty vocally against it. I think they even had compunctions about the launch, for that matter. There were some of the Odists, though I never took much interest in who. Their names are always so impenetrable. Let’s see…there was Àsgeir Hrafnson, who has always seemed like he’s against everything. Such a sour man…”</p>
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<p>Brahe continued to list off a few names, and Codrin continued to nod dutifully, but eir mind was elsewhere. The Odists seemed to range from, at best, utterly ecstatic, as Dear had been, to, at worst, simply uninterested, to go by what Dear and May Then My Name had said.</p>
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<p>Was this another lie from Dear, or had the fox simply not gone looking for names in the debate.</p>
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<p>“The Jonas clade was pretty vocally against it. I think they even had compunctions about the launch, for that matter. There were some of the Odists, though I never took much interest in who. Their names are always so impenetrable. Let’s see…there was Àsgeir Hrafnson, who has always seems like he’s against everything. Such a sour man…”</p>
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<p>Brahe continued to list off a few names, and Codrin continued to nod dutifully, but eir mind was elsewhere. The Odists’ opinion on the launch seemed to range from, at best, utterly ecstatic, as Dear’s had been, to, at worst, simply uninterested, to go by what Dear and May Then My Name had said.</p>
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<p>Was this another lie from Dear, or had the fox simply not gone looking for names in the debate?</p>
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<p>“Obviously, the launch went forward anyway, and both LVs contain Dreamer Modules, so they weren’t successful,” the astronomer was saying. “They didn’t seem interested in paring down the scope to the modules, nor even adding any risk mitigation factors beyond the extra RTG and a set of explosive bolts that could jettison the module if necessary. I think that’s what made me the most suspicious of their initial arguments. If there was risk, why not try to mitigate it further?”</p>
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<p>“I’m not sure,” Codrin said, mouth dry. “Perhaps it was more of an image thing? As in, adding the module might damage how others viewed the launch.”</p>
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<p>“Perhaps.” Ey heard Brahe shrug against the moss-grass, then continue. “Anyway, that’s the story. I don’t know if it’ll be of any use to you in your project.’</p>
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<p>“It might. It already answered most of my other questions, too. The last one I have is that you invested entirely in the LVs. Why?”</p>
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<p>The astronomer was silent for a long time. “As upset as I get that I’m not actually able to see all the stars, even I am not immune to the romance of the idea. Imagine sitting at home, knowing that you could have flinging yourself off into space, out among the dangers and excitement, and choosing instead that boring safety? The only benefit would be the combined knowledge of Castor and Pollux and a station at half the speed that we’ll get it on either one of our LVs, but, well.”</p>
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<p>The astronomer was silent for a long time. “As upset as I get that I’m not actually able to see all the stars, even I am not immune to the romance of the idea. Imagine sitting at home, knowing that you could have flung yourself off into space, out among the dangers and excitement, and choosing instead that boring safety? The only benefit would be the combined knowledge of Castor and Pollux and a station at half the speed that we’ll get it on either one of our LVs, but, well.”</p>
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<p>Brahe gestured up to the shifting night sky, leaving his words at that.</p>
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<p>Eventually, even Codrin lay back in the grass. Ey knew not how long. Lay there with Tycho Brahe in all his sadness and happiness and wisdom and romanticism. Lay there, and looked up at the stars.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-09-24</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-09-25</p>
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