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- Zk | I have a headache
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Zk | I have a headache
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Which is probably exacerbated by me forcing my brain to switch between QWERTY and Dvorak while trying to learn Dvorak and type QWERTY on a Dvorak keyboard. Kiran called about a math exam tomorrow. oh well. It has the added benefit of freaking out whoever looks at it.
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Greens covering my chest and shoulders warmly are happiness. Group tonight was particularly nice with Moondoggy. Wrote about gay stuff:
-Which Follows
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1 They say I'm not normal period.
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This, of course is coming from the jocks, the preps, the Xtians, the punks,
-the losers, the winners, the teachers, the counselors, my friends, my enemies,
-the dogs, the cats, the tables. The chairs, too. They wonder why I can't
-just sit in them like a normal freaking person. Whatever. What they don't
-know is that I'm secretly happier than them. they might not know it by
-looking at me, since sometimes I look like I'm having a really rough time,
-but it's true. You see, one of the many keys to happiness is individuality,
-and you gotta have all the keys before you're really happy. Many people
-don't, and many of those seem to think they do. They think that statistics on
-suicides and self mutilation have everything to do with happiness among queer
-teens, when really, all they have to do with queer teens is statistics.
-Numbers that may or may not accurately represent the truth. I think that
-being abnormal, specifically being gay makes you happy. Maybe it isn't just a
-coincidence of words, maybe we really are gay.
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4 Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain.
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Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain, queer sleeves, queer shoes, queer toes,
-queer nails, queer fingers, queer palms, hairy palms, queer wrists, limp
-wrists, queer arms, queer shoulders, arms around shoulders, queer neck,
-sensitive neck, queer hair, curly, queer ears, sensitive ears, eargasmic,
-queer cheek, blushing cheek, queer nose, got it from my dad, queer eyes, queer
-colors, got them from my grandpa, queer eyebrows, but not as queer as some,
-queer face, too long, queer chest, too skinny, queer belly, padded, queer
-crotch, go figure, queer thighs, better believe it, queer knees, queer calfs,
-queer ankles, queer legs, flexible, queer feet, still smell, queer guy, no
-surprise.
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+ Zk | Woo, huzzah, and all that jazz.
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Back when my mom used to cook chicken for me, even though she didn't eat it, I'd put mild Caesar salad dressing on it as seasoning. It was pretty damn good, too. Maybe one day when I'm bored, I could try and make a recipe for it. Probably sear and steam the chicken in chicken broth with a bit of rosemary and lemon juice or something, then when it's about half cooked, take out some of the broth and add some Caesar dressing. Turn it off and let it cool a bit, save the sauce, and bake the chicken the rest of the way, then serve it with a thickened version of the sauce. Or maybe just season the chicken and bake it, making the sauce separately. shrug Would be good with rice pilaf and potatoes.
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Anyway, whatever.
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Big B is still down. Screwy
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+ Zk | Love. Humility. Balance. In other news, I'm thinking about people dying again. Thus...
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Zk | Love. Humility. Balance. In other news, I'm thinking about people dying again. Thus...
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I can feel the sickness spreading now. There's the earthy, acrid feeling during exhalation, the weariness of my joints, the slight dizziness and self-lag when I move quickly, the endless slightly upset stomach that feels a good deal like hunger... And above all lies the hot, rotten feeling in my core. Fuck.
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I'd written in a not-so-lucid moment on the back of an essay, "How can I be sure I'm me?" This feeling came back last night after the show. Moondog didn't actually perform 'cause he didn't have a song and didn't have time to prepare. Instead, we commiserated on the energy of Rainbow Alley and the fact that we don't talk much. This nugget of info seemed to have originated from Samir having talked a good deal with Andrew today. It's a good point, Moondog and I don't really just talk all that much. We discussed this over water and a chocolate shake at Arby's during closing time and some over IM. When we were in person though, I had the feeling that I really wasn't the one talking; I don't mean this in the otherworldly sense, so much as the fact that I wasn't sure I really understood what I was saying.
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Now that I've put down my goddamned book, I feel frustrated at the fact that we should have to worry about this at all, that we need to schedule time to talk. Perhaps I've gone nineteen, but mates shouldn't have to do that. Waiting is. Talking will happen when it needs to happen, and perhaps it does, but are we approaching this in the wrong way? Are we being goaded into action by shadows? Or perhaps I'm just out of my mind. Yar-bugger.
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Hey, I found reading again. In case you didn't notice.
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As a side note, I've not cried in years. I feel like, since I cried so much as a child, I must conserve my tears, mete them out in the proper amounts at the proper times, lest I have none when they're needed most
Attempted to sing for scholarship monies tonight, which ended, however predictably, in disaster. Actually, I thought I did rather well, until I heard some of the other people who were competing. Well, I guess there's a reason I'm not majoring in Vocal Performance, or even getting a performer's certificate.
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One good thing did come from tonight, though! I made up a drink!
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2 parts blackstrap rum (Cruzan Estates Navy)
+1 part amaretto
+1 part triple sec
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Build over ice in a highball glass, serve with a slice of lime.
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It's pretty good, but I'm tempted to add a little simple syrup and soda water. I'll try another, as I get quietly and thoroughly drunk.
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Edit:
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Double the amaretto, add a splash of Rose's sweetened lime juice, and fill with soda water, and you get.. what? I think I'll call the original a beachfox ('cause a Shanerak sounded clumsy :D), and this a sparkling beachfox. Dunno how that'll sound tomorrow :
Did some ad hoc photojournalism (or at least street photography) today. This family at the Freedom to Marry rally was very nice. One of their little girls had a pride flag and was swinging it about. More here<br clear="all"/
"Your Man Jesus seems to me a bit of a son of a bitch when it comes to women," Roland said. "Was He ever married?"
+The corners of Callahan's mouth quirked. "No," he said, "but His girlfriend was a whore."
+"Well," Roland said, "That's a start."
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Went over to Kelly's to see her and Linda off last night. Took an Andrew. He and Samir drove the two to DIA while Moondog and I talked. When the got back Andrew called, got called, did stuff, then Samir drove him back to Boulder. I don't know the details, and that's okay.
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Yaytalking. Moondog even slept for a good deal of the night, though he was up coughing for a good deal. And pointing at the books on Kelly's shelves while declaring them to be "queer queer queer queer queer." This morning, Samir pounced us, and we futzed around for a while, eating food and drinking beverages, talking and canoodling.
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Now I think Andrew and Samir are gonna come over. Either Andrew's gonna stay the night, or pretend he's going to while going to stay with Samir. I don't know. I'm gonna do homework as soon as I finish DT:V. 200 more pages. Should finish tonight
Potential deliciousness is quite high in these. Soon, as in two weeks, the will be chocolate liqeuer, made from cacao nibs (the "raw" form of chocolate), rum, and sucanat sugar. In the background is a bottle of home-made vanilla vodka, which should also be good in a bit. :o)<br clear="all"/
Someone broke into my car last night, moved everything from the front to the back and vice versa, smoked a cigarette, then left. In other news, sleep is pretty spectacular.
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Shannon, want to move some stuff this weekend/week
It's time once more for MATT'S GIVING AWAY OR SELLING STUFF!!!xaheihifeawf
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Up for grabs this time is:
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One Prett Good Dining Room set: expandable table with wings to widen, four chairs upholstered in fabric carefully distilled from the 1970s. All wood, but all the wood has a vague greenish cast. Sounds unpleasant, but really, the only thing that needs to be done is reupholstering the chairs.
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Two scrub shirts, cross type - one sand, one navy.
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Several network cards (ethernet)
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Four Pentium III processors 800mHz-1.2gHz
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Several CD and CD-R(W) drives and plenty of quick-load track things for Dell computers
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Probably a few hard drives, at least 20gb
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A few cases with fans included (I could build a budget computer, for you, technically, but you'd have to get the motherboard)
"Doesn't matter," he sighed. "It's ka."
+"Ka," Oy said, then looked up. "Moon. Ka, moon. Moon, ka."
+"Shut up," Jake said, not unkindly.
+"Shut up ka," Oy said amiably. "Shut up moon. Shut up Ake. Shut up Oy."
Didn't do much today, other than clean and take some pictures, due to being sick and having a concert tonight. Just tried to take it easy and conserve my voice. I guess it worked - Duruflé status: SUCCESS<br clear="all"/
My complete ineptitude with inanimate objects made making beer extra hard today. At one point, I got so pissed off at myself that I threw a bottle of red pepper flakes across the room. Of course, the brittle lid shattered, showering the area with sneezables. Fuck. Grr. Damnit. Ended up not as sanitary as I could've been.
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Rite of Spring and my homepage made me feel a little better
For those of you who pay attention to such things, I'm part way through an antiphonal motet. It's through-composed, so I have no sketch of structure - just the text (De Profundis) guiding what comes next. The neat part about this is that once I finish composing a word or line, it's pretty much set. This way, you can hear what I have up through the line 'exaudi vocem meam'
Migraine this morning. Vision was a little tunneled, but fine, but my sense of smell was pretty messed up. It was weird. Trying to make it to class now
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+ Zk | Two last quips. And I'm spent.
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Zk | Two last quips. And I'm spent.
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Gai cocknif en yom (go shit in the ocean - for all I care)
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God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the tenacity to change what I may, and the good luck not to fuck up too often
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+ Tarot ramblingsSo last night, I was thinking that since I'm obviously more motivated to take pictures than batik, maybe I'd do a photographic version of the Major Arcana instead :3 After thinking about it for a bit, I decided that, while they might not make good, usable cards, they might make neat pictures to hang on one's wall. With that decision came the idea that I need not strictly follow the symbolism if they're not going to be read that way, so I decided to come up with my own, more abstract symbolism. I used numbers that seemed to be good, and concepts that I've thought about in the past. And accidentally came up with the Major Arcana all over again (with a few transpositions and minor differences). Whups!
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Time
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Chaos
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maternity/conception
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paternity/creation
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guidance
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authority
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structure/organization
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Order
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consistency
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collapse/unwilling change
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rebellion/willing change
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withdrawal
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recognition
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maintenance
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release
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destruction
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creation/rejuvenation
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full circle/ouroboros
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+Dunno if it'll go anywhere, since it's basically the Majors as they are, with a few switcheroos, but who knows :D
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+ Zk | Don' be a putz, y'got some schmutz on ya face..
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Zk | Don' be a putz, y'got some schmutz on ya face..
I have lots to write about, but instead, I'd rather point out that Shanerak's kind of a mix between this and this
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+ Zk | The Promised Post
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Zk | The Promised Post
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So I'm finally done with the semester. Took long enough.
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These last two weeks have been particularly busy - I finally finished that piece for the two graduating grad students, and I think it turned out really well. Having to crunch for a piece isn't something I've had too much experience with, and it turned out to be really fun. It was sort of like NaNoWriMo in that after a certain point of deciding on structure and sonority, it felt less like I was writing music and more like I was exploring something that was already there - more like reading than writing. I got it printed up all pretty at Kinkos and both the recipients seemed to enjoy the piece.
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Finals were pretty unspectacular, but during finals week, I had a few neat things happen. I wound up with a job at the Morgan Library as a help desk tech, which should prove to not only be reasonably fun and well paid, but with a good chance of moving up to working with the servers and with Sage Catalog. Then, on Thursday night, I drove Elliott down to Boulder after he invited me to participate in his Sufi Zikr ceremony. While I'm certainly not going to convert to Islam, it was definitely a very powerful experience, and well worth participating in. I had very little in the way of expectations, so it was neat to participate in something so completely different.
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Today I picked up a bunch of Górecki and a book, Litany of the Sun by Gene Wolfe. Looks to be a fun summer
Had a few weird dreams last night. The first was about some sort of mystical order that perfected time travel via a few carefully planned deaths (the traveler's and someone in the order at the destination). I apparently hated concert band SO MUCH that I had to go back in time for some reason. I ended up waking up when my death was particularly gruesome. Or.. well.. I half woke up, but really just slipped into another dream where had called, and I told him about the dream before falling asleep on the phone.
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The second dream was about a few gangsters robbing an IHOP and I were eating at. I was a badass in that dream :3 *win
One of the neat things about this job so far is the complete absurdity of some of the tasks. I just rode in the back of a flat-bed truck with an Indian guy and over 70 CRTs stacked two high, and it's only 9:30.
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Hard to get used to double monitors, though - I always go too far with my mouse
So, when I first started working here, it was suggested that I might have some useful talent and that I should speak up if I had any skills. I did so, but nothing piqued interest.
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Apparently, I have been hiding the fact that I'm pretty quick when it comes to making Cat-5 cable. Woo. Been making cable all morning. x.
Never used JOINs before, so can someone tell me if I'm doing this right?
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SELECT wcmsVertices.*, wcmsDiffs.modifer, wcmsDiffs.mtime, wcmsDiffs.reason FROM wcmsVertices RIGHT JOIN wcmsDiffs USING (id) WHERE wcmsVerticies.id = '$vertex' ORDER BY wcmsDiffs DESC LIMIT 1;
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I want to select everything from wcmsVertices and the three specified fields from wcmsDiffs where the 'id' fields are both equal to $vertex. If there's more than one Diff, though, I want to only grab the most recent one
Some crazy ferret decided to be an enabler and got me a rename token, so now I'm . I'm guessing some folk might not be too pleased with this, but.. too bad :3 Everything should be transferred over fully, like friends lists and the like, but let me know if you have any problems.
I spent a good 45 minutes on the phone with the WA-SP today. Nice guy. Got to hear about how he worked in the dorms, too; how he had a friend who had a Japanese mother, too; how he played the trumpet. I learned as much about him as your future job :3
My will to do homework has departed. I'll take the ten percent off for an extension. I need the sleep. Didn't get much last night. I never seem to when I'm over at Kelly's
Reasonably fun con, for the few hours I was there :o) Sorry I had to drag people off so soon. Ah well, I got a sketch out of it from a friend from long ago. :
Sorry I missed your calls D: I was getting beeped at by schizophrenic people, then getting fed peanut butter and pickle slices on crackers. Vomitacious
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/129 - a video about a new technology
+http://labs.live.com/photosynth/default.html - a demo of that technology
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The goal behind this program is sort of what I'm trying to accomplish with what I've been doing with my website - making pages all the more meaningful because of how they're linked together. Neat
I spent the first hour or so of my day today corrugating paper. Unfortunately, the paper I was using (cheapo origami paper) didn't last for the whole sheet of corrugating, and I had to cut the bottom tatters off. Still enough for a nice-ish macro shot.<br clear="all"/
I'm makin' plans,
+I'm headin' out;
+Not a thing to do
+But head on out.
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This snippet has been brought to you by Empathic Connections (tm)! Enjoy having your emotions tied to random people so that you can have mood swings for no immediately apparent reason. joy
+sarcasm
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Wow, I got all self centered. Hmm. Sorry if I offended c.
15.6 miles (From the library, north to Mountain, West to Overland Trail, South to Elizabeth, east to Taft Hill, south to Horsetooth, East to the mall, north to Stover, north to Prospect, west to Whedbee, north to Matthews, west home)
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Max: 26.6 mph, Avg: ... can't find it. Stupid comp.
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Took about an hour, with two ten-minute breaks - one at Recycled Cycles to thank them for the suggestion, and one when I ran into Richard
So.. today I had to install Acrobat for a woman named Lori Oling. Like most large businesses, our usernames tend to be a combination of initials and names.
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Hehehe. \loling
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Stolen from ferrets:
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Ask me to take a picture of any aspect of my life that you're interested in/curious about - it can be anything from the house I live in to my favorite shoes. Leave your choice here as a comment, and I will reciprocate by taking the pictures and posting them as an LJ entry. That way you get to know a little bit about my life.
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Also, a picture of my bike:
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+(click more and larger pictures on Flickr)
10.7 miles (Pitkin east to Lemay, north to one mile past Vine, south to Vine, east to College, south to Lincoln, east to Remington, south to Laurel, east to campus and around there [the oval is .4 miles around], east to Remington, north home)
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Max: 26.9 Avg: Don't have that function, doh.
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Stupid headwind wore me out at around mile 3, then some bitch honked at me when I was trying to get cleated in, and I fell on the saddle. Nice bruised perineum. x.
No internet at home, and I can't get in to fix it due to a BUNCH OF NAKED GIRLS, so I'm at the 'Cat. Rode a little today. Eleven mile jaunt to pick up a tube from RecycledCycles and thank the guy who sold me the bike, and get some groceries at King Soopers. Need to get ahold of John, so I can figure out this internet mess
This has to be the worst attack I've had since 6th grade. What little bit I was getting from Michael (who is in no way at fault for this - so don't even think of appologizing) earlier seems to have triggered something. At the risk of sounding angsty, here goes: these are quite simply the most vivid suicidal thoughts I've had yet - everything from wondering how much it'd hurt to be stabbed with a soldering iron to whether it might be better to kill myself like they kill kosher cows: with a sharp blade to the neck, so that all they feel is dizziness and falling asleep as the blood drains; these are the worst thoughts regarding school I've had yet this year, mostly tied to the emotions of helplessness and pointlessness; and this is the most scared I've been, period. I've got it running in the background (heh, yeah, ctrl-z; bg emotions) right now, and I'm going to try and let it run itself out. I staggered out of bed, crying (imagine that..), to go look for sleepytime tea so that maybe I could sleep it off, but I couldn't find that, so instead I'm going to write it out - express myself and all that, while perhaps trying to garner some pity. Maybe I could pick up on that instead, so that I could realize what a sorry dolt I must seem like and just snap out of it
Had very vivid nightmares last night about being sentenced to death. Not death row, or anything, just a committee that decided I was going to die tomorrow. The let me do whatever I wanted for a 24 hours or whatever, but very few people that I told believed that I was actually going to die the next day. I walked around, concerned about what would happen when I suddenly didn't show up for work, didn't come home, never visited parents, never connected to the internet again.. I mentioned several times in the dream that I wasn't too worried about my death, about how it would feel or if I would go anywhere after that, so much as that I either wouldn't get to say goodbye to people that I cared about, or that the people I did say goodbye to never believed me. It was infuriating - and by the time the scheduled execution came around, I was ready and willing just because I was so frustrated with trying to get people to take me seriously - I walked proudly into the circular room, and went out the door on the other side and, á là Terry Prachett's Lord Vetinary's door, fell down a Very Deep Hole on the other side. That's when I woke up.
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Today, Elliott, one of my very good composer friends, stopped by my work specifically to say goodbye to me, so that felt really good - to actually be earnest in a farewell after a dream lacking those from others.
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Today's ride should be a long one. Taking the Spring Creek trail South, West along Harmony to either Taft hill or Overland Trail, north to LaPorte, East and South home.
19.4 miles. Damnit! So close :o) Well, I rode to the furmeet, so when I ride home, I'll top twenty for the day. I explored the set of trails out east of the city today. It's a shame Ryan isn't around I think he'd have really liked it. The only downside is that the shitty repair of the asphalt trail (honestly, who repairs asphalt with concrete?) might've un-trued my front wheel. Damn. Oh well. I rode the whole length of both the Spring Creek and the Poudre trail.
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Max: 29.7 mph (!!!) So close! Maybe if I'd done it in the middle of the ride instead of at the end.
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Took about an hour or so. Stupid headwind. Oh well. 67 miles on the bike so far.
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EDIT: 21.5 miles total today, minus back and forth from work
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Your Score: Unaffected
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Result: 31. Your score isn't an achievement, it just is.
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+ Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen and his colleagues at Cambridge's Autism Research Centre have created the Autism-Spectrum Quotient, or AQ, as a measure of the extent of autistic traits in adults. In the first major trial using the test, the average score in the control group was 16.4. Eighty percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher. The test is not a means for making a diagnosis, however, and many who score above 32 and even meet the diagnostic criteria for mild autism or Asperger's report no difficulty functioning in their everyday lives.
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+You scored less than 32. Make your own assessment of that
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Edit: I like how all it posted was 'a'. Stupid LJ.
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What I actually wrote up was another 'Today's Ride' post. Short little thing. Only went 7.3 miles, but I had fun noodling around. Also, Max of 32 miles per hour, which I would've been able to sustain longer had the guy driving next to me had noticed me and hadn't tried to cut me off. Thankfully, he did notice me, and shouted out an apology. Huzzah.
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Got my first flat today, too. Once again, right outside a bike shop. Oh well. Now I know how to get the tube out on this bike
Tonights nightmare was about bees that implanted their eggs in my body. It wasn't so much that they stung, that the eggs hatched inside and little bees did their best to escape my body from my blood stream, no matter where they were. If you've ever read Neal Stephenson's Diamond Age, I guess they're kinda like 'cookie cutters'.
So, looks like the for-rent sign is up outside the complex. Dunno if anyone who reads this is looking, but I can vouch for this place being pretty fabulous. Good landlord, excellent location, spacious 2-bedroom apartments for $620 a month, all utilities included, cats allowed.. Only downside I know of is the freakin' train two blocks away. Kinda noisy
Short and unimpressive ride tonight - 12.1 miles - except for a few things: Max: 32.4 mph. Also, since I got the bike Monday, I've ridden 100 miles on it so far :D Feels good. Hopefully I can keep it up ^
"If you're maybe noticing that you're older than you used to be, and are feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that you haven't accomplished as much as you/other people in your present or past/annoyingly critical voices inside your head think you should have, and if you're maybe feeling something like "I'm not a real grownup like everyone else," and if you're maybe also feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that your body isn't working the way it used to, and you're maybe thinking, "if that's true then how am I going to DO all those accomplishments that I/other people/voices in my head think I ought or want to do?", and maybe you're also wondering how are you going to dig out from under the accumulation of habit and procrastination and self-doubt to some sense of satisfaction in your life again, then post this same sentence in your journal.
Figured I'd quit spamming you all with daily ride details. Instead, I stuffed it all up on Google Spreadsheets, for those who actually plan on keeping track (read: me). May give weekly updates like , tho' :o
I was lied to. I was promised free breakfast if I biked to work. Well, HERE I AM. I had to go buy a bagel in the student center, since I didn't eat at home
So, I guess every six months or so, I have to reaffirm my hatred for Tequila. Luckily, this time, I had Doc and Shannon to share the experience with, after Ryan and Merry left. Since I'd felt bad that I hadn't gotten back online, I was tempted to drunk-dial some ferret, but the time difference made me feel guilty. Guess I wasn't quite drunk enough. Until I got up to Shannon's room, where I sorta almost fell asleep on her chair c.
Comin' up on another 100 mile week. Also, figured out a way to approximate average miles per hour, assuming that I rode pretty steadily - total distance rode divided by total time for the ride. Updated the spreadsheet accordingly, and stuffed a link on my LJ link list to remind myself. With AC next week, I don't know that I'll be able to pull another 100 miles out of my butt, having only two days to ride (I think two fifty mile days are a little beyond me), but oh well. I'll hopefully still be able to do okay when I get back
Stopped by the petstore to look for claw covers for Sera. Unfortunately, they require that I clip her claws before I put them on (which is what I was hoping to avoid). Sooooo I went and looked at the ferrets. Playing ferrets is probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Three sables, one brown, and one albino, who was having a grand old time in his food dish. Effin' adorable, dookin' all over the place
So, probably the worst ride so far, weather-wise, but hey, I did it. Another 100 mile week. And I half-take-back what I've been saying about FoCo not being bike-friendly. The trail system is more extensive than I thought. Granted, trails aren't exactly as bike-friendly as a good, well paved bike path, but still, better than some shit they call bike paths.
I mean.. I'll be there, starting tomorrow evening. Hope to see plenty of folk there. My number is 303-818-5943 for those who want to call. Since I need to bring my computer in order to work on my composition portfolio, I'll post my room number when I find out.
OASOS was odd. Samir made me wear some of his European clothes, which are actually pretty nice. We discussed the future of OASOS - in other words, we took the most boulderish, friendly, bureaucratic way to.. something, I don't even know what, that we could. So we didn't stay for small group. Instead, we went to Fascinations, where Samir and Mikey scared Vulpine and I. After, coffee at Caffe Sole. I felt extremely off and very unplayful, even with biting and such. I mumbled about it being awkward with Samir there, but that was just to get it out of the way. I didn't know it at the time, but now I'm guessing that it most likely has to do with sleep-deprevation. It was still quite good to see Michael again. Should be alright by friday, when we're apparently going to AA, then clubbing, where Samir's and Mikey are conspiring to get Vulpine and I to dance by grinding with each other. Ah well. Should be fun to watch :o
Thursday Lounging, meeting people, picking up badge.
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Friday Shopping and commissioning, wandering around and meeting more people
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Saturday Pretty much the same.
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Sunday More of the same.
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Monday On my way home.
+
Highlights:
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Food - Sonoma Grill, Steel City Diner (every day c.c), Tonic Grill, The Church Brew Works (Holy spectacular food, batman!).
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Drink - Roma and Tsuki getting me drunk (Teal's fault), lots of G&Ts, The Church Brew Works (Holy spectacular beer, batman!), sneaking to my room for another drink to try to at least catch up to a quarter of how drunk Shanerak was.
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Events - Dealers' den, Iron Author reading, dance, UKSH.
Art - One print for me, two for Shannon, and two commissions.
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Maybe I'll make a real post later, with pictures and such. All in all.. a little too big for me, but definitely fun. Always good to see furries :o
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+ Zk | Walk like a dog to cross Penn Avenue!
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Zk | Walk like a dog to cross Penn Avenue!
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I figured if Rikoshi could do it, so could I :o)
+Report!
+Wednesday
+Picked up my badge and snuck off to the airport for a fairly smooth travel experience straight to Pittsburgh. The only weird part was the lady one person over, having watched me jotting down a song for my portfolio, leaned over ten minutes before landing and said as condescendingly as possible, "Oh! Are you writing a SOOONG?" 'Cause, you know, I'm ten years old.
+
Anyway, landed without fuss, and a forty dollar taxi ride got me to the hotel, where I was immediately accosted by Ogg and handed a DVD (thanks, monkeh ^^). After saying hi to Ben and Teal, I dropped stuff off upstairs and headed out to dinner at Sonoma with Teal and Rikoshi. I had some excellent, if expensive, sirloin kabobs over noodles in an olive sauce. And not just a sauce with olives in it - olives were simply ground up with olive oil (like a very pasty tapenade) and tossed with the noodles. Tons of olives. It was spectacular.
+
After dinner, we wandered out onto the bridge to watch fireworks, which turned out to be quite excellent. Drinks followed in the hotel bar with the foxes and Nothingkat before we headed off to bed.
+
Thursday
+After heading out to breakfast at the Steel City Diner - a delicious and cheap diner who had printed up t-shirts for Anthrocon that the staff was wearing and selling - Teal, Rikoshi, Vlad, Ben, and two others I don't know, lounged in the Zoo and played poker while waiting for registration. Having registered, we snuck up to Roma and Tsuki's room, where the proceeded to get me quite drunk on three very strong drinks. We blamed Teal, just 'cause. Or.. at least, I did c.c I honestly don't remember too much, after that. I've been drunk to the point of being sick, but never to the point of blacking out, which I guess I did a couple of times. Didn't get sick, though. I don't remember where we ate or anything. (Having asked, I guess we ate at a place that used to serve fried pickles - I remember getting a salad with fries on it that I thought was hilarious.)
+
Friday
+Since the foxes wanted to get sketchbooks out early and bids placed on art, we headed over to the Dealers' Den and Artists' Alley for opening - while we were there, I placed my two commissions - from Kitsumi, I got a Caramel Macchiotter along with a print, and from Heather Bruton, I got a picture of my character. I also managed to snag some comics from Rabbit Valley, including Meesh's Moving In and Coyote River 1.
+
While folk wandered off to Iron Author, I wandered around some more, eventually hooking up with the foxes, Ogg, and KurtMRufa to head up to the room and sample mead. The pom wine was way sour, but the prickly pear mead got compliments all around.
+
After, Shanerak, Necco, Plastick, Media, Jill, Weasel, uh.. a bunch of other people and I headed out for early dinner at Tonic Bar and Grill, which was alright, and had very sweet mojitos. Don't remember much more from the evening, but I'm sure it involved more hanging out.
+
Saturday
+Dun' remember much from during the day, other than meeting up with Vlad, Roma, and Tsuki for Steel City Diner and picking up some booze. I picked up my commissions after that, but mostly just wandered around all day. Headed to dinner with Shanerak et. al. again that evening to Sushi Kim's, where we apologized for another group of furries that up and left because the restaurant happened to be busy.
+
After dinner, I watched Uncle Kage's Story Hour with foxes and badgers and noodled around. I caught up with Shanerak and such later on, only to find them completely wasted. I followed them around for a while, to the dance, and back to their room. Much fun was had, until people started passing out. Met back up with pokerfoxes before bed.
+
Sunday
+More Steel City Diner after sleeping in late. Headed over to the auction area to meet up with foxes after that and trailed along with them for a while before meeting with Shanerak and so on again for lunch at the 7th St. Grill. Our waiter was way awesome, and we ended up doing the whole furry explanation thing to him. We even had to list our species. Necco: "A dhole is an asian dog that whistles and wags" (and sometimes dhurps [durps? derps?]). Weasel: "I AM A WEASEL." Weasel was so eloquent. We snuck over to the hotel bar and met up with NK to have drinks in the bar, thus planting the seed for later that night, when I was "one gin and tonic ahead of everyone else."
+
Met back up with foxes and badgers and Kaysho's for the Iron Author readings and dinner at The Church Brew Works - a brew-pub situated in what used to be a catholic church. The beer was fantastic, the food was fantastic, the desert was fantastic, and the waitress was so far beyond fantastic that, had the bill not been over $200, I would have readily contributed to a 100% tip. All in all, that was probably the best part of the entire con.
+
Later that night, with folk doing their things, I wandered around until I ran into NK, Corrosive, and Weasel, who was very drunk. Lounged about with those folk for a while until Junkie, Media, Jill, and people from Sushi Kim's found us, then Shanerak and crew after that. Headed up to bed when I got tired and things got weird, though I probably should've stuck around longer than I did.
+
Monday
+I really didn't do much other than one last breakfast at Steel City Diner and say goodbye to everyone, which was sad, as always. I hailed a cab and headed to the airport. Awesome Italian driver.
+
Travel was pretty horrid, due to the weather, but taking other people's experiences into account, it could've been worse. Basically, though I got on an earlier flight, I ended up home later than my original flight, only to find a voice mail from United saying that the original flight had been canceled. Scanned shit and went to bed.
+
+Back at work now, and boy does it suck c.c Should've said I wanted an extra day off. Oh well. I'm almost definitely heading to FC this year. Don't know that I'll do AC next year, but I might try for MFF instead
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Spent far more money than I thought at AC - mostly on food. Mom's gonna help with groceries until my next pay check, but other than that, I can't spend any more money. Means bringing lunch to work and such x.
...I'm a furry faggot, and compiled all of my character descriptions. It was really kind of humbling (read: embarrassing) and kinda neat to find out just how much of a furry I am, when I was thinking - and claiming - that I was more on the social end of things; you know, chatting more than roleplaying, visiting people more than playing on the internet.
Did a good bit of writing today, and ended up sticking another song up on my FA account. Gotta like a furry site that will take other forms of art besides just visual :o
Also, I really dislike migraines. Any pain that you can smell is bound to be annoying
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+ Zk | Fine. I'll do it too.
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Zk | Fine. I'll do it too.
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You are 42% geek
+You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.
+
+Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.
+You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!
+Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!
+You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.
Nurses wanting to enlist had to meet Red Cross standards and have "at least two years' training in a hospital that averaged fifty patients a day of both sexes," be registered to practice in their home states, provide evidence of good health, and be between ages 25 and 40.
+- http://historytogo.utah.gov/nurses.html
Shanerak got me thinking. Now I kinda want to make a half-suit that I can wear with nice clothes, sorta like this. Dunno if I really should be spending time on that, though. Oh well
Sorry I missed your call. Too busy getting hit by trucks.
+
Be nice to cyclists on the road. :3
+
EDIT: The story is, some guy in a pickup took a right turn, right into me. Everything's okay, and the passers-by were freaking out more than I was. I guess I thought it was more funny than anything. My butt hurts, and I have road-rash on my elbow, but I'm okay, otherwise, little shook up
I guess the day after's always a little worse. It's when reality sets in and all that crap. Can't walk very fast, can't stand for very long - feel like I took a few big diggers skiing or something. Just sore.
+
Also, finding a position to sleep in with road rash is pretty awesome
Looks like I've missed several calls lately, and I'd like to apologize to people who have been calling me. My phone's really on the fritz - usually keep it on silent and vibrate, but occasionally switches to Driving Mode at random, which, on silent, means I don't hear any ring. It's got plenty of other problems at the moment, too, but I don't really have the cash to get a new one. Don't really know when to call some of you back, so I've just been sitting on my hands and feeling bad.
Just deployed 20 computers to take the place of the 40 I tore down yesterday. Such a lazy bastard, I am. Anyway, while I was out doing that, I came up with an idea for a longish sort of piece - really, a series of shorter songs, like Images - as a composition exercise for this next month or so.
+
The Idea
+Write a song about several different kinds of drinks - Gin & Tonic, mojito, white Russian, and so on - WITHOUT using clichés (so no cuban beats for the Mojito, and no club jazz for the G&T).
+
Ensemble
+-Flute
+-Guitar
+-Piano
+
Structure
+Not sure how I want to structure it. I mean, arch form is kinda neat, and so is a big flashy climax, but maybe something dealing more with the drinks themselves, like moving from less classy to more classy...? Or by ingredient, so I could segue from G&Ts to Martinis or something.
+
The Drinks (or, at least, some that come to mind - suggestions for adding or removing are welcome)
+Gin drinks
+-Gin and tonic
+-Martini (gin, vermouth, olives)
+Rum drinks
+-Mojito (rum, lime, mint, simple syrup, soda water)
+-Rum and coke
+Sweet drinks
+-White russian (coffee liquor, vodka, milk, cream)
+-Margarita (tequila, triple sec, sweet lime juice)
+Whiskey drinks
+-Rob roy (scotch, sweet vermouth, bitters)
+-Sazerac (rye whiskey, bitters, absinthe, simple syrup)
+C-c-c-combo breaker!
+-Long Island Iced Te
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+ Zk | Bitches love me 'cause they know that I lick rocks.
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Zk | Bitches love me 'cause they know that I lick rocks.
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Think I'm going to narrow it down to five drinks, just to make writing the songs a little more manageable. I think this is a good order, too. It's going kinda from high-brow to low-brow, which works if you think of it as a series of drinks had in one night, with the inverse relationship of class to alcohol consumed :o)
Wait, why'd I say that? Who am I catering to? I'm just curious, really.. I see that a lot in people's journals, about how they feel a commitment to their blog, and that they surely must write in it, must update everyone to their goings on. Well, that's cool ^^
+
Anyway, Friday was pretty boring during the day, except for a brief moment of fame directing Chivalry. Well.. directing to the air, while Chivalry sat and talked about underwater basket-weaving or something. After school, people (Ryan, Kiran, Andrew, Me, Nick, and Brian) wrestled first in the 800 hall, then out by the bus-stop, where I earned by grass stains. Afterwards, I dropped people off and ran home to get ready for going out to AA and The Foxhole with Mikey, Samir and Vulpine. AA was odd. I felt like I was excluding myself, neither with Mikey and Samir, who sat off to the side, nor with Ryan et al. We drove to Denver after that to go clubbing, but the club had been converted to a sports bar, so we drove up to Frederick, where we tried to play T&D, which I promptly ruined. Mikey and I napped some before Andrew and I had to go back. I was going to just get my car and follow Sakun back, but I was too tired and just stayed at home.
+
Today, I cleaned and worked a little with Tim and Sean on the history project. Or, rather, we discussed how to work, while actually accomplishing little.
+Nothing of real import; a survey and an odd email.
+1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
+The Master and Margarita - Mikhail Bulgakov:
+(... Pro-)curator ran through the text out of the corner of his eye,
+2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? My keyboard (RD-150, mmm... piano action keys!)
+3: What is the last thing you watched on TV? Um.. Nova, probably, at my dad's, and only a glimpse.
+4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 11:00
+5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 10:06, but my computer hasn't gone through Daylight Savings yet.
+6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Beethoven's 7th, mvt. 1
+7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing? I just got back from the bookstore a few minutes ago.
+8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at? More blogs.
+9: What are you wearing? Grass-stained Propper khakis and a choir T-shirt (this years, with Merlin on it)
+10: Did you dream last night? What about? Walking around some town. That's all I remember.
+11: When did you last laugh? At the bookstore. In outrage over the prices. HAH!
+12: What is on the walls of the room you are in? A picture of a stream, book-cases, a poster for the inaguration of the Dali museum, and my favorite picture, a black and white of a statue in a cemetary in France, a tombstone with a statue of a woman in a simple dress crying into her hands.
+13: Seen anything weird lately? An email, which follows.
+14: What do you think of this quiz? Um.. odd.
+15: What is the last film you saw? In the theatres? Last movie I saw was Secret Window, which also answers the question in regards to theatres.
+16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? Some books c.c
+17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: Huh.. um.. Beethoven, as much as I love him, makes my teeth hurt, though I may be listening to music too loud.
+18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I'd make myself a better person. I am the world, you see, to me.
+19: Do you like to dance? DDR, yeah; really, I'm not sure.
+20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years? George Bush is a human being of the male gender who sometimes appears on the goddamnednoisybox. I don't pay much attention to him.
+21A: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Kelly or Amanda or Anne (but not Annie) or Aurelia (Heh, Ecce! c.c)
+21B: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Max or Josh or Simon or Michael.
+22: Would you ever consider living abroad? Actually, the only place I can really picture living is Colorado, Tucson, or perhaps Canada (which I guess is abroad)
+23: Will you pass on this survey? Passively.
+
+Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 00:37:56 -0800
+From: Cockles M. Deputies -anthropologist@commitmentphobic.com-
+To: Ranna -ranna@babylonia.flatirons.org-
+Subject: Save on software, Ranna !
+Parts/Attachments:
+ 1 OK 18 lines Text
+ 2 Shown 24 lines Text
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here's no earthly reason why you should remember me... :))
+The fool within himself is the object of pity, until he is flattered.
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I'd promised myself that I would ride 150 miles this week - weeks start on mondays - and I'm at 151 with a day to go. Dare I try for 200? :3 I have a route in mind if I feel up to it tomorrow
Oooooor.. I could wind up with a bike that usually goes for $1300 for a tenth of that price (originally retailed for $3750 according to the internet @.@). Sure, it's broken, but nothing unfixable with a little ingenuity. <br clear="all"/
I tried to install a new barcode scanner for someone today, but no matter what I do, I couldn't get it to work. At first, it would beep and scan like normal, but wouldn't send any data to the computer, then it stopped altogether. Finally, I gave up and just fixed the old scanner with a hack. When I got down to my station again, my boss helpfully informed me that you have to program the scanner with a series of bar codes on a sheet he keeps in his office.
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+ Zk | 'Better off dead.' What an ugly thought.
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Zk | 'Better off dead.' What an ugly thought.
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More plans. Wondering if I should go back on fish oil, nasty stuff that it is.
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Damn me for being such a loser. I can't figure out how to find my boundries without them having to be tested, which seems to necessitate feeling uncomfortable, if only for a little bit. Sorry, Mikey, for making things so hard, I feel really dumb. Any suggestions on finding boundries would be helpful
Got a couple of ideas in mind for NaNoWriMo, but I'm keeping those to myself :o)
+
Mainly, starting to plan for the Benefit Concert catering gig again. I'm thinking still making some fancy stuff, but maybe a little standard, instead of all the greek food I made last year. Compiling a list of fancy finger foods that I know Should still have a balance between sweet and savory..
+
(v = ovo-lactic vegetarian, V = vegan, GF = gluten free)
+Sweet
+- Applesauce cake/cupcakes (v)
+- Scones (lavender-rosemary, spice, fruit; different kinds?) and lemon curd (v)
+- Papaya/mango fruit leather as a container for julienned fruit, lime and mint sweet dressing. (V GF)
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Savory
+- Mini-bruschetta (v)
+- Focaccia (V)
+- Cherry/plum tomatoes as a container for quinoa, dressing made with the tomato seed juice, lemon, basil, and olive oil. (V GF
I went out for a ride and took along my QL17, all excited to be taking pictures again. I even processed the film right as I got home, only to find that my scanner seems to have developed a mean streak, nopunintended.
+
Of course, I didn't find this out until I had already finished scanning all 25 pictures
Just unboxed 20 more towers, which should be out in public by Wednesday. Thankfully, though, it looks like I'm going to miss a good portion of the reimaging. I might see some of it on Wednesday, but we're reimaging.. uh.. about 150 towers and 200 laptops (40 of which are being decommissioned due to the 40 new laptops I unboxed last week.. or the week before?). I, however, will be in Florida. :D
Alright, so I finally started reading the Harry Potter series a few days ago, and, while I really do like the story, I have a completely different opinion about Mrs. Rowling's writing, which I'll do my best to keep to myself, here. Excepting, of course, the following between Harry and Professor McGonagall:
+
She stood up, nostrils wide and mouth very thin, and he stood too.
+"Have another biscuit," she said irritably, thrusting the tin at him.
+"No thanks," said Harry coldly.
+"Don't be ridiculous," she snapped.
+He took one.
+"Thanks," he said, grudgingly.
I don't know if trips right before school starts are such a good idea - make me all emo; being disgusted by one or two of my classes as well as my roommate is just piled on top of missing people and not wanting to be back at all
For those who are interested I will be in Korea from October 24th through November 4th. Luckily, this leaves thanksgiving break free. Unluckily, that's a lot of school to miss. Oh well, should be fun if I go
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Zk | French is confusing.
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You can say five until five in the afternoon (cinq heures moins cinq a l'après-midi), but not five until 1700(dix-sept heures moins cinq dix-sept heures et cinquante-cinq). Also, whose idea was it to make seventy 'sixty-plus-ten', eighty 'twenty-times-four', and ninety 'twenty-times-four-plus-ten'?
+
Oh well, reasonably fun. Choir should be fun, too, except for the Disney medley
Weaksauce is getting 11 miles into a 17 mile ride before realizing that a centimeter adjustment in seat height has caused an interruption in the path your thigh normally takes during pedaling by the mount of your rear rack, leading to wearing a hole in a pair of $40 riding shorts as well as in the back of your thigh.
Omigosh bike's fixed @.@ For free, too. I was so thankful, that I bought a pair of glasses from the store, just to give them -some- money. :
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+ Zk | An extension, and today.
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Zk | An extension, and today.
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Okay, so last night. There had been a rather terse conversation between Michael ('Mikey' is cool, but I really like Michael ^^) previously, and we decided talking in person would be better. Since neither of us wanted to really drive to the other's town, we decided to meet up in Sa-kun's. We agreed on Caffe Luna, which, when we arrived, we discovered had closed some hours previously.
+
We had an interesting discussion while there. I lamented on the fact that I seem to really suck at talking, and ended up talking about that for about 45 minutes ( :oP ). The topic drifted to random things, such as genetic disorders, polygamy, and goats (honestly). Then there was a good 15 minutes of random noises and scaring Longmont denizens. This was followed by more talking and some canoodling up until the time we both had to get going, none the more caffeinated.
+
Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most. Michael has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck. It just feels like it would actually work in his case. As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates. Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with. Ah well. Something to think about.
+
Today, Ryan spoke to me of a dream about me sleeping and him floating, and of him going Todash before he slept (I know it doesn't quite fit, but todash seems like a good word for projection). The topic was brought up again later during passing period before seventh. I mentioned some stuff about my self-induced Self-lag, as well as the non-intentional incedents, such as quite a few times in the senior parking lot right before I cross over the concrete median that divides the lot from the bus chute. It'd be interesting to have the site investigated - doused, maybe - just to see what's there.
+
Kiran was leaking emotions today in bio. They're his, so I shan't share much about them, but needless to say, I was picking up on them. I can shield, but empathy's such a curious feeling; I'd like to learn to control it better, instead of just picking up on the odd (fairly intense) bits. There was a point near the beginning of the class when I ended up shutting my eye on the side nearest to Kiran 'cause I was picking up on it so strongly. Don't you dare appologize, Kiran; God knows I have my own problems, and I don't mean to objectify yours so, it's just that the experience itself was of note.
+
After school, I went to the officers' meeting and picked up some ideas for the choir video. I'm gonna put a box in the choir room for people to put the pictures they want to donate, as well as any suggestions for songs they have. So far, we've got a really short choir video, with the picnic, a few from extravaganza, and a WHOLE BUNCH from All-State. Must work on this weeknights as well as weekends. Monday, Thursday, and Friday would be good days; Tuesday's at my dad's, and Wednesday is OASOS.
+
Speaking of, Shannon got stabbed in the forehead, so I read. I was half amused and half concerned by the story. It was funny, but when you name your S.I. instruments, I find it kind of disconcerting. Shall have to 'HUG MY DUCKY' (heh).
+
Today, I got my Azumaga Daioh, my Whitacre CD (LOVE Whitacre's When David Heard is the first song that made me cry just by listening to it - I cried while singing Mozart's Requiem, and nearly did during part of Vivaldi's Gloria, but that's something different), and the book Sweetwater by Lawrence Yep, a favorite book from elementary school. It's surprising how good some children's literature really is. Star Luck should be coming soon. Yay, ALibris.com
+
I believe that's all. I shan't be sleeping much tonight, so I may update further if struck by something hard enough to knock me over
After getting hit by a car, I came down with the flu - and on a holiday weekend. NEAT. Probably made an ass of myself down in Denver, but I'm not sure. I don't remember much other than a break in the delirium where I was made to take benedryl.
+
I've been taking advantage of my 'convalescence' to re-cable the recumbent. I now have both breaks working. The rear derailleur works with a new cable, and the front works with a new shifter (they had a 7-speed shifter controlling three gears - might've screwed up the derailleur). The bike works now, which is good. All that's left, really, is to strengthen the frame properly
Damnit. More delays on the major front. For those who don't know, I've been trying to switch from Music Education to Music Composition, so that I can, you know, not have to work in public schools. I've been working with Dr. Forest Greenough - taking composition lessons and working to get into the program - even though the composition professor and department head is Dr. Wohl. Forest seemed pretty confident that, when I submitted my composition portfolio a month and change ago that I would make it into the composition program with no problem, even if I wound up staying in school for an extra year taking just composition studio and an ensemble, while working 30-35 hours a week to pay for school.
+
Well, I met with Dr. Wohl today in order to see what all I could be doing. I was surprised to hear that, not only had he not seen my portfolio, but wasn't really interested in it. Rather, he said that, due to funding, the composition program was there in name only, and there weren't any students in that major (which is curious, since Elliott Fiedler just graduated with his composition degree in May). Well, okay. I can deal. Instead, I figured I'd just take composition lessons with Dr. Wohl, what with Forest being way too busy this semester to fit me in. $60/hr isn't that bad, and maybe I can keep taking the lessons after I graduate with my plain-jane BA in music, since it's not done through the university. After getting all this sorted out, I headed back to the music building.
+
While there, I ran into Forest and told him about what happened. He was shocked - to his knowledge, the composition program was still there, and I should be in it. Apparently, my portfolio disappeared and the head of the program decided that, while I'd still learn composition, I wouldn't get the degree, and that I'd be paying him directly out of pocket with money that may or may not be taxable. Huh. Strange. Both Forest and I were rushing to get somewhere else, so we didn't discuss that in full, so I'm waiting on a reply to a lengthly email I sent him to see what all I should do. I'd really rather feel much better going through the university - not only would the degree help with several schools with MA programs in composition (I've been told that some just see a BA-Music as a BA-Music, but I'm not sure), but I'd really rather be able to see where my money's going. Not to mention the fact that that would let me stay in choir for a while longer :o
+[...]I was/am just as miffed at what you said. The fact is, we do have
+a composition degree here. If we as a committee accept you as a composition
+major, then you can be one.[...]
+
I am not sure what Dr. Wohl is saying exactly, and I don't want to be
+unprofessional, so I will continue to help you figure this out. I put your
+portfolio in his box over a month ago, and sent an email to him about this (as
+well as Dr. Queen) with the intent on getting you approved to be a composition
+major. We have already done this for one other student, and you are the
+perfect candidate for this as well. Aargh!
+
As far as whether or not you should graduate with the BA, that is a tough
+call. There is a lot to be said to just getting done, but it really comes
+down to your portfolio. Do you feel your portfolio is strong enough to get
+into a graduate program? I would say the title of your degree is secondary to
+the strength of your portfolio, depending on where you want to go. Some of
+the more "old school" programs back east might not agree with this, but then
+again some of those teachers are still writing serial "music." Last time I
+checked it wasn't 1950 anymore. You could also make the case for staying in
+school to beef up your portfolio, as music school is the ideal laboratory for
+a composer--where else do you have so many musicians at your fingertips
+willing to play new music? Besides, you should still be experimenting to a
+fairly large degree right now, until you better develop your personal "voice."
+This is the place to do that.
+
I will investigate further and have an answer for you. This is aggrevating
+though. In the meantime decide if you really want to try and get the comp
+degree and if you do, we can make it happen.
+
+What do you all think? I'm now quite torn.. I'd really like to stick around for a bit longer and, as Forest said, have the resource of the music department to play with, as well as have that extra assurance of 'Composition' on my diploma for some schools. He does have a point about Just Getting Done, though.. Hmm
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+ Zk | [no subject]
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I have ten days to write a paper for my 20th Century Fiction class. As I'm sure I've bitched to some before, this class is much worse the second time around: my teacher started out by treating us all like preschoolers (lower level class ftw), but now he's settled into a comfortable mix of condescension and reading from the book nervously. His ideas are rote, and there is NO room for taking any non-textbook ideas into account. I've given up trying to be intelligent to get my participation points, and instead just define everyday words that he asks about.
+
So for the paper, I figured I'd get all snarky. I'm thinking:
On the Dichotomy between Chaos and Order: a Discordian Look at Yevgeny Zamyatin's We</p
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+ Zk | Maybe that double-shot earlier wasn't a good idea..
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Zk | Maybe that double-shot earlier wasn't a good idea..
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Random inspiration to put together a short (1'20") soundtrack sample, in case it ever comes up (and I sure hope it does). Very rough draft at the moment - there's some timing issues that need working out, and I'm not too happy with the fade-out. The sound rendering is the best Kontakt can do; which is, to say, terrible. I'll stick it in GigaStudio3 once I figure out how to get the sampler computer working at school.
I guess I should've explained when I posted it, but that video does have an intended meaning (it's in the 70s, which means it's Modern). The setting is supposed to be a cafe, but it comes off more as a cafeteria in a mental hospital. The whole thing's half an hour long or so, and is made up of different scenes involving two patients, a doctor, and a mincing visitor in high heels and a red fright wig. I think the story's supposed to be mostly about the visitor and her own descent into madness (maybe she's a new patient?).
+
Anyway, that scene that I posted is about behavioral modification: The psychologist is trying to modify the couple's behavior into a more standard (read: socially acceptable) model, i.e.: kissing and such, but the couple keeps going back to clinging to each other. In the end, instead of learning the new behavior, the learn the process of modification, which, I'm sure, happens more often than people would like to say
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+ Zk | This is how I feel. ^^
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Zk | This is how I feel. ^^
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+
i will wade out
+ till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers
+I will take the sun into my mouth
+and leap into the ripe air
+ Alive
+ with closed eyes
+to dash against the darkness
+ in the sleeping curves of my body
+Shall enter fingers of smooth mastery
+with chasteness of sea-girls
+ Will I complete the mystery
+ of my flesh
+I will rise
+ After a thousand years
+lipping
+flowers
+ And set my teeth in the silver of the moon
+-E. E. Cumming
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+ Zk | Before I go attack ze kitchons..
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Zk | Before I go attack ze kitchons..
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A little update! Had my first comp. lesson with Dr. Wohl on Friday. He's a very smart man, and an excellent composer (I showed him that stupid little video I made, and he made up his own soundtrack on the spot by playing a very broken/modal ragtime piece for it. Awesome). Got a few homework assignments to be working on, too. That said, I'm feeling even worse about paying him large amounts of money under the table than before, and even had a talk with Forest about what to do, so later this week, I'm going to print out that portfolio again and bring it straight to Dr. Queen, Dr. Wohl's supervisor, in order to skip this roadblock completely. We'll see how that goes.
+
In other news, after a week of preparing and a weekend of cooking, I catered the benefit concert once more last night. So. Much. Food. G'damn. Also once more, all that's left is a few of the vegan items - quinoa stuffed tomatoes, in this case - for me to munch on over the next few days. I'd definitely call it a success. Totally spaced my camera in the rush to get stuff over there, so I don't actually have any pictures of the setup. Fuckfuckfuck. Oh well ;.;
+
Now I get to clean D
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+ Zk | Did you know...
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+ Zk | Note to self, comp homework for friday.
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Zk | Note to self, comp homework for friday.
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+
So set its Sun in Thee
+What Day be dark to me —
+What Distance — far —
+So I the Ships may see
+That touch — how seldomly —
+Thy Shore?
+
--Emily Dickenson
+
Piano, voice; two modes: C dorian (do re me fa so la te), C double harmonic (do ra mi fa so le ti); triads and sevenths (no ninths), some rhythmic figure - exploring cadence points
+
+
+ Stolen from Andreal.These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users (as of today).
+
+- Bold what you have read
+- Italicize what you started but couldn't finish
+- Strike through what you couldn't stand.
+- Underline ones you own but haven't read yet.
+
+
+
+Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
+Anna Karenina
+Crime and Punishment
+Catch-22
+One Hundred Years of Solitude
+Wuthering Heights
+The Silmarillion
+Life of Pi
+The Name of the Rose
+Don Quixote
+Moby Dick
+Ulysses
+Madame Bovary
+The Odyssey
+Pride and Prejudice
+Jane Eyre
+A Tale of Two Cities
+The Brothers Karamazov
+Guns, Germs, and Steel
+War and Peace
+Vanity Fair
+The Time Traveler's Wife
+The Iliad
+Emma
+The Blind Assassin
+The Kite Runner
+Mrs. Dalloway
+Great Expectations
+American Gods
+A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
+Atlas Shrugged
+Reading Lolita in Tehran
+Memoirs of a Geisha
+Middlesex
+Quicksilver
+Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West D: (un peu)
+The Canterbury Tales
+The Historian
+A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
+Love in the Time of Cholera
+Brave New World
+The Fountainhead
+Foucault's Pendulum
+Middlemarch
+Frankenstein
+The Count of Monte Cristo
+Dracula
+A Clockwork Orange
+Anansi Boys
+The Once and Future King
+The Grapes of Wrath
+The Poisonwood Bible
+1984
+Angels & Demons D:D:D:
+The Inferno
+The Satanic Verses D:
+Sense and Sensibility
+The Picture of Dorian Gray
+Mansfield Park
+One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
+To the Lighthouse
+Tess of the D'Urbervilles
+Oliver Twist
+Gulliver's Travels
+Les Misérables
+The Corrections
+The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
+the curious incident of the dog in the night-time
+Dune
+The Prince
+The Sound and the Fury
+Angela's Ashes
+The God of Small Things
+A People's History of the United States : 1492-present
+Cryptonomicon
+Neverwhere
+A Confederacy of Dunces
+A Short History of Nearly Everything
+Dubliners
+The Unbearable Lightness of Being
+Beloved
+Slaughterhouse-five
+The Scarlet Letter
+Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation D:
+The Mists of Avalon
+Oryx and Crake
+Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
+Cloud Atlas
+The Confusion
+Lolita
+Persuasion
+Northanger Abbey
+The Catcher in the Rye
+On the Road
+The Hunchback of Notre Dame
+Freakonomics: a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything D:
+Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
+The Aeneid
+Watership Down
+Gravity's Rainbow
+The Hobbit
+In Cold Blood
+White Teeth
+Treasure Island
+David Copperfield
+The Three Musketeers
+
+Personally, I can't see why some of these are on there. I put frowny faces after 'em :D:D:D:D:D
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+ Zk | Selling stuff.
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Zk | Selling stuff.
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+
Matt's financial trouble again. Buy shit.
+
Locally
+- Saunders/LPL (Omega) c6700 Dichroic color/b&w enlarger (mint condition) and some darkroom equipment.
+- 'Vintage' guitar starter setup - late 70s/early 80s Hohner Telecaster clone (good condition), Hohner Contessa amp (good condition, some cosmetic stuff, fucking huge), Ibanez PT-9 Phaser pedal
+- Violin - Stradivarius copy, two bows (good condition, one bow needs to be rehaired)
+- Selmer/Bundy II alto saxaphone (good condition)
+- HP ScanJet 7400c scanner with negative/slide scanning (okay condition - needs to be cleaned if you're scanning negatives/slides)
+- Furniture: couch that we never use, extensible kitchen table and chairs with a slight greenish tint
+- MAPP gas torch setup - half can of gas, niceish torch, gloves, safety glasses (can't ship the gas)
+- Brewing equipment - single stage kit (basically) for all-grain: brew bucket, wort kettle, mash/lauter tun (cooler with grain bag), sparge bucket, immersion chiller, possibly a keg or two.
+- Phillips component CD burner - good cd player, okay cd burner. Needs music-formatted CD-Rs, and doesn't like CD-RWs or 'open' session CD-Rs. Believe it takes optical in, as well. Maybe.
+- Cat, answers to Sera. Just kidding :3
+
Shippable
+- Computer equipment: video, sound, network cards, memory of various types, some processors (800mHz - 1.3 gHz), cases of various types (probably don't want to ship), a CRT monitor, Wacom Intuos tablet. Ask, I have lots more random crap.
+- Artley student flute - needs to be repadded, but mechanically okay.
+- Books - Harry Potter 2-5, Redwall hardcover books (a good portion of 'em, at least)
+- Rocket e-Book: text-files or html files, purchased or downloaded, can be viewed on backlit PDA type thing. Leather case, serial dock, charger. (very good condition)
+- M:TG cards. All of them. 3000 or so. No, I will not sort them.
+- Niceish longboard trucks and wheels.
+- Rollerblade Vapor rollerblades (quite nice, really) size 11-12
+
More later, I bet.. either reply, or email to ranna at simla dot colostate dot edu if you're interested
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+ Zk | Homework for next week includes..
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Zk | Homework for next week includes..
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3 - Write a chromatic lamentation for strings where emphasis upon total melodic motion obliterates root feeling.
For the first three FIVE people that reply to me & repost this challenge I will send you something most cool.
+
It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash.
+
What ever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or less. The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be the first three to reply to this & post the same thing on your LJ-because it's fun to give people stuff.
You know? There's some real shitheads in the world, both online and in real life. It confuses me how much everyone seems to like them or at least try to get into their pants.
+
Yes, this is about someone in particular. No, I'm not sharing. Gonna have to live with vague. It's none of you, though
Reading The Celestine Prophecy, finally, after Steve recommended it.. uh.. four years ago. Five. Anyway, like Harry Potter, there's a bunch of good ideas crammed into poor writing. Still, I haven't lost interest, so it can't be that bad.
Went to bed early, so I'll wake up early and finish homework then.
+In the mean time:
+
"I should note"
+The undersides
+ off gray
+ of clouds
+ drift
+ while I
+ on the path
+ stand
+ above
+ where the crow flies
+ me.
+Off
+ with purple
+ gray, I
+ wandering
+ ponder, should
+ in a perfect
+ were there such a thing
+ world
+ be a
+ though the word is plain
+ color with it's own
+ to name
+ as they say
+ creates
+ word.
+It soothes.
+--Anon.
+
Jealousy tore through
+ cleaving and cleaving
+But love unites
+ rending and mending.
+--
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+ Zk | Also for sale...
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Just finished it. I disagree with a few of the insights, and the novel comes off as a little trashy - like a dime-novel bought at the checkout counter. That said, there's also a good deal that I agree with, and I'm rather taken with the ideas on interpersonal relationships and how they work, and I guess I'd recommend it to a few folk. Ryan, you may want to check it out.. I'll probably give it to John Wright to read, too.
+
Next: non-fiction (?)
+God is a Verb: Kabbalah and the Practice of Mystical Judaism - Rabbi David A. Cooper.
+78 Degrees of Wisdom: A Book of Tarot - Rachel Pollack
+The Book of Thoth - Aleister Crowley.
+
Armchair mystic :o/ It.. sorta makes sense in the terms of the First Insight, though. At least I'm getting back into it.
Floe's fault. Did a reading. It indicated GREAT SUCCESS for to better the Matt. As long has he does some stuff.
+
DD
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+ Zk | The keyboard sends a toggle event bleep bleep bloop.
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Zk | The keyboard sends a toggle event bleep bleep bloop.
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Once I get some stuff sold off, I think my first purchase is going to be stuff for a file server. Not only am I running out of space on my own computer, but I fear for the health of my drives, considering how old and well-used they are. This way I can keep work stuff, compositions, music, and so on nice and safe :3
+Bleep bleep bloop bleepLiiiiiist.
+
+Case: got it already, taken from Ryan c.c Thermaltake XaserIII (pronounced: [ˈoʊvə˞ˌkɪl]). Ah well. The reason I'm using it is that it has seven fucking fans, most of which hook into the PSU fairly directly, which seems like a safe bet to me. Gamer's case. Effin' huge.
+
+Board: ASUS μATX / AM2 socket / DVI and VGA out / 6xUSB 2.0 / 10/100/1000 MBps ethernet / DDR2 800 max 8GB / RAID 0/1/5/10/JBOD
+
+Processor: AMD Sempron LE-1100 Sparta 1.9GHz / 256K cache
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+Memory: A-Data 1GB 240-Pin DDR2 800 SDRAM
+
+Drives: Seagate Barracuda 40GB / I dunno / IDE (already have it); 2xSeagate Barracuda 500GB / 7200 RPM / SATA 3.0 GB/s
+
+Price: $385.95 (newegg)
+
+Setup: Debian Etch 64 (or whatever is newest) on the 40GB drive running all sorts of network daemons (Samba, Apache, SSHd, etc.) bridging network to wired/wireless router. /home mounted on RAID-1 array (pure mirroring, very safe) of the two 500GB disks. This means 500GB total. I can add another RAID-1 array with another couple of hyoooge disks at some later point if I need (if I get really into soundtrack stuff, or if I have lots of samples, or if I become independently wealthy).
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+ Zk | HAY PEOPLE WITH MONEY :D:D:D
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Also still available:
+Photo enlarger, computer parts, guitar/amp/pedal, brewery equipment.. well, everything that was on that last post that's not crossed out
People whom I owe: if I know your address, I'm mailing your shite tomorrow. If I don't know your address, I needs it :3 Email makyo at drab dash makyo dot com.
Scruff, you're not getting your package for a bit, even though I've got it all packed up. Our postal service just doesn't seem to want me to ship it. Aren't they great
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+ Thesis IdeaThe Music of the Spheres: Mysticism and Music Through the Ages.
+
+Definitions
+- Spiritualities
+-- Minor
+-- Major
+-- Dominant
+- Mysticism
+- Secular/National mysticism
+- Musical mysticism
+Early Music
+- Asia
+- Mid-east?
+- Africa?
+- N. America
+Early Majority Spiritualities
+- Greek
+- Judaism
+- Hinduism?
+- East Asian?
+Rise of Dominant Spiritualities
+- Judaism
+- Christianity
+-- Catholicism
+-- After the Schism
+- Asia? Pwease?
+Changes in the Enlightenment
+- Some crap here
+The Romantic Era Resurgence
+- Keats Keats Keats Keats Keats some crap here
+Secular Mysticism into the 20th Century
+- Primitivism
+- Some crap here
+- Nationalism/Patriotism
+20th Century Revivals
+- Christian
+- Acceptance of mysticism (read: the 60s and 70s)
+- Drugs and clubs (Erowid = primary sources :3)
+Into the 21st Century
+- Ideas from mysticism into therapy
+- Some crap here.
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+ Zk | [no subject]
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For Floe :3 The whole thing's documented here: http://flickr.com/photos/ranna/tags/coqauvin/ I can't really order search results, but everything's numbered.
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OMIGOSH Ryan and Merry: dinner for the ceremony? Totally easy to make in bulk :3<br clear="all"/
Whatcha think, Ryan, Merry? Should I sew these into a stole and carry a staff? I could be quite Popely :D<br clear="all"/
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+ Zk | I've never wanted to drop out of college..
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Zk | I've never wanted to drop out of college..
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..until now.
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This shit's fucked, yo. Apparently, I'm required to, for all intents and purposes, minor in a 'coherent field' in order to graduate with a BA in music. Of course, I was never told this, because I was too busy trying to get into a major that "doesn't exist anymore, except on paper", but will, apparently, be starting up the semester after I planned on graduating, and my advisor "doesn't know what it takes to get a music degree."
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Fuck you, CSU - fuck you, advising system. Go drown yourself in a vat of jaundiced baby shit.
+
Suggestions are welcome, but here are some options:
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Transfer to Metro, move, and get a generic teaching licensure and/or music degree.
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Stay at CSU with as full a class load as possible to graduate with BA as soon as possible
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Stay at CSU and just get the fucking composition degree, doing my level best to get Dr. Wohl fired.
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Drop out and work in a call centerFurry Depot steady job until I can afford to do what I want to complete my education.
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BUTWAIT!!!!!
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You paid attention during 100% of high school!
85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!
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+ Zk | The situation as of now:
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Zk | The situation as of now:
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My choices are: stay in school for a little while longer, or drop out and get disowned.
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Looks like I'll be in school for a while longer. :3 Going to do my level best to force Dr. Wohl to make my lessons count next semester so that I can get a head start on that.
To all those to whom I promised constant internet access while I was in Korea, I'm sorry
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I lied.
+
Only half the rooms in the hotel are set up correctly, and they are the first rooms to go. I'm stuck paying 500 Won for 20 minutes in order to use the internets on some random computer. Anyway, can't do my homework, so I'm just gonna get wasted on soju and leave notes of eLove to y'all 'cause I've got so little times (15 minutes to catch up on LJ, 5 minutes to write @.@) Hope you're all doing fabulously. I'm doing okay, 'cept that I got really sick with jet lag. Better now! :oP
So, here's the deal. People are so dramatic in this choir, that I feel like I'm truly alone in a foreign country. If the person next to me isn't Korean, they're completely enveloped in a thin layer of drama that makes them nearly impossible to talk to. Dr. Kim is likely the most normal person here. Effin' awesome
Bahahaha. We just sang for what appeared to be a choral-only, Korean version of the Proms and gave three encores! @.@ Probably the most amazing performance we've given, fo' real. Home on Sunday, though, which I'm pleased about, even if it means 32 hours of travel. Folk whom I'm supposed to call, I'll call when I get to Denver
So.. my connection in Seoul got dropped, and now I'm in vancouver, but I'm sure I'm still connected to a MUCK or two. Sorry if.. er.. I'm confusing folk :D
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Almost hooooooome
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+ Zk | I suppose I should write eventually..
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Zk | I suppose I should write eventually..
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Alright, picking up from.. whenever I last actually wrote, despite actually doing my homework, I still failed both the chapter test and the homework test (sign of a bad teacher #4). Wednesday was group, whereupon more reviewing and revamping of OASOS took place. Ryan actually went, and so, for the first time in a few months, we actually had the entire pack together. Afterwards, we went to Penny Lane for coffee with a bunch of others. Alec and I talked books and music; Moondog, Ever, and Vulpine talked zoophilia; Ryan sat and watched for everyone else.
+
Thursday was.. um.. what was thursday? I seem to have erased it from my mind. Did something bad happen?
+
Friday, there was an Excal performance, during which I got sick (same as before, when I got the massive hurting after attunement) and ran off during the closing speech. We got back right before 8th, but I decided to go home. Ibuprofin and lying down helped enormously, so I went back to school to catch people for AA. There, I ran into MissDoo, who just barely believed my sick story. Andrew bluntly told me that I was driving him to see Sakun at 7. I was thrown off-guard by his lack of any sort of greeting. There wasn't any AMC, so we tried to watch Azumanga Daioh in Mr. LaRue's room, but it wouldn't work in his DVD player (just like mine :oP). We made our way out to the drizzly bus stop, where Ryan and I talked and goofed around with Nicku. Picked up Shannon for AA at around 6:30 and we bopped over to CU, where we met up with the gang again, drawing on the chalk boards. I sorta draped myself over Kiran (well, not really, just kinda pet him and such) before I was pulled off by Andrew to take him up to Frederick.
+
At Kei-kun's, we met with Sakun and Michael and watched TV for a while. Azumanga Daioh worked, so I watched that while Mikey and Samir talked, smoked, argued, and hotboxed the garage with cloves. After a while, we split into the two rooms, and Michael and I goofed around in Linda's. Eventually, Andrew had to go home, so he and Samir stopped their naughtiness and headed back to Boulder, leaving Michael and me to ourselves. There was a call and Mikey had to leave, so I went to sleep and woke up right as Moondog was about to pass out. I put him to bed and headed back to Boulder for a shower, then to Lakewood for lunch.
+
At my dad's, I started downloading Slackware 9.1 ISOs for when I get my laptop, and I also got PDF Writer from my dad, which is cool. And now, I don't feel like writing anymore ^
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+ Zk | Happy Fun Time with hard drives.
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Zk | Happy Fun Time with hard drives.
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I thought I'd finally filled up what appeared to be a 40GB hard drive last night until I realized that, for some reason, it was only 18GB. Hmm. I spent last night and most of the time I was awake today trying to get my computer set up the way I want it by scavenging parts I already have, and now I've got a 40GB drive where I need it, after much cursing and flailing. The problem is, now I'm stuck with a ghost drive in Explorer from when I was fiddling with backing stuff up off other drives before I wiped them. Disk Manager doesn't see it, and neither does Hardware Manager, which is as it should be, but Explorer thinks there's an X: drive that it just can't access. Puzzled over that when I got home from school, then crashed. Oh well. I'll just live with it for now.
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Anyway, money's really starting to worry me. I need to get my card paid off ASAP, and having to pay for lessons is not helping >:E Also, I fail at jet lag
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+ Zk | Huh, that's a new one.
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Zk | Huh, that's a new one.
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Woke up to clickclickclick!Click!CLICK! ... buzzbuzzbuzzWindowsErrorNoise
Do y'all have a specific formula you use to determine the price of commissions or prints? I'm looking to come up with something to price out pieces of music fairly.
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In other news, I finished my portfolio to turn in tomorrow (thus me being awake at 3 AM). 16 pieces I like, and most of them I'm actually proud of. Some are on my FA account
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+ Zk | Freak with a camera.
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Zk | Freak with a camera.
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+'s fault:
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What is the name of your fursona?
+Makyo
+
Where did the name of your Fursona come from?
+Makyo are illusions that distract from the path to enlightenment. How dull.
+
What species is your fursona and why did you choose that species?
+Arctic fox - because they lick rocks. And because they're quite fluffy.
+
What color is your fursona and why? Hair/fur/eyes/etc
+...white? Blue in the summer months.
+
What is your fursona's personality and how does this compare to your irl personality?
+Maybe a little freer with words than I am in person.. pretty similar other than that.
+
What is one item your fursona owns that is significant to you irl?
+The suit. I want it. I would wear it.
+
What is one thing you think you would say to your fursona if you could meet?
+"Hey, buddy, spare a dollar?"
+
What is one thing your fursona would say to you if you could meet?
+"GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE." (bonus points of you get it)
+
How has your fursona changed over the years?
+Well, for one, he's only been around for a year or so. I guess he's grown up some.
+
How long have you had this fursona?
+I dunno.. about a year, I guess. In a more general sense, since about 2000.
+
Would you like to be more like your fursona?
+If only I could be so dapper
I blame Merry and Jane, but, oddly, not Maryjane.
+Blather
+History of the matter - One step closer to Ein Sof - Shock and Awe - Coming to terms with being a terrible person
+
I am not writing this for it to be believed, or even seen as a creed - how could I hold that power over anyone? - but simply to explain myself. Read this and take it into account, as only one man's manifesto.
+
When someone recently asked me about my religious beliefs because they were genuinely interested to know, I was at a loss. I think I answered a muttered excuse of being agnostic because God was none of my business.
+
Thinking back on it now, this answer is inadequate for a few reasons. For one, my reply was based off the set and setting: this was during a choir tour in South Korea, and not only was most of the choir Christian, but most of the stops on the tour were to Christian churches. Secondly, and due in part to the above, I'm sure our concepts of God differ in many ways. Lastly, born of my haste, I was not completely explicit when I said "none of my business."
+
Now that we are back home and I have time in the evenings to do as I please and study what I will, I will strive to come up with a more complete answer to this rather complex question.
+
A bit of history is certainly in order for this to be complete. I was born in the mid eighties to baby-boomer parents. Both my mother and father were raised by devoutly religious parents - my father was in the Lutheran church, I'm fairly sure, but I don't know about my mom - though both dropped their religion sometime during their high school or college years and neither have shown much if any inclination towards it since. Rather, both became very strict atheists later in life, my mother in particular. while my dad may have made a comment every now and then about the irrational nature of organized religion, my mom would often go into diatribes about how useless even personal religion was, or how absurd the concept of God is.
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This was my spiritual diet for most of my early years, and it took hold fairly well. I remember visiting my paternal grandmother once when I was nine or so, and following her to church one Sunday. She said that it was a secret, that my dad didn't want her to bring me along. I was excited for the prospect until a few minutes into the sermon, when it all just became a dull blur to me - I didn't even get to go up to the front of the hall for communion, and I really, really wanted to try the crackers.
+
This was not a positive experience for me, to be sure, and so I wound my way through elementary school proudly calling myself an atheist, after my parents, just as I'm sure many others proudly proclaimed their Christianity or Judaism. It wasn't until middle school, really, that, with the development of my super-ego, I began to even contemplate anything of a spiritual nature. Of course, at that age and with that background, I lacked the vocabulary necessary to flesh out these contemplations, much less to voice them. Needless to say, my developing moral code was at odds with what I had been taught and had practiced up until that point.
+
That's not to say that I had been taught that murder is alright, or that I had been thieving from an early age. More subtle than that, I began to see my actions at the time and before that in elementary school in a new light. I began to see that my actions and words affected those around me, sometimes in profound ways. The most profound by far was when I ran away from my father.
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Hoping to produce another engineer just like himself and my mother (and we see how far that got), he put a very large emphasis on doing well in school, particularly in math and science. In sixth grade, I moved down to live with him instead of my mom, making the hour's drive to stay with her every other weekend in a reversal of the previous schedule. In the first quarter of my seventh grade year, however, when I receieved my first 'F' on a midterm report card, I panicked and left home before he got back from work, leaving a shattered cosmetics mirror on the table along with the report card, took the quarters in the change jar, and rode my bike to the Wal-Mart nearby. It was October. I was eleven.
+
While I shivered and waited for the ideas to come to me behind the dumpsters and A/C units of the Wal-Mart, I reasoned with the screaming of my fledgling conscience. The broken mirror stood for my broken trust in my dad - I did not think that he would not get irrationally angry with me because of my grades. Further, my running away was to be an escape from all of those things and a return to the safety of my own mind and plans. I would ride the bus up to Boulder, where my mom lived, and plan the next step of my escape to safety.
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In reality, the broken mirror and flight from home were both symbolic more of my slowly shattering world-view as center of my own universe than some trust related issue. Or, if they were related to trust, than it was the trust I had previously placed in my own childlike infallibility. This was subconsciously hammered in on that cold night at the bus station and the following several days.
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My mom found me the next morning outside Waldenbooks - she knew me so well - and the rest of the day was filled with tears on everyone's behalf. Hours were spent on the phone with my dad as he went through my room and tried to sort out what had gone wrong in the situation. The answers I gave were half-truths and evasive comments skirting the issues really at hand, and even some outright lies. The problem I had was a conflict in myself and no words to describe it. I fell, of course, to blame, and claimed that my dad spent too much time at the bar with my step-mom (the bartender). This was a legitimate concern to my parents, though I cherished the time alone, so I used it to escape from the consequences of my actions.
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This all led to me moving back in with my mom to complete my public schooling. This helped, perhaps in ways other than intended: not only was my mom a little more free with me than my dad had been, but Boulder was much more constructive to spiritual growth than Lakewood by far. It was the first sgtep in a long and ongoing journey to figure out my place in the world and finding meaning with this life I've found in my possession.
That was a lot of french food. Tartiflette (I made it :3), escargots, haricots avec des amande, gateaux aux amande, beignets, Perrier, Orangina, vichyssoises, pain aux chocolat..
+
Also, we're on CSU's front page for the moment, here for when that gets taken down. They even used one of my pictures :o
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+ Blather again!
+Common ground - Morbid thoughts - The first taste - Limited application - Take it... - ...and run with it
+
+I've always been into science fiction, but this was about the time that I started to get into fantasy as well. If you've talked about books with me at all, you'll know that, despite having read a good many others, a few books in particular start coming back again and again after I've read them. Some noteables being Garth Nix's Abhorsen trilogy, Brian Jacques Redwall series, and C. S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia.
+
+If I were to describe these books as all having the common themes of death, morality, and growth of character, one is not likely to be surprised. However, when all of these common themes begin to expand into other areas of my life, they cease to become just themes and start to become an active interest. These themes began to show in the books I read, the music I'd listen too, the interactions I had, and, most importantly, the silent thoughts I harbored.
+
+I've heard that this stage of life is the time when, for the first time, mortality becomes truly evident and important to the growing mind. If so, then I was left not only with thoughts of mortality, but beyond, and into morbidity. Always affectionate, I would no longer lean on my mother, or hug her for any extended length - if I could feel or hear her heartbeat - I'd refuse to, in most situations. It wasn't that I was particularly 'grossed out' or anything, but more that her mortality was made evident in these situations. While death was a comfortable subject for me in my fantasy worlds at the time, when it related to my mother, I became frightened - particularly at the vividness of my own thoughts. I would start in fearing for her safety, then slip into picturing what I would do if she died, and finally get stuck in a gruesome loop of scenes of gore or emotional trauma resulting from her death.
+
+Here is where the early hopes and dreams would come into conflict with my upbringing: my fears, plainly, were death and the emotions involved; my hopes were that it wouldn't happen, or, should it, it would be okay, because the person would live on in some sort of after life. My spiritual upbringing, on the other hand, left no place for the latter, and, while the former was brought up, it was rarely discussed in depth.
+
+The period in my life with which this coincided was my first discovery of the internet. Though I'm currently nicely addicted to the 'net, I didn't see much potential in it for myself. At the beginning, when my mom's house was still on AOL and my dad's was on Prodigy, I saw it as little more than a library, full of more information than I really needed and far too difficult to search. However, after reading, for the second time, Herman Hesse's Siddhartha, something prompted me to look up Buddhism.
+
+My experience with religion so far had been limited to vague ideas that Christians and Jews were just people with funny ideas and enhanced senses of guilt and punishment. Buddhism was, then, "in my mouth as sweet as honey." (Ezk. 3:3) Here was a religion that really seemed to appeal to me. Contained within it, according to my knowledge, was not only something to do with my free time - meditate - but an assurance of reincarnation - of myself and my loved ones living again. In my mind's eye, I saw myself passing away, only to wake up, refreshed, as if from a bad dream, out of my former life.
+
+That I could sum up Buddhism like that is clear evidence of my limited knowledge. Meditation was simply another way for me to draw attention to myself, however (one doesn't generally meditate in public places, as I did), and I conveniently overlooked the entirety of the rest of the religion. At that stage, Buddhism was a way out of death and into the spotlight for me. I could even be selective about the spotlight: I remember, after having told a friend of mine that I was Buddhist, adding that it was perhaps best if she didn't bring the topic up around my dad, as he "didn't need to know yet."
+
+To be honest, I had based my entire knowledge of Buddhism off Siddhartha and the movie Little Buddha, along with a website or two and any knowledge drawn from my friends. It really wasn't until high-school that I was informed enough to form real opinions for myself about the religion: selectively snagging bits about reincarnation and Zen from random sources is not the way to gain intelligence, much less wisdom.
+
+Having learned more about the religion, I can say that there is indeed a lot about it that I find amazing: their tradition is deep and rich, their stories beautiful, and I agree with a lot of what they have to teach. For instance, the Noble Eightfold Path is, I believe, a very robust and comprehensive way to look at life. I disagree, however, with the 'goal' of that path, of trying to eliminate suffering and escape into or through Nirvana. Rather, I look at it in a different way.
+
+The Noble Eightfold Path is a system of eight elements divided into three groups. In the category of Wisdom, there is right (or ideal) view and right intention; in the category of ethical conduct, there is right speech, right action, and right livelihood; and in the category of mental discipline, there is right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. These are posited as a path leading to the cessation of suffering in life through attainment of Nirvana: the ultimate goal in life of obliterating the need to become again - to be reincarnated. Perhaps due to my prior self-conditioning, I disagree with this, or at least agree in a creative way.
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+To me, suffering is not something that I should escape from or avoid, but rather something that I feel I should embrace. It isn't enough that I learn from my suffering, for that relies too much on hindsight, but that I should incorporate that suffering into myself and cherish every bit of it every bit as much as I cherish pleasure. As a consequence, I think this redefines Nirvana from its previous escapism to a perfect synthesis of every part of life into oneself, sort of like raising life to a whole new level. Buddhism outlines the path to this goal in the eight parts of the noble path. By applying each of those parts to every aspect of lie in every instance, we learn the way towards this synthesis, essentially learning how to work with ourselves in this system.
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+Looking at Nirvana, seeing that change in definition instead of deletion, I feel that the meaning of "to become again" changes also. Whereas before it meant escaping from the cycle of reincarnation, I think that it now becomes an escape from the previous ignorance, from the 'lives' (read: instances of this life) before this one, by becoming something new built off this new synthesis. In this sense, one tastes this sense of Nirvana every time one consciously builds off what they were before. This changes the function of Nirvana from a goal and into a path.
+
+These concepts still only touch on the very basics of such an old tradition as Buddhism, of course, but I feel that they represent the beginnings of an attempt to bring the ideas and foundations of constructive practices into my own life, also standing as an early attempt to consciously grow into a better person.
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+ Zk | Manifesto - III
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Zk | Manifesto - III
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Hot capicola ham, this one's for you. \m/ (Would you read something written by this freak!?) (fixed timestamp)
+Return of the son of blather
+First was the word... - Welcome to Sunny DEATH! - An it harm none... - MEAD and Symbols
+
+With this early focus on reincarnation as an extension of life, it's a wonder that I didn't move into other, more easily digestible spiritualities with a focus on the afterlife (I don't mean to say that Christianity is simple, far from it, but the language and culture barrier between myself and Buddhism is an obstacle), but my next "step" in my spiritual path was a lot more appealing to me than such things as the Trinity, the idea of sin, and the consequent repentance. To have a self guided faith means that things beyond your current development level are a little harder to take in on any intellectual level beyond blind faith.
+
+Buddhism did not, obviously, take a firm hold on me after those early explorations and, as it often does with me, my interest in that specific application waned soon after. It wasn't until a few months later, some time around when high-school was getting near, that I found a new outlet for my spiritual needs. As before, this was brought on by a particularly influential book in my life that I read towards the end of my eighth grade year.
+
+The fantasy genre is rife with magic of various sorts, and it was this, along with the ideas about death that helped me to get into and research earth based religions and paganism in it's various forms. In Garth Nix's Sabriel, these two ideas are melded together to form an engaging view of death as a place accessible by magicians and affected by sounds - something that particularly struck a chord with me, as this is when I first started to get into music. Even to this day, I still fantasize that I'll find a certain pitch or chord that will be particularly powerful over people - this may have been one of my early influences in composition, and has led to my exploration in the uses of the dominant sonority in unexpected or unresolved fashions, since it holds such sway over the western listener.
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+The more I thought about this description of Death as a place - a land of nine stages or 'levels' with the final stage leading to that final resting place of all souls - the less I was drawn to the idea of reincarnation and the more I started to accept death. I don't think that, at this point, I was mature enough to embrace death, or even stop fearing it. I had, however, matured enough to understand the finality of it, and to accept that as a truth in life, even as an every day part of it. When people die, they aren't coming back, not here, or at least not in a recognizable form, going by other traditions. This thought still terrified me, but not to the same extent as before.
+
+The idea of magic, however, did intrigue me, so I wound up, once more, at the bookstore and on the internet looking up 'practical' references to that. This, of course, led me right to paganism, along with other magic- and earth-based spiritualities. Through my friend, co-explorer, and teacher Ryan, I learned more about these traditions than I would have with just the internet, however, and I have several memories of walking with him along ditches or through the 'mini-forest' and having nicely mystical experiences with the rich greenery, meandering streams, and climbing over dead foliage.
+
+I took perhaps less from these religions than from Buddhism, but due to paganism being a less-mainstream religion (and, to be sure, I chose that in part as a sort of 'standard' rebellion from the main-stream religions), I feel that I did gain a broader perspective of what's out there, and a more open mind toward different things. A few things in particular stood out to me: at the beginning of my path through these 'earth-based traditions', I came across the Wiccan Rede which, paraphrased, states "as long as it harms none, do what you will," which I feel is a much more important statement than the Thelemic "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law." The first part of the phrase, "an it harm none," is a very important addition to such a phrase. If I were to keep one idea in my mind at all times, it would likely be that one - even focusing for on not only actions and words, but inaction and silence that cause harm is a very difficult and enlightening exercise. It was, for me, the beginnings of the sense of humility that I strive for and always fall short of (which may be in the definition of humility, granted).
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+My interest in magic hasn't waned, but it has changed a great deal over the years. Magic is, I believe, a whole lot more subtle than I believed when I first got myself into a more serious study of it. Perhaps it's the cynic in me, or the scientist inherited from my parents, but I don't think that the magic I thought of originally (think the movie The Craft) exists, or ever has in the Common Era except as some sort of technological wizardry (think the movie The Gods Must be Crazy!). Instead, the magic I think of is summed up in the acronym MEAD: Magic is Empowerment by Attention to Detail. Just think: were I to relax a certain few muscles in order to let blood flow from one place to another, half an hour of friction could lead to a new life being brought into the world. If I were to concentrate on the correct sequence of movements, I could certainly execute a cartwheel. Magic is the background of all that is around us, and it's that attention to detail that can make things seem magical, or at least not 'everyday'.
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+This is echoed in Richard Muller's The Sins of Jesus, in which Joseph explains to a young Jesus that it's not that there are no miracles anymore, but the miracles are all around, they just seem every day, such as children. I think this is an echoing of Jesus' own words, "Wicked is the generation that looks for signs." This is most of the concept behind Muller's book, and is certainly pertinent in my life, but will have to wait until the exploration of Judeo-Christian spirituality, the study of which encompasses more of my life than the rest of these minor vignettes, and, thus, draws on them, and will have to wait for its own section.
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+One final thing that I got out of paganism was the importance of symbols. Sigil magic was something that I toyed around with briefly, and I believe that the subconscious is an important tool to work with in this sense. Using active symbols such as sigils, or even Tarot or runes, is a powerful form of introspection. More subtly, however, passive symbols play an important part in a sociological sense: a cross - say the hematite crucifix pendant that I own - will not likely stop a bullet, draw lightning down to me, or enable me to walk on water, but it will influence the ideas of those around me, change their perceptions of who I am. The Christians my speak more openly to me about their faith or, as I've had happen, will speak as if I know everything about their faith that they do; while skeptics may look down on that aspect of me and question why I would wear it. Likewise, if I were to wear my flaming chalice pendant, a symbol unknown to a good portion of society, I'm likely to invite questions - I could even be accused of baiting the topic, of which I know I'm guilty. Honestly, I think that's the purpose behind most jewelry, which is why I will only wear a piece if I'm prepared to explain it. Then again, perhaps I'm putting too much meaning into an inanimate object, of which I'm also quite guilty.
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Your package finally came! Thank you so much! Otters! And Chocolate! *flail
But first, today. Nothing terribly remarkable happened today, except more 'reminders of parenthood'. I've gotten four of those so far: the song "When David Heard" by Eric Whitacre' "In the Gloaming" by.. um.. dunno, have to get the story from Missdoo; Mr. Revier's Talk on Columbine and some of the stuff that went with it; and Laocöon and his sons in Latin. The last two occured today, and I left in the middle of both. I can understand my feelings in response to these events, and how they're making me sympathize, even empathize with a parent's position in relation to their child, but what I can't understand is that this is being hammered in through the same situation in all cases: the child dying before the parent, and how the parent deals with it. Perhaps it's a sigul, though I'm still pretty sure I don't want kids. Maybe it has something to do with my urge to become a teacher.
+
Also, I woke up at 5 feeling outright hyper. Still not sleepy. Got two pieces of music in the mail today (Barber's Agnus Dei, and Whitacre's When David Heard), and borrowed a CD from Revier. Randominity follows.
+Randominity
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First line free write: 2nd person
+You have come, finally, to a safe place. You have arrived at the point where it counts most, the point at which Life itself seems to fall away, leaving behind nothing of it's former shell: that blackened husk of body and mind that housed a bright bright star. Years and years, it took, places and places and each day offering good and bad, but you, lucky you, saw past that, saw beyond the grid of your perception to see inside others, touching and caressing the bright points of light that were essentially them, cherishing each for not only their good points, but for their faults as well. The energy flowed around and through you in the concentric spirals of [1st symbol] and the Bat Qol kept you clean and pure with the voice of God and the Buddha in me to the Buddha in you weaved everything under the sun into Life itself. This is Rapture.
Finally got Semagic again, so I don't do stupid shit like I did with the last post. Hopefully I remember to use it. Don't remember why I got rid of it last time.. I hope to finish this fairly soon, what with thanksgiving break - I feel that if I don't keep writing in large chunks like this, I'll lose interest. Must finish. I'm also toying with the idea of publishing, even if it's self-publishing, but I don't know that I'll be able to fill much space. If anyone's interested in writing something similar and going in for a published collection of spiritual manifesti or life stories in this mingled style, or if you just think this is a very, very bad idea (I promise I'll edit heavily), let me know. By the way, I'm disabling comments on these so that I have a chance to reply in a more constructive fashion should anyone have anything to say to them, not to discourage comments.
+Drivvel - A modern retelling of Blather (looooong)
+Other aspects of being - The terror of individuality - The spirituality of fiction - The beginnings of true creativity
+
+There's a long space of time after my initial intense exploration of paganism which is filled with a nebulous sense of spiritual growth not connected to any particular spiritual set. I attribute this to a general "opening of the mind" from the gaining of more concrete intelligence. My interests started to shift from their previous areas of simple pleasures of reading, playing outside, making slings out of kite string and the toes of socks into subtler, more complicated pleasures of the more in-depth learning of high-school. This is not to say that I enjoyed school - I considered dropping out at several points - but I did enjoy the act of gaining more knowledge, and in such diverse subjects. This, for me, was the beginning of learning to think within concrete systems, an idea that I'll certainly come back to later. These were, at first, the more obvious systems of grammars (I began in Latin my sophomore year, and began constructing my own language shortly afterward), history (learning to think and analyze historical data is something I attribute to my one history teacher in high-school, Dr. Carter), and biology (microbiology and biochemistry in particular - the latter was even my original major in college), not to mention music, which is a topic unto itself.
+
+Such intellectual things were not the only changes going on during my life. From the end of eighth grade and into ninth, a few other changes, both subtle and dramatic, took place. Though I'd suspected for quite a while, my initial feelings of sexuality crystallized into a definitive sense of something out of the ordinary. Beginning as trouble understanding the idea of what was "attractive," I eventually settled on the label of homosexuality for what I felt, coming out to my mom sometime soon after middle school had ended. This also coincided with my growing infatuation with the internet, something which has, at points, gotten way out of hand. At one point, I was the moderator of an online forum on GovTeen.net with my then-boyfriend Danny, another teenager with similar interests living in New York.
+
+At the same time, my mom and step-dad's marriage started to turn sour for various reasons. While my mom had taken my coming-out fairly well, my step-dad did not; at points during this continuing strife which lasted part-way into my freshman year, he forced me to come out to his children in a rather embarrassing fashion (he told my step-sister, and made my mom force me to come out to my step-brother), checked my email and found emailed replies from the forum I moderated including some very revealing information (the forum was one of many in a group entitled Puberty-101 - this should explain a good deal about the content), all while refusing to talk to me directly about such things. I harbored an intense dislike for him at this phase and I don't feel that I fully forgave him for all of what happened until much later in my life when I started to incorporate it into myself. Thus, I was very willing to let my mom use my orientation as the reason for breaking off the marriage, though that was only a small portion of the myriad of reasons for divorce. In honesty, I believe this was as high on my list of influences in my life as my previous flight from home, perhaps due to the similarities in how the situation turned out.
+
+The divorce was finalized and we - my mom and I - were planning on moving out to a townhouse very close to my high-school in the next few days, and until then, my mom was sleeping on the couch in the family room with her two dogs Helen and Hank. My step-dad, perhaps with a belated riposte, came down the stairs to talk to her when, Helen, being out of control in the best of times, began barking and ran up, jumped on him, and, in short, punched him in the crotch with her paw. Humorous in hindsight, the event led to my mom and I having to move out of the house by that evening, while we were both only partially packed at the time. This was halfway through the first semester of my freshman year at Fairview and at the time, it was quite traumatic, particularly with it being a Sunday, meaning that I had to go to school the next day after this frenetic move.
+
+While a good portion of this was going on, my wanderings of the internet led me into the furry fandom, a broad community of folk interested in anthropomorphic animals in various ways and to various levels. Generally an open-minded bunch, if a little dramatic, I fell right in with the ranks. I fit in quite well, being a young, gay male, and a good deal of my closest friends were made through this community, or, as in the case of Ryan, introduced to it. However, seeing as the majority of furs that I knew who were interested in anything spiritual, were interested in Native American or Asian mythology, both of which are rife with anthropomorphism, and the majority of furs in general were at least agnostic, if not militantly atheistic (I saw this echoed more clearly in the gay community later on, but that's later on), I kept my spiritual explorations separate from this aspect of myself, keeping all of my associations with other furs on a lighter level, and only letting loose on certain occasions, such as the move mentioned above.
+
+This habit was likely built up out of a sort of spiritual downtime. That's not to say that my sense of spiritual self had waned, but rather that it had become tangible instead of based in words and ideas. One of the most unique experiences to come from this shift was the sense of individuality and how terrifying that can be. This was coupled with a budding sense of appreciation for humility, despite being a near-physical sensation for me. It began as a sense of how small I was in the grand scheme of things, which was made particularly evident to me by both mountains and clouds. Boulder, where I lived is right at the base of the Rocky Mountains and I grew up with those looming over me every day of my life. When my mom started to take me on hikes with her in Rocky Mountain National Park, though, I began to realize just how big the mountains were - and not just the mountains, but the entire world - compared to myself, and when I brought the entirety of the rest of space off earth into account, I was terrified at just how minuscule I was in comparison to everything else out there. This was emphasized whenever I'd look up at a partially cloudy day and see all the folds and corrugations in the clouds above, knowing that even they were likely larger than my entire high-school - a building large enough to house its 2,200 students and 200 faculty and staff in ten 'levels'.
+
+It was a struggle for me to embrace this idea, and I would comfort myself with other near-physical mental wanderings, such as stretching out in bed during a windy night and imagining that the wind was my body - feeling myself flow in chaotic eddies over mountains and plains, buildings and open spaces. In a sense, not only was I making myself bigger, but I was trying to escape the confines of my body's limited range of motion, imagining the way that the wind is less of an object as a verb, as the air is not the wind, but rather the flow of air. Later in life, I'd discern this as a shallow form of a Kabbalistic exercise, a sort of synaesthetic experiences of Matt-ing. The beginning, as is said, of wisdom is awe.
+
+One of the things that I would do when wind-ing would be to attempt to feel the others around me as a sort of empathy. A selfish empathy, of course: rather than actually attempting to feel for those around me, it'd be more accurate to say that I was feeling my interpretation of those around me rather than them as individuals. Individuality and uniqueness of perception was a concept that I'd struggled with often up until that point, and even continue to struggle with today. Seeing others as completely separate entities rather than projections from within myself is one of those tasks that sounds much simpler than it really is. Our day-to-day lives are lived from within ourselves, in a world where self and other are distinct, and interconnectedness is achieved only on the fragile and shallow level of our tacit agreement that everyone else is just a projection of ourselves onto animate objects. To actually live your life in a continuous sense of seeing others as true individuals with their own unique perspectives - both physical and interpreted - seems to me as having the paradoxical effect of creating a deeper sort of interconnectedness born out of true dialog between two separate beings instead of, as E. E. Cummings put it, "all talking's talking to onesself."
+
+These were my thoughts at that time in my life, and my spirituality was the spirituality of fiction. In fiction, there are often deeper dialogs that ever happen in person due to the writer attempting to create characters outside of him or herself. This, combined with the fact that one of the goals of fiction is to provide a vehicle for ideas, no matter how fantastic, lead me into this incorporation of ideas from fiction into my own spirituality. The books I started reading began to have a more overt spiritual bend to them, and the ideas became more and more influential on some level or another throughout. The most readily apparent of these are Dan Simmons' novels, all of which contain some sort of spiritual or at least deeply intellectual basis. The Hyperion Cantos, in particular, proved to be an eloquent example of the importance of individuality, not only while one was still living, but after one died. Through the esoteric idea of The Void Which Binds, Simmons' offers a glimpse of what happens after death back on Earth (or 'back in Life' may be more appropriate in this sense); more specifically, the importance of the memories of the dead cherished by the living. This fit in nicely with my solidifying stance on death. We don't know what happens after, but we can be proactive about the subject while we're here, cherishing the lives and keeping alive the memories of those who have passed, incorporating their gifts to us all while moving forward in our own lives - that is, not getting caught up in the past and what can't be changed.
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+This burgeoning habit of looking deeper into creative works was likely one of the early influences into my own real creativity. I say real because, while I'd been creative in the past, it was always in the sense of following - singing in choir, playing in band, writing for class. Now, however, I began to apply that creativity into more of a leadership role, as in writing outside of class or composing my own music. In this, I was leaderless and totally without a teacher, which certainly shows in my writings and music from the time, of which little remains, Needless to say, I was all over the map in terms of style and application, and I don't think that any of it shows any sense of my personality. However, it was creativity and I was doing something positive, something which might last. What I lacked at the time wasn't just a teacher or solidified direction in my creations, but the appreciation of such - I didn't want a teacher, didn't think I needed one, something that would take a good deal more humility and a few really good teachers to appreciate, which didn't arrive until college.
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+I wonder if my continued attempts at creativity are a stab at immortality in the minds of others, just as Beethoven and Bach are immortal, and that, in turn, makes me wonder how to interpret that goal: is it selfish to want to live on and be remembered? It feels deep down inside that it is, after a fashion, but on a more intellectual level, it seems absurd not to want to do anything constructive, not to leave some lasting impression on the earth, with the time we're given. My thoughts and feelings on this and on music, however, are worth a chapter in their own right.
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+ Tee hee.
+Tee hee
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+As a brief vignette, humor has always been important to me. It struck me, sometime in high-school, that there wasn't any 'real' humor in religion, though. There are plenty of edgy comedians that make fun of it and jokes abound, sure, but within each religion, there's very little to be had in the way of direct humor. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule: Unitarian-Universalists do tend to have a bit of a self-deprecating sense of humor (most of their jokes involve their reliance on committees, coffee pots, or copy machines), and I've seen some really subtle humor in traditional Jewish teachings. Rarely, however, are religions outright humorous.
+
+Well, except those that are.
+
+One of my friends on the internet - a furry, of course - introduced me to Discordianism sometime around late freshman year, and I thought that I had finally found a religion I could take seriously. Discordians have a creation myth, a curse to lay on others, a system to live by, apostles, and even a church sanctioned game. The catch, of course, is that none of this is intended to be taken seriously. Basing their deity on the minor goddess of Grecco-Roman mythology, Eris, the goddess of chaos, the Discordians have built up either one of the more elaborate jokes or one of the least elaborate religions in the modern era. Despite being popularized through not only their holy book, The Principia Discordia - or How I Found Goddess and What I Did to Her When I Found Her, but also the writings of Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea in the books of the Illuminatus! Trilogy, the number of serious Discordians is still quite small, and despite that, the church is very fractured, what with every member being a Pope and several of them running their own Cabals. So it was, with humor as a major factor in the religion, I declared myself a Discordian Episkopos and leader of my own 'Qabal', the Qabal of Ranna I.
+
+Despite the fact that the majority of the religion is a joke, I did take several things from Discordianism worth mentioning. As mentioned, the deity in question, Eris, is the goddess of Chaos, and the Discordians do take their Chaos seriously, or as seriously as a Discordian takes anything. While most of that is for comedic purposes, there are good points about chaos that need to be brought up when talking about religion and spirituality. Several of these valid points stem from the Discordian's argument that most religions point to all the order in the world and proclaim it the work of some Deity or another, handily ignoring all the chaos inherent in nature. After reading the Principia as well as a few pertinent science fiction books and actively spending a while pondering Chaos in the world, not only am I inclined to agree, but I find that I'm more inclined toward that chaos than toward the order. That is not to say that order has no place: "To choose order over disorder, or disorder over order," the Principia states, "is to accept a trip composed of both the creative and the destructive. But to choose the creative over the destructive is an all-creative trip composed of both order and disorder. To accomplish this, one need only accept creative disorder along with, and equal to creative order, and also be willing to reject destructive order as an undesirable equal to destructive disorder." A fine point, I believe, and something I have integrated as an active principle in my life.
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+The Church of the Subgenius is Discordianism taken several steps further. What was at first humorous is now intentionally absurd, and where once was disorder is now active strife. The Book of the Subgenius is filled with clip-art, a veritable collage of propaganda posters, diagrams, nonsensical text, and repetitive references to their deity/prophet/ruler J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. Their rituals seem to consist of getting drunk and holding devivals, and possibly some waxing poetic about meteors bouncing around inside the Earth. I took nothing from the Subgenii, excepting perhaps a but of skepticism - their humor is simply over my head.
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+During my senior year in high-school, several friends and I, all interested in the more esoteric and unique traditions began to get together to discuss such traditions from serious to humorous (they had all heard of and participated in Discordianism), and, at one point, even became a school-sanctioned group, though we were only just barely tolerated - Prayer at the Pole, on the other hand, was, of course, embraced wholly, which certainly got on our nerves at the time. Once we started advertising, we did hold a few successful true meetings, the most memorable of which involved the various methods of divination in use around the world, or at least those allowable indoors. While Dan spun in circles until he fell down - his landing would determine the answer to a question - Toren read tarot, and I conducted crude numerological explorations with a book by Aleister Crowley. Mostly, however, we would just laugh a lot and talk about various odd things about this religion or that cult. I would post 'propaganda posters' consisting of images and phrases from the Principia Discordia and my own contrivance, stamp any poster I saw in the hall with a self-inking stamp which read "APOTHEOSIS APPROVED" (for which I got in trouble), and even hand out Pope cards. This was my attempt at adding creative chaos to an otherwise dreary school atmosphere: the prime example of order both constructive and destructive in the world.
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Found my old binder of artlang stuff, figured I'd post a random snippet of poetry.
+Image, random garbage
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+Fetah
+Loråtla fetah.
+Anåt fetah.
+Nu kufemotla fetah.
+Nu haleputatla fetah
+Nu haledatåtla fetah.
+Nu halesupotla fetah.
+Nu tuvårier fetah lubåtlam t'ner.
+Nu kufori set fetah.
+Nu mununier fetah esunotalam.
+Nu jaruvåtier fetah unotalam -
+Ato harahier t'n houka anåtalam.
+Mununier fetah houkalam,
+Konemier t'n houkalam,
+Horanemier t'n houkalam,
+Hatarier t'n houkalam.
+Nuka jodoti fetah.
+
+-- Ani Eskorinthev Anses
+
+Love
+Love is patient.
+Love is kind.
+Love is not jealous.
+Love is not boastful.
+Love is not arrogant.
+Love is not rude.
+Love is not insistent.
+Love is not irritable.
+Love is not resentful
+Love does not rejoice in wrong,
+but rejoices in the right.
+Love bears all things,
+It believes all things,
+It hopes all things,
+It endures all things.
+Love never ends.
+
+-- First Corinthians Thirteen (I wrote it out for some reason)
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When one finds oneself in possession of Photoshop, one must do the obvious.
+Read more...
+
QOTD:
+Eliahn yips, "You know, after studying both mathematics AND Latin, I should be able to practice magic and summon demons."
+
Anyway, since this is all turning out to be vaguely chronological, one would think that I could've easily started out with some sort of outline. It'd be easy to make, and it'd keep me on track. Of course, took me five.. installments to finally come up with some vague direction for this. Oh well. Here goes six of about eighteen.
+Wherein Matt is enlightened after laying down for three hours.
+Sent away to learn - Who’ll be a witness?- Two texts, one word – The difference between you and me – Ecstatic meditations.
+
+In this country, and in this day and age, it’s nearly impossible to go without experiencing some form of Christianity. As was mentioned earlier, I did attend a church service at an early age and I remember my maternal grandmother showing me a cartoon about Jesus’ life, but, again, at the time, it meant little, if anything to me at the time. I was simply too young to incorporate those ideas into my life without any prior knowledge or expertise. Even into high school, my ideas on Christianity were limited to a vague sense of a few of the core ideas of the religion: only what my limited knowledge could offer.
+
+My parents’ opinions on religion in general were mostly informed by their experiences with Christianity while growing up, and, as such, my sources for such knowledge were limited by my parents’ opinions. That is, until one summer at the away-from-home camp I went to.
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+My dad had been sent to something similar as a child: run by the YMCA, such camps were usually secluded up in the mountains or by some lake or another, providing a chance for kids to learn in a more natural context. He enjoyed the experiences so much that he wound up being a councilor at his camp, and decided to send me to one when I was old enough. I wound up at Camp Shady Brook, west of Salida, Colorado, first for one week then for two weeks at a time, running amok in the valley in which this camp was situated. There were the standards of archery and target practice with .22 rifles, swimming and canoeing in the pond, playing kickball, and massive, camp-wide games of capture the flag (the valley setup allowed a girls slope and a boys slope, and this, I remember being informed, was a precious opportunity to see the girl’s side). What I remember most, however, was talking with my councilor and my cabin-mates. It was, I believe, my second year there when I received a bible as a gift from my councilor.
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+Though I’m sure it was a form of witnessing, it was too subtle for my mind. I took the book thinking it might be a fun read and would make me into a good person because of it. I thought little of the societal implications of Christianity at the time, much less the religious factor of it, and I was consequently disappointed when I found it so difficult to read and get through the KJV’s wording.
+
+Having put the bible down and peeked at it only to verify one or two quotes that I’d heard over the years, I thought of it rarely, at one point having had to take it back from my step-mom after forgetting that she had borrowed it. It was my budding sexuality that eventually brought it into relevance again, and I struggled to read it once or twice in middle and early high school with no luck, basing my knowledge instead on commentaries on relevant verses I found on the internet.
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+The ideas that I knew were contained in this very difficult to read piece of literature did seem worthy of investigation. ‘Love thy neighbor’ is almost cliché in this society, but the first time I heard “love your enemy as you love your neighbor,” I felt that there might be some portions of this book worth reading. It wasn’t the bible, however, that was to solidify this for me.
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+Sometime in my junior or senior year of high school, I came across a book called The Sins of Jesus by Richard Muller somewhere online. I’m not sure who recommended it to me or where I saw it, but the idea intrigued me: after my recent disillusionment with the concept of magic in paganism, I felt that a view of Jesus without the added baggage of miracles would be an interesting way to learn more about the religion; the fact that the book was a novel just made it all the more appealing to me, even if I did feel the need to put a blank cover on it to keep from offending others while reading it in public.
+
+“Had I read this book as a teenager, I might not have become an atheist,” reads a blurb on the front of the book, and I have to admit, I found it nearly as powerful. As soon as I finished the – admittedly rather short – book, I read it straight through a second time. Many of the precepts of Christianity are crystallized in this telling of the life of Jesus, and to see them in a plain, readable (for me, at least) form proved quite compelling and made me reevaluate my view not only of the religion of Christianity, but my view of my own individual spirituality. How would it feel to love my enemy as I loved my neighbor? What would it mean to have this concept of God be nearer to a caring father figure than an overarching deity that cared more about following rules than human interaction? Wasn’t human interaction one of the most important things to humans?
+
+All this called into doubt what I had seen of the more fundamentalist Christians that I had seen on TV and heard about through my friends. To put it loosely, were they preaching from the same gospel? This required some deeper investigation, which meant doing some research from the more quoted of sources.
+
+In my search for a more direct answer, I went straight for the New Testament in my bible, using the internet as an alternate resource for when the text became too bulky for me to digest. What I found wasn’t something radically different as I had supposed, but something much more vague than I had expected. Herein was my first real experience with the vagueness of text – while my mom had often explained horoscopes away as simple vagueness, I had never seen it in a true religious sense like this.
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+What I was seeing was two different interpretations of one text in active use. On one side was the supposed eternal love of Christ and the Father in heaven, and on the other was spelled out damnation in the words of an angry God. Two things lead to this disparity and, in my case, made it worse. Firstly, I had not, at that point, read the Old Testament, nor had I finished more than the apostolic books of the New Testament, so I was without the harsher tradition of the Tanakh, as well as the stricter words put forth in the Pauline epistles and later books in the newer tradition. Secondly, I lacked the faith-driven background that most of these fundamentalists and true Christians had lived through. Not only was I brought up to use the healthy sense of skepticism that I had been given and had developed with my forays into other, smaller religions, but I was lacking the foundation of knowledge that these people had.
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+Of course, the largest difference between most of those people and myself was likely one of sexual orientation. I was reading the bible from the careful, wary standpoint of a young gay man eager to avoid conflict, while those around me were reading it from the standpoint of those who have always been taught that homosexuality is wrong by their society, their religion, and individuals in their lives. In my view, at that time, they were picking and choosing verses to justify their actions, whereas in their view, I was committing – make that living a sin that is strictly defined in several places in the entire bible, described as everything from ‘detestable’ to worthy of the death penalty. At this point in my life, this was too large of a portion of myself for me to keep at any sort of serious study of the bible or Christianity, and the phase quickly tapered out, leaving me with a greater sense of the religion derived from a novelized telling of Jesus’ life than from the bible itself.
+
+Now that I was getting to be more experienced in this, I made sure not to just garner all this information without taking some of it into myself. One situation of note sticks out in particular. I had fallen madly in love with a friend of mine, Andrew, and, after our fair share of tribulations, we wound up in a relationship. However, a year or two into the relationship, we parted briefly for several reasons, and Andrew wound up with another person – a mutual friend of ours. One evening, feeling sorry for myself and rather sour all around, I went to bed early and lay, thinking, for several hours.
+
+I really did wish the best for Andrew, though I was torn between that and jealousy, which made my feelings for our mutual friend all the more confusing. On one hand, he was my friend, but on the other, he’d taken something dear to me for himself, making obvious all of the ways I had screwed up in my relationship leading up to that point. I felt that I should have been thankful to him for that in a grudging sort of way because perhaps I was now a better person, but, to put it bluntly, I felt more that he was my enemy.
+
+Remembering that silly phrase that I had heard, “love your enemies as you would love your neighbor,” I felt that it was worth a go, if only for not feeling so terrible for a while. I tried several approaches to this problem. Thinking of all of the redeeming factors of this person worked only on a very shallow level, as did just plain force. Removing Andrew from the equation helped a little, but after a while, I felt more like I was ignoring the problem than working towards a solution. It wasn’t until I removed myself from the equation that things started to work out. At first, I took a step back from the problem and attempted to see from the perspective of the others involved, which, as stated before, worked only somewhat well, as I was seeing what I interpreted to be their perspective, rather than their true perspective. After this, I attempted to draw the situation with myself as an observer, before finally stepping back from the whole thing and doing my level best to take in the logic and emotion bound up in this situation.
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+What I saw wasn’t some case of enemies and new loves, but was an instance of three people interacting with each other on a deeply emotional level. While I do not know all of what happened between Andrew and this friend of ours, much less what thoughts were going through their heads, seeing the situation laid bare helped me to understand the intricacies of what was going on along with the intense and, cliché as it sounds, beautiful interactions between three intense and beautiful individuals.
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+This was just a vague taste of what I think was meant by loving one’s enemies, and, finding such elation after being wrapped up in such drama, I slipped quickly out of this mode of thinking, though the ideas behind it stayed with me; it was only a brief glimpse of a deeper understanding. I leapt up from bed and got online as quickly as I could to tell this mutual friend that I understood and that I loved him “as a brother,” and that I had (jokingly) “reached enlightenment, and all it took was three hours in bed.”
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+Things eventually worked out well, I think, though tendrils of the situation lasted long past when I expected them to, several years later. Some sense of that original emotion stuck with me, and I felt that, at last, I finally knew what might be the driving force behind the origins of religion, that I knew what people meant by a mystical experience, and that this ecstasy would indeed serve as an excellent starting-point for wanting to join a religion. With the sour taste still in my mouth from finding the difference in interpretation within Christianity, I abandoned that thread and continued to look within myself, searching for the reason and method behind that moment.
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+ Zk | Manifesto - VII
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Zk | Manifesto - VII
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10,306 words so far. If it were a novel, maybe I could do NaNoWriMo :o)
+This one's boring.
+Four years passed – Five Pillars – The Gays versus the Preachers – Changes mean new beginnings
+
+High school did not pass in a flash, even in hindsight. It wound laboriously through the weeks and months, most of the time, and I remember long stretches of dull times throughout my four years there. That’s not to say that times were all bad, of course. I made some incredible friends, did some incredibly stupid stuff, and just generally grew up a whole lot in the time I spent there.
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+I had gained a new appreciation of music through my experiences in choir under two tried and true directors, and had considered that as a field I might want to pursue later in life. However, I also grew to appreciate biology after taking a few advanced courses in the subject, gaining an interest in the areas of biochemistry and molecular biology. Thus it was that I applied to Colorado State University.
+
+
+My reasons for applying to CSU as opposed to the more local CU were myriad. Foremost, during the application period, I was still together with Andrew, and he was planning on going to CSU as well, at the time. There were more pertinent reasons, however: according to my mom, who graduated from CU, the Fort Collins’ university’s methods were more geared toward practical applications while the Boulder university generally favored more theoretical study. This, I felt, was key in the area of biochemistry, my first major. Also important, I felt that moving away from my hometown – far enough to put some distance between my parents and I but near enough to make visiting easy – would be a good idea in order to facilitate independence.
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+All in all, with such a large move, I was left with a rather large change in my life. I found myself with a few of my classmates from high school in a different town, inundated with freedom. Now was obviously the time for experimentation beyond what I had been able to do at home. I began, at first, with classes. Besides the obvious biology, chemistry, and core classes I was taking, I added in The History of Islam to the 1500s.
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+During my classes in history in high school, Islam had been my favorite subject. Perhaps it was because it was the only sanctioned bit of religion we were allowed to be taught, with most other material sanitized of such content. My teacher at the time, Dr. Carter, did an excellent job of providing an historic overview along with a good description of the tenets of Islam, and my close friend, Jerred, a Malaysian Muslim, supplemented this information.
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+Getting to take an in-depth class on the subject felt like a privilege to me, and getting to learn from such a professor as Dr. Lindsey was an honor. The structure of the class, being basically historical, worked to our advantage, adding information to the basic understanding of the religion in chronological order as we learned about the events behind such changes.
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+In Islam, I saw a sort of purity and a fairly well defined system of faith with some clearly explained goals, along with a sense of brotherhood that I hadn’t really experienced or seen through any other systems. Alas, though I felt at first that I really connected with the religion, I ran into much the same problem that I did with Christianity – namely the discrepancy between what I learned from people and what I actually read in the Qur’an, and I wound up dropping the interest fairly soon, looking into it only at a much later date and from a much different perspective.
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+Meanwhile, I branched out in other areas of my life due to the freedom I had gained. With a campus of several thousand people, despite the university’s more conservative reputation, it was no surprise that there was a student group for gay students. The GLBT Student Services office quickly became a regular haunt for me, and I began to meet up with other gay people close to my age on campus, working into a group of friends and possible dating pool more so than I had done in Boulder. It was from this group of friends that I first strongly felt the aversion many gay people have toward religion, Christianity in particular.
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+With such a large area of campus devoted to free speech, the Plaza outside the student center was regularly visited by ‘street preachers,’ men whose full-time job it was to travel the nation and witness to large groups of students at a time. They would stand or sit out in one place with a ring of students gathered around them answering questions, preaching gospel, and shouting themselves hoarse. Generally the types of fundamentalists I would see on TV, they were usually fairly harsh on students, accusing everyone of engaging in irresponsible drinking, premarital sex, and vague gender-roles. Men in pink shirts would get shouted at for not being masculine, and public displays of affection were cause for rude noises.
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+Many of the people in the GLBTSS office pounced on the opportunity to start an argument with these preachers and often, whole groups of gay people would band together against the lone Christian in a shouting match over the ethics of homosexuality or the legitimacy of the bible in today’s society. Both sides would hurl logical fallacies at each other and both would leave frustrated. I didn’t actually work up the courage to talk to one of the preachers until a few years later, but I would always go and watch whenever these squabbles would happen, curious as to the lack of civil discourse.
+My own beliefs came into play more toward the end of my first semester of such freedom. By now, I had gone to the nearby Bible Superstore to pick up a different translation of the bible, one that would be easier to read, and started picking at it now and then. At the same time I got a little into Tarot cards and explored the system behind them, though that exploration didn’t last too long due to what I felt to be a rather large amount of information to memorize. Deep inside, though, things were certainly getting riled up: something about my current major did not agree with me.
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+It wasn’t just that I wasn’t doing well in my classes (a test that I felt that I had done well on would turn out to be a 30% score), but something didn’t feel right about the subject I was studying. I found, as I still do, the information absolutely fascinating and extremely pertinent in today’s world, but I felt that I wasn’t the one who should be working on it. For me the path seemed the incorrect one, like I was doing something that I knew I shouldn’t by studying in a field so close to other people’s physical bodies, something which I felt should not be my area of expertise.
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+After one semester, I changed my major to music, seeking music education. With my emphasis on the internal aspects of humanity, I thought that this was a better fit for me. The education portion of my degree would not only be more marketable than just music, but now I would be dealing with kids (my aim was to teach high school), something else that was important to me. My one big regret of being gay was that I wouldn’t likely have any children of my own.
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+This feeling of ‘correct fit’ when it came to my choice of major along with the direction my life was headed was the trailhead for the path of mysticism and religious study that would follow. Though that first year was vague in terms of beliefs and traditions, I feel that it was the beginning of a solidifying phase. My method of study – rather than my actual religion, of course – was gelling into a means of exploring traditions, religions, and spiritualities that was constructive for me, leading to the beginnings of my concept of synthesis which would become so important later on. I was a preschooler in learning how to learn.
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Came across a passage in a book I'm reading that nicely summarizes that experience I had. Some background first: Kabbalistic tradition teaches that the soul has five dimensions or levels, and that three of these five are close enough to the Divine that the are inherently pure, no matter what - there's no way to make them impure.
+
The Jewish morning prayers include a sentence that says, "My God, the soul (neshama*) you placed within me, she is pure." One can meditate upon this idea to develop self-esteem and to deepen one's sense of interconnectedness with all beings. It is a simple exercise.
+
+Imagine you have a pure light shining within. If you close your eyes, you can get a hint of this light glowing deep inside your being. Then say to yourself, No matter what I may feel about myself, I know that I have a pure soul. When we contemplate this affirmation for a while, we begin to feel a spark of inner peace.
+
+The next step in this practice is to gently acknowledge that every person we encounter has a pure soul. Every time we see someone, we say quietly to ourselves, There is a pure soul; there is another pure soul. Notice that the person could be sweet and amenable, or could have an abrasive personality. IT does not matter. The soul of every being is pure. If we continue this practice for everyone we meet, including those in whose presence we have negative feelings, the ways we relate to ourselves and to others will be dramatically affected. As simple as it may seem, this exercise opens our hearts.
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+-- Rabbi David Cooper, God is a Verb, p. 106
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The experience I had with 'feeling enlightened' was a brief taste of this (neshama) I think, which came without form or practice (such as, say, this meditation), and thus came as rather a surprise to me.
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+* Neshama is the middle level of the soul and the 'lowest' or 'closest' level that remains pure. In order from 'closest to the self' to 'closest to the divine', the levels of the soul are nefesh or physicality, ruach or emotional awareness, neshama or worthiness of character, chayah or awareness of unity, and yedidah or connection with the Divine. To give the rudest of summaries, one's soul begins in nefesh and, with maturation, is crowned by ruach. Neshama is experienced or gained through proper application and nurturing of the previous two levels (i.e.: healthy living and conscious action). Chayah is the realm of awareness of unity and enlightenment (not as what I experienced) as merging with God, and yedidah is our ultimate link with Ein Sof. This is an incredibly basic summary, and I'm hardly qualified to give it. I'm a third of the way done with one book on it :o
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+ Zk | Manifesto - VIII
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Publishing's a bunch of crap, and is made of ass and poo. Mulled wine makes things better. I'm still interested in hearing all of your stories about this same sort of stuff, though, so.. uh.. I encourage you to post them, too, and maybe something will happen from there. Now's your chance to be selfish and show the world how your path is the one true path. For you :3
+
This chapter was hard to write. Hard to remember all that stuff. There will be another explaining more later on.
+Music I
+Early musicianship – The subtleties in the art – A major in two halves – Counterfeits sell – Another change
+
+Some of my earliest memories are of listening to the music of my parents, making mix-tapes (I grew up in the 80’s, you see), and hearing new songs on the radio. Seeing my interest in the music around me, my parents agreed to put me in lessons for an instrument, and, from about age six through about fifth grade, I played the alto saxophone, all while maintaining interests in other instruments such as drums and keyboard.
+
+Music was, essentially, the closest thing I had to a ‘religion’ for a long time. I put religion in quotes because I do not mean that I had mystical experiences while playing the sax or that I believed strongly in any one particular thing about music (at that time), but that music was the thing that was constant in my life: lessons were church, recitals were special occasions to get dressed up for, and it was something that I had to think about in my daily life.
+
+It’s of little surprise, then, when I say that my interest in music continued throughout my life. After all, it began as a habit and stayed with me as one for a long time before I started to actually think about it in any sort of depth. It used to be that I would listen to music on repeat while doing homework, thinking I’d just have noise in the background, but I’d often find that I’d wind up anticipating what song was coming up next and trying to tie the whole of the album or tape together into a story.
+
+Music meant little to me in middle school, and I picked up the oboe then more as a way to attract attention to myself as the one that played that weird instrument that sounded more like a duck than a woodwind. High school, on the other hand, was the defining time for me, more by chance than anything else. I first signed up for classes so that I had seven periods of class and one off period in the middle of the day for lunch. On my third day at school, however, while eating lunch in the hallway with a friend from elementary school, several girls came up to us and basically bribed us into joining choir (their reasoning was that there were a lot of girls there, which didn’t interest me nearly as much as the music).
+
+Winding up in choir for that freshman year was, in retrospect, the original turning point of my life in the direction of music. Before that, I really had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life, other than the occasional vague notion of being a scientist of some sort. Through the four years of choir in high school (five choirs; seven if you count seasonal choirs), I developed a deep respect for some of the music we performed and began to ponder the music in a more conscious fashion.
+
+How, exactly, did one convey emotion through music? This became particularly pertinent when we performed music of different cultures. To western ears, the major scale (or at least major tonality) outlines a generally positive mood while tempo and dynamics are left to further that description. For example, a loud, fast, and major sounding song may suggest triumph or ecstasy, while a soft and slow major song can sound introspective – love is a big theme, of course. This leaves the minor scale for describing negative emotions, with similar modifications from tempo and dynamics.
+
+Looking at music from other cultures, however, provides a different glimpse. As a readily available example, much in the way of Jewish choral literature relies less on what melodic materials are used and more on articulation and other devices to determine whether a song is ‘happy’ or not. In other words, many Jewish choir songs sound distinctly depressing or sad to our western ears, though the texts are rather positive.
+
+As another example, I mentioned before that I’ve played with the dominant sonority, using it in ways that are not expected. A dominant function chord is one that, in western music, has a tendency to resolve in a certain way to the tonic, or primary key sonority, that is, it is usually seen as the second-to-last chord and over all sonority in most common practice period pieces, excepting of course the ‘amen’ of hymns. Though originally seen as dissonant, the dominant seventh chord became so ingrained into western music that it became strict taboo to not resolve it properly, or at least in a properly deceptive manner. It wasn’t until the late romantic era and into the jazz era that ‘improper’ uses of dominant seventh chords became commonplace.
+
+These are both examples of the effect of music on the mind of the listener. The composer plays with the direction of the music based on the listener’s expectations of what’s to come in the line of the song. In high school, though I’d begun composing, I was subconsciously trying to do just that. My earliest songs show some attempt at providing material that would sound unexpected without being totally out there.
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+Once I got to college and settled into my music major, however, I began to come across more and more in the way of musical materials in my schooling. Though I started with Music Theory Fundamentals, I ended up building a strong core of musical knowledge from the ground up, and from the past to the present. This growing core of knowledge allowed me to explore further into my own musical style, but more than that, it provided growing concern in my major, though I had just switched recently.
+
+My goal up until that point was to major in music education as a way to stay in my desired major of music and wind up with a sure-fire job when I graduated. The more I dealt with the education department, however, the more I came in contact with the public education system and its philosophies, and the more I came in contact with those while building my musical knowledge-base, the more I wanted to get out. What I saw in the music department was incredible. I saw, for the first time, all of the ideas that I had in my head from choir in high school not only put into action, but also embodied in the other students that I met there, not to mention the teachers, who were and still are of great inspiration to me.
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+In the public education system, however, I saw everything that I hated about my own public school experiences. Teachers are taught to act fake, to refrain saying anything about themselves that kids might pass on to their parents, and to fear, above all else, the power of parents and their litigious tendencies in today’s society. As teachers, we were expected to teach in the style sanctioned by whatever was popular, and what was popular was determined by what was making the most money for publishers at the time. My education classes contradicted a good portion of my knowledge of psychology, and a good portion of what I expected to be able to teach was denied to me.
+
+In particular, I felt that the direction in which my music education classes were heading was not where I wanted to head with my life. Specifically, the problems I had with music education had to do with the current trends in music and where they get their influences. The more I learned about the different styles of western music through the ages, the more I doubted the authenticity of what we sang in high school. Some of our music was genuine, true to its period or style, or unique in a way that offered a glimpse at something new. A healthy portion, however, was phony. Fake. Totally lacking in the soul and creativity that I saw in the other pieces we were performing. This was music that was written to fulfill a contract with a corporation, and it was the corporation, not the artists, the trends, and the times, that was deciding what was the correct music for our age group to be performing. This pseudomusic, as I later learned to call it, is easily taking over the industry, smothering students and leaving composers with little choice of what to write. This was not something I wanted to push on my students.
+
+Likewise, teaching methods were pushed with the same voracity in the music education practicum class I took. Orff, Dalcroze, and Kodaly systems were pushed and hyped without end, and we were encouraged to spend several thousand dollars on a course that would get us a certificate proclaiming us as followers of that one particular method. Such useless certifications for simply different ways of teaching music put a bad taste in my mouth
+
+With these doubts instilled about my future job, I began to question my true reason for wanting to be in the music education program. Sure, I wanted to give students the same joy that I had felt in singing an incredible piece, but I felt that that wasn’t the only reason for me wanting to be in front of a room full of students. A room full of singers is an instrument, and, as a budding composer, I felt that, were I not careful, I might start to see them as such and begin to push my own music on them. Of course, with this growing appreciation of music, I was terrified that along with my music would come my ideals, and here is where humility began to beat me over the head. Who was I to push around a room of students like that? I could bring them to see the same joy that I had felt, sure, but how would I feel expressing my opinions – as I knew I eventually would – in front of people who are just starting to form theirs? I wouldn’t be teaching so much as taking advantage.
+
+For a while, I tried to quell my horror at the public education system and to work around these doubts. I formulated the beginnings of my teaching philosophy in an attempt to keep the proper goals in mind, though I only finished it recently under encouragement from others. In short, my goal should not be to lead an excellent choir in beautiful concerts, or to provide an artistic outlet for students, or even to teach the fundamentals of music; my goal should be to encourage the future generations to become more complete and well rounded individuals with an appreciation not only for the arts of our culture, but of others around us – leading an excellent choir, providing an artistic outlet, and teaching fundamentals is only the path toward that goal, and the harder the students and I work toward that goal, the greater our accomplishments along the way will be.
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+In an ideal world, that would be the case. The more I saw of the public education system, though, the more I was convinced that we were living in some world far, far from the ideal one, and I eventually started to look toward other avenues where I might help in other ways, eventually seeking to get into the composition major, a battle unto itself.
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Well I was gonna head down to visit my dad, but I realized I had already bought crap for today's meal, and, besides, I felt that primal urge..
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The urge..
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To nearly set the kitchen on fire while cooking a thanksgiving meal. Every man goes through it.
For those of you interested, I made a community (and a strict set of rules), . It's open to those who would like to either read, discuss, or write about individual religion/faith/belief systems/anything related. It's intended to be safe and constructive, thus the rules, so if you're worried, look over the rules and see if they're up to spec. I don't know if I have to send specific invites, or if you can request to join, so let me know if there's problems.
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Just puttin' the word out there for those interested. :o)</lj
Adam Kadmon, the primordial being, had 613 arms, and each arm had 600,000 roots, and each root was a great soul, and each great soul was comprised of 600,000 lesser souls. That's 367,800,000 great souls and 220,680,000,000,000 souls from the primordial being (and there are 613 laws in the Torah, and 600,000 Jews fled Egypt with their children).
+
At the beginning, God said "Let there be light." (and the light flowed through the Tree of Life, but the latter seven Sephira were wrapped in shells, Qliphoth, which were shattered and acted as negatives of the Sephira they once encased)
+God crushed that light to atoms. (and when the Qliphoth shattered, Adam Kadmon was split up, and each of the 613 arms belonged to a an organ and had a temperament)
+Millions of sparks are hidden in the world, (and when the sparks of souls were divided, the temperaments of their corresponding organs dominated them but they were corrupted with fouler temperaments)
+but not all of us perceive them. (and there is a mark on your forehead that marks your temperament and incorporating that in your life to work with it properly is your life's work)
+The self-glorious who walk arrogantly upright will never perceive one, but the meek, modest, eyes down-cast, he sees it. (one must be conscious of the beauty of their pure soul, and of the purity of the souls of those around them)
+
This stuff's amazing - I love old systems @.@ I'll flesh it for in Manifesto at some point.</lj
X-posted: ,
+Arguments and smooth talkin’ – Set, setting, or integral part?
+long, homosexuality, Christianity, JudaismWhile my library of relevant books grew from the KJV Bible and the Principia Discordia, my interest in spiritualities continued to swell and, eventually, I began to read more into these different faiths. I came back time after time to the bible, however, having branched the collection out to a nice NIV copy, an Amplified copy (wherein whenever there’s a difference in a source material, it’s noted, and whenever there are multiple meanings for a word, they follow in parentheses), and several NKJV New Testaments from the Gideons on campus. My reasons for looking so keenly into the Bible were due in large part to the overwhelming presence of Christianity on campus, specifically in the music department.
+Perhaps because it was so pertinent in my daily life in school, I was very interested in the ‘why’ of Christianity. Why did people focus so intently on this one book, take the words written in it so seriously? I had gleaned a good bit of information about the history and concepts from Muller’s The Sins of Jesus, and I had read a bit of the bible at this point – the apostles and about half the Torah – so I could see that there was indeed something there to be learned. My struggle, then, was to find agreement in what I saw in the actions of Christians with the dogma put forth in the Bible.
+
There was, one spring, a preacher out on the Plaza named Johnny Square. He had the perfect voice for a contemporary evangelical, black preacher: smooth and reassuring with an almost sing-song tone to the important words which brought them out almost as much as the long pauses filling his speech did. Also, unlike the other preachers that usually came to campus, he encouraged one on one discussion, bringing with him a couple of PA speakers, a throat microphone for himself, and a microphone on a stand for whomever he was talking to. This idea of a public ‘one-on-one’ dialogue was something that intrigued me, as most other preachers were content to just shout at passers by from a central location, usually surrounded at a respectful distance by a ring of students listening, rarely participating.
+
As I mentioned before, though, many of the people from the GLBT office were rather harsh with these preachers, and today was no exception: what began as a light argument about homosexuality as sin turned into each side throwing logical fallacies at each other mingled with insults. With this apparent stalemate, the folk from the GLBT office headed off to their classes and Mr. Square was left all worked up.
+
For some reason I’m not sure of, I got up and went to the microphone. I had little idea of what I was going to talk about, other than I just wanted to make it a more constructive conversation than what had just taken place, perhaps as a means to show that not everyone from the office was so intent on attacking. Not really in the moment, I began by asking him how he was and a few basic questions more to stall for time before I brought up the idea of love in homosexual relationships. While I’m sure we talked for about half an hour or forty-five minutes, I really don’t remember much about the conversation except that, at one point, I mentioned that I would be willing to go to hell for the love that I’ve experienced in this life, to which the preacher responded, “Hell is the place where Jesus Christ is completely separated from you and absent from the whole of your existence.”
+
This was, by far, the gentlest description of hell I’d heard, though depending on whom you ask, possibly the most devastating. Our own conversation reached a gentler stalemate soon after, though it was not without a few pieces of scripture – the standard statement from Leviticus regarding homosexuality included. Certainly not as exciting as the previous discussion, ours left us both feeling a little lighter, and he offered to meet with me over lunch the next day, though our conversation was rather shallow over that.
+
What I took away from this experience was a few bits of confusion that I’m still thinking about today, all surrounding the definition of Christianity. Granted, such a thing is quite subjective and will change depending on whom you ask, I was left wondering about the connection between Christianity and Judaism. The two are obviously connected – the first five books of the Old Testament are the Jewish Torah, and, with the rest of the books in that collection, part of the Tanakh, the collected writings which, along with the Talmud and Midrash, serve as the basis of the religion. Jesus himself was a Jew, and the Jews played a major part in the story of his life.
+
Separating the two, then, becomes a problem. There are a few obvious differences in teachings between the Old and New Testaments: in the former, God is shown to be quick to anger and, in his own words, “a jealous God;” while in the latter, he is put forth as a loving abba, or father figure. In Judaism, God talks the people of Israel through prophets, of which there are many, and many instances of groups of people prophesizing, while in Christianity, God is said to be manifest in the form of Jesus (basically – different denominations, different views on this), making Jesus more than just a prophet. Also, prayer is left to the individual, and, as a consequence, there are less in the way of prophets, not to mention the priest caste that had existed before.
+
Another difference in the two is the amount and presentation of rules. It is said that there are 613 rules in the Torah that Jews must follow, and they are stated plainly, along with consequences. In the New Testament the rules are muddied and indistinct, though there are certainly commandments, and many of them show up not only in the form of parable, but only appear later in the writings of his followers, such as Paul. This, of course, brings into question the sources for each of these two traditions: for the older, there are the words of God brought to the people by way of the prophets, and in the latter, God spoke directly through Jesus, and the rest, to paraphrase Rabbi Hillel, is just commentary.
+
These differences lead to the question of how does Judaism (in the context of the Old Testament) factor into Christianity? In the culture at the time, it would be easy to see Jesus as the next prophet, taken from an outsider’s perspective – an insider, of course, having the miracles on his side. With Jesus being a Jew in a Jewish culture, it’s easy to look at it that way, but obviously, things have changed – Christianity is now seen as a separate entity from Judaism, and most Jews certainly don’t consider Christians to be Jewish! With its focus on the Israelite community (the oft-quote Leviticus 18:22 is followed with, in the 29th verse paraphrased, “Whoever commits these acts will be cut off from the people”), what then does this mean for Christians who use this – obviously a cultural and spiritual influence in Jesus’ time – to condemn people today? Yes, in a later verse (Lev 20:13), it does say that the person who commits this act (a man laying with a man) is to be put to death if they’re in the house of Israel and defile the Lord’s sanctuary, but how does this fit in with today’s Christianity? I honestly am not sure whether the Old Testament is intended as the predecessor and basis behind Christianity or if it is actively considered part of the teaching. It seems to me that it depends on the Christian, and many opt for a combination of both – using portions such as those listed above as active principles in their faith while the others are simply set-and-setting for Jesus’ life.
+
Even within the New Testament there are things that can be applied both as active principles and set-and-setting. For example, how does one deal with the concept of witnessing? The ‘against the hypocrites’ chapters in Matthew, the sixth and seventh, would seem contrary to what a lot of Christians do, but even later books, the Pauline Epistles in particular, seem contrary to this. Witnessing, it seems, should be done on a one-on-one basis with quiet humility according to what Jesus said, which seems contrary to the shouting preachers on the plaza, condemning us all to hell and praying before us. Perhaps this is why I enjoyed Johnny Square so much more than the others. What he held was more of a public dialog between him and one or two students at a time to talk about the issues at hand, rather than to make a spectacle of witnessing.
+
These explorations are still new to me, despite having thought about them for so long now. I’m sure that answers will come to me in time and will bring with them all new questions. For now I’ll have to keep reading, and perhaps one of these days I’ll pluck up my courage again and talk to someone on the other side of the situation. I’m curious to see how both Christians and Jews feel about this issue, and I’m interested to see how they’ll react to being asked such a question.
X-posted to and . The complete work so far (with proper formatting) is available as a PDF file. Appropriate music, non?
+Distractions – Pleasure first and pleasure in all things – Reeling – Consequences
+long, drugsSchool provided an ample distraction for me from my spiritual pursuits, but even so, I was still left with some free time to explore other interests. The internet still occupied much of my time, and through it, I found myself picking up a few different hobbies. As may be obvious by now, my attention does tend to wander from one topic to another fairly often and I’ve wound up with a good collection of stuff – both intangible knowledge and tangible items – related to all of these brief infatuations. However, I’d have to say that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is this exploration of the different corners of the universe and building my knowledge up higher and higher, as there is always still more and more to learn.
+
In this way, I consider myself a hedonist, or at least rather selfish. I suppose by garnering all of this knowledge and related materials, I was, as Jesus put it, building up wealth (of a sort) in this life instead of working for the next. It felt good for me to build a wider and wider base of knowledge on which to build myself. It felt good to have tangible evidence of my skill, and to be able to demonstrate it. This, I think, is where the selfishness showed up – thought it did feel good to have all this, I felt rather bad in having it. It felt as though I was bragging, and continuously searching for new things to brag about. I still struggle with this, and I do my best to keep humility in mind.
+
Along with this garnering of knowledge, I did my level best to cherish experiences and emotions as well. While it might be slightly contrary to the definition of hedonism, I didn’t do anything to avoid depression and pain to focus just on positive emotions and pleasure. Rather, when depression came up, I did my best to dissect the feeling both in an attempt to remedy it as well as cherish the feeling while it was there. With pain, I focused on the pleasure within it and toyed with finding descriptive words and phrases for it. A paper I found on my floor recently offers a glimpse of this: “Pain is the harsh light that illuminates our lives in a stark contrast of ups and downs; it is the gently persistent glow that brings color to our pleasure; we breathe pain – the scent of snow on the way in and the taste of blood on the way out, frigid to the core no matter how hot.”
+
With these descriptions in mind, I began almost subconsciously to attempt to synaesthetically catalog my different emotions and sensations in terms of sensory responses. My early attempts back in high school described emotions and the thoughts tied to them as clouds of color in different locations within and surrounding my body. I think that, by attempting to picture the colors before I tried to decipher the emotions involved helped me to differentiate between separate and related emotions. As an example, I wrote, “when pondering [attraction], a luminescent fuchsia color that seems to be flowing in the right hemisphere of my brain; when thinking of [a significant other] and snuggling, a warm, earthy brown with a little bit of green in a pine-needle-ish pattern about a foot and a half in front of me and slightly to the left; tiredness is off-white everywhere and blind hopelessness is bright blue wrapped around my mind.” However, this exercise was rather draining, and I didn’t keep it up for long.
+
This lust for experience and betterment eventually lead into exploration of drugs – I’ll be blunt; mind-altering substances is a nice phrase, but food and water are mind-altering substances – beginning with the obvious months of research on Erowid and like sites back in high school. Upon the way, I came across a page about Salvia divinorum and its effects, including a chapter from the book Pharmako/poeia by Dale Pendell. I purchased this book and skimmed through the amazingly poetic content (I even began writing in his style – if anyone remembers my ‘ally’ – while reading the book) all while still researching the interestingly bizarre plant that is Salvia. I finally worked up the courage to purchase some Salvia just to see what it was like.
+
The third time was the charm, and also the most terrifying. The first two attempts at trying the plant resulted in little more than hypoxia, but, as I’d read, there was a bit of reverse tolerance – the drug got stronger as time went on. Never has anything instilled such fear in me, and, in time, such respect. While I had steered clear of drugs throughout high school, preferring instead to sit and watch from the sidelines as a girl in my world literature class freaked out on mushrooms, I only began to really respect them with this experience.
+
What exactly happen sounds rather mundane and funny in retrospect: having smoked a little bit of the extracted plant material in an empty room, I was neatly destroyed before I even had a chance to exhale the first breath. I felt that I had lost nearly all sense of my ego, and I was clinging to what remained by the barest of threads while my room tried to eat it. Having fallen over on my side, the baseboard heater had become a mouth, the window a solitary eye, and the vast expanse of the empty room a muzzle and throat of some sort of beast emanating from my chest, intent on eating my ego and any lingering sense of self. With Salvia comes a certain gravity – it pulls back and to the right, for me – along with a rhythm of about two or three strikes a second, and this turned into a sensation of being caught in the maw of this beast while it struggled to dislodge me with its tongue in order to swallow.
+
To be honest, I’m not sure how my deep sense of respect for such a powerful plant emerged from such a situation, other than perhaps the sense of ego-death caused by it. Also, it made me realize what a control freak I can be when it comes to my mind. My worst fear in the world at the time was insanity, of which I was given a brief glimpse. Part of, I believe, my trouble with that experience was the need to hold onto the strand of my ego throughout the process and not let it go.
+
The next experience, that of psylocybe mushrooms, completely destroyed all of that. Salvia is a quick experiencing. From start to shaky baseline was likely no more than five or ten minutes. With mushrooms, I was clearly not myself for a good three or four hours, and was not back to baseline for another four hours after that. Sometime during this process, I started to break out in a mild case of hives, which, while you’re in the process of going crazy, does little to help the situation. While I had been pleasantly goofy before, I suddenly turned into a mess of fear and panic, getting stuck in a time loop in the bathtub, and spending half an hour writing to myself that I had just taken a psychoactive substance in order to convince myself that I was still sane.
+
It was after this that my respect for Salvia grew even more. It took another year after the episode with the mushrooms, but I finally tried another psychoactive substance again, and this time, I let the herb steal away my ego, placidly going through a sort of ego-death in order to experience the rawer side of myself that is normally buried under the crust of the Self. While the imagery of the ‘trip’ was fairly standard – floating up through the branches of a limitless tree as the layers of my mind were laid bare to me – the deeper meaning struck me as a very introspective look at some of the parts of my mind that I don’t normally get to see. The next evening, I attended a Sufi zikr (‘dhikr’ depending on the tradition) ceremony with a very close friend in the music department, and I was tempted to ask for a mystical interpretation of the experience while the leaders of the ceremony engaged in a traditional interpretation of dreams.
+
My explorations with other substances have also been introspective, but none so deeply. To take a phrase from Dale Pendell, they were, rather, ground-state training. I have toyed with large doses of caffeine and then fasted from it in order to take a look within myself and see what courses my thoughts take both on and off the substance. I have sought empathy in plants such as Kava kava, blue lotus, and pot, and found it in only limited qualities. I have toyed with the concept of addiction – something my mother warned me ran in the family – and intentionally gotten myself addicted to alcohol in order to see what the concepts of addiction and withdrawal mean to me, even to the point of having several of my friends worried for me (though I honestly feel that I’m a safer drinker than most college students – I drink often, yes, but rarely more than two drinks). Oddly, I tried to toy with the same thing with opium (in the form of poppy tea), but never found what was purported to be one of the most intense addictions. The whole experience was rather dull, really. The most comfortable ‘dull’ in the history of my life, yes, but dull. The other substance that one equates with addiction, tobacco, often makes me vomit, so I tend to stay away from it based on a more physical aversion. This ground-state training is more yogic than usual drug use, but certainly pertinent to my explorations. The poison path remains a part of my life.
+
Of course, none of any of my hobbies came cheap: I’ve never been one to skimp on quality even when I’m hunting for bargains. Though I come from a rather affluent background, this gave me my first taste of debt, which, to be certain, has gotten rather out of hand as of late. As a result, I’ve gone through one of the more drastic lifestyle changes yet as of late: while I’ve tried to get rid of stuff before, I’ve never done so with as much abandon as I have now. When I began this change in my life to work way from my previous excess and my current comparatively ascetic lifestyle to a happy medium, I laid strict ground rules for myself – family tradition would hold little to no weight, personal value would be based more on how often I used the item in question, and I would not always try to sell for the highest price, for that would often result in the item not selling. Again, this was quite self-centered of me, intended to get me out of debt and into a comfortable life rather than to make me a more worldly person, but I feel that it has certainly contributed and will continue to contribute to constructive growth as a person.
+
How does this tie into my personal faith? Well, I don’t suppose it does in a direct way, really. However, faith is not the only aspect in life, and other aspects do need to be taken into account. I think that this has all brought to me a grounding in the more tangible word that surrounds me as well as a clearer idea of how my mind and body work on a more basic level than any amount of introspection and reading can gain. While this spirituality business is certainly an important aspect of my life, of life on a whole, it is not all that one can focus on. There are bills to pay, I’ve found, both literally and figuratively, and one must work out the financial system before one engages in transactions.
+
+
+ DrugsUh.. if you're at all interested in Salvia divinorum, due to a law being passed outlawing it in IL, there's a 20% off all Salvia products at http://www.iamshaman.com using the coupon code LASTDAYS07. The shop's great, trustworthy, and with the sale, affordable, so if you're into that thing, just letting you know..
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+ Zk | Manifesto - XII
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Zk | Manifesto - XII
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Gellin’ – Hypothesis on Unitarians – Your mileage may vary – A church to call my own?
My bed keeps biting me. First a hurty-bite on my arm, now an itchy-bite on my leg. Time for Calamine. Anyway, now it's time to get naked and do homework! Er... hmm. It seems that 3am is the best time for me to do homework. I'm all calm and stuff ^
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+ Zk | By the way...
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Zk | By the way...
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Does anyone else think this is an incredibly good idea?
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If I were as pessimistic as Jubal Harshaw or Agent Smith, I'd say this is a perfect way to come up with an artificial human intelligence :D:D:
+
+
+ sweet
+Ranna Fox
+9:52
+Yoooo.
+Shanerak
+9:55
+dook
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:01
+How's it goin', ferret?
+Shanerak
+10:02
+not bad, kinda tired
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:02
+Awr. Well, I guess it's midnight there..
+Shanerak
+10:03
+Yeah
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:13
+rrf.. sorry I missed your call and sorry I'm so distracted..
+Shanerak
+10:14
+*shrugs* no big thing
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:14
+Alrighty..
+Shanerak
+10:17
+*flop*
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:18
+*squeeze* How're you doin'?
+Shanerak
+10:21
+Oh, I'm alright
+tight on money this month but otherwise good
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:22
+Mmm? Anything in particular?
+Shanerak
+10:22
+*shrugs* heavy insurance and getting my parents that thousand bucks by christmas
+but I'll be good for it
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:23
+Alrighty.. I can help out some.. I'll drive you around and feed you for the trip ;.;
+Shanerak
+10:23
+Oh pff, the trip is fine
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:24
+Heh, alrighty. Just making sure :o)
+I'll cook you good food, and we'll have a grand old time on the cheap.
+Shanerak
+10:27
+word :3
+gonna get kine to hook me up with some pot too incase you're into that
+gotta hit up the mountains
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:27
+*snug* Yeah, definitely. Should be fun with you and him.
+Shanerak
+10:28
+mhm *curls*
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:28
+*petpet* It'll be good to see you, anyway.
+Shanerak
+10:28
+Well of course it will :P
+Nice to know I'll just be out there soon too
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:31
+Mmhm. You're more fun to sleep with then a bundled up blanket.
+Shanerak
+10:31
+Haha yeah, and you than a pillow
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:32
+I have the hardest time telling you that I love you, probably because of the whole waiting for you to move out here, but you know I love you, right? :oP
+Shanerak
+10:33
+Yeah
+I guess it's weird since we're not in person, but it's obvious I would hope
+that I love you.. back?
+:3
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:34
+Hahaha, yeah, it's just been feeling like I've been holding back or something. Weird :o)
+Shanerak
+10:36
+Nah, it's all good
+I have a hard time saying it too, I dunno
+not because it's hard to say but because I said it a lot and I just feel like you already know anyway
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:37
+Yeah, I do :o) I guess it's just been kind of a weird road through all this.
+Shanerak
+10:37
+Yep, but it's all good
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:38
+Mmhm ^^ Anyway, as long as we're still good for the trip. :o)
+Shanerak
+10:39
+Of course :P
+When I say short on money I mean I can't like.. go buy clothes and spend 200 bucks a week on meals and shit
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:40
+Well, alright.. :o)
+I'll still make you food :oP
+Shanerak
+10:42
+do it :3
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:42
+Korean food. And special brownies.
+Shanerak
+10:43
+anyway gotta sleep, foxo
+*snugs* seeya later
+
+Ranna Fox
+10:44
+*wrap* See ya ^^
+Sleep well.
+Shanerak
+10:45
+you too :>
+10:45
+Shanerak disconnected
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+ Zk | Uh.. wow o.o
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Zk | Uh.. wow o.o
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So, Leonard Bernstein's 3rd symphony, "Kaddish," is probably the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Ever. So long as one hears it with Bernstein's own narration, that is. I don't think I'd like it as much with the Holocaust narration: it stands as a 'prayer for the dead' for the holocaust victims, but cheapens the music and changes its meaning.
+The words from the second movement.
+NARRATOR
+With Amen on my lips, I approach
+Your presence, Father. Not with fear,
+But with a certain respectful fury.
+Do You not recognize my voice?
+I am that part of Man You made
+To suggest his immortality.
+You surely remember, Father?—the part
+That refuses death, that insists on You,
+Divines Your voice, guesses Your grace.
+And always You have heard my voice,
+And always You have answered me
+With a rainbow, a raven, a plague, something.
+But now I see nothing. This time You show me
+Nothing at all.
+
+Are You listening, Father? You know who I am:
+Your image; that stubborn reflection of You
+That Man has shattered, extinguished, banished.
+And now he runs free—free to play
+With his new-found fire, avid for death,
+Voluptuous, complete and final death.
+Lord God of Hosts, I call You to account!
+You let this happen, Lord of Hosts!
+You with Your manna, Your pillar of fire!
+You ask for faith, where is Your own?
+Why have You taken away Your rainbow,
+That pretty bow You tied round Your finger
+To remind You never to forget Your promise?
+
+“For lo, I do set my bow in the cloud ...
+And I will look upon it, that I
+May remember my everlasting covenant ...”
+Your covenant! Your bargain with Man!
+Tin God! Your bargain is tin!
+It crumples in my hand!
+And where is faith now—Yours or mine?
+
+Forgive me, Father. I was mad with fever.
+Have I hurt You? Forgive me,
+I forgot You too are vulnerable.
+But Yours was the first mistake, creating
+Man in Your own image, tender,
+Fallible. Dear God, how You must suffer,
+So far away, ruefully eyeing
+Your two-footed handiwork—frail, foolish,
+Mortal.
+My sorrowful Father,
+If I could comfort You, hold You against me,
+Rock You and rock You into sleep.
+
+SOPRANO SOLO AND BOYS’ CHOIR
+Yit’gadal v’yit’kadash sh’me raba, amen …
+
+NARRATOR
+Rest, my Father. Sleep, dream.
+Let me invent Your dream, dream it
+With You, as gently as I can.
+And perhaps in dreaming, I can help You
+Recreate Your image, and love him again.
+
So. This new shaving soap is fucking awesome, even if I made a mess making a lather, and aftershave is equally amazing. Hopefully the straight razor I got will stand up to all the awesomeness going around and leave me free of razor burn. :D:
I can't even focus on procrastinating. At least my room's finally set up, even if there's still a bunch of shit on the floor. Oh well. Read God is a Verb for a bit, but alas, it started talking first about miracles, and then about angels, which, even from the mystical side, were a little hard to swallow. The chapters weren't without good ideas, at least.
+
Manifesto feels too much like homework (of which I have tons) for me to want to work on it right now. Hopefully that'll change soon
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+ Zk | Have a drink.
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Two hew too,
+More who chew,
+Mort threw pew,
+We pan rats.
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+Cows are wet,
+We are set,
+More we met,
+None too hot.
+
+Sent pants east,
+Sent tar west,
+Sent newts north,
+We won Earth.
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+Ra has toes,
+Now Joseph sews,
+The actor mows,
+Poets, no tact.
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In other news, Brendon loved When David Heard, especially the 18 part divisi
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+ sweet
+(12:25:43 PM) Ranna Fox: Do ok., (12:25:51 PM) Shanerak: chirp (12:26:08 PM) Shanerak: gmail aim ftw (12:26:16 PM) Ranna Fox: Hahaha, rock on :3 (12:28:39 PM) Shanerak: what's up? (12:29:05 PM) Ranna Fox: Not a whole lot. Watching Flight of the Concords. You? (12:29:51 PM) Shanerak: awesome (12:29:51 PM) Shanerak: workin (12:30:41 PM) Ranna Fox: Yeh. (12:30:50 PM) Ranna Fox: It finally snowed last night, and it got all cold, so.. (12:31:00 PM) Shanerak: rolling around in the snow (12:31:04 PM) Ranna Fox: May want to bring warm stuff. (12:31:11 PM) Ranna Fox: Oh yeah. We can do that. (12:31:14 PM) Shanerak: I will (12:32:45 PM) Shanerak: do you have a bathtub (12:33:03 PM) Ranna Fox: Yes :3 (12:33:07 PM) Shanerak: werd (12:33:15 PM) Ranna Fox: Not very big, but oh well. (12:33:52 PM) Shanerak: just wondering :> (12:34:30 PM) Ranna Fox: Hehe, alright :o) (12:34:45 PM) Ranna Fox: I also have amaaaazing bath soap body wash stuff. (12:36:06 PM) Shanerak: hmm (12:36:11 PM) Shanerak: I'm bringing incence and stuff btw (12:36:45 PM) Ranna Fox: I can dig it. (12:37:01 PM) Shanerak: yeah nowhere to use em so (12:37:06 PM) Shanerak: figure I'll leave them out there, lol (12:37:17 PM) Ranna Fox: Heh, alright. I'll keep 'em around. (12:39:21 PM) Shanerak: raemuz is bugging me to hang out (12:39:42 PM) Shanerak: told him maybe saturday or something? (12:40:01 PM) Ranna Fox: Sure, I suppose. Don't have any real plans. (12:41:16 PM) Shanerak: none here either (12:41:18 PM) Shanerak: oh! (12:41:22 PM) Shanerak: washer and drier? (12:41:30 PM) Ranna Fox: Yeh, one set per floor. (12:41:33 PM) Shanerak: cool (12:41:41 PM) Ranna Fox: They're fairly cheap, too. (12:41:47 PM) Ranna Fox: Though the drier takes forever. (12:41:53 PM) Shanerak: werd (12:43:45 PM) Shanerak: what do you want for christmas anyway (12:43:53 PM) Ranna Fox: Christ...mass? (12:44:02 PM) Shanerak: massive christ (12:44:51 PM) Ranna Fox: Uh.. I dunno. Just getting money from parents :oP (12:44:55 PM) Ranna Fox: New shoes? :oP (12:45:19 PM) Shanerak: werd (12:45:25 PM) Ranna Fox: Heh, I dunno. (12:45:34 PM) Ranna Fox: I've got stuff for you already :oP (12:45:47 PM) Ranna Fox: Anyway, I gotta go turn in that stupid huge-ass paper. (12:45:53 PM) Shanerak: naked mongoose (12:45:57 PM) Shanerak: is your present o_o (12:46:03 PM) Ranna Fox: Murrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (12:46:06 PM) Ranna Fox: I'd hit it :3 (12:46:08 PM) Shanerak: a fat one (12:46:09 PM) Shanerak: I bet (12:46:11 PM) Shanerak: get workin (12:46:13 PM) Shanerak: seeya (12:46:22 PM) Ranna Fox: Hehe, see ya :D (12:46:24 PM) Shanerak: and love you :3 (12:46:32 PM) Ranna Fox: :D:D:D:D:D (12:46:35 PM) Shanerak: lol (12:46:36 PM) Ranna Fox: Love you too :o) (12:46:39 PM) Shanerak: seeya
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+ Zk | This week
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Zk | This week
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Giving the internet a bit of a break. It's finals week, and the thing I need is a huge source of potential drama.
+
Instead of any real content, have some blather about Confucianism.
+Read more...
8.3 The Doctrine. Although Confucianism is part of the three religions that form the traditional heritage of China (with Taoism and Buddhism), it is legitimate to question its being a religion in the common, however inadequate, sense of the term. Superficially, it does not seem to be one, for its enterprise appears to be the demythologization of Chinese beliefs: supernatural beings are made into virtues, heaven stops being a god, being made into a mere principle that warrants order, and so forth. In a certain sense, Confucius' criticism of traditional religion had much in common with the Buddha's critique of Hindu beliefs and practices; yet in sharp contrast with the latter, it did not at all concern the "salvation" of human beings, for the simple and basic reason that it in no way occurs to Confucius that there is anything in social life to be saved from, nor consequently anyone to be saved. "When one is unable to serve human beings, how can one serve spiritual beings?" says one aphorism, clearly meaning that one is to abandon any pursuit of an invisible reality. "When you do not know life, how would you know death?" is meant to discourage whoever has any inclination toward the mysteries of afterlife.
+
+In contrast to Buddhism, which developed a powerful organization based on a hierarchy of monks and laypeople, Confucianism did not have priests. The performers of rituals were the same ju, or bureaucrats, who filled, by state examination, the openings in the imperial administration, bot central and provincial. Our term "religion" does not immediately seem to apply to this formal cult mechanically performed by nonpriests for divinities toward which they do not aspire.
+
+[...] Logic did not interest Confucius any more than mythology. His main concern was to discover the Middle Way (Tao) in human society and in individual actions, the Way that would guarantee the balance between the will of the earth and the will of heaven. "Heaven" here, it should be carefully stated, was not a divinity, but a universal and omnipresent principle, hidden and undefinable, whose operations "are noiseless and odorless."
+
+If Confucianism pursues some form of "salvation," this is not religious soteriology. Confucians do not have a negative worldview, like Buddhists or Christians; they do not understand immortality, like Taoists, as something one may individually acquire, but as a goal naturally attained by the succession of many generations; they do not have a direct, however painful and problematic, relation with God like Jews, and do not tremble before the will of heaven like Muslims before Allah. Confucianism does not assign human beings any other objective than the pursuit of the excellency of their humanness (jen yi) by the correct and proper accomplishment of their social duties (li). The foundation of Confucianism is summarized in the aphorism: The father must be a father, and the son a son.
+
+Human society is supposed to be regulated by a movement, educational in intent, that goes from the top to the bottom and corresponds to paternal love (for a son) and by an opposite movement of reverence that goes from the bottom to the top and is tantamount to filial piety. This is the only Confucian duty whose absoluteness nearly shows a trace of passion, for otherwise gentlemen indiscriminately abhor passions. A breach of the rule of piety (toward one's family, one's superior, one's homeland, one's chief of state, etc.) is the only Confucian definition of sacrilege. Historians of the Far East had a tendency to emphasize, after World War II, that such a paternalistic ideology could perhaps degenerate more readily than others into blind obedience to the interests of a totalitarian state.
+
+-- The HarperCollins Concise Guide to World Religions. Eliade, Mircea and Couliano, Ioan P.
I got me some proper shaving implements. Now to learn how to use them. So far, I've just given myself razor burn without actually removing much in the way of hair. I dunno if they're sharp enough.<br clear="all"/
+* This applies mostly to OASOS, but also to school. Basically, I felt like, as Samir put it, an extra. Someone who is easy to hang around, but only for three hours a week. And it's understandable, I suppose, since I feel like I can barely stand myself, that I project this view onto others. It felt like I was just being put up with at group; I felt like a duty that had to be seen to - please watch Matt while he's out, so that he doesn't do anything stupid. I know this is probably fairly irrational, but I'm not a rational being, really. Also, Kris brought up a good point in small group about poly relationships and, specifically, some ideas on boundries. Should discuss both of these issues with Michael. (I know I'm not supposed to communicate via LJ, but I'm dead tired
Gyoza, potstickers, dumplings, etc. I'm using the Korean name, 'cause these are filled with beef, kimchi, and mushrooms :o9 I'll post more about 'em in .<br clear="all"/
Today's the day I find out whether or not I'll be a finalist in this. Wish me luck.
+
I guess I got the wrong date, because I've been working on my New Years resolutions for a little while: switch to composition, be smarter with money to pay off the card, and settle down, finally. Over all, it's been a good year
My mom got me a decent garment bag for Christmas, and my dad got me a shirt, a tie, and a sports coat (which, I must say, is to die for). I'm not sure if they're collaborating, or hinting than I need to get a job where I'll need these things
You're amazing :3 You totally made my new years eve. FROM THE FUTUER! My new years resolution is to get you drunk more often so that you say more cute things :D
I was looking into paying off my credit card with a loan at a lower interest rate, but I guess my card's alright. I thought, having gone over the limit once or twice, that my interest rate would be as high as they could push it, but I guess not. Variable interest card means it changes month-to-month and goes up or down as the market changes, but it's not affected by defaulting or going over the limit.
+
I'd have to get a crazy good rate on a loan to make it worth it :
As always, there's more to the story than just interest rates that should play into my decision on the card and a possible loan. When I checked to see what a loan would be like in the way of monthly payments at similar or lower interest rates, I forgot to take finance charges into account. My plan before now is to just dump everything I can onto the card so that I don't have to worry about budgeting for food, knowing that that's difficult to do. The problem with this, of course is that finance charges are calculated mostly based on purchases on the card. This is shown by the fact that a three year loan at 5% less interest than I'm paying on the card is slightly more than my monthly minimum payment, which I thought was strange considering how long it was taking me to pay off the card, until I realized about half of each payment was going towards finance charges.
+
So I guess my options are to keep paying off the card at my current rate (not very fast) or take out a loan (not very fast, but certainly more efficient). James would have me take out a student loan, which would have a better interest rate but would make me uncomfortable, never mind my past opinions of his financial advice. I would go with Prosper, which would give me a higher interest rate (still lower than the card), but would fit in more with my ideals and make me feel better for borrowing for the right thing. Nothing's urgent, though, so I have time to research
John, my downstairs neighbor, runs a recording business on the side, being primarily a programmer for HP's Open Source dev team. Merging the two, he came up with the idea to keep all of his projects for Audio Intuition on his huge-ass RAID array using SVN, a type of version control (it works by checking out a copy of whatever's in the repository, letting you edit it, then committing the changes to the repository after making note of the changes, so that you can revert to an old version if you screw up, sorta like Wikipedia). I listened to all his woes on getting that to work, such as finding a way to do suitably small binary diffs and a few scripts to keep everything orderly and whatnot without even thinking of how useful it all really is.
+
I, meanwhile, struggled with USB drives (surprisingly easy to lose), having multiple computers, needing to bring stuff to school, and all sorts of problems.
+
Which, oddly enough, are easily fixed by just LISTENING TO JOHN.
+
Now, all of my scores will be under SVN that only I can access on an outside, regularly backed up server. This means, whenever I want to work on a score, I need only check it out from the repository on whatever computer I want, work on it, commit it, and then, when I access it (via checking out the file from SVN) from any other computer, it will be as I last worked on it. No more worrying about drive failures, losing my USB keys, anything like that :D
+
Of course, in the process of setting it up, I realized that I had only 901MB free on my MacBook, which was strange - I was using only about 20GB of a 75GB drive. Apparently, FileVault took a holiday and stopped reclaiming free space when I logged out. Again, John helped by finding a tool that would look at the disk image FileVault makes and forces a space reclamation. If ever you need it:
hdiutil compact username.sparseimage
Of course, you need to be logged in as someone else (which, in my case, meant creating a new user) because the image is mounted when you're logged in as yourself. Think of it as defragmenting a file, which sometimes pretends to be a hard drive.
+
All this because I finally got Sibelius working on my laptop.
+
+* Where 'computer' is defined as a Windows or Mac (I have yet to see if Sibelius will work in Wine) box with both some form of SVN and Sibelius.</small
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+ Zk | Alright.
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Zk | Alright.
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The white razor is getting retired to a stage prop. Every time I shave with it, I end up looking like I just got in a knife fight
After spending the day fighting with creating a new image for the D630s we got at the library, I've decided that, nice as he was, my previous supervisor really did not like his job. NONE of his code is commented at all, and the code that previous students have written is clumsy and comments usually apply to code that my previous supervisor commented out and rewrote. The guy who used to do all the imaging is graduating, and, having worked primarily with my previous supervisor, picked up the habit and didn't comment any of his code, nor document the rather involved process of image making at the library. I've decided that, once I get the D630s and Optiplex 330s out, I'm going to make it my task to not only relearn VBScript and possibly rewrite all these code tools, but to document the entire process of both making an image and imaging a computer.
+
I was looking into formats to do this in, as I'm sick of my workplace's reliance on Word - any ideas? Both LaTeX and Compiled HTML Help have been suggested - I would prefer the former, but don't think anyone would even want to touch it after I graduated, and while I dislike the latter, it would certainly be easier to update and more commonly used
Work gave me a deadline of Monday for three rather large projects. In today, probably tomorrow too D: Oh well, s'money
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+ Zk | I am all that is MAN!
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Zk | I am all that is MAN!
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Yesterday, I totally fucked up the public profile in the library (sorry, perverts, didn't mean to mess with your scheduled porn viewing). Today, I fixed it. I'm just that amazing c.c
Put together a list of songs that I wouldn't mind doing as vocal or choral arrangements. I wonder how hard it is to get permission to arrange a song :oP
Ranna kinda embarrassed to say, but he read a whole shitload of stuff on unassisted childbirth last night, too - Merry went through it, and posted a link
+ about it - which made him rather frustrated. S'the only thing he really HATES about being gay c.c
+Kanja squeeze. c.c
+Ranna wraparound mink. Oh well. Will live :3
+Kanja says, "Could always adopt!"
+Ranna nods, s'true! Thinks.. er.. well, it's more like gender dysphoria than anything. Sure, he'd like to be a dad, but.. fff. Sometimes really wants to
+ be a mom c.c
+Kanja certainly can understand that. Thinks he's said before he identifies more as female, sometimes to the point that it hurts to not be.
+Ranna nodnods. Most of the time he just feels like he's being left out of about half of everything, what with gender roles. Whenever he gets to thinking
+ about parenthood, though, it gets kinda crazy like that c.c
+Kanja nodnods. ;.;
+You yerf, "Nevermind the sexual aspect of it :oP"
+Ranna oh well. Spent most of last night reading about homebirths and watching videos and whatnot. Then freaked out about his cat :oP
+Kanja hee. Had a dream once, long ago, of being female and having sex. Stuck with him all these years in detail because it was an extremely vivid dream,
+ and he's never forgotten the sensation of /feeling/ someone inside, from the female end of things. c.c It was an odd dream.
+Ranna nodnods! Has a lot of.. ur.. hypnogogic thoughts like that - right at the edge of sleep. Still, he rather likes his penis, and penis in general, so
+ though he may feel rather like a straight girl, he'll probably just stick with gay guy c.c
+Kanja hee. c.
When I got into work, I was surprised to see my coworker there, which was good, because he's the one that I'm brain-picking when it comes to building an image. Being nearly done, all I had to do was change the HALs on the two images (desktop and laptop) so that they would work on all the destination computers. He told me to just use the 'standard one'. Well, the Standard HAL that windows ships with is very, very basic, and after I switched to it, both imaging machines refused to boot properly. Neat. I about shot my coworker in the face. Not even last known good config worked on them. So all that time I spent on friday and over the weekend was basically for naught, and I had to start from where I had taken a presysprep image on Friday morning and still get both projects finished today, not exactly leaving me time to finish the third. I got the desktop finished, the laptop mostly finished, and the third project defragged and prepped for sysprep when my supervisor broke the imaging server. I took this as a sign to go home.
+
Only to find that my fooling around with hdiutil to fix my laptop had mostly just made it refuse to mount properly. This means that the laptop booted fine, but it would basically fail to mount my home directory (actually an encrypted sparse image) without telling me so, leaving me with no error message or anything. I've just now finally got it mounted in single user mode and I'm currently backing all my data up, just in case it still refuses to mount properly.
+
Fucking computers. They may have solved a few problems, but they certainly made a whole lot more.
Slept from six to six. Still tired. Today, however, they're giving us free breakfast if we wear pajamas (which I am) and a free lunch for seniors (which I am). Copious amounts of food
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+ Zk | Why some people drive me nuts.
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Zk | Why some people drive me nuts.
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Vexus growls softly, "Makyo"
+(That's me.)
+You yerf, "Vexus."
+Vexus growls softly, "I need to know of a good camera that has very high light sensitivity for taking fast snapshots, or multiple snapshots in a row, digital, know of anything?"
+And before I even have a chance to parse this sentence...
+Skylos softly barks, "My canon 20D is excellent at that, Vexus, with my 50mm F/1.4 lense."
+Vexus growls softly, "Let me guess it costs $400 too"
+Okay, whatever. I'll try to be nice and go along with the conversation
+You yerf, "I'm afraid you get what you pay for, Vex."
+Skylos naws, "the lense costs $300.
+Skylos softly barks, "the camera body is more like $1000, last I remember."
+Vexus :|
+Maybe I just don't type fast enough, what with bothering with spelling and grammar, so I'm still explaining my situation.
+Makyo lucked out because Ogg was selling his camera body. Got that and lenses used.
+Grynn waaaaaaants that lens. Grabby paws at f/1.4
+Skylos has taken pictures in the dark with this lense and it works. :)
+Grynn has f/1.8, which is nice, but he waaaaaaants AF f/1.4 for his Nikon D70.
+Skylos softly barks, "1600 iso setting with F/1.4 and there doesn't seem to be anything you can't shoot."
+Standard Vexus behavior follows - annoying, but harmless enough.
+Vexus clubs Skylos and takes the camera >.> <.<
+Skylos yelps!
+Grynn tackles Vexus and steals the camera.
+This is his thing: due to family situations and health problems, he's low on money.
+Vexus growls softly, "You got money!"
+Vexus tasers Grynn!
+Evidence of how fucking tired I am of this coming up over and over again.
+Makyo spits.
+Jesus fucking Christ. And he's serious! Fffff.
+Skylos softly barks, "well, yah, thats 'cause I'm a highly paid computer professional."
+
Never mind that Vexus asked me, no matter how annoying that gets, sometimes; never mind that I try to keep in mind that other people are actually completely separate entities that I should be nice to most of the time; never mind that SKYLOS IS FUCKING JOBLESS... Guh, I can't even begin to articulate just how Skylos bugs the shit out of me. I've been telling people that he's 'everything I hate about myself, and proud of it,' which is true: he's a jack of all trades and tries to impose that on others, he forgets that other people exist in the world, and he's outwardly proud of accomplishments that only mean so much. This isn't the whole of it, though, and I'm not sure I really know just yet what is. Needless to say, I'm washing my hands of the Nurple for a while, if I can't get along with some of the people there, no matter how many others I'm fine with. I can page them
I've repeatedly been told to 'try again later' or to 'contact customer support' (helpfully with no means to actually contact customer support). The real kicker is that my email address is, according to them, not a valid email address. What the hell? I have never seen such a poorly designed website that is intended to be used by so many people.
+
EDIT: Upon talking with customer support, I've been informed that 'the error is with your data rather than with our systems.' I said thank you and closed the chat
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+ Zk | Dum dum dum dum dum.
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Zk | Dum dum dum dum dum.
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+ Who comments the most on this journal?
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+Total comments: 3429
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+ Zk | I think I look a little like a dolphin c.c
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Zk | I think I look a little like a dolphin c.c
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+by Kacey Miyagami
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+ Zk | I told him I was gonna blow up...
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Zk | I told him I was gonna blow up...
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Skylos snuggles up to Makyo.
+You yerf, "Leave me alone."
+Shanerak says, "I think he's allergic to dogs"
+Skylos sheds.
+Luperion wuffs, "Or snuggles."
+Winged got really irritated at his caucus when the various people 'round him started spouting extremely racist and islamofascist shit.
+You yerf, "I don't like you, and there's nothing you can do to make me like you, so please leave me alone."
+Skylos goes over to Luperion, who will no doubt like snuggling better.
+Kia nods. Weird, no doubt about it.
+hanerak says, ":x"
+Skylos boggles at makyo.
Cc: "Queen,Michael","'Forest Greenough'","'Matt Scott'"
+From: "David B. Wohl"
+Subject: Re: Matt Scott Compositions
+
Matt has my support, as well.
+
Thanks, Gary.
+
Congratulations and good luck Matt!
+
David
+
On Jan 22, 2008, at 2:28 PM, Moody,Gary wrote:
+
> In December, Matt Scott gave me an internet link to some of his
+> compositions. I have examined them and he has my support to be a
+> composition major.
+>
+> Dr. Gary Moody
+> Associate Professor of Double Reeds and Theory
+> School of the Arts
+> Colorado State University
+
EDIT:
+From: Moody,Gary
+To: 'Matt Scott'
+Subject: change of major form
+
I discovered that you had already given me a change of major form, so I have completed it and passed it along for the Chair's signature
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+ Zk | First ride of the year.
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Zk | First ride of the year.
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8.9 miles
+23.6 mph max
+0:38:16 time
+13.95 mph avg.
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Nothing great, but it sure felt good to get back on the road, even if the wind kept threatening to push me into traffic
So tiny @.@ Smaller than the last digit of my pinky finger.
I think I'm gonna make it into my secure drive. Keep my keyring on there, along with installations of GPG that I download and check myself, so I know I'm not dealing with a compromised installation. Still have to worry about key loggers, I guess. I don't really have any need for such security, but it's a neat little idea. Also, thinking of doing up my will like . Again, I don't really have any need to - it's just such a neat idea :3<br clear="all"/
Saying our internet connection is 'shaky' is like saying William Shatner is 'getting old'.
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Apologies to those involved. I'm doing the best I can to keep this shit from happening all the time, but technology is no longer on our side. If this were in my apartment, it'd be much easier to manage, and honestly, I'm tempted to just sign myself up for Comcast. Let me know what y'all think
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Thursday: Sucked. Nothing spectacular, just suckage. Well.. nothing except for the entirety of what remained of the latin class hitting on the substitute. Except for me, who just sort of felt vaguely sorry for her.
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Friday: Didn't suck quite so much. I had most of the 'problems' from wednesday worked out by then, so mostly I was just goofy. It was a long assembly that day for underclassmen voting and the first senior bbq, where Shannon and I pointed at Ryan until he noticed (and then some after), whereupon I drove Shannon, Maria, Ryan and Kiran to Wendy's for real burgers (instead of Cream of Meat that was being served at the bbq). While there, Kiran and Ryan pitched in to get me some food, since I was broke. Gas has gotten so expensive that I've had to ask for my allowance early these past few times around just to pay to get myself to my dad's and back. At $35 - $40 a tank, I'm definately going to have to start charging people for rides, or cut down on being nice c.c
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After school, I got sucked into AMC, then having Ryan, Andrew, Matt D., and Nicku over for Azumanga Daioh, olives, and Double Shots. I herded everyone out of the house by the time Shannon and my mom showed up, and we headed over to Tra Ling's for good/bad chinese food (it's oh so good, but how well can mexicans cook authentic chinese food?) and coffee with bobas, which I shot at people on the walk to AA. AA itself was fun, despite the fact that all we watched was Pokemon (imagine a group of thirty actively MST3King a bad anime). There was sketching and hacky sack.
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Saturday: I moped, then went out to coffee with Michael. We worked out a few more things, then decided, over pizza, that we would go see Kill Bill 2, which I thought was very good. I think we both thought it was good, since there was very little in the way of distractions.
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Today: I'm angry. I read the paper. Go figure. Mom made me plant some flowers and stuff, while being all patronizing and condescending about it. Supposedly, there's a concert later on, but I don't know what it's gonna be like. Whatever
Maybe this time I'll actually complete a Django site. Of course, I'll be stuck testing it on my laptop until I figure out what to do about a server. I've got a few options in mind. I'm still amazed at how useless JavaScript can be when you try to do everything (almost) in it. Oh well
Waiting on John so I can make my website live. The Django stuff is all done, the design's all done, I'm mostly prepped.. just need to populate the DB :
Yeah. Got the site all updated - my whole musical portfolio is on there now :3 Not much else, but hey, at least I got the embedded flash player working
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+ Zk | Wish list for cycling '08
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Zk | Wish list for cycling '08
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Everything that's in stock can be gotten at cost + 10%, so the prices won't be correct..
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$34.50CrankBrothers Smarty pedals - my Shimano PD-M520 pedals just aren't quite cutting it. The tension will not stay put, so I keep accidentally unclipping, but clipping in doesn't get any easier: I've fallen off the pedals while trying to clip in twice now and landed on the horn of the seat with my perineum.
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$41.98Specialized Taho Shoes - my Shimano Sport Road shoes are nice and stiff, which I like, but the velcro straps make it pretty hard to get my entire foot both secure and comfortable, nevermind just how LOUD the things are walking around clackclackclack
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$18.95Blackburn Quadrant/Mars 3 combo lights - My current headlight (stolen from Ryan) is alright, but on its way out. My rear headlight is okay, too, but another would make me feel better, what with being paranoid about riding at night..
So I updated the list to with prices and a few changes after dragging Shannon down to Loveland to visit the store. The total of stuff that I got prices on is about $130, which is a bit much, so maybe I'll leave some stuff out for now like the Aerobars. And get a helmet instead.
Wrote another Django app today. It's neat how a program can go from conception to tested and working in about 24 hours. Maybe I'm weird, but I like frameworks, in that they get out of your way. The part I dislike is just populating the database :oP
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So, if anyone's interested in a log-keeper (as in, logs of chats or online RP sessions), I'll post it somewhere, though it's nothing special. It's kinda geared towards furries, or at least fantasy settings, what with the 'species' attribute.
moondogdragon: HYPOTHETICALLY... If I were to be dating someone else from group, and you and they are both there. Shall I split my time between y'all or just one person has that day? or ignore them completely? ignore you? not really pay attention to either? or what?
+RannaFox: Hmm..
+moondogdragon: I've been thinking about it a few days so I've had time to make it as complicated a question as possible
+RannaFox: Hee.
+moondogdragon: ^_^
+moondogdragon: but I thought it was good for me to ask
+moondogdragon: basically... how should I act if my 2 mates are there at the same time?
+RannaFox: It's an odd situation.. I'd say ignore me, but then group's the only way I get to see you anymore (by the way, I have next friday off, if we want to do something), I'd say split it, but you'd need to discuss that with the other person, and I'd still feel bad for keeping you from them half the time. I'm not sure how paying equal attention to both would work..
+moondogdragon: neither would I
+moondogdragon: hmm...
+moondogdragon: I dont want you to feel like I'm abandoning you though
+RannaFox: I'd prefer not to feel that way either c.c
+moondogdragon: exactly
+moondogdragon: *sigh *
+moondogdragon: so complicated
+RannaFox: Yeah.
+moondogdragon: sorry for pulling you into this shit like this
+RannaFox: S'okie. Just kinda confusing.
+moondogdragon: this is why most polys only date other polys and not monogamists
+moondogdragon: lol
+RannaFox: Well, we didn't know when we started out. And I don't know, I might like poly..
+moondogdragon: I should ahve told you before we started out, and I don't know if you'd like it or not
+moondogdragon: you have to have little to no jelousy
+RannaFox: Jealousy is a vile emotion. I wish I were rid of it, but I can only change as fast as I live.
+moondogdragon: yeah I know
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Ranna: Hmm. Opinion. Moondog's polyamorous, and was asking about a hypothetical situation wherein she was dating someone else at group, and we were both there at once. I don't know how I'd feel about this.
+Jackal: I know how I'd feel. LOL
+Jackal: Then again, I'm selfish, you're not.
+Jackal: So uh...
+Ranna: throttles Telllll meeeee.
+Jackal: I dunnae. I always thought it would suck to be in love with a polyamorous person. I mean, they get to be like, "Oh hey! I have a crush on this person! I should date them", meanwhile, you sit in a corner and wonder when it'll be your turn while probably being jealous of the other person
+Jackal: I mean, it's relatively no stress upon the polyamorous. But for the other two, it could be horrible
+Ranna: Sounds like me.
+Jackal: At best, they'll have to constantly yearn for the subject's love and attention. Meanwhile, the polyamorous knows that both are basically their slaves
+Jackal: Ah well. That's one thing that I don't like. But that's me
+Ranna: I don't like it either, but I like Moondog.
+Jackal: That one person had good advice... set conditions.
+Ranna: Kris.
+Jackal: Personally, I would break up with the person. I would love them, yes, but I wouldn't want to be "one of their toys".
+Ranna: Merp, forgot you were there :o) Anyway, I did, and told Moondog, but the issue of both of us going to OASOS is a hard one.
+Jackal: Aye
+Jackal: You'll give yourself selflessly to him, and get a "dose" in return, knowing that the other would get the same?
+Jackal: Ack. Sorry... this is one of my pet peeves, apparently. LOL
+Ranna: It's one of mine too, but I don't know what else to do. The thought of breaking up crossed my mind, and the thought of matching him partner for partner crossed my mind, but that still wouldn't be fair to the others.
+Jackal: I dunno. I could only give you the advice to break up, because this kind of relationship could end up really hurting you. But that's my view
+Jackal: But if you really think about it... aren't most people "polyamorous"?
+Jackal: Supported by the main cause of divorce being "infedelity"...
+Jackal: Dunnae
+Ranna: I would be happy to live with 'cheating'. It's knowing about it that sucks, and it's being there with it that sucks squared.
+Jackal: Aye. I mean, you have crushes on others, right? But are you so uncaring of Moondog's love that you would bring them into the world you two have created? No, I doubt it.
+Jackal: Arrrrgh.
+Jackal: All I can say, if he fucks something up and gets you hurt, I'll be royally pissed.
+Ranna: You're welcome to be pissed, but no hurting.
+Jackal: Kei
+Jackal: sighs I'll stop bitching now. hehe
+Ranna: Thanks for your opinion, fuzzy.
+Jackal: No problem... sorry about the tirade lol
+Ranna: It's okay, just no hurting Moondog.
+Jackal: I wouldn't
+Jackal: I would just be pissed. No way to express it, just pissed I guess
+Ranna: I can understand that, just want to make sure.
+Jackal: I never want to hurt anyone in anger
+Jackal: Anyhoo. Besides that, wot's uuup?
+Ranna: Nuffin, really. Kinda hungry, but not sure what for. Kinda bored. Want company.
+Jackal: ;.;
+Jackal: Gives food?
+Jackal: I would offer company, except I don't have a car, it's late, and I would look lik e a stalker
+Jackal: XD XD
+Jackal: Um. Mind if I post my thoughts on polyamorous relationships in a non-personal way on my LJ?
+Ranna: Go ahead. I plan on telling Moondog that you and I talked, anyway.
+Jackal: Ah. You can post some of my comments if you want. LOL
+Jackal: Ah frick. Maybe I would hurt in anger. o.O;
+Jackal: Hides self in padded room
+Jackal: But I will keep my word!!
+Jackal: Can I hurt other people, though? :O
+Ranna: Like whooooo?
+Jackal: Dunnae
+Jackal: Just for future reference
+Jackal: XD
+Ranna: Hurt me, then I won't be hurt by Moondog anymore ^^
+Jackal: Huuuhhhh?
+Jackal: I wouldn't hurt you
+Ranna: I know c.c
+Jackal: lol
+Jackal: Oh man. If this is too vicious, I'm sorry
+Jackal: Edits a bit
+Jackal: Ack.
+Jackal: You can see if you want. I'm not sure how nice it is
+Ranna: Meep, was scrolled up, sorry. I'll look.
+Jackal: I'll edit if you want
+Ranna: You sound angrified.
+Jackal: I am. lol
+Ranna: Heh.
+Jackal: Okei. I must go.
+Jackal: I'll see you tomorrow! ^^
+Ranna: Byee...
+Jackal: Good luck with the discussion ;3
+Ranna: Mmhm..
+
MegaWolf pets Ranna, "Jealous?"
+Ranna mwrrps at pets, "Moondog's polyamorous and I'm not. Wouldn't be so bad, but he posed the question of what would happen if he were dating another person at a group we both attend regularly."
+Ranna's trying to figure out how to avoid jealousy.
+Jim says, "its not easy.. u.u"
+Ranna noticed :o)
+Kyhwana peers at Ranna "Hmm
+MegaWolf growls, "I can't help you there, I'm mentally incapable of understanding jealousy."
+You whisper, "Ranna wants your opinion anyway. Just talked to a friend who's downright pissed at the situation, needs another viewpoint." to MegaWolf.
+MegaWolf whispers, "MegaWolf nodnods, ears perked." to you.
+Kyhwana purrrs, "Try getting to know the other person as well?"
+You yerf, "I'm not sure I could handle that, considering who I think Moondog has in mind."
+You whisper, "Mrf. The other person's argument is "Jackal: You'll give yourself selflessly to him, and get a "dose" in return, knowing that the other would get the same?" I kinda agree with this, but I don't want to just drop a friggin' relationship.." to MegaWolf.
+Kyhwana hmms at Ranna "Then you're going to be jealous anyway? Wouldn't it be better to know the other person he's dating, and hopefully have something in common with them too?
+Tsuki purrs quietly, "you are suppose to have multiple physical/emotional relationships without the jealous, guilt and anger"
+MegaWolf whispers, "I think you need to talk to him about the whole polygamy thing. I don't agree with it personally, but in this day and age it's not something I can completely disagree with anymore. He could be testing you like my ex did, one of the multiple reasons he left me because I /didn't/ get jealous when he started seeing another guy at the same time." to you.
+You yerf, "I agree, Kyh, I'm just not sure I work that way."
+Kyhwana purrrs, "Then maybe you should stop dating Moondog?"
+Ranna stops trying to type a few things at once.
+You yerf, "That's an option, Kyh."
+You whisper, "The relationship hasn't been going on that long, so I'm not sure, but I don't think that'd be something Moondog'd do. He might whine, but I don't think he'd really 'test'." to MegaWolf.
+MegaWolf whispers, "Then if you're looking for something serious more than just someone to hang out with and spend time with, it sounds like he's not the one for you." to you.
+You whisper, "Ranna nods, that's what everyone's said so far.." to MegaWolf.
+Ranna will think about it.
+MegaWolf whispers, "Sorry foxy. Monogamous/polygamous doesn't usually make a good match." to you.
+You whisper, "Ranna nods, "Even Moondog admits that.."" to MegaWolf
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+ Zk | i thank you God for most this amazing day
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Zk | i thank you God for most this amazing day
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Early morning rides <3
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Also, sorry to those I freaked out at last night: there was a misunderstanding between me and James' auctioneer, and, as a result, I had to borrow some money to stay out of overdraft. It kinda pissed me off. A lot more than it should have, I guess. Oh well, the ride this morning helped. I should be getting more than a grand of the card paid off at the end of the month, which will feel good. I'll probably not buy everything on that list, but if I can get some of it and still stay above that thousand, I'll be happy :
This is probably the neatest thing I've read in a while. While they do mention that it's our habit to attribute more meaning than we really should, a lot of the conversations are, well.. really meaningful.
Inspired by my friend John, I thought I'd look into starting up a little business project of my own. It started with wanting to follow along in his footsteps and do my own recording business (or at least take over a portion of his recording business when he graduated), but soon branched out into the uninventively-named MJS Services. Recently, I got it into my crazy little head that I should go ahead and plan out each of the different parts of the business, so I cobbled together a business plan for the.. er.. publishing division. In LaTeX, no less :oP Oh well.
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I still think I should make it a business cooperative with each score as a sub-company that people buy shares in instead of buying licenses of a product :D:D:D *dumb
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+ Zk | Instructions for quitting a coffee habit.
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Zk | Instructions for quitting a coffee habit.
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Step 1 - Light coffee maker on fire.
+Step 2 - There is no step 2.
+Step 3 - Have a cup of tea
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+ Zk | Once more, with feeling.
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Zk | Once more, with feeling.
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Relisted my enlarger. Dunno what I'll do if it doesn't sell. Paper the town? More flyers in the art building, Alley Cat, photo shops? Want to liquidate this investment c.
So I made the drive down to Peloton today and picked up a pair of CrankBrothers Eggbeater SL pedals and a pair of around-town shoes. At first, though I liked a lot of the features of the pedals, I wasn't too impressed with some aspects when I used them with my road shoes. When I tried them with the new shoes, however, all of those problems disappeared. Reading some, it looks like there are different cleats you can get to use with road shoes so that you don't have any of those problems. I'll see how they are in a month, but right now, they get an A (no +, since it'd be great if they worked just straight up with my road shoes). The shoes are nice, too, though nothing too special. A little tight now, but I'm sure the padding will break in nicely.
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I'll be heading down to the shop again this weekend, maybe, to look into a few other little purchases
Profile Century Aerobars, Crank Bros. Eggbeater pedals (on both bikes, now), new shoes, road cleats for the old shoes, a Cateye light, and a Crank Bros. Speed Lever tire tool. My ride, it is now officially "pimp" :3<br clear="all"/
...was basically amazing. My choir did a runthrough and recording of one of my pieces, I made scones, I rode my bike around a lot, I decided that my aerobars make me feel like I'm riding a light cycle from Tron, someone who looked like a Canadian I know said hi to me, but I don't know who it was, and I saw Charles for the first time in FOREVER.
It's amazing out today. My aerobars are amazing. Those 22 miles were amazing. Seeing other bikers was amazing. Hell, the shower afterwards was amazing :D:D:D:D:D
I guess I'm going to go ahead and work on starting up this business - just got a very reasonably priced printer that can do what I need it to. Wish me luck :
It's been an expensive week, but.. well, I'm all set up now. MJS Publishing: sole proprietorship (soon to be a LLC), independent music publisher, helping to get composers started and all that jazz. Next comes site design, business loan, switch to LLC, start publishing, and advertise out the wazoo
+From left to right: the overacheiver who fails in all his relationships, the young fogey college kid who shaves with a straight razor, and the red-headed step-child no one really likes.
+More!
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+Yes, that's faux cork handle-bar wrap. Also, check out the awesome color scheme: seafoam green and white with black and gold text, not to mention tan-walled tires.
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+Check out the oldschool crankset that my pedals won't fit on!
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+The saddle that the bike came with. Yes, that's leather rivetted to metal. Hard as a rock, as it should be!
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+ Zk | Stuff for sale. Again.
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Zk | Stuff for sale. Again.
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Complete single-stage all-grain brewing kit: $250 OBO (includes: 6 gal. kettle, 6.5 gal. bucket fermenter w/ airlock, combined mash/lauter tun, floating thermometer, sparge bucket, spare bucket, immersion coil wort chiller, two 5 gal. kegs (soda type), single-lever adjustable bottler, two cases of amber bottles, a veritable library of brewing books and magazines and a fancy-pants mash paddle. Not included: ingredients, second-stage fermentor, bottle caps, CO2 setup for the kegs, a hydrometer, any cleaning chemistry needed, or any will to use any of this equipment.
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Roller-blades:$30 OBO - Rollerblade "Vapor" green/gray/black suede with laces and adjustable latch, missing one wheel-screw, size 11? Otherwise going to Play-it-Again.
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Skate trucks/wheels: $20 OBO - "XL" brand longboard trucks with brown wheels and 1" risers to lift the board and offer better steer. Otherwise going to Play-it-Again.
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Flatbed scanner: $30 OBO - HP 7400c flatbed scanner, for opaque artwork only (i.e.: negative scanner functionality's a little borked).
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Cameras: $5 Yashica Electro 35 GSN rangefinder that doesn't Electro anymore :oP Some free SLRs that don't interest me enough to fix up: plasticky Olympus and Pentax deals. Also, $10 for a P&S that my mom says is waterproof.
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Darkroom sundries: $30 OBO for the bundle - a decent easel, unopened pack of Ilford Multigrade 'Pearl' paper, plus a few sheets in a paper-safe, developing trays.
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Various computer parts: let me know what you need and I'll see what I have.
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I'm torn about it, but maaaaaaybe sometime soon or down the road... laptop: 15.4" MacBook Pro, 2GHz Core 2 Duo, 1GB ram, super drive, iSight, all the features that come with a previous-generation MacBook Pro with OS X Tiger. Small ding in the lid, battery doesn't work, so it'll need a new one
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+ Zk | Congee's my new favorite food.
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Zk | Congee's my new favorite food.
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It's true.
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Went to a party last night and got sick off the food (though I'm sure the alcohol helped - still, it wasn't drunk-sick) and had to have James drive me home. Battling stomach crap all day with rice and lots of liquids, along with a short (seven mile) ride to pick my car back up from the party house. Flb.
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More congee for dinner. I'll be sure to push it on Ryan, Merry & Co. when they're out here. :D:D:D:D:
Got some friends talking about me, wondering why I'm doing certain things. Well, that link pretty adequately describes why I'm no longer pursuing Music Education. Maybe next time you can ask me to my face, though :o
(11:13:44 AM) Ranna: Yook
+(11:13:49 AM) Shanerak: dap
+(11:21:15 AM) Shanerak: what's up?
+(11:23:48 AM) Ranna: Not a whole lot. Being lazy at work :3
+(11:23:49 AM) Ranna: You?
+(11:24:18 AM) Shanerak: same
+(11:24:19 AM) Shanerak: haha
+(11:26:04 AM) Shanerak: http://denver.craigslist.org/sls/609216423.html
+(11:26:05 AM) Shanerak: hmm
+(11:30:21 AM) Ranna: Should email them :3
+(11:30:28 AM) Ranna: At least show interest.
+(11:31:01 AM) Shanerak: yeah, I did already
+(11:31:10 AM) Shanerak: 30k a year is like 15+ an hour to start
+(11:31:12 AM) Shanerak: can't hurt
+(11:31:20 AM) Ranna: Exactly. Sounds good to me.
+(11:31:23 AM) Shanerak: yep
+(11:31:34 AM) Shanerak: I could slum it for a while, lol
+(11:31:42 AM) Ranna: Being in Boulder's a bit of a pain, but it's close enough. Finding an inexpensive place to live would be a bit of a bitch.
+(11:31:51 AM) Shanerak: well I'd live somewhere else
+(11:31:59 AM) Shanerak: like
+(11:32:02 AM) Shanerak: nederland :3~~~
+(11:32:08 AM) Shanerak: or westminster and commute
+(11:32:08 AM) Ranna: Doo iiiiiiit :D:D:D:D:D
+(11:32:13 AM) Ranna: Hehe
+(11:32:15 AM) Shanerak: we'll see
+(11:32:16 AM) Ranna: Superior.
+(11:32:21 AM) Shanerak: I'd rather find a job in st collins
+(11:32:25 AM) Shanerak: obviously :|
+(11:32:26 AM) Ranna: St. Collins :3
+(11:32:28 AM) Shanerak: lol
+(11:32:30 AM) Shanerak: ft
+(11:32:46 AM) Ranna: Well, yeah, but I like Boulder, too.
+(11:32:50 AM) Shanerak: werd
+(11:33:03 AM) Ranna: And if I get done with all but the one class, I can commute once a week, it's not that bad.
+(11:33:42 AM) Shanerak: werd
+(11:41:04 AM) Shanerak: working on pearl street again would be so nice
+(11:41:08 AM) Shanerak: and 9-6 awesome :o
+(11:43:43 AM) Ranna: Oh yeah.
+(11:43:54 AM) Ranna: The off days are a little weird, but oh well :3
+(11:43:55 AM) Shanerak: we'll see I guess
+(11:44:00 AM) Shanerak: nah those are good
+(11:44:06 AM) Shanerak: work three days, break, work days, break
+(11:44:29 AM) Shanerak: plus how long would I do it.. 2-3 years maybe
+(11:44:29 AM) Shanerak: at most
+(11:44:33 AM) Shanerak: brb
+(11:44:38 AM) Ranna: Heh, yeah
+(11:49:25 AM) Shanerak: that really is a damn good starting salary for sales
+(11:49:50 AM) Ranna: Yeah, I say go for it >:3
+(11:51:39 AM) Shanerak: I emailed
+(11:51:43 AM) Shanerak: I should call hmm
+(11:53:43 AM) Ranna: Did they send you a phone number? The ad said no calls.
+(11:53:53 AM) Shanerak: screw that
+(11:53:55 AM) Shanerak: i call anyway
+(11:53:56 AM) Shanerak: lol
+(11:54:14 AM) Ranna: Hehe, call the fax line?
+(11:56:50 AM) Shanerak: nah, google
+(11:56:54 AM) Shanerak: that went well :o
+(11:56:58 AM) Ranna: ?
+(11:57:04 AM) Shanerak: they said they don't really need someone until the end of the month
+(11:57:14 AM) Shanerak: and they're looking for people anyway, who are good for jewelry
+(11:57:22 AM) Shanerak: and he said well may-june is fine
+(11:57:33 AM) Ranna: \m/
+(11:57:37 AM) Shanerak: lol
+(11:57:51 AM) Shanerak: we'll see
+(11:57:56 AM) Shanerak: it's nice to be able to say
+(11:58:01 AM) Shanerak: "oh yeah ill be in town so and so"
+(11:58:19 AM) Ranna: Well, can you do an interview while you're out here?
+(11:58:44 AM) Shanerak: sure, if I did it on friday or something
+(11:59:18 AM) Shanerak: hell could even go thursday right before they close
+(11:59:26 AM) Shanerak: then you'll see me all dressed up :3
+(11:59:30 AM) Ranna: Haha, yeah :3
+(12:09:18 PM) Ranna: Damn. I thought I was over caring about homophobia :oP Guess it's different when it's your boss.
+(12:09:29 PM) Shanerak: yeah
+(12:09:36 PM) Shanerak: what happened now?
+(12:10:06 PM) Ranna: Fff. It's just all the time. Getting sick of it, makes me embarassed.
+(12:10:40 PM) Shanerak: well does he talk shit or
+(12:10:45 PM) Shanerak: does he know?
+(12:11:16 PM) Ranna: He doesn't know. He's pretty dense.
+(12:11:49 PM) Ranna: Oh well, screw him.
+(12:12:05 PM) Ranna: Heading home for lunch, so I don't spend any more money c.c
+(12:12:37 PM) Ranna: Lunch on the clock, awright.
+(12:14:06 PM) Shanerak: wer
Why did life suddenly take such a weird turn? My mom's turning into a Concerned Mother, my friends are showing odd sides over something they shouldn't be taking any sort of side over anyway, and Moondog and I are having serious but good discussions about things most couples can't keep a civil tongue about. I feel like withdrawing
I just keep writing stuff, I guess. My composition teacher seems to have given up, since I kinda.. you know.. got him fired. We're just finishing the semester up with more of a whimper than a bang. However, for my UDQE, I have to have three songs or 10 minutes of music to share and another 10 minutes of talking to do, but since most of my crap won't sound all that good rendered, I'm toying with ideas for piano (like the above link), because my piano's about all that -will- sound good, and my keyboard does a pretty good piano, so...
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Meanwhile, I'm part of the committee to interview the three candidates for my current teacher's replacement :3 There's some effin' brilliant composers out there
So.. none of you know him, but after sitting in my composition lesson today, Dr. Moody walked away humming one of my songs. I'm.. incredibly honored :
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+ Zk | Just in case y'all wanted to know...
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Zk | Just in case y'all wanted to know...
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These are my notes on the three applicants for the composition professorship to replace Dr. Wohl :3
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James S. (never got the chance to write down his last name)
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The first applicant was very intelligent, though it seemed like he spent more time being nice than on teaching. I'm sure that, given time, he would loosen up some in order to provide more constructive feedback and knowledge not couched in compliments. That said, of the three theory IV lectures, his was the most interesting and informative; I just didn't take a whole lot away from the lesson. As a side note, one thing I did like in particular was his comment on the goal of composition teachers shouldn't be to evangelize their music or style through their students.
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James David
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The second applicant was probably the most brilliant of the three, in my opinion, and this more than made up for his clear nervousness in class. In my lesson, he picked up my sheet of music and had clear and constructive advice within the second, which was one of the most impressive things I've seen in a while, and I someday hope to be able to take in music as completely after one glance in the future.
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Eric Richards
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I feel a little bad writing this, because this applicant was clearly very smart, but I had a problem in that he seemed to know just how smart he was. This came off in his teaching style particularly in lessons (I did my level best not to take the 'Well, tough!' joke personally, but it was difficult to ignore), but also in class, when he would disagree with an answer in a manner too 'chummy' to be associated with a professor. However, his comments and suggestions were well thought out and helpful.
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I preferred James David, the second applicant, above the other two. Although all three were very intelligent people, I think that I would learn the most from him due to his teaching style and my learning style meshing particularly well
They weren't fucking kidding when they said that the printer weighed 180 pounds with the pallet. Oh well, one step closer to starting the business
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+ Zk | Before I forget...
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Zk | Before I forget...
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A business idea:
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First, reserve $1,200 plus seek applicable grants(*)...
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"Celebrating composers and their art through One Year of Music"
+Twelve $100 + publishing contract prizes for composers - one per applicant; applications may apply towards more than one category, but only one category will be chosen if selected; all applications will be considered for publishing; no submissions will be considered applications unless stated as such.
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GLBT Composer (opt. name withheld)
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"Out of left field" non-major/non-professional composer
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Young composer - 21 or younger?
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Public school teacher composer?
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Non-caucasian composer
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Female composer*
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"Not just for girls" - men's choir piece
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Unique ensemble/unique use of exisiting ensemble
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Unique use of instrument - must be recognizably separate from ensemble (i.e. some extended solo passage in sprechstimme or something)
So, I'm trying to find a music video I saw forever ago that involved a whiteboard. All you can see for most of it is a hand holding a pen and drawing a line. Without picking up the pen from the whiteboard (and later, the wall), the hand draws faces, cityscapes, and other random stuff merging into one another. Eventually, in the last few seconds of the song, the camera pulls back, and the entire wall has turned into a fairly cohesive mural.
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Any ideas? :oP
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My new way of composing quickly goes against everything I'm being taught.
OW! Here's a tip, kids: don't torture yourself! Freakin'... Anyway.. apparently, I inherited IBS from my mom, which means occasional, incredibly painful, and oddly random tummyaches. Well, they would seem random, except that spicy food tends to bring them on. Spicy asian food like CURRY! Damnit.. the last three times this has happened has been the day (or morning) after I ate some wunnerful curry.
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THIS MAKES RANNA A SAD FOX.
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(Hee, notice the mood swings
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+ Zk | Further evidence of this supposed publishing company.
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Zk | Further evidence of this supposed publishing company.
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http://publishing.mjs-svc.com
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I plan on putting up some posters this week soliciting scores and whatnot from local composers :
It was suggested that I keep track of music stuff in a daybook, sort of like a diary, but more generalized, like a list of ideas. Well, since I do more than just music by necessity, my music stuff is kinda slim, so I'm just going to compile entries into weekly summaries. Hopefully I can keep this up, I guess it's constructive.
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With Andrew's visit, the beginning of the week was kinda slim pickings for music. I didn't really feel like writing or listening to much. As a result, this week was a continuation of the compositional dry-spell I've been in for most of April so far. The stress of school, my UDQE in particular, doesn't exactly help matters along, though.
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Later on, however, I did manage to throw together a little piece, 'Mirrors', which came about in much the same way as 'Tempest'. The piece is very reflective, as in each phrase is symmetrical, an additional level of mirroring being one line is overlapped over itself in retrograde in some phrases, along with the whole piece being mostly symmetrical. Part of the symmetry being incomplete overall was for ease of composing (which I'll get to in a second), but also for the rather pretentious idea that, when you see someone else's reflection in a mirror, you see just them, but when you look at yourself, there's tons more meaning attached.
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As for the compositional aspect of my one piece, I'm a little worried because it goes against most of what I'm being taught in lessons, as well as what I guess I'd call good practice. Like writing a paper, such things should have some element of planning done before-hand, but as with Tempest, I just started at the beginning and wrote until the end, utilizing copypasta techniques that I really should be avoiding. I'm not sure how I feel about this, though, it almost feels as if it's not really work, or at least not authentic work. I do go back and edit the resulting piece into something more coherent, at least.
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I noticed that I've been slacking on going to concerts, which I kinda need to graduate, so I've gone to a couple and reaffirmed my hatred of classical-era music. Two songs of note, however, were the brothers Jean-jean's Quattour pour Saxophones and Brahms' Sextet #2 in G, I. Allegro non troppo. Both of these little chamber pieces pretty much rocked my socks off, and I found recordings of both to study a little more in depth.
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It was with the Jean-jean piece that I discovered the reason people generally like to listen to music while high. It was as if someone kicked the synaesthesia up a notch - the bari sax felt so wonderfully brown and velvety while the soprano added sky blue, satiny accents. It was all quite wonderful.
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Plans for the upcoming week: study study study for the UDQE. I also may look into arranging 'Mirrors' for a mixed ensemble for an upcoming contest (Ithaca's 2008 Hecksher Composition Prize) - I'm thinking soprano sax, alto sax, violin, cello, marimba, and percussion (bass drum and snare drum).
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In other news... at what point should I become worried about a shoulder injury
I'm of the opinion that This stuff needs to be shared.
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In other news, Shostakovitch is pretty awesome.
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+I think it is clear to everyone what happens in the Fifth. The rejoicing is forced, created under threat, as in Boris Godunov. It's as if someone were beating you with a stick and saying, "Your business is rejoicing, your business is rejoicing," and you rise, shaky, and go marching off, muttering, "Our business is rejoicing, our business is rejoicing."</blockquote
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Mostly just proud of my CSS :3 I'll make the real site more interesting once I start needing it to sell stuff. Suggestions welcome :
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+ Zk | Let this be a lesson: Google is your friend from the BEGINNING.
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Zk | Let this be a lesson: Google is your friend from the BEGINNING.
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Frankly, I'm crushed.
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http://www.mjspub.com/
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EDIT: Unless y'all can help me think of something better, probably going with Matthew J. Scott Publishing. Seems pretty long, though.
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EDIT 2: Heeeelp meeeeee. Matthew. Joseph. Scott. Music. Publishing. GO
Went to feed John's cat today and decided, spurr of the moment, to head over to Foothills Unitarian on the way back, since I was just in time for the first sermon. I stopped going sometime last year after the activism got to be too much for me (guilt's useful, but only in certain quantities). Today, however, the sermon was particularly interesting. The subject was blasphemy in all of its aspects - from the inquisition to political blasphemy to social and academic blasphemy, anything that questions views that people hold sacred to themselves. Though the minister hinted at it, he didn't mention the sort of patriotic blasphemy that some Americans get so wound up in. I'd write something up about how some people take patriotism to near religious extremes, but I'd probably get accused of blasphemy :
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+ Zk | Upon re-reading the Celestine Prophecy
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Zk | Upon re-reading the Celestine Prophecy
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Reading The Celestine Prophecy again, this time with a much more critical eye than before, now that I've already digested it once, and I have to say.. boo. I'll have to pick it apart when I finish because, for all it says that's interesting, it says and does a whole lot more that drive me crazy having to dig through
18 straight hours of excal yesterday, followed by 13 hours of sleep.
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I feel funny.
+Now that I've woken up, a continuation.I had to get to school at 6, so I got up at 5ish, took a shower, and made my lunch. We had to go in our outfit, so I allowed myself plenty of time to change. Also, I needed to get some gas, so I did.
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+The busride there was.. uneventful. Most people goofed around, a few people slept, and I stared out the window. We got there in time to run to the UNC Jazz Choir concert, directed by a former Excal member. after that, we went to our room to watch a few groups and see what the clinicians were talking about for a while before we headed to our warm-up room to do the obvious.
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+Best perfomance EVAR.
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+The rest of the day was spent wandering around to see other groups and being stalked by a cute - in a punky, sort of gothy way - drummer named Tobias (I like that name). The girls and I liked him c.c Dinner was at fast-food row: two blocks of fast food joints. Mm.
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+Finishing the day was a FREAKIN' AWESOME concert by Kurt Elling. Goddamn, it was cool.. Busride back was spent talking with Stephy P., who is also freakin' awesome, but not with caps. She's just not quite Kurt Elling. Sorry Steph.
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+Anyway, appologies for the berevity, but I both don't want to write about it now, and need to run to FHS to drop off chocolate.
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+"All of Time at Once"
+- § -
+ "A driver after my own heart." I muttered to myself. I'd taken to talking to myself while driving to help me keep the more drastic emotions to a minimum. I've been working on reducing the negative comments in favor of more positive ones - make your drivers happy drivers! - and with this utterance, I was praising a slightly battered Jeep that was driving at my usual, comfortable two miles above the speed limit: I was neither gaining on him, nor was I lagging behind, so I forgot about him and set about losing myself in the music. I have a love-hate relationship with Prokofiev.
+ My happy driving, however, was soon interrupted by an emergency signal from the truck in front of me. Looking to its rear window for an explanation, I was rewarded with the shadowy figure of the driver inside gesturing repeatedly for me to pull over. Fearful that the Jeep might be some sort of undercover cop, I complied quickly, and was soon stopped behind the Jeep on the soft shoulder of a fairly empty highway 93. Admittedly creepy, but I was supposed to be kind, wasn't I? I was supposed to help.
+ The guy who was in the truck clambered out slowly and walked towards my Pathfinder, his hands facing palm up at his sides in a disarming gesture.
+ "Hello, friend!" I heard him say as I rolled down the window. "I wasn't as smart as I usually pretend to be, and I'm nearly out of gas. Think you could lend me some? If you follow me to the gas station, I'll fill your tank, too."
+ I blinked - there was an interesting request. I looked closely at the man, who introduced himself as Nicholas - "But you can call me Nick." - in hopes of finding something of his intentions. His honest face and, I thought, striking resemblance to me assuaged any fears and I nodded to the request. Boulderites were supposed to be nice. Anyway, I'd just that morning put an extra can of gas in the back of my truck, promising myself never to let my tank get as low as it had the last time.
+ We set about getting him ready to go. Through polite chatter, I learned that he was just moving back to Boulder after a leave of absence and he learned that my name was Joseph. I mentioned earlier that people from Boulder tended to be friendly (and liberal, and new-age...), but the way Nick was opening up, he must've lived there quite a long time. I didn't exactly mind, but I wasn't quite yet on the same level as him.
+ By the time we finished emptying my can of gas into his dusty truck, I'd agreed to let Nick pay me for the gas in the can and the quarter tank's worth needed to fill my truck (mostly because I was broke), and, addicts that we both were, we agreed to stop by at a nearby coffee shop afterwards, since neither of us had anything to do afterwards.
+ Our discussion moved onto current events over two mochas, mine with a shot of peppermint in it (trendy, but tasty). We'd tried talking about ourselves, to be friendly, but we mostly ended up just skirting interesting details and pretending to reveal secrets. By silent agreement, we decided that neither of us knew each other well enough to continue on such a subject, so we moved onto something more neutral.
+ "They say that, since he pled insanity, even though he pled guilty to rape, they're going to charge her with prostitution." Nick was saying. "It's like they're taking the 'asking for it' argument to a new extreme: having insane people rape you is your fault or something."
+ "That's... stupid," I said slowly, feeling fairly stupid myself. "You'd think they'd have some common sense about these things." My mind was moving slow, like it does when you've not had any sleep the night before. I wasn't tired, I was just thinking with all the speed of a bottle of molasses. Of course, that didn't stop my elitist emotions from riling up against the stupidity of a nation.
+ The conversation continued much along the same lines through the two mochas we each had, until we decided to go our separate ways. I was thinking that I'd have to stop and give people gas more often, if it would always lead to meeting someone, when Nick called across the top of his car over at me, "See you next week?"
+ I agreed.
+- § -
+ Nick and I have been meeting about once or twice a week for a solid year now. Not much has really changed. Well, sure, many things have changed - I'm a sophomore in college now, and he found a good job working at a local ISP - just that, between us, not a whole lot has evolved. We've grown more comfortable about sharing more personal things with each other, but current events are still the number one topic at our meetings. He's a good, consistent friend.
+ Another thing that hasn't changed is the slow feeling I get while around him. It's progressed a bit, perhaps, and it feels a bit like déjà vu now. I've pondered seeing someone about it, but I'm not sure whom I would see. It's a physical feeling, but the cause, being around Nick, is so specific that it sounds psychological. Nick says just to ignore it, and that he's felt the same thing about others, and that things turned out fine. He then proceeded to joke that it may be love.
+ No, things haven't really changed for us, but the world around us has. Our recent conversations have spanned across topics in the news ranging from the sudden resurgence of a cappella pop music among college students to recent NASA disasters, from more absurd crimes to new follies of the res publica.
+ One current scandal was over the growth of interest in magic. The physicists said no, the metaphysicists said maybe, and the media happily embraced it while conservative religious groups around the world denounced it angrily before going on to practice their own brand of mysticism.
+ Most notable in this movement was a group calling themselves 'The Mentats;' capital M on Misnomer. Seems a guy named Clarke, one of those Doctors that makes you wonder if some universities really do just hand out degrees, had a good couple hundred people convinced that the type of magic he professed to be able to really 'do' was real, and that they too could practice it before long. He had been quietly disappeared after a while, though, and had left behind his group to do as they would.
+ Unfortunately for the world, the Mentats weren't just a cult, and, however subtle, their 'magic' was real (real being a slippery, subjective term in itself; I just use it to mean with visible results, never mind the process). Unfortunate, as I said, because the world just wasn't quite ready for this - the understatement of the universe - and soon the Mentats had been laughed down, beaten down, and had willingly gone down into the underground of society, spreading ties as any normal cult would.
+ On to the important thing, though: sushi. A once-every-few-months type of deal, Nick and I went to a nice, modern sushi restaurant. The chairs were uncomfortable, the place was noisy and poorly lit, but the sushi was excellent and, as an added bonus, there was a small, flowing stream of water running in a shallow-cut trench in the bar. No fish, though.
+ "So, what do you think of this whole Mentat thing?" Nick asked. He had caught me right as I had neatly fit a piece of a tempura roll in my mouth. He was an expert at that.
+ I finished the tasty morsel and leaned back, trying to think of a tactful reply. "I think it was poorly done. I mean, that Clarke guy had the right idea, train a few in case something got him, but distributing the documents on the internet just made the governmentals more edgy. They don't like stuff done for free like that, they're capitalists. Besides, it would've been awful if they'd decided to do the oppression thing," ever ready to expound my opinion as truth, was I.
+ Nick nodded sagely, but I hazarded a random question, anyway. "Why? Are you a Mentat?"
+ This got a chuckle out of him, and he said before he went back to eating, "I don't look for signs, they don't prove anything." Great, a non-answer.
+ Eating seemed like a pretty good idea, so I shrugged and left the subject alone. I'd remember to ask him later that night. In actuality, I asked him the next week, as I'd forgotten. This is what convinced me of the reality of what the Mentats were doing. Never mind what actually happened, the process isn't what's important, only the result, and the result was that I was convinced, for better or for worse.
+- § -
+ This time, things have changed. A whole lot has happened in a year. It's now been about two since the faithful day I stopped to lend a stranger some gas, and that stranger and I have grown closer. I've promised myself not to say the 'R' word, but perhaps I must: I'm beginning to think of Nick as a romantic interest. Eugh. Romance; it makes me feel like I'm in high school again, and that's not a good feeling. That dreaded word has haunted me throughout my life. Whenever I had a 'romantic interest' with a girl, it never lasted more than a few months as said girl learned more about me (or I learned more about her), and whenever I had such an 'interest' in a boy, I ended up either having to hide it from people I knew, or he did, making things rather difficult.
+ I have better things to talk about than my love life, though, and I'm straying from them, so I'll do as Nick and I do, and shift my rambles to current events. The Mentats were in the news again, this time with more surprises. There had been a minor but successful revolution wherein the Mentats, who had grown by a surprising amount, had basically just come out as a church and declared themselves that legally. There had been a few short squabbles about it, but, since it became a matter of religion, it was soon left alone except for the standard name-throwing engaged in by other religious groups
+ The press had taken this fairly well, and it just got an objective column on the front page, at least in the local paper. A good half of them were Mentats, anyway; they had spread further than some might like to think. Once again, the process wasn't nearly as interesting as the results. Small, subtle acts of the Mentats' magic only made the news for the first few weeks, but after their 'repertoire' was shown to be rather limited, they papers stopped reporting on them. It wasn't so much of a sensation anymore.
+ I, personally, didn't care all that much. From what I'd seen, the Mentats had taken fairly understandable things and wrapped them in a mythos and collection of ceremonies to make it more palatable. It seemed cheap to me, no matter what they could do.
+ Perhaps part of the reason for my complacency is that, since I've moved in with Nick (I forgot to mention; I'm a junior now, and I was getting tired of living in the student housing), the slowness and déjà vu have gotten progressively worse. Yet I still hold off on seeing anyone, lest I become the object of scrutiny; not everyone has taken to complacency like I was. I'm still doing fine with school and everything, as when I'm working, the feeling pretty much gets pushed to the back of my mind. I'm thinking it'll go away when it's ready.
+ Anyway, I was studying for midterms and Nick was lounging on the patio when our collective life was changed. The knock on our door startled me from my notes, and it was with a disgruntled attitude that I answered the door to a tall man, sharply dressed, who looked like he was prematurely balding. Some sort of high level type Mentat, most likely.
+ "Hello," said he. "You are Joseph Stringer." It wasn't a question as much as it was a statement of the truth (an annoying habit of the more advanced Mentats), so he kept on talking, "Nicholas Joseph Stroud is out on the porch. I wish to talk with you both."
+ The man was frightening, so I nodded, swallowed dryly and led him out to the porch where we took a seat next to Nick. Nick himself hardly acknowledged our presence, he just kept staring out from the porch over into the park next door. It was an eternity before anyone spoke: I was too confused to, the Mentat was content to sit five years in that one spot if need be, and Nick was clearly reflecting on something. Nevertheless, he was the first one to break the silence, "Hello, Dr. Clarke." I blinked and looked stolidly at the large, balding man. I had a headache. "I've been feeling worse. It's about time, isn't it?"
+ Then, in the most emotion I think I've ever seen an advanced Mentat exude, Clarke sighed. "You know what will happen. I just wished to let you know how soon, so that you may prepare yourself." If Nick became an advanced Mentat, I probably would go insane, having to live with him. "Do you mind if I leave from here." Another statement. He left. I suppose the brevity comes with the lack of emotion.
+ I don't remember much for a while after that. I think I went to lie down, because that's what I was doing when I started remembering again. Nick crept into my darkened room quietly and sat down on the edge of the bed. Once more, there was an eternity of silence, which, once again, Nick broke.
+ "Do you know what is happening?"
+ I shook my head.
+ "Well, while the Mentats were finding out what they could do, one of them hypothesized time travel. They never tried it until a few days ago, when the sent a mouse back a few minutes. They're going to send something else back soon…" he trailed off.
+ With my mind moving as slow as cold honey, it took me about five minutes before I figured out what Nick was talking about. When I did finally understand, I could barely speak, and the first few times I tried came out as croaks. Eventually, I eked out, "Me?"
+ Nick nodded, "You. Are you seeing what's happened? They sent you back, and then you became me…"
+ I felt my mind clearing slightly as I had this problem to think about. I sat up in bed and eyed myself: Nick. Always a fan of science fiction, I had to ask, "But… wouldn't that be a paradox?"
+ "Not necessarily," said Nick. "You'll see it clearly when they send you back, but I'll try to explain. Time wouldn't let anything bad come of it ; if you go back in time, it's just like walking backwards: you go backwards, and there you are. If you meet yourself, as I met you, you've changed, because your time flowed forward at a different time as mine, and your experiences have changed you. That bull about the same atoms occupying the same space at the same time has the same possibility of happening as of you finding the gaps between the atoms in a wall and walking right through it."
+ I laughed as I pictured someone sliding back and forth along a wall to find the gaps. I lay back down and stared up at the ceiling as the laugher faded. My perception of reality was falling apart. I closed my eyes and remembered the past two years. My brain had tricked me. It had seen the truth behind Nick from the beginning, but it refused to acknowledge that such was true until it was confirmed. Now that it had been confirmed, I felt like I was merging with myself - Nick - who stretched out beside me. I thought of how I felt about him/me, and blurted out that I loved him/myself, even if he/I already knew.
+ "I know." He laughed, which made me blush, and continued, "It's the ultimate in narcissism, isn't it? When the Mentats ran through their records in search of someone to send back, they were searching for someone who was just a bit naïve and had good self esteem. If they hadn't done that, there would be a good chance that, even though the two had met up, they might hate each other's guts."
+ I nodded and gave me a hug, since it seemed like I needed it. I'm going to let me have my pen now so I can finish writing my story, as I don't think I can keep going. I'm rather tired, even if I'm not, and I think I should let me sleep, as I have a big event ahead of me. I think I'll have myself sleep with me tonight, though, as I need to be alone with my thoughts.
+- § -
+ Joseph gave me his pen, turned over and fell asleep immediately. Reading what he'd written brought back many, many memories, several of which he recorded. I won't add any more, he covered enough.
+I don't think he'll want to write any more in the morning than he did just now, so I'll explain what will happen to him.
+ His slowness and déjà vu feelings will increase right up until they send him back, when he'll feel that his head is about to explode. Then, when he's being sent, the feelings will abruptly stop.
+Being sent is the most relaxing thing you could ever have happened to you after those feelings. Like Steven King's The Jaunt, "it's forever in there," but the end result isn't nearly the same (i.e. you don't go insane, nor do you grow any older). You have an eternity to spend examining time laid out before you.
+ All of time at once is a beautiful thing. Words can't describe it, because none of the five senses experience it. You can sense your own track, your own destiny through time, and everyone else's independently. You're spread out across all of eternity as you fall toward the infinitely small point of your destination in time.
+ As he takes forever to instantaneously snap back into reality, he will understand who Time is: Time is kind, but strict. Time will bend the rules to let him back in, but Time will give him the headaches. I still have mine. I suspect they will go away when Joseph does. I also suspect that Time will pretend Joseph never was, but that Time will let my memories of the past two years stay; it's not the process that matters, so much as the result.
+ As for what happens to Joseph after, you already know that. Me, I think I'll become a writer; the Mentats will take care of me for my 'service to humanity,' and I suspect Time will be kind enough to let me live quite a bit longer. I've always wanted to be a writer. I'll use a pseudonym, though. I'm rather fond of Nicholas.
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+ Zk | Making things awkward, one post at a time.
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Zk | Making things awkward, one post at a time.
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Took this thing out of curiosity. Whups. It's probably a little bit skewed with some duplicate friends and me watching myself on a few journals. Doesn't change the fact that I'm a terrible person.
+Slut.
+EDIT: Redefined 'made out with' as 'fooled around with'. Of course, this doesn't include those not on LJ c.c
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Man, publishing choral music sucks. To get permission to use a text, it took two and a half weeks for W. W. Norton to send the contract, and only NOW do I find out that there's a $100 filing fee and they take up to 30% of my profits (not to mention two free copies of the score). In order to not get personally destroyed in case someone messes up, I have to set up as an LLC, $175 plus $90/year. Nevermind the $100 I need to spend on dual licensing from ASCAP x.x
A room, wide open and brightly lit by picture windows along one wall houses all that is needed for a compositional workspace. The walls are white, with wall-hangings and a few pictures added here and there to liven the place up a little without distracting from it. On one wall is a whiteboard with a few colored markers on it. The whiteboard has four staves marked on it with narrow strips of black electrical tape, good for scribbling quick ideas down as they come. In front of the picture windows is an architect's drafting table set fairly high with a tall, armless swivel-chair in front of it. In the tray are several pens, a few weighty mechanical pencils with different color leads in them, erasers, and a marker or two. On one side of the table is a stack of wire baskets with different sized pieces of staff paper, a few pads of post-it notes, and some lined paper to take notes on and tape to the masonite boards. The wire baskets sit on top of a two-high set of filing drawers filled with random things. Next to the drawers, a keyboard sits on a stand with speakers and a small sound-system below it. On the other side of the table is a tall desk with a tower computer and a dual-monitor setup, with a MIDI cable being run under the tray of the drafting table to the keyboard and sound being run to the sound system. Behind the desk sits a table with a large laserjet printer on it, holding 11"x17" paper, legal paper, and letter paper. On the end of the desk is a hand-made rack holding several large pieces of masonite board, each labeled with a piece of masking tape folded over around an edge. The boards can be set on the drafting table, and on each is a different project: a sheet of butcher paper covers the surface of the board to allow writing anywhere on it, with scraps and sheets of idea-filled staff paper and post-it notes taped on in such a way as to allow one to graphically connect ideas by drawing a line between them. This way, one can switch between projects easily by just swapping out masonite boards - when one is done with a project, the bucher paper can be taken off and rolled up to be put in a mailing tube for storage. A hand-made wood and cloth folding screen sections off this 'studio' - the wood is stained almost black with the cloth remaining white except for a few stylized drawings of bamboo along the bottom edge.
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I was originally planning on just hanging the butcher paper from the wall and working there, but Shannon lent me a piece of masonite, so I came up with that idea and switched to a staff-lined whiteboard.
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Post your own ideal workspace or studio. It's a meme now :
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+ Zk | Another music post.
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Zk | Another music post.
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But this time it's my own music. Finally got a Good Recording of the choir singing I Live My Life
</a
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You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.
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+by Kacey Miyagami
+<img src="http://publishing.mjs-svc.com/tetrad-music_logo-side.png"/
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