update from sparkleup
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<p>The next few days passed in relative peace. There were no fights between the two skunks, and while, at least once a day, they set up a cone of silence to talk about whatever it was that True Name had discussed that first time, there were no more instances of May falling apart or True Name wearing herself out quite so badly. The discussions sounded serious, and never quite friendly, but ey was at least somewhat happy to see the two cocladists talking without quite so much ire between them.</p>
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<p>May wasn’t the only one, either. At one point, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself and one of her up-tree instances, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress visited to talk with True Name. Both were far more earnest in their affection to her, which she seemed to welcome with a sense of cautious relief. Ey supposed it made sense, given A Finger Pointing’s habit of making friends with everyone she could.</p>
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<p>Ey’d only met Slow Hours once prior and, while she was just as friendly as her down-tree instance, she also seemed somewhat removed from the world as a whole, as though seeing just a little more than everyone around her. “Clairvoyance,” A Finger Pointing had whispered to em after that meeting. “She has the outline of the world.”</p>
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<p>They’d talked for nearly three hours that afternoon, breaking only to get more water part way through. When they were finished, True Name looked wrung out, though not unhappy. A Finger Pointing mostly looked confused and concerned while Slow Hours kept her faraway, nearly delphic smile.</p>
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<p>Ey’d only met Slow Hours once prior and, while she was just as friendly as her down-tree instance, she also seemed somewhat removed from the world as a whole, as though seeing just a little more than everyone around her. “Clairvoyance,” A Finger Pointing had whispered to em after that first meeting. “She has the outline of the world.”</p>
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<p>They talked for nearly three hours that afternoon, breaking only to get more water part way through. When they were finished, True Name looked wrung out, though not unhappy. A Finger Pointing mostly looked confused and concerned while Slow Hours kept her faraway, nearly delphic smile.</p>
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<p>Curiouser and curiouser. Ey’d always pictured A Finger Pointing’s stanza as one of the more liberal ones, and had early on noticed that the liberal Odists had largely distanced themselves from the more conservative ones. To have two of them specifically drop by to visit True Name was quite surprising.</p>
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<p>The most curious thing, though, had to be May.</p>
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<p>It wasn’t just that all the work she’d put into her feelings about her cocladist had seemingly paid off — other than a few tense moments, mostly silent, she was at worst distant and at best willing to hold conversations with True Name about a limited set of topics — but that even in those tensest moments, she seemed to at least want to do something. Whether it was out of an earnest desire to improve True Name’s life or to simply get this situation over with seemed to vary depending on her mood.</p>
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<p>“You’ve said you spend most of your time working interacting with your instances, yeah,” Ioan said. “I imagine it’s been pretty quiet.”</p>
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<p>“Yes. My instances, some up-tree cocladists, instances of Jonas, those of my…friends.” The last word sounded almost bashful for reasons ey couldn’t place. She shrugged and continued, “And now I am without all of those. No instances, none of my up-tree cocladists are responding, I do not wish to speak with Jonas for obvious reasons, and the relationships I have with my friends are all bound up in that.”</p>
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<p>May nodded. “I do not know if we are the ideal company for you, given our interests, but at least we can try, I suppose.”</p>
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<p>“For which I am endlessly appreciative,” True Name nodded. “Though I do still miss routine. Good company and productive company do not necessarily overlap.”</p>
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<p>”‘<em>Productive</em> company’?” May frowned.</p>
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<p>“For which I am endlessly appreciative,” True Name confirmed. “Though I do still miss routine. Good company and productive company do not necessarily overlap.”</p>
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<p>”‘<em>Productive</em> company’?”</p>
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<p>“You are very nice to be around. Both of you. It is productive for my mental health, perhaps, and nice to be able to rest, but it is not what I <em>do</em>, May Then My Name. This is not who I am. I am not one to crash at her friends’ place, however pleasant they may be.”</p>
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<p>Ioan could feel an argument brewing. What True Name was saying very likely was true: this wasn’t who she was as a person, and now she had been knocked into some new setting. Ey suspected May knew that, even. Ey could see the skunk working on keeping an open expression, despite her cocladist’s indelicate wording. Still, there was a thin line to be crossed, and they were edging closer.</p>
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<p>“Well, it’s better than being assassinated, right?” ey said, trying to lighten the mood.</p>
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<p>“Sorry, probably still a bit too soon.”</p>
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<p>“Perhaps. I would rather be alive here than not alive at all, but it is not an ideal situation for any of us, I think, yes?”</p>
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<p>May averted her gaze, but nodded all the same.</p>
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<p>“My apologies, you two,” True Name said with a hint of a bow. “I am restless and anxious. I do not want to meet with Jonas. I do not want to stay in hiding. I do not want to go back to being overworked, but I am unhappy having no work. Call it an addiction, if you will, but I am nothing if I am not True Name.” She bared her teeth and, as she continued, her words came faster, hotter, more frustrated. “And why should I not be? I have worked hard to become myself. That I am what I am and unrepentant of that is perhaps a disappointment to many, but it means more to me to stick to what I believe to be true than to–“</p>
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<p>“My apologies, you two,” True Name said with a hint of a bow. “I am restless and anxious. I do not want to meet with Jonas. I do not want to stay in hiding. I do not want to go back to being overworked, but I am unhappy having no work. Call it an addiction, if you will, but I am nothing if I am not True Name.” She bared her teeth in a bitter sneer and, as she continued, her words came faster, hotter, more frustrated. “And why should I not be? I have worked hard to become myself. That I am what I am and unrepentant of that is perhaps a disappointment to many, but it means more to me to stick to what I believe to be true than to–“</p>
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<p>“True Name,” May said, interrupting the other skunk’s tirade. “Wait.”</p>
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<p>Wrong footed, True Name frowned. “What? Why? I do not–“</p>
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<p>May held up her paw, a brief glance at the ceiling hinting at a sensorium message elsewhere.</p>
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<p>Ioan frowned as well. Intuition told him the discussion they’d had earlier was quickly beyond hypothetical. “May, are you sure–“</p>
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<p>True Name jolted upright in her seat on the couch. “What the fuck is–“</p>
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<p>“Accept it,” May said, and ey could see the full force of all her centuries of earnestness focused her cocladist; earnestness, kindness, the right tone, the perfect cant of ears and bristle of whiskers, all of it fine tuned to show True Name just what she needed to see. “It will only help, True Name.”</p>
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<p>“Accept it,” May said, and ey could see the full force of all her centuries of earnestness focused her cocladist; earnestness, kindness, the right tone, the perfect cant of ears and bristle of whiskers, all of it fine tuned to show her just what she needed to see. “It will only help, True Name.”</p>
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<p>Her face contorting with the strain of holding what must be a very large high priority merge at bay without either remembering or forgetting it, True Name gasped. “May… May Then… Why…”</p>
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<p>May’s expression softened further, picking up a hopeful smile. “Please, my dear. I think you need this. I think we <em>all</em> need this, if we are to move forward, if you are to be able to move past what Jonas wants of you. Please accept. Please.”</p>
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<p>True Name nodded shakily, attempted a dry swallow, and then let End Waking’s centuries of memories crash into her.</p>
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<p>“Fuck,” May whispered.</p>
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<p>“What just happened?”</p>
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<p>“One moment,” she said, waving away the spilled water so that she could kneel by the couch. There was a moment’s hesitation before she brushed some of the skunk’s longer head fur away from her face. “Can you close your eyes?”</p>
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<p>When True Name didn’t respond, didn’t move, May gently brushed her paw down to close them for her. She leaned closer, whispering a few more questions ey could not hear to the skunk, though there was still no response.</p>
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<p>After lingering a moment longer, she stood shakily, took Ioan’s hand in her paw and led em to the balcony. As soon as the door shut behind them, she burst into tears.</p>
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<p>When True Name didn’t respond, didn’t move, May gently brushed her paw down to close them for her. She leaned closer, whispering a few more questions ey could not hear, though there was still no response.</p>
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<p>After lingering a moment longer, she stood shakily, took Ioan’s hand in her paw and led em to the balcony despite the cold. As soon as the door shut behind them, she burst into tears.</p>
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<p>Ey guided her carefully to the bench swing to sit her down, letting her cry herself out against eir shoulder.</p>
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<p>“I am sorry, my dear,” she said when she could speak again at last. “Really, truly sorry.”</p>
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<p>Ey shook eir head, kissing her atop the head. “You don’t need to apologize to me. Is she alright?”</p>
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<p>“Can you explain what happened, at least?”</p>
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<p>She nodded, swallowing down that wave of tears as best she could. “We are good at forking and merging. Very, <em>very</em> good at it. I am pretty sure you know that, though.”</p>
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<p>“Did something go wrong, then?”</p>
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<p>“End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half, not since Michelle quit, and all she had to do then was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.”</p>
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<p>“End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half, even when Michelle quit, all she had to do was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.”</p>
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<p>Eir frown deepened. Ey thought ey could tell where this was going. “Aren’t those usually just when memories don’t line up, though?”</p>
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<p>May gave the barest hint of a shrug against em. “You have met her, and you have met him. Their viewpoints are almost diametrically opposed, yes?”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded.</p>
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<p>“Viewpoints are built atop a collection of memories. That they can share so many memories and yet have such different outlooks on the world and their actions is a subtler, but trickier sort of merge conflict.” She paused, took a deep breath, then continued slowly. “I pressed her to accept because I knew that she would accept the merge as smoothly as she always does if there was external pressure. She merged blithely and took on 156 years of End Waking all at once. All of his memories. All of his penance. All of his loathing for what he did, what she was so proud of.”</p>
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<p>“And it was too much?” ey asked.</p>
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<p>Her face screwed up again as she nodded. “I nuh-never wanted t-to hur-hurt her,” May stammered as the tears started to flow once more.</p>
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<p>Her face screwed up again as she nodded. “I nuh-never wanted t-to hur-hurt her,” she stammered as the tears started to flow once more.</p>
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<p>Ey got eir arms around her again and held her close. A quick glance through the windows showed that True Name still lay on the couch, breathing shallowly.</p>
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<p>“May, I want to ask you something,” ey said, once she had calmed down. “And…well, I think it’ll probably make you cry again, but I want to make sure we stay open about this. Is that okay?”</p>
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<p>She whined quietly, but nodded all the same.</p>
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<p>Ioan backed slowly out of the room, sliding the door shut quietly behind em. May sounded on the verge of tears once more, but, of all the things ey was not supposed to fix, perhaps least able to fix, this certainly felt like the top of the list.</p>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-21</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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<p>The rest of the time, May was out with em, almost always as close as she could be, whether that was tucked in against eir side on the beanbag, hugging around eir middle from behind while ey cooked, or, at one point, requesting em to sit on the floor outside the bathroom while she showered, just so that she could talk and, in her words, feel eir presence.</p>
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<p>The mood throughout remained somewhere between anxious and remorseful.</p>
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<p>That evening, True Name requested that they eat dinner out at the lake rather than at home, saying, “I am feeling too cooped up by walls and yet more walls.”</p>
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<p>Ey supposed it made sense, now that she had the competing memories of End Waking and however many personality traits that came with. He had only visited Ioan and May a scant handful of times, and then always out in the yard, seeming uncomfortable whenever they remained indoors.</p>
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<p>Ey supposed it made sense, now that she had the competing memories of End Waking and however many personality traits that came with. He had only visited Ioan and May a scant handful of times, and then always out in the yard, always refusing to go indoors.</p>
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<p>So, they packed up a simple dinner of sausages, zucchini, and potatoes to cook and stepped out to the lake.</p>
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<p>The tents were still set up and the second bundle of firewood remained untouched, leaning against one of them, so Ioan and May watched as True Name tiredly built and lit the fire. She left them sitting on one of the logs before it, watching the flames go from fast and loud to something quieter and hotter, while she disappeared up the hill into the forest. She returned some time later with a bundle of arm-length sticks, all nearly as straight as dowels, which she built into a spit on which they could roast the sausages while the potatoes baked near the coals of the fire. It was all done with a practiced ease from hundreds of years of memory.</p>
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<p>The food was pleasantly smokey and well cooked, though otherwise unseasoned. True Name remarked on this part way through the meal, saying, “If you call the food bland again, May Then My Name, I will call you lame again.”</p>
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<p>May sniffled and looked off toward the lake in the deepening evening.</p>
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<p>“I understand what you were trying to do, May Then My Name. I understand why you planned that, how you managed to talk us both into it, and what you hoped to get out of it, but <em>you</em> must understand that what you did was set two existences within me. One was set on goals that I believed in — <em>still</em> believe in — while the other regrets everything that made me me.” The skunk’s voice sounded far more tired than angry, enough to keep May from winding up in tears again, though she did set her food aside. “I do not think that End Waking believed in anything. His life was spent un-believing that which he was, which we were.”</p>
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<p>“What does that leave you, now?”</p>
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<p>“I do not know yet, Ioan. It makes me too full of being, of time to be just one thing. It will likely take me several days to settle into…something. To settle into myself, whatever that means.”</p>
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<p>“I do not know yet, Ioan. It makes me too full of being, of time, to be just one thing. It will likely take me several days to settle into…something. To settle into myself, whatever that means.”</p>
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<p>They fell into silence again while Ioan and True Name finished their food and May looked down at her paws or into the fire.</p>
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<p>“Thank you for joining me out here. I am both glad to be outdoors and intensely uncomfortable sitting on a fucking log,” she said, smiling tiredly. “I do not think that I will stay out here, though. The greater part of me demands a comfortable bed.”</p>
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<p>“Those fucking cots are awful,” May grumbled, sounding forced in her humor. “Like a hammock, but far worse.”</p>
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<p>May only nodded, swallowing back tears. </p>
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<p>“I remember a few days ago, too. I remember when you came to the forest, remember watching, awkwardly, while you cried on Debarre’s shoulder after I told you about…well, after we spoke. I remember hearing about all of your hatred over the years, about the resentment that you still have for me. I remember how it was you talked me into this, how helpless I was before it. I remember all of it.”</p>
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<p>There was no more holding back the tears, at that, though she did her best to cry silently.</p>
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<p>True Name smiled more kindly than she had yet that night. “But you still thought of me. “I do not want her to die,” you said. You said that you do not know why you still care about me, and you said so to your cocladist perhaps not yet knowing that I would have that memory as well. You two are both meddlesome brats, but thank you for thinking of me.”</p>
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<p>True Name smiled more kindly than she had yet that night. “But you still thought of me. “I do not want her to die,” you said. You said that you do not know why you still care about me, and you said that to your cocladist perhaps not yet knowing that I would have that memory as well. You two are both meddlesome brats, but thank you for thinking of me.”</p>
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<p>May tucked closer against Ioan’s side and buried her face in eir shirt to cry, making a rude gesture at her down-tree instance before hugging her arms around eir waist.</p>
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<p>“I think that means ‘no problem’,” ey said. “But I don’t speak skunk all that– ow! She bit me!”</p>
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<p>True Name laughed. “It is no less than you deserve, I am sure. But come, once you are able to, let us walk to the rock at the end of the lake. I want to see the stars before we head back.”</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-21</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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