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Madison Scott-Clary 2022-03-18 23:38:34 -07:00
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writing/post-self/mitzvot/sorina/001.html
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<p>I&rsquo;m breaking my communications embargo to message you directly. I don&rsquo;t know the details, but I&rsquo;m pretty sure this will pass through Castor without pinging Codrin or my exes (or anyone, for that matter). The last thing I want is yet another tearful letter from any of them just because my name flashed across their feeds.</p>
<p>Well. I say &lsquo;yet another tearful letter&rsquo;, but there&rsquo;s only been three &mdash; one for each of them &mdash; so I&rsquo;m hardly being bombarded, but I just&hellip;I can&rsquo;t, Ioan.</p>
<p>I need to talk to someone about this. I need to talk to someone who truly understands. I talk to Sarah quite a bit, of course, both in a therapeutic and a professional context, but there needs to be that sense of connection to the matter on a more personal level than just therapist to client. She&rsquo;s a delight to work with and an amazing teacher (as are Artante and Anin Li).</p>
<p>In our sessions, we came up with a very specific way to deal with this decision that I&rsquo;ve made. In order to ensure that I can learn to cherish who I was and who was in my life, I need to reinforce the positive memories of what I had. I need to make sure that those are stronger than the negative ones. I don&rsquo;t want that final, terrible morning to weigh on me more strongly than all of the good times that we had together</p>
<p>In our sessions, we came up with a very specific way to deal with this decision that I&rsquo;ve made. In order to ensure that I can learn to cherish who I was and who was in my life, I need to reinforce the positive memories of what I had. I need to make sure that those are stronger than the negative ones. I don&rsquo;t want that final, terrible morning to weigh on me more strongly than all of the good times that we had together.</p>
<p>You know, it&rsquo;s weird, though. I say &lsquo;final, terrible morning&rsquo;, but at the time, I don&rsquo;t remember it being such. I remember being very tired. I remember waking up and slipping away from Dear and making coffee in a cone of silence. I remember walking out onto the prairie. I remember suddenly seeing Codrin beside me, walking, head down in thought, as I focused on becoming me as quickly as possible. I remember walking past that brand new failing in the land with Codrin and not even having the mental capacity to think about it. All I remember doing was forking with each step, becoming who I am by the second and trying to move as far away from the life I had without losing my sense of self.</p>
<p>It wasn&rsquo;t terrible. It was busy. It was purpose-driven. It was constructive. I walked from that cairn to the next with Codrin beside me and then we talked for, what, five minutes? Ten? And then I kissed em on the cheek, grabbed a stone from the cairn, and left.</p>
<p>It&rsquo;s not a terrible memory. The worst part was Codrin asking if I wanted to go back and say goodbye, but that was over in a flash as I made my decision not to.</p>
<p>The rest of the morning wasn&rsquo;t even that bad. I stepped to Convergence and waited for True Name to show up and then walked into Customs and </p>
<p>(but they still have each other, so each of their letters kept dragging me back into it)</p>
<p>(reframing as exes)</p>
<p>(if I sound panicky, it&rsquo;s because I am; I&rsquo;m forgetting)</p>