From f6a842f8577951a28a4447b0c7cadef2033d793e Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Mon, 2 Aug 2021 16:30:11 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] update from sparkleup --- writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-1.html | 6 +++--- writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-2.html | 7 +++---- 2 files changed, 6 insertions(+), 7 deletions(-) diff --git a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-1.html b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-1.html index 5e6594c18..7a4289750 100644 --- a/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-1.html +++ b/writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/no-way-2-1.html @@ -12,11 +12,11 @@

Zk | no-way-2-1

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I feel compelled to state that I do know the reason that I left a pastoral path. That was something that I talked through with my advisor there, and something that I had been struggling with for a while. What I don’t know, necessarily, is the reason that I left St John’s in the way that I did.

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I feel compelled to state that I do know the reason that I left a path to pastoral. That was something that I talked through with my advisor at St John’s, and something that I had been struggling with for a while. I can point to it and name it as the mechanical reason. What I don’t know, necessarily, is the reason why I left there in the way that I did.

I left my MDiv behind because I do not do well in front of a crowd. Simple as that.

Put me in front of a person, and I can have a conversation with them1. Set me loose in a crowd and I am fine. If you set me down in the middle of the 13th Street Plaza in the middle of the dinner rush or in downtown Boise and watched, I suspect that you would see nothing out of the ordinary.

I don’t say this to brag. Rather the opposite, actually, The recognition that I do okay on the street in the middle of a crowd because, after a certain point, I cease being able to see the people around me as real people and the weight of their presence no longer weighs on me, and just how low a number that needs to be before I cannot keep up with individuals is embarrassing. Three people I can manage. Four is a stretch. Staff meetings are difficult.

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Drop me on the altar in front of a congregation and expect me to connect not just with the congregation but also with God and I get lost before I can get started. If I were able to focus on just one of these things, if I were able to look out over the heads of the parishioners and see only cardboard cutouts of ears and snouts, moving in time with the liturgy, I would likely be able to do that — I gave my fair share of speeches. If I were able to participate wholly in the divine rite and wrap myself in the mystery of tradition, I would be more than happy — I have my fair share of rituals.

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Drop me on the altar in front of a congregation and expect me to connect not just with the congregation and its constituent parts but also with God and I get lost before I can get started. If I were able to focus on just one of these things, if I were able to look out over the heads of the parishioners and see only cardboard cutouts of ears and snouts, moving in time with the liturgy, I would likely be able to do that — I gave my fair share of speeches. If I were able to participate wholly in the divine rite and wrap myself in the mystery of tradition, I would be more than happy — I have my fair share of rituals.

But that’s not what mass is. Mass is connecting the congregation to God, and that means being the conduit between the two of them, and that I cannot do.

I recognized this early on, before even applying for St John’s, and set my mind specifically on powering through this deficiency. I was able to learn so much, could I not learn how to provide communal spiritual interaction?

Alas, some things are intrinsic and immutable. I left because I recognized this fact. And so, it turns out, did my teachers.

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