update from sparkleup
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<p>On examination, more information became available. The closer I looked at it, the more I seemed to know. The data was something less than visible, something more than remembered. Staring at the sphere was a process of discovering, of learning that it was a core dump, that it was one belonging to Marsh in particular, that it had been created in the first seconds of 2400, that it was marked as unrecoverable, that its nature was one of corruption, that it was tainted with the remnants of contraproprioceptive virus. So much information flew at me that I couldn’t tell what it all meant, not least of which because the more I learned, the more the tears clouded my vision and the black sphere became a hole in the world. </p>
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<p>In our world. </p>
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<p>In <em>my</em> world.</p>
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<p>There was some part of me that had hoped, however foolishly, that Marsh was simply locked in some enhanced cone of silence somewhere, working on this or that, rejecting all incoming sensorium data. Dry Grass, however, assured us that this was not the case, though, that eir name had been all but wiped from the System along with all of the rest of their existence, and then offered to bring us to their core dump.</p>
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<p>There was some part of me that had hoped, however foolishly, that Marsh was simply locked in some enhanced cone of silence somewhere, working on this or that, rejecting all incoming sensorium data. Dry Grass, however, assured us that this was not the case, though, that eir name had been all but wiped from the System along with all of the rest of their existence, and then she offered to bring us to their core dump.</p>
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<p>The room in which the cores were stored was beyond vast. It was an unending space, a three dimensional grid with the cores stored at one meter intervals in all directions. The default spawn point was a floating platform in the middle of a vast sphere, devoid of cores, right in the center of it all.</p>
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<p>“The room is set to dark; no one can see us or touch us, no matter how many instances were here,” Dry Grass said quietly, then smiled wryly. “We could scream bloody murder and no one would hear, and yet it has the feeling of a graveyard, does it not?”</p>
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<p>None of us spoke.</p>
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<p>“Right,” she whispered, expression falling. </p>
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<p>“How do we get to their core?” I asked</p>
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<p>Dry Grass gestured to a faint circle embossed in the floor, then stepped within its bounds. “Marsh of the Marsh clade,” she said. “Dry Grass of the Ode clade on behalf of the Marsh clade, systech ID #338d84bb.”</p>
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<p>There was a quiet chime of acknowledgment and, in the direction that Dry Grass faced, a black ring formed opening out onto some other part of the sim, hundreds of the 23-odd billion cores filling the view. The platform drifted slowly towards the portal, and then through.</p>
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<p>There was a quiet chime of acknowledgment and, in the direction that Dry Grass faced, an indigo-limned black ring formed opening out onto some other part of the sim, hundreds of the 23-odd billion cores filling the view. The platform drifted slowly towards the portal, and then through.</p>
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<p>The cores were insubstantial spheres, ghostly, translucent. Little double handfuls of whispy lives cut short.</p>
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<p>All except one.</p>
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<p>Right before the platform sat one core more real than the rest, a matte <em>Eigengrau</em> with a faint blue haze around it. The platform drifted forward until the sphere rested at the center before Dry Grass at chest level, us Marshans — along with Pierre and Vos — parting to make way for it.</p>
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@ -56,7 +56,7 @@
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<p>“Stop,” she whispered. “Vos first.”</p>
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<p>“What the–”</p>
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<p>“Shut up. Vos first.”</p>
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<p>I glanced over to Vos, who was glaring at Lily. “What are you doing, Lily?”</p>
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<p>I glanced over to Vos, who was glaring at Lily. “What are you doing, Lily?” she growled.</p>
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<p>“Go,” she said hoarsely.</p>
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<p>“If you don’t want to be here,” Vos said, voice flat, dangerous. “You can leave.”</p>
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<p>“I want you to fucking go,” Lily snapped. “I want to hear about Marsh from someone who knew them better than any of us, these last however many decades.”</p>
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@ -70,7 +70,7 @@
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<p>My guess was correct, as there she was, already whirling on me at the notification of my arrival. “Oh, fuck you, Reed. Didn’t even give me a chance to lock the door!” she shouted.</p>
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<p>“Lily, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I hollered back. “You can’t just cut Tule, Cress, and I out of Marsh’s fucking funeral just because you don’t like Dry Grass!”</p>
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<p>“Fucking <em>watch me.</em>“</p>
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<p>Although I immediately regretted it, I slapped her across the cheek. Hard. </p>
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<p>I slapped her across the cheek. Hard. </p>
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<p>I think I regretted it even in the moment. I regretted it as soon as I felt my hand move. As soon as I felt that reaction bubble past any boundaries within me and take control of my body, I knew that it would cause nothing but pain — physical, yes, but also emotional and personal pain.</p>
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<p>I certainly regretted it as soon as she yelped and stumbled back a half-step.</p>
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<p>“No,” I said, voice shaking. “I won’t watch you try to rip the clade in two just like that, just like it’s your choice for the rest of us. It’s not like either Sedge or Rush care.”</p>
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<p>I followed after her as she stomped into the kitchen, watched as she grabbed a glass and somehow managed to angrily fill it with water from the faucet, rubbing her cheek where I’d struck. </p>
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<p>“They really didn’t,” I sneered. “You…what, read the <em>History</em> and decided that, without exception, they’re all fucking evil? Even after everything? Even after all the other books explained what happened?”</p>
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<p>“Fuck the other books,” she said, more to the faucet than to me. “Fuck the Ode clade, and fuck you too. Fuck you and fuck Cress and fuck Tule. It’s really fucking sad, watching you three get taken for a ride, the same manipulation that fucked us all.”</p>
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<p>Her anger still burned hot, I knew, but not as much as it had when first we’d arrived. I just needed to outlast it. Doing so by parking myself in my own anger probably wasn’t the best way to do it — I could feel yet more regret building below the surface of my anger — but it felt too good, too cathartic to let go of. “We’re not getting taken for a ride, whatever that means. We’re just grown up enough to realize that a bunch of actors did what actors do and pretended.” I scoffed. “They <em>pretended,</em> Lily. That’s just what they do.”</p>
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<p>Her anger still burned hot, I knew, but not as much as it had when first we’d arrived. I just needed to outlast it. Doing so by parking myself in my own anger probably wasn’t the best way to do it — I could feel yet more regret building below the surface of my anger — but it felt too good, too cathartic to let go of. <!-- I have a comment here: "Later: chaotic emotions" but I don't know what it means --> “We’re not getting taken for a ride, whatever that means. We’re just grown up enough to realize that a bunch of actors did what actors do and pretended.” I scoffed. “They <em>pretended,</em> Lily. That’s just what they do.”</p>
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<p>“So it’s just a game, then?” she shot back, though I could tell she was flagging. “Just a game that led to a bunch of fucking psychos killing billions of people?”</p>
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<p>“They lost people too, Lily. So True Name did some stupid stuff back in the early days; what of it? She explained it all, said how much of it was just playing at politics without doing much beyond making us look interesting to phys-side, making us seem worthwhile. That was their whole tack on keeping us stable: keeping us worth something to phys-side. Now a bunch of them are dead and–”</p>
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<p>“Two of them are dead,” she grumbled. “Two and however many up-trees.”</p>
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<p>I took her hand in mind and sent a message to my down-tree to recall us to the sim, blipping into being close to where we had stood when we left. Lily trudged back to her place and I quit to merge back down.</p>
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<p>I merged the memories of the fight with Lily wholesale, letting them mingle with Vos’s words of love and loss. There was a part of me that regretted it, that they should be so tainted, but both sets of memories were important.</p>
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<p>Pierre declined to speak.</p>
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<p>That left just Cress, Tule, and I. Cress went first, stepping forward to rest her hands against the core, and then resting her forehead against the back of its hands. “There’s too much bullshit going on, so here’s a story.</p>
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<p>That left just Cress, Tule, and I. Cress went first, stepping forward to rest its hands against the core, and then resting its forehead against the back of its hands. “There’s too much bullshit going on, so here’s a story.</p>
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<p>“Back when Reed, Lily, and I were forked, Marsh was still presenting cis male, and so the three of us were to be the aspects of them that went in different directions. Lily headed back cis fem, Reed went back to the trans masc presentation we had phys-side, and I went somewhere neutral.</p>
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<p>“I started out with they/them pronouns, leaning into androgyny as I’d always pictured it, something more tomboyish than anything, but over time, that began to drift, and I decided that ‘neutral’ was the wrong answer to the question of gender. Gender was the wrong question. Fuck it, I say. I opt out.” It laughed. “The next time I merged down, Marsh sent me a message that was just them laughing, then requested that we use they/them for them.”</p>
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<p>“I started out with they/them, leaning into androgyny as I’d always pictured it, something more tomboyish than anything, but over time, that began to drift, and I decided that ‘neutral’ was the wrong answer to the question of gender. Gender was the wrong question. Fuck it, I say. I opt out.” It laughed. “The next time I merged down, Marsh sent me a message that was just them laughing, then requested that we use they/them for them.”</p>
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<p>It straightened up again, smiling. “So you see? It’s all my fault they wound up how they did.”</p>
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<p>The rest of the clade grinned. Both Vos and Pierre laughed.</p>
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<p>After Cress, Tule stepped forward and stood for nearly five minutes in silence. The wait began expectant, but before long, everyone gathered around the core bowed their heads one by one, settling into something more contemplative. The silence spoke as much as Sedge and Rush’s sorrow, Lily’s anger, Cress’s humor.</p>
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<p>When he stepped back, I sighed. “Guess that leaves me,” I said. I could feel exhaustion pulling at my cheeks, pressing against my temples. When I touched the core, I was surprised to find it cool to the touch, dry, almost dusty. “I don’t want to say anything, but Tule already covered that base. I guess you’ve all talked a lot about the past, so I’m not sure I have much to add. I guess I’ll just say that I hope we can find a way forward that doesn’t lead to us feeling terrible forever.”</p>
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<p>When he stepped back, I sighed. “Guess that leaves me,” I said. I could feel exhaustion pulling at my cheeks, pressing against my temples. When I touched the core, I was surprised to find it cool to the touch, dry, almost dusty, as though it would absorbe all moisture, accept all tears and still never be slaked. “I don’t want to say anything, but Tule already covered that base. I guess you’ve all talked a lot about the past, so I’m not sure I have much to add. I guess I’ll just say that I hope we can find a way forward that doesn’t lead to us feeling terrible forever.”</p>
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<p>There were a few nods around the circle, though Pierre only buried his forehead against Vos’s shoulder.</p>
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<p>“So I don’t know. Let’s just keep being good to each other, and keep finding ways to stay on top of things.” My words sounded hollow, emotionless. I decided to lean into that feeling directly. “I’m having a hard time connecting emotions to my words, here. I think it’s all super overwhelming, so I guess all I can do is just hope that that’s not always the case.”</p>
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<p>Sedge, Tule, and Rush, my up-tree instances, all leaned forward to rest their hands on my shoulders.</p>
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<p>“It’s incredibly you to just think about how to manage stuff going forward,” Lily said, no ire in her voice. “That’s just kind of your role in this whole thing, huh?”</p>
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<p>I laughed, feeling some of the pressure in my chest fade. “Right, yeah. Manager of the enterprise.”</p>
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<p>“Pretty sure that’s me, actually,” Sedge said. “Though I guess I got it from somewhere.”</p>
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<p>I chuckled, feeling some of the pressure in my chest fade. “Right, yeah. Manager of the enterprise.”</p>
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<p>“Pretty sure that makes me an employee,” Sedge said. “Though I guess I got it from somewhere.”</p>
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<p>We all laughed.</p>
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<p>We drifted away in small clumps after that. Pierre and Vos returned to Marsh’s home — their home, now — along with Sedge, who said she was going to head back to work. Rush nudged Lily off to a bar, stating that it was high time at least some of us got roaring drunk.</p>
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<p>The four of us who remained — me, Cress, Tule, and Dry Grass — stood in silence for a while. There seemed to be little point in saying anything as we processed this impromptu funeral. All that needed to be said had been said, or if not, then it had at least been put on hold in the face of our overwhelming emotions.</p>
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<p>I thought of the stages of grief, of Lily’s anger, of the sadness so many of us lingered in, of the bargaining that I knew we all held within us. Perhaps there was some way to get Marsh back. Perhaps there was something we could yet do. Perhaps some combination of the core that remained and all of our memories could lead to some solution. Perhaps this new cross-tree merging held some promise after all.</p>
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<p>“I want to see In The Wind,” Dry Grass said eventually, her first words since Lily had told her to shut up. “I want to see what remains, and then I want to go lay down with the three of you, if you will have me.”</p>
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<p>I blinked, standing up straighter. “Me?”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “If you will have me,” she repeated.</p>
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<p>She nodded. “If you will have me,” she repeated, voice small.</p>
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<p>I thought of so many complex emotions that had plagued me over the last few days — the memories of love, the way they clashed with my memories of distance, the memories of Lily burning up with hatred — and, finally, nodded. “Yeah. Let’s see In The Wind’s core, and then get out of here. Anything to help out after all this will be good.”</p>
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<hr />
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</article>
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<p>Page generated on 2024-03-27</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2024-04-28</p>
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