<!doctype html> <html> <head> <title>Zk | 02</title> <link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="/style.css" /> <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width" /> <meta charset="utf-8" /> </head> <body> <main> <header> <h1>Zk | 02</h1> </header> <article class="content"> <hr /> <p>date: 2019-08-17 weight: 23</p> <hr /> <p>Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.</p> <blockquote> <p>‘Started’?</p> </blockquote> <p>Well, okay, in a very specific way. I started hating the anger. I started hating the expectations. I starting hating the toxicity.</p> <blockquote> <p>You started hating a lot more than that.</p> </blockquote> <p>I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies.</p> <p>I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.</p> <blockquote> <p>Not even yourself.</p> </blockquote> <p>Not yet, at least.</p> <p>There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds.</p> <blockquote> <p>Tell me about suicide.</p> </blockquote> <p>Not yet. Don’t derail me for a bit. I need some breathing room after yesterday.</p> <blockquote> <p>Tell me about Younes, then.</p> </blockquote> <p>I’m getting there.</p> <p>I started taking my own meds alongside those the doctor gave me. I started the slow process of ridding myself of testosterone. I hated my body so much, I did my best to camp out up in my head, to remove at least one means of having to interact with it: sex.</p> <blockquote> <p>Go back. Before that.</p> </blockquote> <p>Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by ‘it’ pronouns. And I made Younes.</p> <p>Younes was a means for me to no longer lie. Or at least knock the severity of the lies down a few notches.</p> <p>Younes was like me. He looked like a guy, but had something decidedly feminine about him.</p> <blockquote> <p>Don’t be coy: he had a vagina.</p> </blockquote> <p>Well, yes, but he wasn’t simply male in all his interactions. He was effeminate, without being flamey. He could be both more and less than a guy.</p> <blockquote> <p>Let’s talk about kink.</p> </blockquote> <p>Soon, soon.</p> </article> <footer> <p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p> </footer> </main> <script type="text/javascript"> document.querySelectorAll('.tag').forEach(tag => { let text = tag.innerText; tag.innerText = ''; tag.innerHTML = `<a href="/tags.html#${text}">${text}</a>`; }); </script> </body> </html>