diary livejournal fossils
First of all, let me begin by saying that all that I say is pure in intention - I tried to be sarcastic in order to get along better with you, and none of what I say is meant to be sarcastic now.
I have to admit that I’m really pretty angry about this whole thing. It certainly came at a bad time, what with the stress of school, work, money, the handfasting, so on and so forth. However, please picture this from my point of view: while I knew that things were not going as well as planned, I left Tampa thinking that it would just be another speedbump to get over, what with us going so fast. That day, you told me that things hadn’t been as you had imagined since we got back together. One week later, Jill posted that she had someone she liked and that it was mutual. Since she had originally made such a fuss about how I would take to her feelings about you, and since you had already discussed such with me, I think it’s understandable that I be a little angry at the both of you, since it appears to me that you had just waited until dropping me in order to both feel secure for your feelings in each other. This is why I brought up Rynden and Ty; in both of those instances, it seemed to me that you were dovetailing relationships - not waiting until one relationship was over before starting another.
This has me pretty frustrated at you and Jill both, but I don’t mean to place blame, however much my subconscious would love to. I’m certainly guilty of doing much the same thing - after all, I didn’t admit to Tyson, the Texas mink, until November of last year or so that I was going out with you, though we had already split up, and I’m sure you remember the fiasco with Merlin when we first got together. None of this is anyone’s fault but distance, and again, I’m hardly placing blame. I just feel a need to tell you how I feel, and I hope you understand that. I’m not asking for you back, since we’ve pretty effectively proved that that’s not going to work; just that I need to sort this out with you, and I’m too ashamed to do it over the phone, or even over IM. It’s just another one of those defense mechanisms. Remember when I got really depressed back in highschool and you threatened to break up with me? I feel sort of like I did then - hell, I was even tempted to commit suicide, something even my subconscious admits is pretty stupid - but things are different now. Not only are we both more mature and I can attempt to describe how I really feel, but I don’t have to worry about acting in the best interest of ‘us’ anymore, and I can say what I mean without layers of sarcasm and innuendo.
Anyhow, I have to say that I really don’t care whether or not you and Jill are dating, I still feel that I should be able to wish you both luck, whether in relationships or even just figuring things out. I love you enough and respect her enough to be allowed to do that, I think.
~ Mat