Zk | Housies.

diary livejournal fossils

That was tacky.

I’ve changed a good deal over the past year. I came into this whole living arrangement in a much more positive situation than I’m in now. Back then, I had a much higher opinoin of myself without becoming selfish; I thought a lot about my actions without becoming a shut-in; I spoke up when it was tactful; I managed, calculated, internalized and just generally thought things through. Fortune, Art, The Empress

Thirteen months later, I feel like I’m nearly in shambles. My interests flit from topic to topic, I can barely manage to bring myself to do anything off the computer, my willingness to be educated has been drained from me, and all of my attempts at creation have been thwarted by intense feelings of dissatisfaction in my education in that area (perhaps this is why I’m getting farther on Warren than I ever got on music or visual arts). I feel exactly the opposite of how I felt, for lack of anything clearer.

Much of this, I feel, is going to lead to self sacrifice out of selfishness instead of any desire to be generous and an over-indulgence in little things that almost make me happy, with a strong indication of vanity and internal self-praise on the horizon. I already feel that purple-off-green bubble of self-importance swelling to encompass various parts of my personality. 10 of Wands, 9 of cups

I bet you think this is going to make sure people don’t take offense to you.

See, the problem with me, is that I think I see a difference between this past-me and the present-me. I think I somehow dealt with things differently then than I do now, and that, for some reason, the younger me was better than the older one. The real difference between then and now is the experiences I’ve had and the memories I’ve gained.

This dispassionate me, with my mask of righteousness, can’t possibly blend with the biting wit and individualism of Shannon, or the just and properly-destined sense of spirituality of Ryan. Not without being more flexible; not without the elasticity of mind needed to deal with such opposites - because, as much as you guys are similar, you’re hardly the same - in one house for fourteen months. Princess of Wands, Queen of Disks, Prince of Cups, Prince of Wands

No, as much as I seem to be on some sort of self-sacrificial road to homelessness (transientia, if you will ^^) with my lack of effort, will to put forth the same, courage, and confidence in the same, I still gots a buttload of growing and learning to do, trite as it sounds. I’m just not ready for living with two people of such deliciously counterpoint rhythms of life. I need less and more. Less at once, more time to incorporate this whole concept of, you know, other people into myself. Not just other people, but other people every day of my life, living not fifteen feet from me, sharing food, space, and responsibility.

What’s this, a beacon, so that other people’s pity may find you? I’d sneer, if I wasn’t you.

While I think that, perhaps, I could live with either Ryan or Shannon alone, I don’t know that know that I could do so happily for all three of us. I’ve opted to live with someone else, and opted for that a good while ago, in order to be decisive and self-seeking for the betterment of all; sometimes one has to serve himself so that one does not get stabby, so that maybe, with time, they can learn to deal with these things properly so that other people aren’t such a challenge, thus letting him, you know, properly interact, instead of fucking around in their own little universe, like I’ve been doing (and doing quite well) for the past 20 years.

A final note? Boy, you really are scared this’ll be taken the wrong way.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I’m sneaking out of this house-thing not because I can’t stand either Ryan or Shannon, but because I really can’t stand myself.

Ain’t that the truth..

For reference…