Zk | Fear.

diary livejournal fossils

Another uneventful day passes.

Well, mostly uneventful.

Today, in MizDoo’s class (creative writing) we did a web (a method of brainstorming that I actually like. Not sure if , , and did this) on fear. The idea of the exercise was to let your right brain do the writing and give your left brain, the one that usually controls such idea processing, a break. Ms. Doo said that there’d probably be an ‘ah moment’ when you hit on something that would be worth writing about. For me, the ah-moment was subtle, but rather revealing. It was like going to some Freudian psychologist, only it was free, and I did it to myself. I’ve found new respect for my pen, paper, and the wonder of language.

However, since this stuff is kinda personal, I’ll cut here. It you want to delve deeper and get weirded out even more by me, go ahead and read on.

On Ranna and his relationships, and what he should do.Anyway, more to the point, we were storming up a brain on the word 'fear' and what it meant to us, so I started out with some pretty mundane topics: 'mediocrity' and 'alone'. I'll give you the progression from there, and boldface the parts that, after thinking about them, made me go 'ah.' Fear - mediocrity: bad job, boring person, normal - why can I mean something to someone? - alone - I like people but I keep myself alone with who I like and that leads to doom - fear - I take personality tests, but they don't tell me anything - I need someone and the ones I need and like are not my type - why is it that people are they way they are sometimes? - I like the Alpha [Moondog] and Kory and I obsess, but I don't tell them, maybe I'm afraid they'll like me back and I won't know what to do about it - I kept myself in long-distance relationships because I didn't know how to deal with local ones, I was afraid of looking stupid/bad - I'm afraid of myself and how self-centered I might seem/be - why be selfless? - You're not worthless, you know that, but maybe you're afraid that people won't see your worth? - maybe they do and you just don't let yourself see it. (I also wrote 'Fear - I eat children - MESSY', but deemed that inconsequential.) So, while there's no terrifically new items there, there is a new way to look at myself and the way I deal with relationships. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it yet, since I've got a lot of other stuff going on, but I also have a four day weekend coming up, so that might be time to focus. I'm thinking I might do something to help with that. Maybe fasting, or a good long think (dare I say... MEDITATION?! Yes, actually; "meditation") away from the house (but where?) and my emotion-absorbing/-resistant basement. Any other ideas? I'm getting the feeling that the current.. I don't want to say rut.. maybe track I'm in is probably not the healthiest for me (or others, for that matter), and I should work on altering that; I should re-evaluate my feelings for others and just what they mean, as well as how I deal with those feelings.

In other news, I’m now a FLCL freak. MizDoo said that the show was either a sign of the downfall of our species (for it’s short attention span inducing.. stuff. She wasn’t terribly clear), or genius. I happen to think it’s the latter. I think we should coin a word on Ms. Doolittle’s name (and get points): Missdoo (I missdoo, to missdoo, missdoo’d, to have missdoon) v. intrans. - To wander away from the topic unintentionally and suddenly snap back. “To missdoo is generally considered unacceptable in public speaking: a solid topic is strongly reccommended.”

(More personal-ish stuff follows) Edit: upon flipping through the dog-eared pages of ‘s book (see his post for which one) during my unexpected off-period, we both found that, according to a very general description, we’re both wolves, and for different reasons: Ryan because of some of his actions, me because of my sensitivity about people touching my neck, ears, and other sensitive areas, and both of us due to our tall, lanky builds. There were other time consuming facts there, and as always, true information hidden beneath them. After Pops, I must borrow that book again and take a more serious look. While shifting in particular isn’t what really interests me, some of the other ideas in the book piqued my interest. </lj-cut