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<h1>Zk | 003</h1>
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<p>date: 2019-08-24
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weight: 41</p>
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<p>March 10, 2004:</p>
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<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="n">We</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">wandered</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">around</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">for</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">a</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="nc">bit</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">before</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">ending</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">up</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">sprawled</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">in</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">a</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">fire</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="k">escape</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">at</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">FHS</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">with</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Shannon</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">in</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">my</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">lap</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">me</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">in</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Ash</span><span class="s1">'s lap, and Andrew in Kiran'</span><span class="n">s</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">lap</span><span class="p">.</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Andrew</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">ditched</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">go</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">shooting</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">with</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Ash</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">and</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Kiran</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">while</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">went</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">bomb</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">a</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">history</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">test</span><span class="p">.</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">That</span><span class="s1">'s when things started getting really weird. I had a percoset relapse (whether that'</span><span class="n">s</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">what</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">it</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">was</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">or</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">not</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">it</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">felt</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">oddly</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">similar</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">the</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="nc">real</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="nl">thing</span><span class="p">:</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">an</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">incurable</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">itch</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">buried</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">beneath</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">my</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">skin</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">the</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">point</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">where</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">can</span><span class="s1">'t actually scratch it) near the end of the period, and then in choir I imploded from empathy - so many emotions from others that I had no room for my own. Then, horns grew from my chest and head, and wings from my back; a giant fox escaped, left, and exploded into a thousand birds over Viele. Mind you, none of this really happened, but I sure felt strange. During latin, I exploded from empathy in a patchwork swirl of colors while Starin et al. stared on as I banged my head against the desk. Ms. Gibert didn'</span><span class="n">t</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">notice</span><span class="p">.</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">yelled</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">for</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">help</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">inaudibly</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">and</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">searched</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">out</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">white</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">points</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">of</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">light</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">in</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">the</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">black</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">silhouette</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">of</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Boulder</span><span class="p">.</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">yelled</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">for</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Ash</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">and</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">searched</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">for</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Moondog</span><span class="p">.</span><span class="w"></span>
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<span class="n">Afterwards</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">figured</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">out</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">how</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">regain</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">control</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="p">(</span><span class="n">mostly</span><span class="p">)</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">and</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">just</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">in</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="nc">time</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">for</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">the</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">bell</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">ring</span><span class="p">.</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">got</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">a</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">small</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">mocha</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">at</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Cafe</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Sole</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">got</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">eaten</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">by</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">small</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">greenish</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">crystals</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">on</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">a</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="nc">table</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">while</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">supposed</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">psychics</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">did</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">fairy</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">readings</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">from</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">a</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">kids</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">book</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">and</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">here</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">am</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">about</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">take</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">a</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">shower</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">and</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">get</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">ready</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">for</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Great</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Works</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">rehearsal</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="ow">and</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">then</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">group</span><span class="p">,</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">whereupon</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">shall</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">request</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">to</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Reiki</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Moondog</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="p">(</span><span class="n">again</span><span class="p">)</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">during</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">the</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">speakers</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">board</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="k">on</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">gay</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">marriage</span><span class="p">.</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">Hopefully</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">I</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">don</span><span class="err">'</span><span class="n">t</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">ex</span><span class="o">-/</span><span class="n">im</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="n">plode</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="n">again</span><span class="w"> </span><span class="o">^^</span><span class="w"></span>
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</code></pre></div>
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<p>April 12, 2004:</p>
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<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="err">You have come, finally, to a safe place. You have arrived at the point where it counts most, the point at which Life itself seems to fall away, leaving behind nothing of it's former shell: that blackened husk of body and mind that housed a bright bright star. Years and years, it took, places and places and each day offering good and bad, but you, lucky you, saw past that, saw beyond the grid of your perception to see inside others, touching and caressing the bright points of light that were essentially them, cherishing each for not only their good points, but for their faults as well. The energy flowed around and through you in the concentric spirals of the labyrinth and the Bat Qol kept you clean and pure with the voice of God and the Buddha in me to the Buddha in you weaved everything under the sun into Life itself. This is Rapture.</span>
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</code></pre></div>
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<p>June 7, 2004:</p>
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<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="n">I</span><span class="s1">'d like to chant, perhaps Emmeleia.</span>
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<span class="s1"> Or.. you could come up with something on your own. You know, do something productive with Nanon.</span>
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<span class="s1">There'</span><span class="n">s</span> <span class="n">a</span> <span class="n">thought</span><span class="p">.</span> <span class="n">I</span> <span class="n">still</span> <span class="n">need</span> <span class="k">to</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="n">those</span> <span class="n">spells</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="n">Androo</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Exactly</span><span class="p">.</span> <span class="n">Productive</span>
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<span class="n">I</span><span class="s1">'ve noticed that, while my emotional colors are fading, you'</span><span class="n">re</span> <span class="n">becoming</span> <span class="k">more</span> <span class="n">prominent</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Who</span> <span class="k">are</span> <span class="n">you</span><span class="o">?</span>
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<span class="n">I</span><span class="s1">'m a meme; I'</span><span class="n">m</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">idea</span> <span class="k">of</span> <span class="n">Lady</span> <span class="n">Sage</span> <span class="k">and</span> <span class="n">Master</span> <span class="n">Yage</span><span class="p">,</span>
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<span class="k">or</span> <span class="n">maybe</span> <span class="n">Eris</span> <span class="k">and</span> <span class="n">God</span><span class="p">.</span> <span class="k">Are</span> <span class="n">they</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">same</span><span class="o">?</span>
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<span class="n">I</span><span class="s1">'m me.</span>
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<span class="s1"> I'</span><span class="n">m</span> <span class="n">you</span><span class="p">.</span> <span class="k">Are</span> <span class="n">they</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">same</span><span class="o">?</span>
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<span class="n">I</span><span class="s1">'m the fifth line of five.</span>
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<span class="s1">You'</span><span class="n">re</span> <span class="n">an</span> <span class="n">elusive</span> <span class="n">bugger</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">that</span><span class="s1">'s what you are.</span>
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<span class="s1"> Damn straight.</span>
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<span class="s1">You'</span><span class="n">re</span> <span class="n">depressing</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">too</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="p">...</span><span class="n">hello</span><span class="o">?</span>
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</code></pre></div>
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<p>October 5, 2004:</p>
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<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">lama</span> <span class="n">sabachthani</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Upon</span> <span class="n">reading</span> <span class="n">certain</span> <span class="n">things</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">upon</span> <span class="n">hearing</span> <span class="n">certain</span> <span class="n">songs</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">upon</span> <span class="n">seeing</span> <span class="n">certain</span> <span class="n">people</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">upon</span> <span class="n">smelling</span> <span class="n">certain</span> <span class="n">scents</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">upon</span> <span class="n">tasting</span> <span class="n">certain</span> <span class="n">foods</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">upon</span> <span class="n">feeling</span> <span class="n">certain</span> <span class="n">feelings</span> <span class="k">and</span> <span class="n">upon</span> <span class="n">losing</span> <span class="n">myself</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">it</span> <span class="n">flows</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">light</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="k">in</span> <span class="n">through</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">head</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="k">out</span> <span class="n">through</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">heart</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">washes</span> <span class="n">over</span> <span class="k">all</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="k">and</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">being</span> <span class="n">lost</span> <span class="k">in</span> <span class="n">it</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">have</span> <span class="k">found</span> <span class="n">myself</span> <span class="k">without</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">How</span> <span class="n">poetic</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">These</span> <span class="k">are</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">white</span> <span class="n">things</span><span class="p">.</span> <span class="n">Cold</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">bright</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">burning</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">white</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">lama</span> <span class="n">sabachthani</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">But</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">light</span> <span class="n">isn</span><span class="s1">'t as it used to be. It was a thing to light up a day, a thing to light up me, filling completely. Now a simple thread flows from head to heart, and the light doesn'</span><span class="n">t</span> <span class="n">stray</span> <span class="k">from</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">path</span> <span class="k">of</span> <span class="n">least</span> <span class="n">resistance</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Love</span> <span class="n">follows</span> <span class="k">not</span> <span class="n">the</span> <span class="n">law</span> <span class="k">of</span> <span class="n">Ohm</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">lama</span> <span class="n">sabachthani</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Light</span> <span class="n">can</span> <span class="n">be</span> <span class="n">many</span> <span class="n">things</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">but</span> <span class="n">here</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">now</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">it</span> <span class="n">means</span> <span class="n">love</span> <span class="o">-</span> <span class="k">all</span> <span class="n">four</span> <span class="n">loves</span> <span class="o">-</span> <span class="k">and</span> <span class="n">it</span><span class="s1">'s a strange feeling to have been so full of it for so long, then to suddenly be nearly without.</span>
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<span class="s1"> Full of what? Full of shit? How pathetic, how trite.</span>
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<span class="s1">Having deified love for several years, it'</span><span class="n">s</span> <span class="n">a</span> <span class="n">shock</span> <span class="k">to</span> <span class="n">my</span> <span class="n">faith</span> <span class="k">to</span> <span class="n">have</span> <span class="n">it</span> <span class="n">disappear</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">even</span> <span class="k">if</span> <span class="n">it</span> <span class="k">only</span> <span class="n">turns</span> <span class="k">out</span> <span class="k">to</span> <span class="n">be</span> <span class="k">temporary</span><span class="p">.</span>
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<span class="n">Faith</span><span class="o">?</span> <span class="n">You</span><span class="err">'</span><span class="n">re</span> <span class="n">faithful</span><span class="o">?</span> <span class="n">How</span> <span class="n">have</span> <span class="n">you</span> <span class="n">EVER</span> <span class="n">been</span> <span class="n">faithful</span> <span class="k">to</span> <span class="n">love</span><span class="o">?</span>
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<span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">Eloi</span><span class="p">,</span> <span class="n">lama</span> <span class="n">sabachthani</span><span class="o">!</span>
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</code></pre></div>
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<p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p>
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