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<h1>Zk | What Defines Us</h1>
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<p><span class="tag">writing</span> <span class="tag">fiction</span> <span class="tag">epistolary</span> <span class="tag">furry</span> <span class="tag">short-story</span> <span class="tag">family</span> <span class="tag">divorce</span> <span class="tag">sawtooth</span></p>
<p>Darren,</p>
<p>Havent heard from you in a while. Do you think I could come up and visit for xmas? Been a while since Ive seen the little monsters. Let me know before prices go up.</p>
<p>How are you? How is Leila?</p>
<p>LYF</p>
<p>Mom</p>
<hr />
<p>Mom,</p>
<p>Im sorry I havent gotten back to you recently. Things on our end have been awful, if Im honest.</p>
<p>Leila and I are thinking of splitting up.</p>
<p>I dont know about Christmas. I hope you understand.</p>
<p>LYFA</p>
<p>Darren</p>
<hr />
<p>Oh honey, Im so so sorry. What happened? Was it about work again?</p>
<p>I still want to come out and see you. More now than I did before. Can I do anything to help?</p>
<p>LYF</p>
<hr />
<p>Mom,</p>
<p>Sorry, I guess my last email was pretty skimpy on the details.</p>
<p>Yeah, the work thing got bad, then got a whole lot worse. I knew Leila was unhappy with it and all, but I dont think I realized how unhappy. I mean, Im not happy with it, either, but obviously its the life I live - and have lived - so its in my blood. She wasnt happy hearing that.</p>
<p>Well anyway, dozens of arguments later, it comes out that she got fed up enough to start sneaking out and seeing others. Maybe if shed been open about it or whatever, I wouldve been more able to work with it, but I think it just goes to show that neither of us are happy and neither of us can trust each other.</p>
<p>We tried doing the counseling thing. Even brought Jer and Eileen to some, but I dont know, mom. I feel like Im in a bad spot with that. I feel like Id like to be the one to talk things through with the kids, not some very expensive stranger, you know? It makes me feel like Im out of touch with how they feel about things, and like it would just sow distrust in them of us.</p>
<p>Im lost, mom. What do I do? This is all so overwhelming&hellip;</p>
<p>LYFA</p>
<p>D</p>
<hr />
<p>Darren,</p>
<p>Its not easy stuff to work through, I know. It sounds like youre doing a good job of things, and certainly like youre doing right by the kids.</p>
<p>You both knew that there would be a lot of compromise going into this relationship, but maybe you just didnt realize how much? I hope Im not overstepping or anything, just that sometimes compromise works and sometimes it doesnt. Thats just the way of things. You and I had to compromise on a lot, and its worked out okay (I think!!), but Justin and I tried and never could get it to work.</p>
<p>As for what to do, just be honest. Painfully so, if need be. That said, you should be careful about Jeremy and Eileen. If you want to talk about all this and work on the divorce thing, *dont do it on your own.* Do so with Leila. Both of you talk with them together, and dont be afraid to talk about the problems you and L are having. Theyre smart cats, theyll be able to understand, and may have good advice for you, too! Treat them like adults, and they wont treat you (either of you!!) like mysterious unapproachable aliens throwing their lives into chaos.</p>
<p>Call me if you need?</p>
<p>LYF</p>
<p>Mom</p>
<hr />
<p>Mom,</p>
<p>Sorry for the delay. Things are up and down over here. We did as you said and have been talking things through with the kids, to mixed results. I can tell theyre uncomfortable and unhappy about it all, but I feel like theyre getting it, and having their say. And I feel more connected with them about it.</p>
<p>The downside is that its splitting L and Is thoughts on the matter in a weird way. When we talk about things in front of the kids, it feels like were saying one thing, but when we talk in private, its something different. We both act so civil around them because we have to, that its made our arguments in private more painful. Things were sort of a maybe until we started doing this. Now its feeling more like a definite.</p>
<p>It hurts so much, mom. I love Leila, and I love the kids. If this is the direction were going in, I guess thats what needs to happen, but none of this work stuff is going to look good to a judge. The thought of losing them has me not eating, not sleeping.</p>
<p>I dont know what to do.</p>
<p>LYFA</p>
<hr />
<p>I know, honey. I dont want to sound like a broken record, but I know its not easy stuff. When things have broken down this completely, there is no outcome of this that is going to feel fair, but you love your children. Its plain to me, and I hope its plain to Leila and any judge in the matter. You wont have them taken away from you. Just make sure you stay in their lives. Make sure you do what you can to help them want to stay in yours, too. (Not saying buy their affection, just show your love and appreciate (visibly) the love they show you.)</p>
<p>LYF</p>
<hr />
<p>Yeah, the goal is not to be my dad here.</p>
<p><em>Sent from MobileMail</em></p>
<hr />
<p>Darren,</p>
<p>Thats not fair to me *or* your dad at all. He and I had our differences and we couldnt work them out, but my goal was never for you to hate him. We shared our time with you as we did, for better or worse, and I tried to keep channels open. Thats why Im saying what I am. Help them want to be in your life.</p>
<p>LYF</p>
<hr />
<p>Thats just the thing, mom. You keep pushing me to him, but theres nothing there. Not saying your advice is bad, its certainly good. Its advice I wish you could give dad. The guy hit me, though. I was never good enough for him. He was an abusive jerk and you know it. Why would I want to go and show him *any* positive attention?</p>
<p>Seriously, Ive tried to handle this divorce shit and my relationship, hell, my fucking life the *opposite* of how you handled things. You both provided me with so many bad examples of how things could go. And yet here I am, reliving the fucking past.</p>
<p><em>Sent from MobileMail</em></p>
<hr />
<p>Darren, honey, Im so sorry.</p>
<p>Not a day goes by that I dont think about you. Youre my baby, remember? Long as I live.</p>
<p>So please, please understand me when I say that Im sorry. Both your dad and I handled that entire situation terribly. *Both your dad and I.* I messed up back then, and if I could go back and change things, I would. I dont know if that means staying with Justin longer so that I could protect you or getting the divorce sooner to get you away from him. I dont know how I can fix it now, other than to help you not *become him.* Were after the same thing, here. Neither of us want you to be him, to wind up in his shoes.</p>
<p>Thats why I keep pushing you toward him, though. I know it had to have hurt him for you to cut him from your life. I cant imagine how much it would hurt if Jeremy and Eileen did that to you.</p>
<p>I cant speak to your relationship with Leila. You know that Justin and I were cordial to each other, but when things ended, they ended, and there was no going back. If you two can patch things up, then that would be great! If you cant, though, youre right: dont be like your dad and I.</p>
<p>Love you forever</p>
<p>Mom</p>
<hr />
<p>Im sorry, mom, youre right. I know things werent great for you and dad either, and I know youre just trying to help. Its just hard. It hurts a lot, and its making me really upset at the drop of a hat.</p>
<p>Love you for always</p>
<p>D</p>
<hr />
<p>And as long as I live My baby youll be!</p>
<p>The problem with being a parent (and youll understand this more and more as Jeremy and Eileen grow up) is that your children are both the better versions of yourself and also doomed to repeat so many of the mistakes you did. You took a lot away from how things were when you grew up. Like you said, you took away the things that went wrong and want to do the opposite. You have my blessing on that! You make me endlessly proud when you do so.</p>
<p>But you also took away my work ethic. Thats a good chunk of why Justin and I didnt last. Not the main reason, of course, but still, it was there. And now its playing havoc in your life.</p>
<p>All we can do is try and do better. What happened isnt all there is to us. What defines us is also what we become.</p>
<p>LYF</p>
<p>Mom</p>
<hr />
<p>I dont really know what to say. I didnt realize that was a problem you and dad had, too. Ill have to think about it.</p>
<p>Things are still up and down, but have been a bit more up recently. I still think things are going to end in a divorce, but talking with the kids forcing us to be more civil has helped a lot, and weve started talking about an equitable split.</p>
<p>Thank you, mom. I know I got snippy, but youre right, and have helped more than you realize.</p>
<p>Can you still come up for Christmas?</p>
<p>LYFA</p>
<p>D</p>
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