66 lines
3.5 KiB
HTML
66 lines
3.5 KiB
HTML
<!doctype html>
|
|
<html>
|
|
<head>
|
|
<title>Zk | 04</title>
|
|
<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="/style.css" />
|
|
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width" />
|
|
<meta charset="utf-8" />
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<main>
|
|
<header>
|
|
<h1>Zk | 04</h1>
|
|
</header>
|
|
<article class="content">
|
|
<hr />
|
|
<p>date: 2020-01-15
|
|
weight: 4</p>
|
|
<hr />
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
<p>So why <strong>are</strong> we talking circles around it?</p>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
<p>Because, at some level, the experience itself is unimportant. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole.</p>
|
|
<p>What <em>is</em> important is the ramifications. What is important is the fact that I have to live with the person I became when I was disabused of all of those silly, romantic notions of implied consent and this strange idea that I could just stop an act, even if it meant lying.</p>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
<p>Lying always worked so well with your dad, did it?</p>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
<p>No, and now I was finding out that this was the case in relationships beyond just typefucking. It made me realize, on some level, how superficial my interactions up until this point had been. I had gone from being the type of person who believed she was living an earnest life with earnest people, enjoying deep relationships, falling in love.</p>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
<p>Were you not?</p>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
<p>Perhaps I was on some level, but I was missing this key component: that my actions have consequences.</p>
|
|
<p>Not that I’m blaming myself for what happened, of course. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole, after all. But non-action is still an action. Not saying no was still an action. Being unwilling to learn about the fact that my actions have consequences was an action.</p>
|
|
<p>It called into question how passive I had been in the past. It called into question how little I had been saying no in the past. It called into question how little I had actually learned about how the world worked.</p>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
<p>“Coming to terms with being a terrible person,” you wrote.</p>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
<p>Yes, and I wrote that in the thick of this realization. At that point, I was coming to terms with all of these things, the passivity and the willful ignorance.</p>
|
|
<p>I was coming to terms with how much I was hurting those around me, and just how much I had to learn.</p>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
<p>And boy howdy.</p>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
<p>Yeah. I would continue to hurt those around me for years. I still do. I’m getting better, though. I’m willing to learn, now.</p>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
<p>“I cannot possibly bow low enough, I cannot possibly apologize with enough sincerity to make up for the hurt I’ve caused you,” you wrote.</p>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
<p>Yes. And I stand by it.</p>
|
|
<p>I have much to learn, but I’ve come a long ways from who I used to be.</p>
|
|
<p>The specifics of what happened aren’t really important. What is important is the moment before, and the moment after.</p>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
<p>The blackbird whistling, or just after.</p>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
</article>
|
|
<footer>
|
|
<p>Page generated on 2020-06-24</p>
|
|
</footer>
|
|
</main>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
document.querySelectorAll('.tag').forEach(tag => {
|
|
let text = tag.innerText;
|
|
tag.innerText = '';
|
|
tag.innerHTML = `<a href="/tags.html#${text}">${text}</a>`;
|
|
});
|
|
</script>
|
|
</body>
|
|
</html>
|