173 lines
64 KiB
HTML
173 lines
64 KiB
HTML
<!doctype html>
|
||
<html>
|
||
<head>
|
||
<title>Zk | 008</title>
|
||
<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="/style.css" />
|
||
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width" />
|
||
<meta charset="utf-8" />
|
||
</head>
|
||
<body>
|
||
<main>
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h1>Zk | 008</h1>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<article class="content">
|
||
<hr />
|
||
<p>date: 2019-08-22
|
||
weight: 8</p>
|
||
<hr />
|
||
<p>October 26, 2014:</p>
|
||
<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="nv">Hey</span> <span class="nv">Matt</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Been</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="k">while</span> <span class="nv">since</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve heard from you. You guys get all settled in the new house? Need to get together and catch up. Still have that gun for your collection.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Doing</span> <span class="nv">well</span> <span class="nv">here</span>. <span class="nv">Grandma</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">getting</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">bit</span> <span class="nv">more</span> <span class="nv">frail</span>. <span class="nv">We</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">going</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">thanksgiving</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Dad</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Sent</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">BlackBerry</span> <span class="mi">10</span> <span class="nv">smartphone</span>.
|
||
</code></pre></div>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>Never one to beat around the bush.</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>No indeed.</p>
|
||
<p>Three and a half hours later, my reply:</p>
|
||
<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="nv">Hey</span> <span class="nv">dad</span>,
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Things</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">going</span> <span class="nv">fine</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">house</span>, <span class="nv">though</span> <span class="nv">things</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">more</span> <span class="nv">expensive</span> <span class="nv">than</span> <span class="nv">they</span> <span class="nv">first</span> <span class="nv">seem</span>. <span class="nv">We</span> <span class="nv">got</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">old</span> <span class="nv">house</span> <span class="nv">rented</span> <span class="nv">out</span>, <span class="nv">though</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">helps</span><span class="c1">; the mortgage on that is about $650, and it's renting for $1550, so the extra cash really helps with the new place. Other than finances though,it's going really well. Loveland's kind of a desert for restaurants and things to do, but we've got enough to keep us occupied at the house.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">It</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s a shame to hear about grandma, but I suppose that</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">sort</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">happens</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">one</span> <span class="nv">gets</span> <span class="nv">older</span>. <span class="nv">You</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ll have to say hi for me, I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">ll</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">travelling</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">Seattle</span> <span class="nv">around</span> <span class="k">then</span>. <span class="nv">Things</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">going</span> <span class="nv">okay</span> <span class="nv">here</span>, <span class="nv">work</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s going really well and there</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">lots</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">travel</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">got</span> <span class="nv">back</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">Brussels</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">too</span> <span class="nv">long</span> <span class="nv">ago</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">currently</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">Bay</span> <span class="nv">Area</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">first</span> <span class="nv">Actual</span> <span class="nv">Vacation</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve taken in a while, the rest having been coincidental things with conferences and conventions. We</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">ll</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">meet</span> <span class="nv">up</span> <span class="nv">sometime</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">drinks</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">catching</span> <span class="nv">up</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">In</span> <span class="nv">all</span>, <span class="nv">things</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">going</span> <span class="nv">well</span>, <span class="nv">though</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">think</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">need</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">more</span> <span class="nv">honest</span> <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">big</span> <span class="nv">part</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">life</span> <span class="nv">over</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">last</span> <span class="nv">several</span> <span class="nv">years</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">In</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">life</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">gay</span> <span class="nv">man</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">believe</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">ever</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">come</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">explicit</span> <span class="nv">manner</span> <span class="nv">once</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">high</span> <span class="nv">school</span>, <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">first</span> <span class="nv">week</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">classes</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">our</span> <span class="nv">counselors</span> <span class="nv">came</span> <span class="nv">around</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">our</span> <span class="nv">homeroom</span> <span class="nv">class</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">hold</span> <span class="nv">some</span> <span class="nv">getting</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">to</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">know</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">exercise</span>. <span class="nv">This</span> <span class="nv">consisted</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">lot</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">bored</span> <span class="nv">kids</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">one</span> <span class="s2">"</span><span class="s">excited</span><span class="s2">"</span> <span class="nv">counselor</span> <span class="nv">asking</span> <span class="nv">us</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">series</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">yes</span> <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">questions</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">having</span> <span class="nv">us</span> <span class="nv">move</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">one</span> <span class="nv">side</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">room</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">yes</span><span class="s1">'</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">other</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">no</span><span class="s1">'</span>. <span class="nv">Being</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">progressive</span> <span class="nv">town</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">didn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">t expect to be the only kid to answer the question "Will you get married when you grow up?" with no, but sure enough, I was. I was feeling brave, so, when I was questioned about my response in front of the class, mumbled, "gay marriage is illegal, and I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">m</span> <span class="nv">gay</span>.<span class="s2">"</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">All</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">other</span> <span class="nv">times</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">had</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">come</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">family</span> <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="nv">friends</span>, <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">something</span> <span class="nv">assumed</span>, <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="nv">something</span> <span class="nv">hinted</span> <span class="nv">at</span>. <span class="nv">When</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">came</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">mom</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">did</span> <span class="nv">so</span> <span class="nv">by</span> <span class="nv">leaving</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">book</span> <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">gay</span> <span class="nv">teens</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">their</span> <span class="nv">stories</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">her</span> <span class="nv">stack</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">books</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">read</span>. <span class="nv">Coming</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">work</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">first</span> <span class="nv">job</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">college</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">matter</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">being</span> <span class="s2">"</span><span class="s">the one hired by the gay manager</span><span class="s2">"</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">coming</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">second</span> <span class="nv">job</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">matter</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">relationship</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">James</span> <span class="nv">being</span> <span class="nv">included</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">portfolio</span> <span class="nv">piece</span> <span class="o">-</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">data</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">visualization</span> <span class="nv">r</span>é<span class="nv">sum</span>é <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">life</span>. <span class="nv">When</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="o">*</span><span class="nv">officially</span><span class="o">*</span> <span class="nv">came</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">you</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">did</span> <span class="nv">so</span> <span class="nv">by</span> <span class="nv">inviting</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">wedding</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">James</span>. <span class="nv">Prior</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">that</span>, <span class="nv">although</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">assume</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">common</span> <span class="nv">knowledge</span>, <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">unspoken</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Needless</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">say</span>, <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m not all that good at coming out.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Running</span> <span class="nv">away</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">turning</span> <span class="nv">point</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="o">-</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">both</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">us</span>, <span class="nv">really</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">think</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">been</span> <span class="nv">guarded</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">our</span> <span class="nv">communication</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">each</span> <span class="nv">other</span>. <span class="nv">During</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">life</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">felt</span> <span class="nv">under</span> <span class="nv">intense</span> <span class="nv">distress</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">couldn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">t express to you. Not only did I not have the words, it didn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">fit</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">perceived</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">our</span> <span class="nv">mode</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">communication</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">felt</span> <span class="nv">stuck</span>, <span class="nv">drained</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">worthless</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">path</span> <span class="nv">forward</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">escape</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">After</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">incident</span>, <span class="nv">however</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">shut</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">even</span> <span class="nv">more</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">didn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">t feel that talking through emotions, feelings, and identity with you was appropriate or allowed. This was something based off of my perceptions, which were that there are appropriate conversations to have, and that not all conversations fit into this category. I think - I hope - that my perceptions growing up were wrong. I know that my running away caused a lot of pain, and that</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">something</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">bad</span> <span class="nv">about</span>, <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">coming</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">through</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">wedding</span> <span class="nv">invite</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">classiest</span> <span class="nv">move</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">bad</span> <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">well</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">It</span> <span class="nv">has</span> <span class="nv">been</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">goal</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">friends</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">partners</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">relationships</span> <span class="nv">based</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">ability</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">share</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">emotions</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">problems</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">part</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">parcel</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">being</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">living</span> <span class="nv">human</span> <span class="nv">being</span>. <span class="nv">Over</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">last</span> <span class="nv">few</span> <span class="nv">years</span>, <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve worked to open up to my mom as well, letting deliberate honesty take the place of obfuscation and lying through omission about the things that are tough to talk about. I think that, as my dad, I owe that to you as well. I want to make up for all the lost conversations that we</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">ve</span> <span class="nv">never</span> <span class="nv">had</span>. <span class="nv">We</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve made good buddies over the last few decades, and I think it</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">important</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">also</span> <span class="nv">make</span> <span class="nv">good</span> <span class="nv">family</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">So</span> <span class="nv">what</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s this about?</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve been having troubles fitting within a masculine role for as long as I can remember. Early on, this was shown through a disregard for the boyish aspects of childhood: a lack of interest in sports, a fascination with reading the same books Marika (I apologize if I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">ve</span> <span class="nv">misspelled</span> <span class="nv">her</span> <span class="nv">name</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">believe</span> <span class="nv">that</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s the first time I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">ve</span> <span class="nv">ever</span> <span class="nv">written</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">myself</span><span class="ss">)</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">need</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">keep</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">cliques</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">other</span> <span class="nv">boys</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">early</span> <span class="nv">school</span> <span class="nv">years</span>, <span class="nv">except</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">crowd</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">misfits</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">wound</span> <span class="nv">up</span> <span class="nv">palling</span> <span class="nv">around</span> <span class="nv">with</span>, <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">whom</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">keep</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">touch</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Moving</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">college</span>, <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">course</span>, <span class="nv">provided</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">sorts</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">opportunities</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">explore</span>. <span class="nv">Although</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">spent</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">hanging</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">LGBT</span> <span class="nv">student</span> <span class="nv">services</span> <span class="nv">office</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">fiddled</span> <span class="nv">around</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">sorts</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">different</span> <span class="nv">relationships</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">maintained</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">repressed</span> <span class="nv">attitude</span> <span class="nv">toward</span> <span class="nv">gender</span>. <span class="nv">There</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">tendency</span> <span class="nv">among</span> <span class="nv">gay</span> <span class="nv">men</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">incredibly</span> <span class="nv">misogynistic</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">experienced</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">shortage</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="k">until</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">managed</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">quit</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">group</span>, <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">switched</span> <span class="nv">into</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">major</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">felt</span> <span class="nv">fit</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">much</span> <span class="nv">better</span>. <span class="nv">Working</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">music</span> <span class="nv">department</span> <span class="nv">taught</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">lot</span> <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">how</span> <span class="nv">gender</span> <span class="nv">roles</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">cemented</span> <span class="nv">within</span> <span class="nv">western</span> <span class="nv">culture</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">particular</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">remember</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">discussion</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">which</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">young</span> <span class="nv">woman</span> <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">had</span> <span class="nv">accepted</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">male</span> <span class="nv">part</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">operetta</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">taught</span> <span class="nv">how</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">walk</span> <span class="nv">like</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">man</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Somewhere</span> <span class="nv">around</span> <span class="k">then</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">understood</span> <span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">feminism</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">about</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">realized</span> <span class="nv">how</span> <span class="nv">everything</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">wages</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">ways</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">which</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">walk</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">coded</span> <span class="nv">toward</span> <span class="nv">gender</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">hated</span> <span class="nv">it</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">didn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">t fit this masculine role into which I was born, and there was little to nothing I could do about it.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Gayle</span> <span class="nv">Rubin</span> <span class="nv">describes</span> <span class="nv">gender</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">aggregation</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="s2">"</span><span class="s">chromosomal sex, hormonal exposure, internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and psychological identifications.</span><span class="s2">"</span> <span class="nv">Needless</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">say</span>, <span class="nv">there</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s a lot bound up in the topic, and a whole lot of it made me feel awful. I spent most of 2012 doing my level best to reject gender in its entirety. I denied my masculinity as I strived for neutrality and, while I gained quite a bit of insight, I gained little ground in terms of tackling my own problems with my identity.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">It</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s only recently that I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">ve</span> <span class="nv">decided</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">come</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">problem</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">identity</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">personal</span> <span class="nv">friction</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">explicit</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">deliberate</span> <span class="nv">fashion</span>. <span class="nv">There</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">things</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">life</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">make</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">bad</span> <span class="o">-</span> <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">there</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">everyone</span> <span class="o">-</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve found that it</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">job</span>, <span class="nv">more</span> <span class="nv">than</span> <span class="nv">anyone</span> <span class="k">else</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s, to fix the things in my life that cause me pain. Identity, after all, is that which we feel about ourselves when under duress.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">What</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">boils</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">to</span>, <span class="nv">really</span>, <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m more than just uncomfortable in a masculine role, it causes me intense psychological distress, and so I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">m</span> <span class="nv">working</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">fix</span> <span class="nv">that</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve found ways to soothe this friction, however, and, as I mentioned, I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">m</span> <span class="nv">deliberately</span> <span class="nv">pursuing</span> <span class="nv">these</span> <span class="nv">fronts</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">little</span> <span class="nv">things</span>, <span class="nv">like</span> <span class="nv">dress</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">less</span> <span class="nv">masculine</span> <span class="nv">fashion</span>, <span class="nv">walk</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">less</span> <span class="nv">swagger</span>, <span class="nv">and</span>, <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">get</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">point</span>, <span class="nv">change</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">name</span> <span class="nv">away</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">something</span> <span class="nv">so</span> <span class="nv">decidedly</span> <span class="nv">masculine</span>. <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m working on changing my name from Matthew Joseph Scott to Madison Jesse Scott-Clary. It</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">way</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">mitigate</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">distress</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">it</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s working well from my point of view. I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">m</span> <span class="nv">finally</span> <span class="nv">being</span> <span class="nv">proactive</span> <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">self</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">actualization</span> <span class="nv">rather</span> <span class="nv">than</span> <span class="nv">waiting</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">come</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">outside</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">it</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s doing me wonders.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">waffle</span> <span class="nv">quite</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">bit</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">whether</span> <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">adopt</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">label</span> <span class="nv">transgender</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">myself</span>, <span class="nv">but</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">lot</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">ways</span>, <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">fits</span>. <span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">Transgender</span><span class="s1">'</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">umbrella</span> <span class="nv">term</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">encompasses</span> <span class="nv">most</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">gender</span> <span class="nv">variance</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">human</span> <span class="nv">population</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">literally</span> <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">means</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">identifying</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">culturally</span> <span class="nv">defined</span> <span class="nv">gender</span> <span class="nv">roles</span> <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="nv">categories</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">male</span> <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="nv">female</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">pertains</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">one</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s sex assigned at birth.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Going</span> <span class="nv">back</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">Rubin</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s definition of gender, it is my psychological identification that is not in line with my biological sex. I don</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="s2">"</span><span class="s">more like a woman than a man</span><span class="s2">"</span>, <span class="nv">so</span> <span class="nv">much</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">decidedly</span> <span class="nv">ungendered</span>. <span class="nv">Gender</span> <span class="nv">itself</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">non</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">binary</span> <span class="o">-</span> <span class="nv">there</span> <span class="nv">isn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">t simply an either-or, or a line between two extremes, but a whole realm of experience that exists, unique to each person as an individual.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">As</span> <span class="nv">far</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">definitions</span> <span class="nv">go</span>, <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">makes</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">more</span> <span class="s2">"</span><span class="s">genderqueer</span><span class="s2">"</span> <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="s2">"</span><span class="s">genderfluid</span><span class="s2">"</span>, <span class="nv">rather</span> <span class="nv">than</span> <span class="nv">simply</span> <span class="s2">"</span><span class="s">transgender</span><span class="s2">"</span>. <span class="nv">However</span>, <span class="nv">given</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">tendency</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">shy</span> <span class="nv">away</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">masculinity</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">think</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">safe</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">say</span> <span class="nv">that</span>, <span class="nv">although</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">will</span> <span class="nv">aways</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">man</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">shape</span> <span class="ss">(</span><span class="nv">there</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s no changing my height, natch), I will be a lot less masculine, and thus to all appearances by society at large more feminine, than I have been in the past. So while transgender works, I generally describe myself as agender or genderqueer, and use gender-neutral pronouns such as "they/them/theirs" to refer to myself.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Big</span> <span class="nv">picture</span>, <span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">does</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">mean</span>?
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve already brought up the name change, and as yet, that</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">one</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">set</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">very</span> <span class="nv">small</span> <span class="nv">changes</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">make</span> <span class="nv">up</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">attempts</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">alleviate</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">particular</span> <span class="nv">type</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">distress</span>. <span class="nv">It</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s these little things - changing my name, growing my hair out, carefully choosing the clothing that I purchase - that I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">ve</span> <span class="nv">adopted</span> <span class="nv">so</span> <span class="nv">far</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">deliberate</span> <span class="nv">attempts</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">make</span> <span class="nv">myself</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">better</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span>, <span class="nv">however</span>, <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">me</span>. <span class="nv">There</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">nothing</span> <span class="nv">above</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">surface</span> <span class="nv">level</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">changing</span>. <span class="nv">This</span> <span class="nv">has</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">been</span> <span class="nv">me</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">will</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">me</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">there</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s certainly no changing that. Little things such as changing my name are ways in which I can better align that sense of self with the ways in which the world perceives me.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">These</span> <span class="nv">changes</span> <span class="nv">allow</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">live</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">way</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">makes</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">content</span>. <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve been searching for a long time for the supposed happiness that comes with being a grown-up, and, like most everyone, decided it</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">bogus</span>. <span class="nv">However</span>, <span class="nv">there</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">something</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">said</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">realizing</span> <span class="nv">oneself</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">way</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">provides</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">utmost</span> <span class="nv">self</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">fulfillment</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">oneself</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">provide</span>. <span class="nv">What</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">comes</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">good</span> <span class="nv">here</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">better</span> <span class="nv">than</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">long</span>, <span class="nv">long</span> <span class="nv">time</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">think</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">actions</span> <span class="nv">speak</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">themselves</span>: <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">What</span> <span class="nv">does</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">mean</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">you</span>?
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Dad</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">appreciate</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">you</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve done for me. I owe so much more to you than I could ever put into words. So much of the things we did while I was growing up proved formative to who I am today, and there</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">expressing</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">gratitude</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">that</span>. <span class="nv">You</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve given me so much that there</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">amount</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">could</span> <span class="nv">give</span> <span class="nv">back</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">repay</span> <span class="nv">that</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">understand</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">changes</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">making</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">myself</span>, <span class="nv">now</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m nearing 30, vary in size from minuscule to enormous. I understand that I am changing some pretty integral parts of myself, some of which you had a say in yourself, such as my name.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">What</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">comes</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m writing to seek your acceptance. It needn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">immediate</span> <span class="ss">(</span><span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m telling you this in a letter for a reason, take all the time you need in responding), and it needn</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">necessarily</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">wholehearted</span>. <span class="nv">However</span>, <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">path</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m heading down, dad, and I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">m</span> <span class="nv">determined</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">so</span>. <span class="nv">There</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s years and years and years of thought and emotion bound up inside of these steps I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">m</span> <span class="nv">taking</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">want</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">aware</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">them</span>, <span class="nv">and</span>, <span class="k">if</span> <span class="nv">it</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">s alright by you, for you to be a part of them.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">our</span> <span class="nv">communication</span> <span class="nv">over</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">years</span> <span class="nv">has</span> <span class="nv">been</span> <span class="nv">rough</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">places</span>, <span class="nv">but</span> <span class="nv">lets</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">opening</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">conversation</span> <span class="nv">between</span> <span class="nv">us</span> <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">each</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">us</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">hope</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">hear</span> <span class="nv">back</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">soon</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Apologies</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">so</span> <span class="nv">many</span> <span class="nv">words</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">wrote</span> <span class="nv">rather</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">lot</span>. <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ll stop here and leave some links and resources below. I wish you all the best in work and in life.</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Always</span> <span class="nv">yours</span>,
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Madison</span> <span class="nv">Scott</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">Clary</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Some</span> <span class="nv">resources</span>:
|
||
|
||
[<span class="mi">0</span>] <span class="nv">A</span> <span class="nv">good</span> <span class="nv">explanation</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">neutrois</span><span class="o">/</span><span class="nv">agender</span><span class="o">/</span><span class="nv">genderqueer</span>:
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Take</span> <span class="nv">everything</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">associate</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">masculinity</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">put</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">into</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">metaphorical</span> <span class="nv">yard</span>. <span class="k">Then</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">same</span> <span class="nv">thing</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">everything</span> <span class="nv">feminine</span>, <span class="nv">putting</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">into</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">adjacent</span> <span class="nv">yard</span>. <span class="k">Then</span>, <span class="nv">build</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">low</span> <span class="nv">stone</span> <span class="nv">wall</span> <span class="ss">(</span><span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">fence</span><span class="ss">)</span> <span class="nv">between</span> <span class="nv">them</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">put</span> <span class="nv">atop</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">wall</span> <span class="nv">everything</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">associate</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">both</span> <span class="nv">genders</span>. <span class="k">Then</span>, <span class="nv">imagine</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">walked</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">wall</span>, <span class="nv">picked</span> <span class="nv">up</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">lot</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">attributes</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">center</span> <span class="nv">place</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="k">then</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">parts</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">both</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">yards</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">most</span> <span class="nv">appealed</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">me</span>.
|
||
|
||
[<span class="mi">1</span>] <span class="nv">A</span> <span class="nv">good</span> <span class="nv">set</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">pages</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">subject</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">transgender</span> <span class="nv">issues</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">gender</span> <span class="nv">variance</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">whole</span>: <span class="nv">http</span>:<span class="o">//</span><span class="nv">transwhat</span>.<span class="nv">org</span><span class="o">/</span>
|
||
|
||
[<span class="mi">2</span>] <span class="nv">A</span> <span class="nv">well</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">written</span> <span class="nv">video</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">non</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">binary</span> <span class="nv">gender</span>, <span class="nv">sexuality</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">presentation</span>: <span class="nv">http</span>:<span class="o">//</span><span class="nv">www</span>.<span class="nv">youtube</span>.<span class="nv">com</span><span class="o">/</span><span class="nv">watch</span>?<span class="nv">v</span><span class="o">=</span><span class="nv">ibAGYQtk3r4</span>
|
||
|
||
[<span class="mi">3</span>] <span class="nv">A</span> <span class="nv">friend</span>, <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">going</span> <span class="nv">through</span> <span class="nv">similar</span> <span class="nv">changes</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">their</span> <span class="nv">life</span>, <span class="nv">wrote</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">good</span> <span class="nv">analogy</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">binaries</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">identities</span>: <span class="nv">https</span>:<span class="o">//</span><span class="nv">medium</span>.<span class="nv">com</span><span class="o">/</span>@<span class="nv">indilatrani</span><span class="o">/</span><span class="nv">early</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">birds</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">and</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">night</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">owls</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">afc59712b0b8</span>
|
||
|
||
[<span class="mi">4</span>] <span class="nv">A</span> <span class="nv">really</span> <span class="nv">good</span> <span class="nv">paper</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">types</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">things</span> <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">ve been working through over the past decade or so: http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/Witnessing.pdf</span>
|
||
</code></pre></div>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>I'm ashamed to be associated with you.</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>Oh come now.</p>
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>2300 words.</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>It's not that bad.</p>
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>You have four footnotes</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>Okay, maybe it's a little bad.</p>
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>One of them is an academic paper.</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>Okay, it's bad.</p>
|
||
<p>Remember when I had the accident with the Pathfinder, though?</p>
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>He told you not to talk like a lawyer, that shit happens. I don't think that means write an essay for class.</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>Is it your department to experience just how difficult it is to interact with him.</p>
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>No. It's my department to mirror that back at you.</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>Interacting with him was walking a minefield of proclamations. One didn't just discuss a topic. One didn't just feel emotions and have a heart to heart. One learned about something and showed that they knew what they were talking about. I <em>had</em> to talk like a lawyer. I <em>had</em> to write an essay.</p>
|
||
<p>Matthew was dead, and this was me letting him go. Madison was a newborn. Less than two months old. I couldn't not be careful. I was too fragile.</p>
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>What was his reply?</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>Four days later.</p>
|
||
<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="nv">Hey</span> <span class="nv">Madison</span>
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">First</span> <span class="nv">things</span> <span class="nv">first</span>. <span class="nv">Congratulation</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">vacation</span>. <span class="nv">They</span> <span class="nv">seem</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">hard</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">come</span> <span class="nv">by</span> <span class="nv">lately</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">Maurine</span> <span class="nv">doesn</span>’<span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">consider</span> <span class="nv">going</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">Tucson</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">vacation</span> <span class="nv">any</span> <span class="nv">more</span>. <span class="nv">We</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">love</span> <span class="nv">San</span> <span class="nv">Fran</span>. <span class="nv">Maybe</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">trip</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">spring</span>. <span class="nv">Playing</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">lot</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">deadline</span> <span class="nv">games</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">fall</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">pretty</span> <span class="nv">much</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">been</span> <span class="nv">stuck</span> <span class="nv">here</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">office</span>. <span class="nv">Can</span>’<span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">bitch</span>. <span class="nv">It</span> <span class="nv">pays</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">retirement</span> <span class="ss">(</span><span class="nv">whatever</span> <span class="nv">that</span>’<span class="nv">ll</span> <span class="nv">be</span><span class="ss">)</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Thanks</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">letter</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">glad</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">get</span> <span class="nv">something</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">read</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">has</span> <span class="nv">some</span> <span class="nv">meat</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">it</span>. <span class="nv">Also</span> <span class="nv">thanks</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">sharing</span> <span class="nv">your</span> <span class="nv">thoughts</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">feelings</span>. <span class="nv">That</span> <span class="nv">thing</span> <span class="nv">they</span> <span class="k">call</span> <span class="nl">life</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">slippery</span> <span class="nv">beast</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">happy</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">little</span> <span class="nv">more</span> <span class="nv">comfortable</span> <span class="nv">walking</span> <span class="nv">around</span>. <span class="nv">It</span>’<span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">funny</span> <span class="nv">how</span> <span class="nv">easy</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">say</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">don</span>’<span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">care</span> <span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">people</span> <span class="nv">think</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">deep</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">your</span> <span class="nv">innate</span> <span class="nv">reflex</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">care</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Anyway</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">truly</span> <span class="nv">happy</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">you</span>. <span class="nv">It</span>’<span class="nv">s</span> <span class="nv">your</span> <span class="nv">life</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">should</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">fun</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">easy</span> <span class="nv">as</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">make</span> <span class="nv">it</span>. <span class="nv">Seems</span> <span class="nv">thoughtful</span> <span class="nv">people</span> <span class="nv">tend</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">beat</span> <span class="nv">themselves</span> <span class="nv">up</span> <span class="k">while</span> <span class="nv">many</span> <span class="nv">others</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">cruise</span> <span class="nv">through</span> <span class="nv">life</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">grin</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">envy</span> <span class="nv">them</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">times</span>. <span class="nv">It</span> <span class="nv">took</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">lot</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">years</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">learn</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">relax</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">enjoy</span> <span class="nv">things</span>. <span class="nv">I</span>’<span class="nv">ve</span> <span class="nv">had</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">times</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">gone</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">see</span> <span class="nv">counselors</span> <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">because</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">couldn</span>’<span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">feel</span> <span class="nv">settled</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">life</span>. <span class="nv">Each</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">I</span>’<span class="nv">ve</span> <span class="nv">learned</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">little</span> <span class="nv">bit</span> <span class="nv">about</span> <span class="nv">myself</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">helps</span> <span class="nv">slow</span> <span class="nv">down</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">troubles</span> <span class="nv">so</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">good</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">enjoyed</span>. <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">will</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">there</span> <span class="k">if</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">need</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">matter</span> <span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">your</span> <span class="nv">name</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">or</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">matter</span> <span class="nv">your</span> <span class="nv">gender</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Still</span> <span class="nv">looking</span> <span class="nv">forward</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">seeing</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">Madison</span>. <span class="nv">This</span> <span class="nv">weekend</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">bit</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">rush</span>, <span class="nv">but</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">around</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="k">then</span> <span class="nv">till</span> <span class="nv">Thanksgiving</span>. <span class="nv">Let</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">your</span> <span class="nv">address</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">Maurine</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">would</span> <span class="nv">love</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">come</span> <span class="nv">up</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">see</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">new</span> <span class="nv">digs</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">some</span> <span class="nv">lunch</span>.
|
||
|
||
<span class="nv">Love</span> <span class="nv">Dad</span>
|
||
</code></pre></div>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<blockquote>
|
||
<p>Dig deeper.</p>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
</article>
|
||
<footer>
|
||
<p>Page generated on 2020-04-24</p>
|
||
</footer>
|
||
</main>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html>
|