112 lines
7.1 KiB
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112 lines
7.1 KiB
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<title>Zk | 02</title>
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<h1>Zk | 02</h1>
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<article class="content">
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<p>date: 2019-08-13
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weight: 2
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tags:
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- snarky
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- humor
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- demanding
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- questions
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categories:
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- polyamory
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- nostalgia
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- Ship of Theseus</p>
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<hr />
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<blockquote>
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<p>I suppose you also searched your archives for poly.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>You know me so well.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Of course.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>The first mention on LiveJournal was April 6th, 2004.</p>
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<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="nv">Of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">interesting</span> <span class="nv">topics</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">popped</span> <span class="nv">up</span>, <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">polygamy</span> <span class="nv">stuck</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">most</span>. <span class="nv">Michael</span> <span class="nv">has</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">date</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">another</span> <span class="nv">on</span> <span class="nv">Thursday</span> <span class="nv">and</span>, <span class="k">while</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="nv">brought</span> <span class="nv">up</span> <span class="nv">issues</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">Merlin</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">Atrius</span>, <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">can</span> <span class="nv">say</span> <span class="nv">right</span> <span class="nv">now</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">Michael</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">wish</span> <span class="nv">him</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">best</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">luck</span>. <span class="nv">It</span> <span class="nv">just</span> <span class="nv">feels</span> <span class="nv">like</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">would</span> <span class="nv">actually</span> <span class="o">/</span><span class="nv">work</span><span class="o">/</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">his</span> <span class="nv">case</span>. <span class="nv">As</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">how</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">pertains</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">me</span>, <span class="nv">I</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="s">m not sure if my mind could handle having two mates. Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don</span><span class="s1">'</span><span class="nv">t</span> <span class="nv">think</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">could</span> <span class="nv">find</span> <span class="nv">another</span> <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">a</span><span class="ss">)</span> <span class="nv">would</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">willing</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">sort</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">relationship</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">b</span><span class="ss">)</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">could</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">sort</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">relationship</span> <span class="nv">with</span>. <span class="nv">Ah</span> <span class="nv">well</span>. <span class="nv">Something</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">think</span> <span class="nv">about</span>.
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</code></pre></div>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>That’s hindsight talking.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>You literally just got out of a therapy session where you talked about how you don’t believe you deserve a better job.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Touché.</p>
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<p>Michael and I’s relationship was rocky, tumultuous. We met through a queer group and from there wound up in a weird, heated romance that danced around sex, gender, mental health, everything. We fought, we made up. We got annoying. We made out a lot, we had sex, though with each of our individual hangups around sex, it was rarely penetrative.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>It was penetrative once.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>That’s rare, isn’t it?</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Vanishingly.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>You were a cis gay guy. You told me that. You were unsure of vaginas.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>It started that way, I suppose. I learned.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Then you bought one for yourself.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Listen.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Yes?</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>There were bits of sexuality that didn’t work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>‘Bepenised’? ‘Ship-of-Theseusizing’?</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>You verbed it first.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>We’ve gotten off track.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Right.</p>
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<p>In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>It didn’t last. That was part of the breaking point. Similarly with Andrew and Ryn. I’ve heard it said that jealousy is a sign that one’s needs are not being met.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>What did you need that you weren’t getting?</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>I thought it was someone to myself.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>You couldn’t own yourself, maybe you could own someone else.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>That hurts to hear.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Is it wrong?</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>I don’t know. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe I wanted to keep someone. To possess them. Maybe it was a reaction to being owned.</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>Let’s talk about kink.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Let’s fucking not.</p>
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</article>
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<p>Page generated on 2024-05-04</p>
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