update from sparkleup

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/12-payoff.md

@@ -6,13 +6,11 @@ That space, I imagine, will contract. I will slowly retract that distension back
 
 Better? I hope so, but it is yet to be seen.
 
-For the point of my subconscious strain has faded, and only the habit of doing so remains. Where before I would dream of getting the chance to hold Kay's hand or to lay in bed next to her or, and let's not mince words here as this is what journals are for, make love, I now dream about what that life would have looked like in greater clarity.
+For the point of my subconscious strain has faded, and only the habit of doing so remains. Where before I would dream of getting the chance to hold Kay's hand or to lay in bed next to her or, and let's not mince words here as this is what journals are for, make love, I now dream about what that life would have looked like in greater clarity. Where before I would construct a counterfactual universe in which we lived a perfect life, in which her fur was as soft as it was in my dreams, I now construct counterfactual universes in which we got together and it was specifically *not* perfect, and I run down a list of all of the things that might have hindered perfection. Religion, sure, but what about that envy I felt at the concert? Was that a one-time thing? Would that have carried over? Would I be a possessive partner, or would that have relaxed? And so I imagine both.
 
-While before I would construct a counterfactual universe in which we lived a perfect life, in which her fur was as soft as it was in my dreams, I now construct counterfactual universes in which we got together and it was specifically not perfect, and I run down a checklist of all of the things that might have hindered perfection. Religion, sure, but what about that envy I felt at the concert? Would that have carried over? Would I be a possessive partner, or would that have relaxed? And so I imagine both.
+I imagine us a few years down the line, sharing an apartment. I imagine which of us would have to move. Would I move my practice to Boise? Would she be content, as a musician, to live out here in Sawtooth? We have a good enough music program at the university that she got her bachelors out here, but that presupposes the fact that she might want to teach. Would we even stay in Idaho?
 
-I imagine us a few years down the line, sharing an apartment. I imagine which of us would have to move. Would I move my practice to Boise? Would she be content, as a musician, to live out here in Sawtooth? We have a good enough music program at the university that she got her bachelors out here, but that presupposes the fact that she might want to teach.
-
-And how would us living together look, anyway? I have my little one-bedroom apartment that suits me in particular due to its solitude. It faces a ruddy creek that has been gussied up into something grander through landscaping and a bike path. I like my solitude, but living together means having someone constantly in your space. Where would I get that solitude?
+And how would us living together look, anyway? I have my little one-bedroom apartment that suits me in particular due to its solitude. It faces a ruddy creek that has been gussied up into something grander through landscaping and a meandering path. I like my solitude, but living together means having someone constantly in your space. Where would I get that solitude?
 
 I have my apartment set up with a combination library/den/home office and my bedroom, while Kay has her computer in her bedroom which is also her living room which is also, for the most part, her kitchen. Where would she put her computer, and where would I put mine? Would we share a library? I imagine so; in my brighter imaginings, I picture how we might have looked, sitting on a couch by our combined bookshelves, each reading our own thing.
 
@@ -38,12 +36,10 @@ Where are the compromises? Where are the fights? Where are we twenty, thirty, fo
 
 Before, when limerence filled me to overflowing, I imagined in dreamy yeses and delicate physicality. Now that that has faded and left something else in its place, I imagine in questions. I imagine in what-ifs and is-it-actuallys.
 
-In the end, though, I hope that it is better. More, I *believe* that it is better, this numbness that has taken its place. I believe it must be, because if there is one sensation that I can liken to this numbness, these imaginings, these feelings and emotions, it is healing.
+In the end, though, I hope that this is better. More, I *believe* that it is better, this numbness that has taken its place. I believe it must be, because if there is one sensation that I can liken to this numbness, these imaginings, these feelings and emotions, it is healing.
 
 Trite? Sure, but limerence was an unwieldy mass that laid claim to me, and, even at its best, I was opposed to that claim. I am healing from the wounds that it left when it dug its claws into me, when it was removed and left that hole where once it was.
 
 I am free of it, I am healing, and all these imaginings and suppositions boil down to me desiring only that, should we wind up deciding some day down the line to get together, that we come across that jointly, consensually, honestly, syntonically, uninfluenced by that wildness of the heart, as past-Dee put it.
 
-If we come together, it should be for real.
-
 -----

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/13-epilogue.md

@@ -4,11 +4,11 @@ I closed my steno pad after the most recent entry, fully intending that that wou
 
 I felt my ears redden. "You think I'll keep writing about it?"
 
-"Of course I do, Dee. It's just how you work. I think you reached a milestone with this, and I'm honestly proud of you. You were always courageous, you know. You can think of it like a hill, you had to push and push and push through enough, and you kept doing so even if you didn't really know you were. Then you hit the tipping point at the top of the hill and that courage came through and did its job."
+"Of course I do, Dee. It's just how you work. I think you reached a milestone with this, and I'm honestly proud of you. You were always courageous, you know. You can think of it like a hill, you had to push and push and push, and you kept doing so even if you didn't really know you were. Then you hit the tipping point at the top of the hill and that courage came through and did its job."
 
 I nodded and mumbled a thanks.
 
-"So, yes, you reached a milestone, but the work isn't over, I think. Are you ready to just drop back into your old friendship with Kay?"
+"So, yes, you reached a milestone, but the work isn't over, I bet. Are you ready to just drop back into your old friendship with Kay?"
 
 After a moment's thought, I shook my head. "No. It's changed things plenty. The last few days feel like a renegotiation of boundaries. It feels like we're both being really careful around the other."
 
@@ -28,9 +28,9 @@ I do agree with the first point that Jeremy made, though. I really ought to keep
 
 So, yes. The work continues.
 
-Kay broached the subject of stopping by UI Sawtooth for a concert some day and spending a bit of time together. The doors to friendship remain open, and I don't imagine that it will be intolerably awkward, but it will still present challenges. Would hugging be too awkward? Should we spend the whole trip together much like we did the last one?
+Kay broached the subject of stopping by UI Sawtooth for a concert some day and spending a bit of time together. The doors to friendship remain open, and I don't imagine that it will be *intolerably* awkward, but it will still present challenges. Would hugging be too awkward? Should we spend the whole trip together much like we did the last one?
 
-As the next step of my spiritual discernment, I have reached out to the parish priest about offering free mental health counseling to less fortunate members of the congregation or those who stop by the mission the church runs in town and he is going to set up a meeting with the bishop of the diocese to see if there's space for such in a church-sanctioned context. I think that I would be happy enough to volunteer such on my own. It's not the spiritual counseling that I had once planned on after my undergrad, but it is something far more in my area of expertise and comfort.
+As the next step of my *spiritual* discernment, I have reached out to the parish priest about offering free mental health counseling to less fortunate members of the congregation or those who stop by the mission the church runs in town and he is going to set up a meeting with the bishop of the diocese to see if there's space for such in a church-sanctioned context. I think that I would be happy enough to volunteer such on my own. It's not the spiritual counseling that I had once planned on after my undergrad, but it is something far more in my area of expertise and comfort zone.
 
 All these things are part of the work, though. Work is part of life, and life goes on. I still see my clients. I still watch videos and talk about my days with Kay. I still go to mass. I still think about the past year when I write. I still get rides out to the edge of Sawtooth or over to a trail head and walk until my feet ache and I am gasping in the pine-scented, dusty air.
 

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md

@@ -98,9 +98,9 @@ Epigraph: εκαρδίωσας ημάς ενί από οφθαλμών σου ε
     * [O] [90](90) --- The Conversation™ (winds up not actually sending the email ha ha whoops, just starts conversation over text)
 11. [O] [Ends with "no"](beats/11-ends-with-no)
     * [O] A: Kay had picked up on it, decides pretty firmly on her end that she wants to keep friendship. Sigh, ah well. (merged with above)
-12. [o] [Payoff](beats/12-payoff) (probably just one chapter of what-ifs)
-    * [o] A: Limerence fades, settle back into new, more open friendship/what could have been
-    * [o] B: Doubt fades, settle into lay life/what could have been
+12. [O] [Payoff](beats/12-payoff) (probably just one chapter of what-ifs)
+    * [O] A: Limerence fades, settle back into new, more open friendship/what could have been
+    * [O] B: Doubt fades, settle into lay life/what could have been
 13. [o] [Epilogue/hope](beats/13-epilogue) (again, probably just one chapter)
     * [o] A: Plans another visit/okay being friends
     * [o] B: Starts volunteering MH counselling services at church. --- Feast of St KT.