zk/writing/ally/poly/02.md

date	weight	tags	categories
2019-08-13	2	snarky humor demanding questions	polyamory nostalgia Ship of Theseus

I suppose you also searched your archives for poly.

You know me so well.

Of course.

The first mention on LiveJournal was April 6th, 2004.

Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most.  Michael has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck.  It just feels like it would actually /work/ in his case.  As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates.  Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with.  Ah well.  Something to think about.

Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.

That's hindsight talking.

You literally just got out of a therapy session where you talked about how you don't believe you deserve a better job.

Touché.

Michael and I's relationship was rocky, tumultuous. We met through a queer group and from there wound up in a weird, heated romance that danced around sex, gender, mental health, everything. We fought, we made up. We got annoying. We made out a lot, we had sex, though with each of our individual hangups around sex, it was rarely penetrative.

It was penetrative once.

That's rare, isn't it?

Vanishingly.

Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex.

You were a cis gay guy. You told me that. You were unsure of vaginas.

It started that way, I suppose. I learned.

Then you bought one for yourself.

Listen.

Yes?

There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning.

'Bepenised'? 'Ship-of-Theseusizing'?

You verbed it first.

We've gotten off track.

Right.

In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside.

Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.

It didn't last. That was part of the breaking point. Similarly with Andrew and Ryn. I've heard it said that jealousy is a sign that one's needs are not being met.

What did you need that you weren't getting?

I thought it was someone to myself.

You couldn't own yourself, maybe you could own someone else.

That hurts to hear.

Is it wrong?

I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I wanted to keep someone. To possess them. Maybe it was a reaction to being owned.

Let's talk about kink.

Let's fucking not.