35 lines
1.9 KiB
Markdown
35 lines
1.9 KiB
Markdown
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date: 2019-09-16
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weight: 9
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---
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> And now you're still again.
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Sometimes. One of the treatments worked, though I'm not sure which. One of them caused vertigo and nausea, though I'm not sure which. But even after I went off them, I'm usually still.
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> Is that not enough?
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It's certainly better, don't get me wrong. The stress of driving will bring out the dance-like turn of my arm. An interview a few weeks ago went poorly after the twitching and twirling got bad enough to prevent me from focusing on the problem at hand. A distressing scene in a movie will leave me paralyzed and rigid in my seat, posture unnatural and unnerving.
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Judith reassured me that it looked like I was stretching, that it was less distressing than the tic.
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> You still apologized. You apologized to all of your partners the first time they saw it, and countless times after.
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Yes. I explained and explained, hoping they'd forgive me.
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> For what? For being less than perfect?
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For being vulnerable. Even after so long away from my dad and Jay, it's ingrained in me that vulnerability is a personal failing. Or perhaps it's more general: perhaps vulnerability is worth apologizing for because of some hereditary reason. Perhaps I'm apologizing to my ancestors, to the human race, for being less than they hoped for, for being a disappointment.
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> How very human of you.
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My therapist apologized to me on one stressy day when I was visibly struggling to stay still. She said she felt bad for having caused this. I rushed to reassure her that, no, it probably wasn't her fault, that I'd been on the antipsychotics for a while before ever meeting her. That the tic started back in 2012 before I'd even started those.
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> You apologized for the fact that she felt the need to apologize.
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Well, yes.
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> It's not your fault either, you know.
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On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don't. Or can't.
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