zk/writing/post-self/mitzvot/018.md

# Ioan Bălan --- 2350

It took about six hours for True Name to recover from the merge to where she could stand up and walk well enough to get a glass of water. Her expression remained glazed and she was unable to speak. It wasn't until the next morning that the skunk was able to hold a conversation, though she remained quiet and largely confined to her room, refusing the offer of coffee.

May spent nearly half of that time by her side. Ey wasn't sure what it was that the two did while in her room, if it was just May sitting by the skunk's side, if she was just being present, if the two were having their own quiet conversations, or sharing what affection she was comfortable sharing with a down-tree instance she had resented enough to shock.

All three, ey suspected. Ey checked in on them a few times, knocking and listening for permission to enter. Each time, True Name remained curled in bed with May sat nearby, whether on a chair beside it or sitting up on the bed itself. Ey'd ask if they needed anything, they'd both decline, and then ey'd go back to pacing holes in the rug or the yard or around Arrowhead Lake.

The rest of the time, May was out with em, almost always as close as she could be, whether that was tucked in against eir side, hugging around eir middle from behind while ey cooked, or, at one point, requesting em to sit on the floor outside the bathroom while she showered, just so that she could talk and, in her words, feel eir presence.

The mood throughout remained somewhere between anxious and remorseful.

The next evening, True Name requested that they eat dinner out at the lake rather than at home, saying, "I am feeling too cooped up by walls and yet more walls."

Ey supposed it made sense, now that she had the competing memories of End Waking and however many personality traits that came with. He had only visited Ioan and May a scant handful of times, and then always out in the yard, seeming uncomfortable whenever they remained indoors.

So, they packed up a simple dinner of sausages, zucchini, and potatoes to cook and stepped out to the lake.

The tents were still set up and the second bundle of firewood remained untouched, leaning against one of them, so Ioan and May watched as True Name tiredly built and lit the fire. She left May and Ioan sitting on one of the logs before it, watching the flames go from fast and loud to something quieter and hotter, while she disappeared up the hill into the forest. She returned some time later with a bundle of arm-length sticks, all nearly as straight as dowels, which she built into a spit on which they could roast the sausages while the potatoes baked near the coals of the fire. It was all done with a practiced ease from hundreds of years of memory.

The food was pleasantly smokey and well cooked, though otherwise unseasoned. True Name remarked on this part way through the meal, saying, "If you call the food bland again, May Then My Name, I will call you lame again."

The humor felt out of place, and certainly went over Ioan's head, but at least it got May smiling again, something she'd not done in more than a day.

"I am pleased that you made it through, my dear," May said. "I will not apologize again, I have done so enough already, but I am pleased all the same."

"I have grown weary of being apologized to, yes," she replied. "And my feelings on the events remain complicated, but I thank you for thinking of me."

"I'm glad, too," Ioan added, unwilling to let the dinner once more fall into silence. "How are you feeling otherwise?"

She shrugged. "Uncomfortable. Fractured. I have spoken to End Waking only a few times since he requested revocation of his access to our secure materials. I knew that he was upset, but not just how, and not to what extent." She sighed, then added, "And now I am left with that."

"Thus 'fractured'?"

"Yes. I must admit that much of my time spent while down and out was spent struggling to maintain a sense of myself as True Name. Had I simply accepted everything at face value and incautiously, I think I would have gone mad. As it is, I feel perilously close."

May sniffled and looked off toward the lake in the deepening evening.

"I understand what you were trying to do, May Then My Name. I understand why you planned that, how you managed to talk us both into it, and what you hoped to get out of it, but *you* must understand that what you two did was set two existences within me. One was set on goals that I believed in --- *still* believe in --- while the other regrets everything that made me me." The skunk's voice sounded far more tired than angry, enough to keep May from winding up in tears again, though she did set her food aside. "I do not think that End Waking believed in anything. His life was spent un-believing that which he was, which we were."

"What does that leave you, now?"

"I do not know yet, Ioan. It makes me too full of being, of time to be just one thing. It will likely take me several days to settle into...something. To settle into myself, whatever that means."

They fell into silence again while Ioan and True Name finished their food and May looked down at her paws or into the fire.

"Thank you for joining me out here. I am both glad to be outdoors and intensely uncomfortable sitting on a fucking log," she said, smiling tiredly. "I do not think that I will stay out here, though. The greater part of me demands a comfortable bed."

"Those fucking cots are awful," May grumbled, sounding forced in her casualness. "Like a hammock, but far worse."

"I do not think that even End Waking enjoys them, so it is easy enough for the True Name part of me to win out on that subject."

"What did he-- what do you remember enjoying?" Ioan asked. "I want to hear the good things you have, now, too. I feel like we're all tiptoeing around all the bad memories and conflicting feelings. Tell me something good."

True Name raised her eyebrows, then let her gaze drift up to the stars. "I remember teaching myself to hunt, promising myself that I would start small with snares and then work up from there, thinking that I would not let myself eat until I could eat food that I had caught myself. I remember getting so hungry and weak by the third day that I pinged Serene to see if she could help. She laughed and ruffled my fur and called me a dumbass, saying that she had not included fauna because I had not requested it, so of course I did not catch anything. She brought me a hamburger and I ate it so fast I got sick."

Ioan and May laughed.

"I remember each time I decided to cave and bring into the sim something new. I remember deciding that I needed a more efficient way to heat my tent than just relying on my fur and camp blankets, and then creating the stove. I remember getting so sick of just meat and what few vegetables I could grow at the time and deciding that I would need something like bread or tack. I remember learning about how hard it was to actually carve a bow and work with metal to create knives and axes, and I remember how it felt to bring each one into existence, a little bit of failure that was also a little bit of triumph.

"I remember the eighth or ninth winter out there, when the cold started to feel less terrifying because I knew what to do. I remember waking up one morning fucking freezing, building the fire back up, and shivering in front of it, then laughing for the sheer joy of it. The joy of bundling up, the joy of the air burning inside my nostrils, the joy of discomfort."

Ioan listened, entranced. The cadence of her speech had changed. It still had that well-spoken and dramatic air to it, still held the lack of contractions and all the doublings-back and anaphora that seemed to come with being an Odist, but it was also more austere than it had been. Less purely functional and more cerebral, perhaps.

"I remember the first time I went a year without seeing anyone, then the first time I went two. That was terrifying. I was sure that I was losing my grip on reality. I decided to make sure that I talked to someone at least once every six months after that to keep myself grounded. I remember when the Artemisians arrived and you two brought your play over, and being utterly delighted at all of the subtle ways you found to insult each other."

May grinned and elbowed em in the side. "That one was Ioan's fault."

True Name smiled and nodded. "You should be pleased with it, my dear. Oh, and I remember tasting whiskey for the first time in years and being surprised at how much it burned. A Finger Pointing's offer to bring a case over was quite tempting. It reminded me that I love the surprise that comes with forgetting things, or at least as close as we can get. The taste of liquor had fallen way back in my mind, and the feeling of the burn of whiskey sent it rocketing right back up to the top."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Ioan said, smiling.

"It is not all unpleasant, not by a long shot. As much as I worked to keep my sense of self while integrating, I was also struck by wonder, and for that, I am grateful."

"Was the merge a net-positive thing?"

She laughed. "I cannot possibly know that, Ioan. I suspect there is no net value, or indeed any value, to be placed on simply having those memories. It will make my life harder or it will not, but I do not think it will make it better or worse. I will be what I am to become."

Ey nodded.

"But, May Then My Name?"

The skunk looked nervously at her cocladist, as though worried of some reprisal. "Yes?"

"Thank you for thinking of me."

May only nodded, swallowing back tears. 

"I remember a few days ago, too. I remember when you came to the forest, remember watching, awkwardly, while you cried on Debarre's shoulder after I told you about...well, after we spoke. I remember hearing about all of your hatred over the years, about the resentment that you still have for me. I remember how you talked me into this, how helpless I was before it. I remember all of it."

There was no more holding back the tears, at that, though she did her best to cry silently.

True Name smiled more kindly than she had yet that night. "But you still thought of me. "I do not want her to die," you said. You said that you do not know why you still care about me, and you said so to your cocladist perhaps not yet knowing that I would have that memory as well. You two are both meddlesome brats, but thank you for thinking of me."

May tucked closer against Ioan's side and buried her face in eir shirt to cry, making a rude gesture at her down-tree instance before hugging her arms around eir waist.

"I think that means 'no problem'," ey said. "But I don't speak skunk all that-- ow! She bit me!"

True Name laughed. "It is no less than you deserve, I am sure. But come, once you are able to, let us walk to the rock at the end of the lake. I want to see the stars before we head back."