zk/writing/post-self/mitzvot/026.md

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"She's still not back?"

May shook her head, tugging Ioan by the hand over to their beanbag. "Not yet. I would like another day before we go seeking her out, though, okay?"

Ey nodded as ey let emself be tugged along. Relaxing for even just a few minutes with eir partner certainly sounded better than tramping out into the woods around the lake, and some part of em marveled at just how much ey felt like ey needed it. *Some day,* ey thought. *I'll stop being surprised at what May's made out of me.*

It wasn't so bad being hooked on touch and affection, though. Ey'd grown to cherish all of those little loving gestures, and flopping down on the beanbag to let May curl up on eir front and just do nothing sounded like an ideal way to spend a day if True Name was comfortable where she was out at Arrowhead Lake.

With neither of them feeling all that keen on talking further, they simply lounged on the beanbag together, reveling in the spring-tinted sunlight. A little napping, a little petting on skunks, but mostly just calm and quiet.

It wasn't until nearly dinner that they stirred again, Ioan squirming until ey could sit up on the beanbag cross-legged, letting May lounge in eir lap.

"I have been thinking," May began, sounding more dozy than anything. "But I would like to ensure you are willing to talk about this whole merger business before I shove us into a conversation."

"I can do that, sure."

"Would it be unfair of me to merge down?"

"Unfair how?"

She shrugged. "There are three of us in the equation, are there not? For me to merge down takes the uniqueness of our relationship away from the two of us and turns it into a burden for her."

Ey nodded and teased a few fingers through her fur. "I can see that, I guess. Even if it's not something that she acts on, or if she even does anything with the memories, whatever you feel about us becomes something she can feel too."

"Yes. As I mentioned, I am perhaps jealous of that. I would like what we have to be our own."

"I think we agree on that. How do you mean 'unfair', though?"

She twisted around until she could poke her nose on em. "Because it would be an act that I would take. Even if we all were to agree, it is me that is changing our relationships. I would be the one taking away that uniqueness and turning it into a burden."

Ioan tugged the skunk up a little further until ey could get eir arms around her. Something about her words didn't sit right with em, and ey needed at least a little bit of time to think it out.

Perhaps she was still overflowing, in a way. At the tail end of it, sure, but every time in the past, she had waited until she was mostly feeling better before fetching em back from Douglas's, whereas this morning, she seemed to have forced herself out of that state, rightfully or otherwise, to at least not be alone.

There was some slight distortion, here, though, a way of thinking that didn't quite mesh with her personality. Ey agreed, yes, but it was her framing that was bothering em most.

"So," ey began, choosing eir words carefully. "I did say that I'm really starting to not feel so great about the idea, but I'm not totally sure I agree with how much of that you're putting on yourself. You sound preemptively guilty."

May squirmed out of eir grasp to sit on the beanbag alongside em, elbows on knees and face in paws.

"I'm sorry, May. Maybe this isn't--"

"No, you are right," she mumbled, sounding miserable. It tugged at eir emotions to the point where ey had to restrain emself from tugging her back in for a hug, though her posture kept em at bay. "I am not at baseline yet, my dear. Nothing makes sense. It is like having my emotions refracted through a glass of water. I probably should not even be talking about it."

"It's important, I just don't want you to push yourself if you're not out of the rough patch yet."

"Right, yes." She sighed, pushing herself wearily off the pouf. "Everything feels so urgent, though. I feel like we must have this conversation now if we are to have it, or else the opportunity will evaporate. I know that it does not work that way, that this is not logical of me, but this is not a logical time."

Scooting to the edge of the beanbag, Ioan stood as well. "I know. We have months before we run up against Jonas's deadline, but if he's sending assassins after True Name, it sure does make it feel urgent."

The skunk padded over to the kitchen, swiping a few of the dishes that Ioan had left prepared into being, lining them up in a row. "Yes, and I cannot easily let that go. I want her to be other than she is to not be so under his thumb. I want her to be better than she is to be less of what she has become, and yet even those thoughts feel like distortions. Choose your plate, my dear."

Ey picked one mostly at random, winding up with a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. "I had been wondering as to your reasons. I felt like the idea just kind of popped into my mind based on what she was talking about at the time, what with Zacharias and all, but it came at such an inopportune time for me to actually ask why."

She picked up a plate of mashed potatoes and asparagus, shooing em back to the dining room table. "I think that she has become so singular a person that she cannot but be controlled by Jonas. Her role in guiding the System is no less real; she did the work that she does and she did it both well and proudly. But she built herself into a tool without realizing it, and over the centuries, Jonas has been teaching himself to use that to his advantage."

"And rounding her out more with merges would help make her more of a generalist?"

Laughing, she set her plate down, tugged out her chair, and fell heavily into it. "Generalist is a very utilitarian way to put it. You are not wrong in that it would allow her to be more than a unitasker, but it would also make her more of a person. Someone as focused as her is easy to pin down."

"I would've thought she'd see that coming, though."

"Well, you have heard what she has said. She has been fed bad information by her spies--"

"And the other True Names. At least #Castor."

She frowned, finished chewing on her asparagus. "There is also that, yes. It is a guess, but I think you are right. How and why he managed to work them into this plan to only subvert this instance of her is another question that I think we would all like an answer to. All the same, she has been fed bad information and had aspects of her life leveraged against her, and now, for whatever reason, Jonas is making his power-grab."

"Aspects of her life meaning Zacharias?"

"Yes," she said. "I will not call it a weakness, even as awful as he sounds. To have a relationship is not a weakness."

Ey chuckled, dipping the corner of eir sandwich into the soup. "That's a very May statement."

"Of course it is," she said primly, stabbing another spear of asparagus before biting off the top. "But this is yet more guesswork. I cannot say for sure that Zacharias is purely working in the hands of Jonas, but from all that she has said to me, I do not think I am too far off the mark."

They ate in silence for a few minutes.

While ey didn't mind May's ideas of comfort food, they were not especially well spiced. This was mostly by design, ey suspected, as eating spicy or sour foods when one has been (or still is) crying sounded unpleasant. Still, there was much to be said about the comfort of a good grilled cheese dipped in soup.

"But yes," the skunk continued once she'd cleaned her plate. "There was some aspect of vengeance to my and End Waking's plan, but now I just want her away from Jonas. I do not know yet whether or not I like her or want her to stay in our lives in any way, shape, or form, but I do know that I want her away from him. I want her to live and to--"

Both Ioan and May jolted in their seats as a flash of adrenaline ran through them. A view of a forest, a lake shore, pile of wood not yet lit, and, sitting on a log across from that another furry. His facial structure was very similar to Dear's but where the fennec had wound up with that pristine white fur, he had ruddy orange except for the white on the underside of his chin and a dark apostrophe of fur on either side of his snout. Where Dear had wound up with almost absurdly large ears, his felt far more in proportion, along the lines of May's and True Names, though far pointier.

One thing Dear and this new fox did share in common was the snappy dress. Where Dear had wound up in a comfortable androgyny, though, the red fox had turned it into a prim masculinity that was, ey had to admit, quite effective. Black trousers, a white shirt and charcoal waistcoat, and a suit jacket. It was topped off with a simple tie and affected cane, currently being twirled lazily between black-furred paws.

It was just a glimpse, less than a second's worth of sensorium input, but enough for em to make a guess.

"Is that Zacharias? Wait! May! Oh, God damnit."

The skunk had already stepped away

"We have guests!" Zacharias said, standing up and dusting off his trousers. "I was not expecting guests. How cheeky."

True Name was still kneeling before the pile of wood in what had clearly become her firepit. "I am trying to imagine a world in which I should trust you enough to be alone with you," she growled. "And failing."

"Spicy, tonight, are we not?" He grinned, turning to bow extravagantly to Ioan and May. "Mx. and Mrs. Bălan, I presume?"

"We are not married," May said, growling nearly as well as True Name. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Oh, just popping in to say hi, is all," he said cheerily. "Zacharias, by the way. Nice to meet you, Ioan. My dear May Then My Name, it has been nearly two hundred years!"

"Well, hi," she said. "Now get out."

"Oh, I just got here, though!" He pouted, looking between the three of them. Then the smirk returned, along with a wicked glint to his eye. "Besides, what are you going to do about it, my dear? Bounce me?"

May frowned, but remained silent, arms crossed over her chest. None of them had the ACLs for such

"Right, I thought not. Well! Have a seat, I was just saying hi to True Name, but what's another two sets of eyes?"

Neither Ioan nor May moved.

"Well, fuck you, too, then," he said, laughing, and sat back down. "So, True Name, my little stink bug, how are you? Roughing it out here?"

The skunk glowered down to the striker and knife, quickly sparking up a coal in the leaf-litter tinder she'd gathered. She blew on it a few times before setting it in a pile of larger kindling. "I am on vacation. What the fuck does it look like?"

"Like you are roughing it."

She rolled her eyes.

"Look, why are you really out here?" Ioan asked. "Clearly it isn't just to say hi, and clearly you got access somehow. Got news from Jonas or something?"

"Very preceptive!" Zacharias said, grinning happily. "Just out here checking up on True Name to see if she has any further thoughts on our little gathering."

"Checking up on someone you tried to assassinate?"

"Oh goodness, not me! You can place the blame for that squarely on Jonas."

May laughed humorlessly. "Right, and poor Zack just had to sit by and--"

The fox was up in a flash and, with a back-handed swipe, slapped the skunk across the muzzle, getting a yelp out of her and a shout out of Ioan. "You do not have permission to use that name," he growled.

It took Ioan a few seconds to process what had just happened, but then fury welled up within em faster than any other emotion ey'd felt before. Had ey ever even felt fury before? A small part of em marveled at the unfamiliar feeling.

The rest was already swinging.

The blow never landed. Ioan found emself stumbling backwards several paces. Zacharias stumbled back in the opposite direction. Both of them shouted and worked to regain their footing.

The two new instances of May that had appeared, partially overlapping with where they had once stood, winked out of existence. "Yes, yes," she drawled, taking Ioan's hand in one paw to hold em back while the other rubbed at her muzzle. "We all know you are good at what you do. Get to the point."

With a huff, the fox stood up straighter, smoothing out his rumpled clothing. "Right. True Name. Are you coming tonight? If not, when shall we expect you?"

The skunk shook her head, still glowering. "I am not coming tonight, no. If I have been given the luxury of a year to meet," she said, tone dripping with sarcasm. "Then we will meet when I say we meet."

"If you say so." Zacharias was back to smirking. That hatred still bubbling within Ioan urged em to consider just how delightfully punchable that expression was. "Well, we will look forward to it, then, I suppose! And you two will be there as well, yes?"

"Your piece of shit boss hired me, didn't he?"

"That he did, Mx. Bălan! That he did." He turned to May, eyebrows raised expectantly.

"Yes, I will be there," she said. Her hackles were still up, free paw still bunched into a fist.

"And End Waking? Would not want the stanza to be incomplete, would we?" He grinned broadly to True Name, "And no, my little stink bug, you do not count."

"He has not answered yet," she said. She'd regained her composure, staring at Zacharias steadily. "We will speak with him. Tell Jonas message received and leave me the fuck alone."

He once more bowed with a flourish. "I live to serve," he said, sing-song. "Any other messages for me to relay?"

"Yes, tell Jonas to quit sending his most foppish lackeys," she shot back.

"But my dear! I am here specifically to drive the point home! You are in so far over your head that even 'little loverfox' is a part of your fate." He laughed gleefully. "Oh, it sounds so evil, does it not? Cartoonishly so! There is no way that I can even begin to talk about this without sounding like a mustache-twirling villain. You have done so well, True Name. It is simply time to step aside. We will see you soon, yes?"

True Name nodded. "Yes. Now, fuck off."

"Righto!" He turned and winked to May, adding, "So wonderful to see you again. Cannot say I share your taste in partners, but times change, I suppose. Mx. Bălan, I look forward to speaking soon."

And with that, he stepped out of the sim.

May's shoulders slumped. She let go of eir hand, moved over to kneel beside True Name, and hugged around her shoulders. "I am sorry, my dear."

True Name did not return the gesture. No surprise, perhaps; neither she nor End Waking were all that big on touch. Instead she said, "I am sorry, you two. I do not know how they got the address to the sim."

Ioan cursed. "Guess that does mean it's compromised."

She nodded.

May leaned away from the hug, but took one of True Name's paws in her own. "Come home," she said, voice and expression earnestly worried. "Please. I know it is uncomfortable, but I do not want you out here alone."

The skunk stared into the fire for almost a full minute, the looked off to the lake and nodded. "Yes, I suppose you are right." She smiled faintly and added, "I could also use a shower and a night's sleep on a real mattress. Perhaps we can discuss expanding an outdoor portion of your sim tomorrow, Ioan? I do not want to impose too much, but, well..." She waved her paw at where Zacharias had stood.

"Of course," ey said, still doing eir best to tamp down eir anger. "I can find something simple on the market for the time being."

True Name knelt by the fire for another minute before dousing the flames with a collapsible pail of water.

Once they made it back to the house and True Name had showered, they sat around the dining table, each with a glass of wine from a bottle ey'd received years back. They'd wordlessly agreed that a drink was in order.

Ioan couldn't guess why the two skunks had felt it was necessary, but ey needed something to blunt the edges of that anger that still spun within em. Ey wasn't sure ey'd ever truly felt fury before, but it turned out that watching eir partner get struck across the face was a really, really good way to bring out the emotion.

Ey didn't like it at all.

Once ey'd reached the bottom of eir glass, ey sighed and said, "Alright. What the fuck was that about?"

"Jonas felt the need to show a bit of muscle," True Name said, voice flat. "He wanted to rub it in my face that he still has Zacharias in his pocket, that he knows where I am. I do not think he actually cared about asking me when we would meet, he is just making his leverage known. I suspect he was planning on you two showing up, as well, now that I think about it."

"Why?"

"To ensure that you also saw that power. If you two are to come to the meeting --- as I think you must --- then he wants you both to know that he will be there with a stacked deck." She rubbed a paw up over her snout, adding, "I am sorry that you had to meet him."

Ioan shook eir head. "Was he always such an asshole?"

After a tense pause, the skunk shook her head. "He was not, no. Witty, smart, sharp-tongued, yes. An asshole, no."

"Well, not looking forward to seeing him again, either way." Ey felt that anger turn within em again, felt the heat of the wine only add to it. "I don't know who he thinks he is, coming after you like that, May."

The silence that followed was even more tense than the one before, both skunks looking down at the table, both tracing the grain of the wood with a claw-tip.

"What?"

May sniffled, shrugged, then smiled tiredly to em. "I am pretty sure he thinks he is me, Ioan."

Ey blinked as the pieces clicked into place, then slouched back in eir seat, feeling like the breath had been knocked out of em. "Well, huh."

"You see now why I was so upset?"

The thoughts wouldn't quite fit together in eir mind. Two puzzle pieces with no matching edges. "I'm sorry, I'm, uh..." Ey cleared eir throat, suddenly parched. "He's one of your old relationship forks? With True Name?"

She shrugged again, sniffled again, looked back down to the table.

"It is at least partly my fault," True Name said quietly. "One of the earliest individuals I pointed May Then My Name towards was, without either of us realizing, one of Jonas's instances. He looked and spoke nothing like Jonas Prime, but was starting to get loud on the feeds. May Then My Name forked into a human form and became quite good friends with him, but I lost track of them both for several years. He stopped posting so much on the feeds, so I had little reason to worry about him, I thought."

"You must understand, I was a very different person back then," May mumbled. "This was systime 5. Back before I was...me."

Ey frowned, but nodded for them to continue.

"So, a few decades later, Secession is done, the council is heading towards dissolution, and I am starting to relax. More friends from phys-side uploaded, more furries figured out how to exist within the System as they would like, and I started to meet more people outside work. One of them just happened to be this fantastically well-dressed fox who was just as witty as I felt. We became friends, then we became a bit more." She shrugged. "That instance of Jonas had...well..."

"Twisted. He twisted my fork into something that neither the me of today nor the me back then would have agreed to." May sniffled and wiped at her face. "He turned that version of me into a way of influencing True Name."

"Yes. It was a long game. He drifted in and out of my life, over the centuries, and then, shortly before Launch, he showed up again and we began to get close. A few years after Launch, they took me out to dinner and dropped the whole thing on me all at once. I am told they did the same on each of the LVs as well, just with different framing."

Eir head was swimming at the flood of information, and when rubbing eir face didn't work to clear it, ey willed the drunkenness away and waved a glass of ice water into being. "Which I don't get. Why are you so overwhelmed here and not on the LVs?"

The skunk twisted her wine glass between her fingers for a few quiet moments. "I was focused on continuity and stability. I think that Jonas was as well, enough to go along with the launch project, but once it was done and that continuity was assured, he let them go their own ways --- the Guiding Council on Pollux and the previous status quo on Castor --- while he focused on cementing his power here on Lagrange. They were safely away with minimal influence here."

"Is that what this is all about?"

She nodded. "We were in a steady state for many years after they explained everything. I was not happy, but I still liked the work that I had chosen and I did not know how to do anything else. It was the new tech from the Artemisians that pushed things over the edge. AEC --- Audiovisual Extrasystem Communication --- rather changes things and even though we agreed on what was to be done about it in a general sense, I think he does not want to risk his own specific vision not coming to fruition."

They sat in silence, then, while Ioan tried to digest this. Ey was still furious at Zacharias, but now that fury had gained a layer of what almost felt like despair, that someone such as that might have their roots in eir May.

At least it had all gone a long way towards explaining the dynamic on the three Systems. Who knew why the other True Names had decided to treat this one like they had, withholding valuable information, all but cutting her out of their plans. Perhaps those few years between launch and Jonas and Zacharias's announcement had included additional shaping, that other framing True Name had mentioned.

"Fuck."

May kicked eir shin lightly beneath the table. "Language, Mx. Bălan."

True Name looked between them, then grinned. "No, May Then My Name, Ioan is correct. Fuck."

"The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade, you watch your mouth," May growled.

They all laughed. Ey couldn't help but. It was all too much, and the humor so perfectly timed to defuse eir anger that it had to be intentional. Some of that anger must have showed on eir face.

*Ah well, trust an Odist,* ey mused.

Aloud, ey said, "You guys continue to be completely nuts. Thanks for explaining, though. I'm not going to figure it out tonight, so I'm going to have another glass of wine and space out on the couch."

"Fantastic idea, my dear," May said. "If I have to think about it anymore, I am going to start shedding and not stop until I am bald."

Still grinning, True Name nodded. "That is quite enough of the topic, yes. I am going to go outside for a bit and then I am going to go to bed."