71 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
71 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
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date: 2019-08-18
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weight: 1
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---
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<div class="cw">Self harm</div>
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Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
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It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
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> An obvious solution.
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I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.
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I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
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> One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.
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Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.
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I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.
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> Now now, what did we say about secrets?
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And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.
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> You spilled the beans.
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Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.
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> You spoiled the surprise.
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Everyone was so confused.
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> Lapsus linguae.
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I was so ashamed.
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> You spoke too soon.
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Even my punishment was wrong.
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> It was the last thing <a class="pulse" href="/furry/margaras">Margaras</a> heard from you.
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Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.
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> He died knowing that about you.
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If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.
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> You cannot take that back.
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If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.
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> You cannot.
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Please.
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> You cannot.
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Oh god.
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> It was the last thing he heard from you.
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Merciful god, please take me away.
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> You never spoke to him again.
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I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.
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