zk/writing/post-self/mitzvot/024.md

# Ioan Bălan --- 2350

Once they were fed and Debarre was safely on his way home --- or at least merged down-tree --- Ioan begged off from talking any further and trudged down the hall to the spare room ey borrowed whenever May needed space. Ey claimed to need a nap and, while ey was certainly tired enough, sleep seemed unlikely.

The walk and cry in the field before ey'd joined Douglas at his house had been necessary, but also had only served to highlight just how woefully out of eir depth ey truly was.

"Hi Sarah," ey said, starting a simplex sensorium message. "Sorry to bother you, and sorry we haven't spoken in a few weeks. I know I was vague when I canceled our last appointment, but things have gone completely sideways. I'm not totally sure how open you'd be to this, but can we meet and talk, even if I'm restricted to talking in very general terms about what's going on? I need to talk to someone who can help me sort through my thoughts around it, I just can't share details yet. It has to do with True Name, so I'm sure you can appreciate just how complicated it is. Let me know if that's alright. I'm...I'm at Douglas's for a few days. Thanks."

Then, ey lay down on the bed, still dressed and over the covers, and stared at the ceiling, trying to think about as little as possible.

Ey was startled awake by a sensorium message. Grunting and wiping eir hands over eir face to try and bring reality back into focus through the near drunken haze of waking up from an ill-advised nap, ey set the message to running.

"Good to hear from you, Ioan. I'll admit that I was pretty concerned when you canceled. I don't usually worry about you, but that's also the first time you've had to do so in nearly four years. I can be free whenever you need, and am happy to meet you either there or here. I don't have any problems holding off on details until a later date. Just let me know."

Ey groaned and ground the heels of eir palms against eir closed eyes, trying to will away the grogginess that clung to em, somehow managing to feel both sticky and slippery.

A quick shower had em feeling well enough to respond, and by the time she arrived, ey'd made tea for emself and met her, mug in hand, at the door.

Ey bowed. "Thanks for coming on such short notice."

She offered em a hug. "It's alright. I figure if whatever is happening has all three of you canceling appointments and you requesting short-notice ones, it's probably important."

"Sorry, just woke up, feeling rough," ey said, declining the hug. "But yeah. Important, overwhelming, dramatic. Would you be alright talking outside? That nap destroyed me and I'm still feeling disconnected from everything."

"Works for me."

"So, uh...well, where to start." Ey spoke haltingly, once they'd made their way out into the grass and light and blue skies. "Right. As of a few weeks ago, for reasons I can't get into just yet, True Name has been staying in an extra room we dug at the house. A few days ago--"

"Whoa, wait. I know you said no specifics, but can you tell me a little more about that? I can't picture that working at *all.*"

Ey sighed. "Yeah, well, that's part of why I'm here and not at home, I guess."

She nodded, gestured for em to continue.

"Well, she...hmm. She ran into some interpersonal trouble that was dramatic enough to require staying around people well enough known on the System that she'd be safe." Ey winced, adding, "I know that's not much to go by. Either way, she's staying in our place. She's been fairly self-contained, but not totally so, so there's been some interaction between the three of us. Before you ask, it was May's idea in the first place, and while there have been a few rough spots, it's gone far smoother than I would have thought."

"Still, I imagine that just having the anxiety of it potentially going rough doesn't feel good."

"Not at all, no. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on guard, always ready to jump in and smooth things out, even if I haven't really had to do so. I'm trying to let them both just do their own thing, though, and every time I catch myself feeling that way, I try to change contexts."

"That's good," she said. "Has it been helping, at least?"

"If you'd asked me that a few days ago, I would have said yes, but now that I'm here and struggling to hold it together, I'm not so sure. I think I was just pushing it down without...I don't know, redirecting it or dealing with it."

She nodded. "Alright. I want to come back to that, but I interrupted your overview. Can you tell me what else happened?"

"Right. So, through some strange turn of events, both True Name and May wound up overflowing at the same time. True Name is staying at another private sim we know and May's at home while I'm here. All of this hit a few days back when May and True Name had a conversation that left both of them drained, and then True Name had to deal with a merge large enough that she collapsed."

"Not May Then My Name..." Sarah hazarded, frowning.

"No. Another cocladist, though."

Ey saw comprehension dawn in her features, and that frown only deepened. She gestured for em to continue.

"But...well. So there's two things that I think fall out of this that I'd get the most out of talking about. The first is that I'm having a lot of complicated feelings surrounding True Name throughout this, and the second is that May did mention that she'd been considering merging down with her until the previous merge went so sideways."

She looked down to the grass thoughtfully as they walked. "Can you tell me about how you feel about the merge, first?"

"I didn't really get the chance to ask her about why it was that she was considering merging. We promised to talk about it more, but after that, things happened pretty quickly. There's a weird sort of jealousy that goes along with it. May and I have built our own life completely independent of True Name. We bowed out of politics and writing these grand, System-spanning tales and focused on just being together. That's why I got into writing plays, I think: it was a way for me to do the things that felt comfortable for me that didn't involve being wrapped up in all these crazy goings-on.

"So we built our life together. True Name respected that, too. She would ask about me and May, and seemed earnestly happy that we'd gone and done something so...normal."

"Do you think she's envious of that?"

Ey frowned and scuffed a heel through the grass. "I don't know, honestly. Again, if you'd asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said probably not, that she's got her own things that make her happy which don't involve putting on plays or poking fun at each other. Now, though, I'm not so sure. This whole thing about the merge adds another layer onto that, because suddenly, True Name would have all of those memories."

"Does it bother you that she would have the memories, or are you worried about her having those emotions? Do you worry she'd start feeling about you the way that May Then My Name does?"

"Well, shit." Ey groaned. "I didn't even think about that. Like, we've talked about what her having memories of loving me would mean, but always past-tense. I didn't think about if she herself --- she as True Name I mean --- would pick up on exactly how May felt about me as well. I have no clue. Maybe on some level I do worry, though. I like the way May feels about me. We've talked about jealousy a few times, and it often comes up that she feels devoted to me. I'm really not sure how I'd feel having that come from another, never mind one that I have as complicated a relationship with as I do with True Name."

"Does this tie in with the complicated feelings you mentioned, then?"

Ey bought emself some time to think about an answer by bending down to pluck a dandelion, twirling it between eir fingers. "I guess I have to share one detail, which is that there was an attempt on her life back on Secession day."

Sarah blinked and stopped up short. "One moment," she said, then closed her eyes, her lips moving faintly in a non-vocalized sensorium message. Ey politely turned away. Finally, she caught eir attention once more. "I checked in with the instance that's been meeting with True Name and she said that she received a message from her back on Secession day that sounded really panicked."

"What was it about?" ey asked. "If you can share, that is."

"Not the specifics, but she mentioned that True Name did cancel appointments for the foreseeable future with the promise to come back as soon as she could."

Ey nodded. "Well, then yes, that'd be why. She's safe, at least. Staying with us means that no one can come after her without exposing themselves," ey said as reassuringly as ey could. Ey felt bad leaving out the fact that True Name wasn't in contact at all with either of them, but that felt like it was on the list of things ey couldn't share.

"Has this changed how you feel about her, then?"

"I don't know if it's changed things, necessarily, so much as made me more cognizant of how I felt about her before. I think I mentioned around the time that it came up that we had a conversation about how she said that it was nice to just have a friend, and how I translated that as a friendly acquaintance that wasn't just another politician."

"And I called you out on the fact that you later said you thought of her more like a friendly coworker than anything."

Ey laughed. "Right. Well, with all that's gone down, with how it felt to see her in danger and then to see her struggling with the ramifications of being cut off and the effects of the merge, I think I'm a lot more comfortable just calling her a friend. I don't think I'd feel like this if she were a 'friendly coworker'."

"You have a far more complex relationship than what is implied by 'friend'. It could just be a language thing, that that word implies a greater level of shared happiness than you have, but, confronted by how much you care about her in the context of what happened, you're bumping up against the broader definition of friend of someone you *can* feel that much care for."

Ey nodded. They fell into silence as they walked while Ioan took the time to process.

It certainly tallied, too. Even though May's overflowing had overshadowed it --- reasonably so, given the importance of their relationship --- ey'd been hit hard by True Name overflowing, as well. Seeing her struggling, upset and overwhelmed, having to claim that same solitude that End Waking did, touched on that care. The need to fix things was a symptom of that confusing sense of care, ey suspected, rather than just something isolated.

"I don't know if you were necessarily talking to me, but just in case you were, I'd agree with your assessment."

Ey jumped at the sudden realization that ey'd said at least part of that out loud, then laughed. "Sorry, I was mumbling, wasn't I? I've been doing that a lot lately. I was trying to keep that dialogue internal, but I appreciate the confirmation."

She smiled. "I suspected so. I'm used to it, now. So, before I continue, are you looking to work on disentangling this, some ideas for where to go next, or just talking?"

"I wouldn't turn down an idea or two, but I've already gotten a lot out of having the chance to talk through the emotional side. There are a few others in the loop that I've been able to talk with, but that's all been about logistics, or about May and True Name rather than myself." Ey sighed, adding, "I was a mess when I first got here. Doesn't feel great to say, but I spent so much energy on them I kind of forgot to take care of myself."

"That it doesn't feel great to say is a sign that you care deeply enough to not want to detract from that energy, so it's not a bad thing, but you do need to take care of yourself, yes." She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "Alright. I know you said they're both currently overflowing, but what do you think about talking with each of them about how you're feeling about this?"

"Uh, well, I mean," ey stammered. "I guess I should, yeah."

"'Should'?"

"Right. Should statement. I'd like to, but they both feel kind of fraught. Talking with May about being friends with True Name has come up before but feels fraught with how they feel about each other, or at least felt about each other. Hell, I don't know how I'd tell True Name I care about her, either. And I don't particularly want to be the one to broach May merging down with True Name. That feels like a conversation they should start as cocladists."

"They're complicated topics, and I'm not saying you *must* talk about them, but it'll only help for the three of you to all be on the same page. It'd be a good exercise for you to be more active, as well."

Ey nodded.

"You look like you're fading. Want to call it for now and then we can get in touch soon?"

"Uh, yeah, probably," ey said. It was only just settling into evening, but the nap still had em out of sorts. "Thank you, though. This was immensely helpful. I don't think any of us are in a position to hold to a schedule at the moment, given further complicated stuff going on behind the scenes, but I'll definitely be in touch when I can, and will nudge both of them to do the same."

"Ioan."

Ey stopped up short, winced. "Right, sorry. Not my job."

"Thank you," she said, grinning. "I'll touch base with each of them, don't worry. One more tip before I go: take care of yourself. That whole golden rule thing applies to you, too, you know. Treat others well, but remember you still need to be treated well, too."

"I'll certainly try."