zk/writing/post-self/mitzvot/020.md

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While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully --- or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be --- and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. *I am not comfortable talking about that now* became her constant refrain.

While neither Ioan nor May were necessarily happy for this change, it meant that they *had* to stop talking about all these dire topics. It forced them to take a step back, as well, and at least try to get some work done. Given all that had happened, no one was comfortable with them continuing to perform, least of all A Finger Pointing, so they were removed from the bill for the time being, with either their roles replaced or their shows canceled.

There was still work to be done, of course. May still had her monologue, which she tried taking in a few different directions, some of which worked well and some less so. Ioan coached her in writing as best ey could, talking her down from fits of perfectionism that left her threatening to tear the whole thing up.

For eir part, ey still had a few projects on eir plate, not least of which was the upcoming book project that had been requested by Jonas. Ey poked at this every now and then, outlining the events to date and throwing a few thousand words at it here and there.

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Mostly, though, ey dealt in letters to and from the other members of eir clade. Vast, dramatic events were happening elsewhere --- as they always seemed to when an Odist was involved --- and ey couldn't simply put them away to deal with all that was going on at home. The break from dealing with the affairs of True Name and Jonas was a welcome one.

The one conversation of note came on the fourth day after the merge, when the skunk asked, "How did you two get together?"

Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her hands.

"Other than the forces behind the scenes. I mean."

"From my point of view," Ioan said, guessing at the meaning behind her question. "It just kind of happened over the course of a few years. May was her usual affectionate self, and we just wound up building patterns around that turned us from coworkers to friends to partners."

"There was no culmination? No decision?"

"Not really. I just realized one day that we were probably together and asked if we were."

"It was the day ey interviewed you for the first time," May said, trying to hide a smile. "I told em it was the dumbest fucking question of the entire project. We agreed we had probably been in a relationship for months before that."

True Name nodded, expression more thoughtful than amused. "Is that how you move in the world, May Then My Name?"

The skunk hesitated, gaze drifting away from her cocladist. "Ask another question, my dear," she said eventually.

"Of course." True Name gave a hint of a bow. "You changed in order to accommodate being in a relationship, Ioan. How?"

"Are you asking what about me changed, or what I did to change?" ey asked, frowning. "Because I don't think I had any conscious control over it."

"What you changed, yes. May Then My Name could answer the other question, perhaps uniquely so among all those who we know."

The skunk only shrugged.

"Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I'd watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of...I don't know. Transparent?" Ey shrugged. "I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied really heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn't until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as more than an observer, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That's where Codrin came from, I think"

May chimed in. "Ey was the version of you who learned that most strongly, perhaps. You were left with the memories of it to work with, but without the context of the experience."

"Right. It was nice watching em grow closer to others and open up to a relationship."

"'Nice'?"

Ey shrugged. "I don't know how else to put it. I felt compersion for them, like the opposite of jealousy. I was happy for them, and it felt good to know that those things were possible."

True Name nodded. "That is the word I would use to describe my feelings towards May Then My Name, if it is not too forward of me to say."

May smiled and reached out across the dining table to pat at True Name's paw.

"It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them, I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me. Those experiences which are left to integrate are the ones clashing the most." She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. "I can remember what it feels like to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there."

Ioan and May glanced at each other briefly, but both nodded.

"It has not been a priority for you," May said. "If it has not been important, if it has felt like a distraction, then there is no reason to simply know how to do all of that. I do wish you the best, though."

"Didn't you say you'd felt love for Zacharias, though?"

True Name shrugged noncommittally. "I am not comfortable talking about that now."

Ey tried to keep eir expression from falling, but apparently did not succeed.

"I am sorry, Ioan. Not everything is for sharing, not right now."

"It's just the amanuensis in me." Ey tried to laugh it away. "Why'd you ask about this, anyway?"

She smirked. "You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?"

"Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his fixation on penance would have caused more clashes."

"It is," she replied slowly. "But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not--" She sniffled, shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. "I need to go for a walk. Thank you both."

And with that, she stepped from the sim.

May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. "I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this."

Ey slouched in eir chair for a moment before reaching out to pet over her ears a few times. "Me either. I don't know where that conversation came from, and...well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit."

She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. "It is things like this --- the conversation and the thoughts that come with it --- that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her."

"No killing skunks," ey mumbled, then stood and stretched. "Bit miffed she's out at the lake, since now I feel like walking, too."

"If you were a normal person, we could enjoy perpetual springtime in the yard."

Ey looked outside, at the scant inch of snow left after the last storm. "It's not that bad."

"It is in all ways bad. It is cold."

"Mmhm, still cold. Still, it might be worth making a coffee and bringing it out there to keep the hands warm, if only so I can pace."

"Go, my dear. Go and pace. I will teach myself how to do a handstand or something equally silly. Anything other than dwelling on more of this."

"No more monologue?"

"I am so sick of looking at it that I think I might scream if I even catch a glance."

Ey laughed and leaned down to kiss the side of the skunk's muzzle. "Well, alright. Don't fall over onto the table or anything."

The rest of the afternoon passed easily enough. It was slow and boring, perhaps, but neither seemed to want any excitement. Ioan walked. May did not manage a hand-stand, but she did wind up laying half off the couch, head nearly to the floor, for half an hour. They made lunch. They read.

But always, there was an air of waiting. They were waiting for True Name to return, yes, but ey felt like they were also waiting for the other shoe to drop. They were waiting for her to feel whole again. They were waiting for everything to fall into place (or at least close enough) so that they could do this meeting with Jonas and get it over with.

"Do you think she's just out there walking?" ey asked at one point.

May shrugged. "If she is anything like True Name, yes. If she is anything like End Waking, then she is exploring. Climbing trees and walking along ravines."

"And if she's both?"

She sighed. "If she is both, then I do not know. If she is both, perhaps she is finding some new way to let loose all of those emotions she could not speak before.

True Name returned shortly before dinner. Both Ioan and May stood to greet her. She looked dirty and scuffed up, and while her expression wasn't grim, it came close. There was frustration there, perhaps anger as well.

*Overflowing,* ey thought, then tamped it down.

She bowed to them from the entryway and said, "Ioan, May Then My Name, thank you for hosting me and for all of your kindness."

Ey frowned. "But...?"

"Yes. But I need out. I need to be elsewhere. I walked as far as I could into the hills from the lake and, while I found the boundary of the sim, it is far enough away that I do not think I will feel cramped."

"Wait, what? You're going to stay at Arrowhead Lake?"

"If you decide to keep my room here, I will come back, but I am going to lose my fucking mind if I simply stay in--" She sighed, took a deep breath, recomposed herself. "I am going to spend a few days out at the lake. I need...away. I need away from walls. I need away from you two, nice as you are, away from all of your happiness and comfort. I need away from speaking, from dwelling on the last few weeks. I need solitude."

May had shied away from her down-tree instance the instant her temper started to rise, clutching tightly at eir hand, but Ioan stood eir ground as best ey could.

"Well, alright. It's no trouble keeping your room, of course, and I guess there's tents already out there."

She nodded, subsiding at the reasonable tone in eir voice. "Yes. Thank you for understanding."

"Is there anything we can do to help?"

"Can you grant me ACLs to create supplies? There is nothing to hunt."

"Hunt?" Ey frowned, then shook eir head. "Right, sorry. End Waking always did. You should...there. You should have them now."

She nodded. Much of her time out there must have been spent cataloguing what she'd need in order to survive, going off of memories that were now hers, as it took her less than ten seconds and a wave of the paw to create an axe, a knife, and two canvas bags ey assumed were full of reasonably stable food and other necessary tools. This was followed by her rapidly forking a few times over, shifting her outfit one article of clothing at a time. It struck a middle-ground between her ordinary conservative dress and End Waking's ranger garb, one with canvas leggings and a sturdy shirt, over which she wore a leather jerkin with what looked to be a detachable hood. It usually wasn't worth it to fork just to re-clothe oneself, but she seemed antsy to be away and on her own, not to mention that lingering air of frustration about her.

"Thank you both," she said, more quietly this time. "Earnestly. It does mean a lot that you have both thought to help so much. I will be in touch."

With that, she bowed, lifted her bags and axe, then stepped from the sim once more.

"What the hell..."

May took a solid minute to un-cringe from the whole experience, slowly relaxing her grip on eir hand. "I think perhaps she--"

"Is overflowing?"

She nodded.

Ey sighed. "That was my guess, too. I was going to say it came on pretty quick, but the last few days make a lot more sense with that as context."

May leaned forward and rested her forehead against eir upper arm. Her tail hung limp and her ears were splayed out to the sides.

Ey extricated eir hand from her paws so that ey could turn and get eir arms around her, careful not to jostle too much. Ey leaned down to kiss between her ears, murmuring, "How about you, May?"

"Mm?"

"You've seemed on the edge of overflowing for a few days now."

It took her a long time to respond. At last, she hugged her arms around eir middle and lifted her head to look at him. "You will not be upset with me if I say yes?"

"What?" Ey blinked, shaking eir head. "Of course not. I apologize if it's seemed that way in the past."

She rested her head against eir shoulder. "No, but...I do not know, my dear. Everything is so much more complicated this time. It is bad enough when you have one skunk in your life, but now you have two at the same time. Two and a half, perhaps."

"It's okay, May. It's complicated, but we've done it before, so we'll make it work this time."

She nodded. 

"Can I stay for tonight? I'll help get some meals prepped and some of my stuff in order. It'll give me a chance to contact Douglas, too."

"Of course, my dear. I am not...there yet, but I am close."

"Well, come on, then. Let's get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning."