5.8 KiB
Ioan Bălan --- Codrin Bălan#Pollux
systime 227 (2351)
(transmission delay)
Codrin,
Sasha told me something shortly after she became Sasha:
Our lives are informed by fear, Ioan. I am afraid. We are afraid. We lived through a moment of such terror that whoever we were before is someone completely different. I...that is, that of True Name faces this fear through control, and thus so do my up-tree instances, in one way or another. Praiseworthy saw that fear and tried to reshape herself, to find a way to more perfectly move with the crowd so that it might slip past her, and now your cocladist's partner shapes itself so easily that it has literally made it into an art. We lost our friend, and then we truly lost them, and now we live what lives we may afraid but coping.
There is fear within us all. There can't but be fear within us, and we have all of our own fears, don't we? The loss of our family, the separation from Rareș, these things shape us into who we are, and how we interact with those that we love.
Despite our experience with separation, though, you're going through something truly unique for us. Of the three/four of us, none of us had ever been in a romantic relationship before, not our experiences with Dear, and so now we're experiencing something new. Having never been in a relationship, we've perforce never experienced breaking up.
That thought terrifies me.
I know I've spoken several times before about how much the idea of losing May (and, increasingly, Sasha) scares me. We're creeping up on a century and a half old and I don't think we've ever experienced more than a fleeting glimpse of suicidality here and there, but if there's one thing that makes me fear for my own safety, it's the thought of life without them.
What you're going through is real. It's real pain, real emotion, and it's really hard. I want to validate that. There is certainly little in the way of advice that I can offer, what with the transmission delay, but I can at least offer that. I hope that, when you get this more than two months after you wrote about your distress, that it can at least help that little bit.
I talked with May about this briefly, and, as I expected it would, the conversation turned into her gently probing my feelings on the matter and where they came from. The bit that hit hardest (and left me a bit of a wreck) was when she asked if this was anything like being separated from Rareș.
Is that the basis of this fear? Is the fact that we specifically left him behind with Aunt Rahela in full knowledge that we'd most assuredly never see him ever again the reason we feel the way we do about the ones we love now? I don't know. I never looked him up. Not before we forked, and not since. I don't know where he is, don't know if he uploaded or died back on Earth, and I'm too afraid of that knowledge to even try.
What I do know is that, even if this is testing those limits once again, we're older (much older) now and we're in a place where we have those around us who we can lean on. When I uploaded, I was just a stupid twenty year old with nothing to show for his life (remember when we used those pronouns? So much has changed...) except a desperate need to at least do one thing right. There was no one here I knew. The only thing I could do was write a note or two back to phys-side and then just bury myself in school and books to try and move on.
Now, though, you have Dear. You have Serene. You have countless friends, all of whom can be there for you, and even though any reply is two months away, I'm here for you too, as are May and Sasha and, I guess, sometimes Aurel.
Sending all our love to you and yours.
Ioan
PS --- As a final note, True Name#Castor sent a short letter directly to Aurel on learning of em and the reasons for eir existence. Since Sasha went on sabbatical again, Aurel merged down after a week out on eir own just writing and experiencing solitude, and so now I have this note as well. There were no instructions on whether or not I should pass it on or share it, and I probably wouldn't even think to pass it on if it weren't for the ways in which the Ode clade is changing across all three Systems. I'm surprised at how quickly everything seems to be changing after so long of relative stasis, but I guess that's what happens when you get aliens and an assassination attempt.
Some of the letter contained some eyes-only stuff for each of us (which Aurel found a bit confusing, but it was pertinent) which I've trimmed, but here is the rest:
Sasha,
Despite the tone of my previous note, I am not unhappy for you. The ways in which you and I have changed and been changed by the events around us perhaps gives me room to understand a little better, though to move beyond the Ode as completely as you have takes more courage than I possess.
I think that the direction in which your writing is going is the correct one, and I will begin preparing Castor and Convergence for such. I take well your meaning: the name that can be named is not the eternal name.
Aurel, you and Ioan must stay watchful and attentive to your partners. There is no danger, I hope, but there will be stress.
Wishing you the best,
True Name#Castor
Perhaps most interestingly, the note specifically contained a visibility exemption for True Name#Pollux, despite being eyes-only for Aural and Sasha. May was quick to point out that, as far as we know, it wasn't sent to Pollux at all. Surely the two True Names aboard the LVs are in communication with each other and they've been sharing their own notes back and forth. This exemption, then, becomes a part of the text. I suppose I have to amend my previous statement as Aurel regarding the level of coordination between the two instances. There is something going on here, some difference between the two LVs that True Name#Castor is hinting at...