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%title Ioan Bălan --- 2305 :writing:novel:chapter:fiction:scifi:post-self:qoheleth:
Earlier that day, after Serene and Praiseworthy had left, Ioan had thanked Dear earnestly for the opportunity and experience and prepared to leave. Dear had cried and made Ioan promise to come back --- "your wall will miss you" --- to which Ioan readily agreed. They shook hands, hesitated, shrugged in unison, and then hugged. The contact felt important. Necessary.
Ey would soon, but for now, ey needed some distance from the experience to sit and think and remember and write.
No, not remember --- ey couldn't forget. To mix the thoughts around. To understand. To perform as an amanuensis.
Ey moved out to eir favorite Adirondack chair on the deck with pen and paper. Fine, cream-colored paper. Soft, without being fuzzy. A subtle inlay of thicker rows of pulp, leaving faint horizontal lines visible across the page without necessarily leaving it bumpy or ridged. Fine paper and a nice pen.
Ey spent a minute thinking back on Dear and Qoheleth, spent another savoring the heft of the pen and the texture of the paper, and then began to write.
Or tried to. The words would not come.
It was perhaps too fresh to begin properly. Too near to the surface. Not yet emulsified into the story both ey and Dear craved. The ending had essentially been reached, but the story was still just an outline.
Ey set the paper aside and stood from the chair to lean against the balcony railing of the deck, looking out onto the manicured lawn of the yard, the ring of perpetually blooming lilacs that served as a fence.
Looked, but did not see, for ey was focused inwards. Focused on story and memory. And then ey was focused on composing a short sensorium message to Dear, requesting a half-duplex meeting.
Unsurprisingly, the response was nearly instantaneous. "Ioan. I did not expect to hear from you so soon."
"Right. I know that I promised I needed some space from the story but I was wondering if--"
"Yes, of course!" The fox was grinning wide, ears at full attention. "Sorry, continue."
Ioan laughed. "Well, I think you answered it already, but I was wondering if I could send a fork to work in the room you offered. It was a wonderful place to write, and that would give me easy access to you for clarifications and whatnot."
"As I had guessed. The answer is still yes, then. Shall we expect you for dinner while you stay with us? Please say yes."
"Of course, Dear. I'll gather a few things and then head over momentarily."
The fox appeared to bounce on its feet as it clapped its paws before itself. "Wonderful. We will see you soon."
The few things Ioan needed to gather turned out to be a duplicate of eir nice pen and the few notes ey had made already. It would be easy enough to acquire anything else that ey needed once ey was there, and just as easy to come back to visit this house.
A pen, a few notes, and a new name.
Ey explained eir goals to Ioan#Tracker. Ey frowned, but agreed, requesting a merger beforehand.
#c1494bf was startled by a pang of jealousy. The experience had felt so hard-won, more so than most of eir experiences. To leave #Tracker burdened with it while ey went off to have further experiences felt like an intrusion. To create a long-lived fork was a new thing, though, and ey supposed there would be many discussions on it to come.
Ey forked into #0224ebe8, a signifier that felt somehow familiar, and then #c1494bf quit, letting #Tracker handle the merge. Eir frown deepened, and the two agreed that they would talk about it in the future.
The new fork bowed, then headed to that delightfully modern house on the prairie.
Dear and its partner were already waiting on the path leading up to the door. The fox looked like it had calmed down somewhat, that grin tempered into a smile. Its partner looked pleased as well. "Ioan, good to see you so soon."
Ey bowed to the two, then reached out to shake each of their hands. "Apologies, but you can call me Codrin Bălan."
Any sense of calmness that Dear had managed to acquire was quickly lost. The grin returned, its tail whipped about behind it, and, in perhaps the strangest display of excitement that Codrin had ever seen, it forked several times over, copies of the fox --- of the fox, of what Codrin supposed must be non-anthropomorphized fennecs, of Michelle --- briefly littering the path before quitting.
Codrin laughed.
"A change of name is cause for celebration! Come! Come inside and tell us about it."
Once inside Dear's gallery, ey began, "This little...what, adventure? This adventure has been lousy with names. Your whole clade has a unique approach to them."
Dear nodded. "Names are important. They put a label on things, sure, but much more than that. Names give voice to identity. A chosen name doubly so."
"I was 'Ioan' before I uploaded. I suppose a great many trackers keep their names. Despite the masculinity implied by it and my own fluidity, I was rather attached to it. I liked being 'Ioan'. It was my identity."
"And 'Codrin'?"
Ey regarded the painting of the black square. It no longer felt quite so unnerving. "From 'codru'. Forest. The idea of clades inspired me."
"Does it come with a change of identity, then?"
"Perhaps."
Dear turned to face em, regarded em pleasantly. "I promised you at the beginning of this that I would discuss your Umwelt with you."
Codrin nodded.
"It is an idea from the field of semiotics. It originally applied to the biological side of it. It was the idea that different species living in the same environment would, by necessity, create meaning for themselves in different ways. It was then generalized to the idea that individuals within the same environment would still create meaning in different ways. You and I looking at a painting will experience different feelings and thoughts."
It prodded at Codrin's arm, then at its own. "Of course, we only have a gesture at biology in the system, but it is still the case that it is the sum of our parts --- our experiences --- that shape how we create meaning."
"I see. Then yes, I had a set of experiences that led to a change of how I create meaning."
The fox's ears bobbed as it nodded. "So it is no surprise that you might feel a shift in your identity. The Ioan that finished the experience was no longer the same Ioan that started it. Ey was a Codrin now."
"Precisely. It was strange," ey mused. "When #Tracker-- when Ioan asked that I merge, I felt a bit of jealousy, and I wasn't quite sure why. Despite all of the other projects that I've approached with a fork leading to no such feelings, something about this one made it feel like a stranger was asking me to give up something intimate."
Dear laughed. "The very thing that keeps me from being anything other than a dispersionista. Jealousy is a sign of needs not met, and one of my needs --- one of the clade's needs --- is that of ownership over memory. I would be furious if Praiseworthy asked me to merge with her."
Ey grinned and nodded.
"Perhaps you have a bit of dispersionista in you, then."
"I suppose I must. You Odists seem to have infected me with the need to own memory." Ey sighed. "I don't know if it will stick, and perhaps once I'm done, I will head back and merge with Ioan. I don't know."
"You are welcome to stay here while you figure that out, and as long after as you would like."
"You're sure? You and your partner won't mind?"
It shook its head. "Of course not. I am sure we all have our own privacy needs that will require discussion, but we like you, Codrin. Trauma, if trauma this is, forges bonds. I think we are both open to strengthening this one."
There was a comfortable silence, then, as the two digested the conversation.
It was Codrin who spoke up next. "What do you make of it?"
"Of what? Of the goings on?"
"No, of the painting," ey said, nodding toward the canvas. The prairie and the ultrablack square.
"Haven't a fucking clue."