29 KiB
Ioan Bălan --- 2350
Ioan quickly began to wish for boredom. They'd made it into April and so many things had happened. Assassination attempts, centuries of merging, overflowing...
Ey just wanted to be bored.
At least they'd settled into a routine once more, and it was far more comfortable than either of the previous ones --- when True Name had first moved in, and then after End Waking's merge --- so ey couldn't complain too much.
True Name managed May's merge much more easily than she had End Waking's, and ey could see now the benefits of that week of negotiation beforehand. Nearly two months later, and she still occasionally mentioned a pressing memory or two from End Waking demanding attention.
It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, but still a routine.
It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what Zacharias had become or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had become.
Ey had certainly liked who she was, of course. Three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that, but a large part of this, ey'd come to realize, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her.
The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately.
She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the common areas before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them.
"This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid," she'd said between sniffles. "I am sorry."
May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights.
It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another two hours. Later that day, May had instructed her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork.
Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded the bed by a foot to at least make it roomier when she did join them. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night.
Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see just how much May's opinion of her had softened.
On the other, so had eirs. The nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had often included the skunks sleeping in, ey eventually gave up on that.
And ey was genuinely pleased to see her happy, or at least on her way to happiness.
((they have been seeing Sarah again))
It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts; ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces.
The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey stayed away, opting instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the History, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for.
Beyond that, though, it was just the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre.
That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even enjoy and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun.
This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, opting instead for a low and flat building, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in on notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass.
Ey liked it immensely.
The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building --- one wall for each race and one for their shared knowledge --- that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material.
Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring.
Eventually, having loaded up on a few random finds --- trashy sci-fi, some intriguing contemporary fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May --- ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed eir finds out before em on the table.
The sci-fi proved to be a little too trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head.
Eventually, though, ey gave up and just sat in the sun, watching the way it filtered through the glass leaves and branches of the trees.
No better way to realize just how tense you are than by relaxing, ey thought.
Ey didn't doubt that the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas's field, End Waking's forest...well, no longer Arrowhead Lake.
"Hi Serene," ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. "I know it's been a while since we've spoken, so I hope you're well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some...very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that's what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it.
"Still, it's become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we're finding ourselves missing it. I don't know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? Would be a modification of my home sim. There's no rush, and if nothing else, it'd be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon."
Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn't get back into any of the books ey'd started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page's cart, an act that almost certainly just reshelved them, and hunted down tea.
Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea.
Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard --- this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid --- in order to reply. "Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me."
"No problem," she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. "Thank you for thinking of me."
"Of course, no one better."
"Flatterer," she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled, though. "Are you in a place where you can speak freely?"
"I...well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that."
Ey stepped home quickly, stopping in the entryway to sweep emself. No spies. Thank God, he thought. Wouldn't have put it past them to bug me at the library.
Blinking a visually secured cone of silence into being, ey spoke into the sensorium message. "Okay, secure now."
Serene laughed, "Oh, I had just meant away from crowds, no need to go through this much trouble."
"Well, given all that's been going on..."
There was the sense of a sigh on the other end of the message. "Yes, I suppose you are right. That is why I messaged you back, actually. While it is certainly feasible and I would ordinarily be more than happy, I am not yet ready to engage with True Name."
"That's fair," ey said after a pause. "I know things are complicated. Do you know of any--"
"Oh goodness, I did not say I would not do it! I will, just...not yet. Please give me some time, my dear."
Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floor. "Right, okay. May I ask how you're feeling about this, then? I've had precious little contact with...well anyone."
There was another sigh. "I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage."
"Of course."
"Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think."
"Peak Lake#587a9383."
"Seriously?" Serene laughed. "I have not heard that address in decades."
"Wait, did you--"
"It is not mine, no, but a student of mine made it. I do not imagine they still have ACLs, but I will ask."
Ey shook eir head. "You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?"
"It is not not true."
"There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible."
"How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?"
"I haven't the faintest."
"How many of us do you think there are?"
"Right." Ey smirked. "'Nominally' a hundred."
"There you go," she said, voice sly. "We are old and we are many."
"I bet," ey laughed. "Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It's just got bugs."
"Gross."
"Very. Keep in touch, okay?"
"Will do, my dear. Say hi for me."
And with that, the message ended. Ey straightened up, went to rub at eir face, realized ey was still holding the cup of tea from the library, and turned the motion into taking a sip.
Ey dropped the cone of silence and let out a shout. The ACLs had blurred the area outside the cone enough that the sight of two skunks standing just outside its edge, staring intently at em and whispering to each other caught em off guard.
"What the hell?"
Both skunks laughed.
"We could ask you the same, my dear," May said, stepping up to get her arms around eir middle. "What an awkward place to have a conversation."
"I had to get somewhere secure," ey said, voice muffled as ey placed a kiss between her ears. "Serene says hi, by the way."
"What were you talking about that required security?" True Name asked, still grinning.
"Nothing too serious, actually. Just an abundance of caution, there. I was seeing what it would take to get our own copy of Arrowhead Lake."
Both skunks perked up at that. "Is that something she can do?" True Name asked.
"Apparently one of her students made it, so she's going to ask and see if they have ACLs. Otherwise, she said she's happy to make something similar down the line. Maybe once this is all over."
True Name nodded. "I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake."
Ey nodded. "Same. Gonna let me in, May?"
"Absolutely not," she said. "You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home."
Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. "Skunks are such brats."
She laughed and shoved herself away from em. "Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion."
Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up --- the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it --- finally ending with, "It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?"
May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. "I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. Restaurants."
"Getting sick of my cooking?"
"It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine." She hesitated, then shrugged. "Though you are not very good at sushi."
"Do you feel like you are not able to leave?" True Name asked. "I do not think you would be in much danger."
"I would not wish to test that." May shrugged. "It has me anxious that both Jonas and so many of us are out there and have so much out for you. They may not be after me in particular, but I do not want to encounter any of them at the moment."
Ey nodded. "What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's since Secession day, but I'm sure there are others who'd be willing to sweep and have you over just to get out of the house. Hell, I bet Debarre would love to see you, and he seems the paranoid sort, anyway."
She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. "You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point."
A motion from the couch drew eir ey. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. "So many names," she said, voice distant. "I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few months ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well."
"You will see them one day, my dear," May said. "I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will."
"Not today. Not yet," True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. "But you should, May. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms."
May laughed. "I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once."
"Of course. Go visit the field and Douglas. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking."
May looked to Ioan, who said, "I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here."
"Will you not come with?"
Ey shrugged. "I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house."
"Pushing me out the door, now?" She smirked.
"No, of course not," ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. "Just making sure you get what you need, too."
"I am," True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. "I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling."
"I would call this mean if you were not both so right," May said, waving a paw dismissively. "Give me a moment, then."
When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged.
"Alright," May said. "Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, Ioan? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that."
"Wait, tonight?"
"He is free, so why not?"
Ey furrowed eir brow. "I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?"
"You do not have to, Ioan," she chided. "I know you enjoy alone time as much as anyone."
"Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim."
She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. "It is nearly six. I was going to head out now, my dear. Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit of solitude."
"Alright, alright."
She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. "And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever."
"Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May."
Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed.
It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today when they'd apparently started feeling well enough to get out.
There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merger, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and May.
And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. The nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches.
But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant.
You can just ask, too, you know.
"Hey, True Name?"
"Mm?"
"Have things been awkward since the merge?"
She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her paws over her face. She certainly looked like she'd dozed off. "Awkward how?"
"Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand." Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag, as well, adding, "Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking."
"Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least," she said, grinning. "I have no idea, my dear. I am...I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me qua True Name over the last few years feels more...real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?"
Ey knit eir brow and nodded. "Of course."
"Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. Too long a time of the whole clade accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins, perhaps." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But now I am of three minds. I am True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core --- there must be --- as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds."
"In terms of conflicts?"
She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. The reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says."
"I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds...I don't even know. Impossible."
"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what May --- or even I --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, dear."
Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks.
"Yes, see? Look at you." She laughed. "It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is...of me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is further, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of your boundaries."
"You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously. "Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward."
"Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?"
Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle of eir own. "Uh...well, sure."
For all the confidence in her words, the skunk looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em.
Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process.
"Jesus...you would think...I would know how this works," she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized.
"Here, just-- Oh." Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. "I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant."
"Not exactly, no," came her muffled voice. "But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed."
Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. "Sorry, True Name."
After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. "This is stupid, Ioan," she grumbled. "This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected. Pet my ears, please."
"Uh...yeah. Stupid, awkward, and confusing is about the long and short of it-- What? Oh." Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very nearly the same, and were it not for the difference in clothes and the benefit of two and half decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. "Too awkward?"
"I do not know. The closer I get, the more May I feel, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched, and by none other than you," she mumbled against the beanbag. "But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?"
"Almost exactly and not at all."
The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. "That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds."
"Right. I think I understand a little better."
She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad."
They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, leaving em feeling in far over eir head. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Ey'd read up on plurality in the past, and this felt similar, yet inexact. The comparison was there to be made, and doubtless much that had gone in to working with plurality would prove useful here, but the addition of the concurrent nature of their memories added a layer of complication.
Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complicated in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so.
If only I could just turn off the overthinking, ey thought. Aloud, ey said, "What do you think you'll do after all of this?"
The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. "Sorry, dear. I was dozy. What was that?"
Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. "What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?"
"I will relax," she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. "I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for a few days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then."
"No, it's fine. A break might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again," ey said, laughing. "And I hope you won't disappear."
"I will not, you need not worry." She shrugged against eir shoulder. "Beyond that, I do not know. I may write."
"What sorts of things?"
"Perhaps a companion volume to your History. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?"
"That would've made life so much easier."
"Why?" She said, smirking up towards em. "No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?"
"I didn't yell at her!" Ey shook eir head, laughing. "I just called her manipulative."
"Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law." She patted eir thigh. "But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people."
"Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?"
There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people."
"And the True Name third?"
She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame and rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade."
Unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, ey just nodded.
"But come, that is enough of that," she said decisively. "Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself to sleep after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of hear within one month."
"You mean for the meeting with Jonas?"
"Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in, but having that deadline will only help."
"Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then," ey said. "And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too."
"Of course, dear," she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to.
They both froze.
"Fuck, I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--"
"Well, that was--" ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. "Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that."
She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. "Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment."
Ey frowned. "It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--"
"It crossed one of my boundaries," she said, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing. "Sorry, dear. Like I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am learning how to use it through trial and error."
Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. "Take the space you need."
Her shoulders slumped. "I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things." She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. "Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns."