zk/writing/post-self/mitzvot/006.md

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As usual, Debarre woke alone.

End Waking would doubtless be somewhere in the woods, walking or checking snare traps or simply sitting on a rock thinking, having slipped away at first light quietly and carefully enough not to wake him. Still, they'd gone to bed early enough that the horizon down the hill had only just let go of the sun.

He slipped out of bed and into eir pants --- black denim traded in for a dirty green canvas --- splashed some water on his face from the barrel nearby, and started the trek back out to the rock where they'd set the fire before, figuring that'd be the most likely place to find his boyfriend.

End Waking was indeed there, crouching before a low fire with a pot for coffee already set above it, but another skunk knelt across from him as well, chatting quietly.

"Hey May Then My Name," he said, settling down beside her. "What're you doing here?"

The skunk jolted up, grinned wide, and leaned in to hug around his shoulders dotting her nose on each of his cheeks. "Holy shit, Debarre, you taking lessons from End Waking? Scared the crap out of me, sneaking up like that."

He laughed and returned the hug before reaching for the coffee pot. "Maybe it's contagious."

"Can you imagine anything so miserable?" the other skunk said, waving the weasel back from the coffee pot. "Our guest here finished what was left. You will have to wait, my dear."

"Sorry," she said, holding her battered enamel mug out to Debarre. "You can have the last third."

"Nah, go ahead. I'll wait. You never told me what you're doing here, though."

She stuck out her tongue at him. "Am I not allowed to be a pest? That is my role in life."

"'Course you are, just that usually you're a pest with news."

"Fine, fine, yes," she said. "It can wait until after coffee, though. How are you, my dear? I was not expecting you to be back just yet."

"It is my fault," her cocladist said. "A tree fell on me back around--"

"*What?!*"

He shrugged. "There was a wind storm late last year and a tree fell across my tent. It crushed the frame and floor, knocked over the back wall, and impaled my thigh on a splinter."

She brought her paws up to cover her muzzle, eyes wide.

"I am okay," he said, smiling disarmingly. "But I asked Debarre to return to help me rebuild."

"He didn't want to fork to fix his leg," the weasel said, rolling his eyes.

"I do not fork often, you know that."

"There was a plank through your leg, E.W.," he retorted. "That wasn't just going to heal okay on its own"

It was the skunk's turn to roll his eyes. "You are no fun, my dear."

May Then My Name, having finally calmed down enough to speak, said, "Well, thank you, Debarre. I am glad you are okay, skunk. I would be lost without you."

Debarre nodded.

"The trees do not know how to kill me, My Then My Name," End Waking said, frowning. "There is no virus within them. Debarre was right to get me to fork to fix, I will admit, but I would have done anyway had it landed more fully on me."

When all that greeted this was silence, the skunk sighed and let his shoulders slump. "I am sorry, you two. I have set up the new camp in a location with sturdier trees. I will endeavor to remain cautious."

May Then My Name crawled around the fire to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. He looked uncomfortable, but tolerated the touch.

"Thank you, my dear," she said. "I do not mean to lecture. I am just...well, if the coffee is ready, please pour yourself a cup, Debarre, and we will talk."

Once they'd settled back down, each with their coffee and the kettle replaced with a pot to cook oatmeal, she began, "To preface, this is nothing serious, I just need to talk with someone who is not Ioan."

"Why?" End Waking asked.

"You will see. That is also part of it."

He nodded.

"I am not even sure that it is actionable." She sighed, shrugged. "I have just been thinking about True Name a lot of late."

End Waking sat, impassive, while Debarre shook his head. "Why? I thought you'd basically agreed to never talk again."

"We have not talked. At least, not more than a few cordial words in passing. However, Ioan has been meeting up with her for coffee once a month since the first news of the Artemisians."

Both of the others looked nonplussed.

"Ey has been ensuring that things remain polite and smooth between us." She held up a paw to forestall any comments, adding quickly, "I trust em in this. Ey's simply meeting her at a coffee shop where they each work on their own projects. They chat a little, and then do their own things. Ey describes it as 'friendly coworkers' more than anything, which I believe."

"Is that a thing that even needs to be done?" Debarre said. "Wasn't she just leaving you alone before?"

"Yes, thankfully. It is just..." She frowned, poking at the packed earth with a claw. "That has been necessary to prevent anger, but it has still not been comfortable. There are plenty of people who I no longer see and do not miss, or do miss and think about with some frequency. However, it was such an uneasy silence."

"And you think Ioan's doing the right thing?"

"Ey is," End Waking said. "Ey is ensuring that there remains a distance between you two without it being an unbridged distance. The Bălans are perhaps a little awkward at times, but they do not lack social graces."

May Then My Name sighed and rubbed her paws over her face. "I know," she whined. "And I love em for thinking of that."

"You just still resent her," the other skunk said.

"Yes."

"I know you said it probably isn't actionable," Debarre said, poking at the fire with a stick. "But what would you change about the situation?"

"As in 'in a perfect world'?"

"Right, yeah. Perfect world, what would you like?"

She frowned, watching End Waking dote over the oatmeal, dumpling a pawful of dried fruit into it. Eventually, she said, "I do not know. She has apologized and done what I have requested. She has changed, from what Ioan has said. She is trying to be more earnest and willing to engage emotionally. She has been seeing Sarah as well."

Debarre nodded. "But it sounds like that's not it."

"No. I think what is missing is contrition. She has apologized for what she has done and has begun to make changes. I do not know how to put it, but it feels like she is being earnest without being sincere. She is sorry, but not contrite. She does not feel bad for what she has done."

"There is no penance," End Waking said plainly, dishing out the oatmeal into the mugs they'd been using for coffee. "True penance is borne out of feeling bad about what one has done, not merely a desire to do better."

May Then My Name toyed with her oatmeal. "Yes. Maybe she does and just does not know how to show it. I just do not know how to truly believe that."

"Worried she's just acting?" Debarred said, blowing on a still vigorously steaming spoonful of oats.

"Yes. I had to teach myself contrition, relearn it from when I was Michelle."

"It takes practice, my dear," End Waking added. "At least when one does not necessarily have that built in. If I could teach her, if either of us could teach her, I think we would, but I do not know that one can learn penance from anyone but oneself."

She nodded, looking distracted and thoughtful. "If it were as simple as merging down..."

End Waking frowned around his bite of breakfast.

She smiled to him apologetically. "Sorry, my dear. Thank you both for listening to me bitch."

"It's fine, skunk," Debarre said. "I think E.W. is right that Ioan's doing the right thing. It takes some pressure off of you and lets it...I dunno, be a process or something. You don't have to do anything now 'cause you've got a way to deal with it."

"Yes, well put. Thank you, my dear," she said. "I will process as best I can. I do not suppose either of you have talked to her recently?"

They both shook their heads.

"Right, I thought not. That's enough of the topic for now, anyway." She waved a paw and took a bite of oatmeal, then pulled a face. "We need to get you some sugar or something, my dear."

Debarre laughed. "She's right, E.W. I've gotten used to it, but only just barely."

"Fucking lame," the skunk said mildly. "My sim, my rules. You must suffer without."

May Then My Name flicked some oatmeal from her spoon at him. "Call me lame, will you."

He grinned toothily, picking the bit of oatmeal off his shirt sleeve and adding it to his mug.

"Either way, my root instance is back at home, so I can stay as long as I like. Would you like some help, at least?"

"If you can swing a hammer, then yes, that would be wonderful."