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<title>Zk | RJ Brewster --- 2114</title>
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2020-04-17 08:55:07 +00:00
<h1>Zk | RJ Brewster --- 2114</h1>
2020-04-11 23:40:07 +00:00
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<p><span class="tag">writing</span> <span class="tag">novel</span> <span class="tag">chapter</span> <span class="tag">fiction</span> <span class="tag">scifi</span> <span class="tag">post-self</span> <span class="tag">qoheleth</span></p>
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<p>Sasha,</p>
<p>I am, in a way, leaving you with a burden. I know this, and I apologize for doing so. I do not ask for nor deserve forgiveness. The only thing I can ask for is that you remember me.</p>
<p>The world within was a nightmare. I am sure that you know some of what I mean. It was a nightmare and I would not wish it on anyone.</p>
<p>And yet now, to be without it is to be incomplete. I was changed in there. We were all changed in there. Do not deny that you were not. Cicero certainly was not. None of the lost came away unscathed, even if we awoke hale and hardy.</p>
<p>We lost Cicero, and then we truly lost him. The nothing that he experienced in there, the way his anger wrapped back around on himself did him in in the end. </p>
<p>And I will not deny that the same has crossed my mind. There was a scent of the void in there, and it was alluring. I have been tempted to follow in his footsteps and seek that void out in its own right. I decided against it. Truly decided: I made the conscious decision to stick around.</p>
<p>I did it for STT at first, but becoming the theater was too stark a reminder. Then I did it for you and Priscilla, but then she passed. Then I did it for you and...well, there is where I do not deserve forgiveness. It is not that you were not in some way worth sticking around for, as you have always been my champion and friend. It's just that the call is too strong.</p>
2020-04-15 06:35:06 +00:00
<p>I have volunteered for an early procedure. A way back. Or a way to a new place, perhaps. A way to be embedded within a system. I cannot say where, other than it is not in the Western Fed. All I can tell you is that the world should expect big things when it comes to what we have learned from the lost.</p>
<p>I will not say that there is no chance that we may some day meet again. My body will die, I'm told, but should my mind and my self miraculously survive, then I will be on my own once more. This time, it will be my choice.</p>
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<p>There will be those who come after, though. Perhaps you will come after. Perhaps you will yearn for that return to the mirrored world where memory does not die. Maybe those who come after will do so for other reasons, but they will come.</p>
<p>Should I survive and then others come after, perhaps I will meet them. But it is best to assume that I will not. Maybe it is best to think of it as a sort of suicide, in the end. Here I am, going off to find a better place. One that is inaccessible to you or anyone, except perhaps some anonymous scientist in a lab, typing at a terminal.</p>
<p>If I see you again, I will greet you with open arms. If I do not, know that I loved you to the last, in my own way.</p>
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<p>I have little else to offer but the words that plagued me while I was lost.</p>
<div class="codehilite"><pre><span></span><code><span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">loss</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">images</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">days</span>:
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">sight</span> <span class="nv">but</span> <span class="nv">cannot</span> <span class="nv">see</span>.
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<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">build</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">castle</span> <span class="nv">out</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">words</span><span class="c1">;</span>
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<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">cannot</span> <span class="nv">stop</span> <span class="nv">myself</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">speaking</span>.
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">will</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">goals</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">reach</span> <span class="k">for</span>,
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">wants</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">needs</span>.
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">dream</span>, <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">so</span>?
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">dream</span>, <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">longer</span> <span class="nv">myself</span>?
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">dream</span>, <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">buried</span> <span class="nv">beneath</span> <span class="nv">words</span>?
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<span class="nv">And</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">still</span> <span class="nv">dream</span> <span class="nv">even</span> <span class="k">while</span> <span class="nv">awake</span>.
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<span class="nv">Life</span> <span class="nv">breeds</span> <span class="nv">life</span>, <span class="nv">but</span> <span class="nv">death</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="nv">now</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">chosen</span>
<span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">memory</span> <span class="nv">ends</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">teeth</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">death</span>.
<span class="nv">The</span> <span class="nv">living</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">they</span> <span class="nv">will</span> <span class="nv">die</span>,
<span class="nv">but</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">dead</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">nothing</span>.
<span class="nv">Hold</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">name</span> <span class="nv">beneath</span> <span class="nv">your</span> <span class="nv">tongue</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">know</span>:
<span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">you</span> <span class="nv">die</span>, <span class="nv">thus</span> <span class="nv">dies</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">memory</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">me</span>.
<span class="nv">To</span> <span class="nv">deny</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">deny</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">beginnings</span>,
<span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">deny</span> <span class="nv">beginnings</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">become</span> <span class="nv">immortal</span>,
<span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">become</span> <span class="nv">immortal</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">repeat</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">past</span>,
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<span class="nv">which</span> <span class="nv">cannot</span> <span class="nv">itself</span>, <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span>, <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">denied</span>.
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<span class="nv">Oh</span>, <span class="nv">but</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">whom</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">speak</span> <span class="nv">these</span> <span class="nv">words</span>?
<span class="nv">To</span> <span class="nv">whom</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">plead</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">case</span>?
<span class="nv">From</span> <span class="nv">whence</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="k">call</span> <span class="nl">out</span>?
<span class="nv">What</span> <span class="nv">right</span> <span class="nv">have</span> <span class="nv">I</span>?
<span class="nv">No</span> <span class="nv">ranks</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">angels</span> <span class="nv">will</span> <span class="nv">answer</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">dreamers</span>,
<span class="nv">No</span> <span class="nv">unknowable</span> <span class="nv">spaces</span> <span class="nv">echo</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">words</span>.
<span class="nv">Before</span> <span class="nv">whom</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">kneel</span>, <span class="nv">contrite</span>?
<span class="nv">Behind</span> <span class="nv">whom</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">await</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">judgment</span>?
<span class="nv">Beside</span> <span class="nv">whom</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">face</span> <span class="nv">death</span>?
<span class="nv">And</span> <span class="nv">why</span> <span class="k">wait</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">answer</span>?
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<span class="nv">Time</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">finger</span> <span class="nv">pointing</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">itself</span>
<span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">might</span> <span class="nv">give</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">world</span> <span class="nv">orders</span>.
<span class="nv">The</span> <span class="nv">world</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">audience</span> <span class="nv">before</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">stage</span>
<span class="nv">where</span> <span class="nv">it</span> <span class="nv">watches</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">slow</span> <span class="nv">hours</span> <span class="nv">progress</span>.
<span class="nv">And</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">motes</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">stage</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">lights</span>,
<span class="nv">Beholden</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">heat</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">lamps</span>.
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">walk</span> <span class="nv">backward</span>, <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">moves</span> <span class="nv">forward</span>.
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">walk</span> <span class="nv">forward</span>, <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">rushes</span> <span class="nv">on</span>.
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">stand</span> <span class="nv">still</span>, <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">world</span> <span class="nv">moves</span> <span class="nv">around</span> <span class="nv">me</span>,
<span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">constant</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">change</span>.
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<span class="nv">Memory</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">mirror</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">hammered</span> <span class="nv">silver</span>:
<span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">weapon</span> <span class="nv">against</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">waking</span> <span class="nv">world</span>.
<span class="nv">Dreams</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">plate</span><span class="o">-</span><span class="nv">glass</span> <span class="nv">atop</span> <span class="nv">memory</span>:
<span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">clarifying</span> <span class="nv">agent</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">reflects</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">sun</span>.
<span class="nv">The</span> <span class="nv">waking</span> <span class="nv">world</span> <span class="nv">fogs</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">view</span>,
<span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">makes</span> <span class="nv">prey</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">remembering</span>.
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">remember</span> <span class="nv">sands</span> <span class="nv">beneath</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">feet</span>.
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">remember</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">rattle</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">dry</span> <span class="nv">grass</span>.
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">remember</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">names</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">things</span>,
<span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">forget</span> <span class="nv">them</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">wake</span>.
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<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">bathe</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">dreams</span>,
<span class="k">then</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">willing</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">submerge</span> <span class="nv">myself</span>.
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">submerge</span> <span class="nv">myself</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">memory</span>,
<span class="k">then</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">true</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">myself</span>.
<span class="k">If</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">am</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">always</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">true</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">myself</span>,
<span class="k">then</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">ways</span> <span class="nv">be</span> <span class="nv">earnest</span>.
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="nv">keep</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">veil</span> <span class="nv">between</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">words</span>.
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="nv">set</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">stones</span> <span class="nv">between</span> <span class="nv">me</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">actions</span>.
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="k">show</span> <span class="nv">no</span> <span class="nv">hesitation</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">speaking</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">name</span>,
<span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">posession</span>.
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<span class="nv">The</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">true</span> <span class="nv">name</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">dream</span>.
<span class="nv">The</span> <span class="nv">only</span> <span class="nv">time</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">dream</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">need</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="nv">answer</span>.
<span class="nv">Why</span> <span class="nv">ask</span> <span class="nv">questions</span>, <span class="nv">here</span> <span class="nv">at</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">things</span>?
<span class="nv">Why</span> <span class="nv">ask</span> <span class="nv">questions</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">answers</span> <span class="nv">will</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">help</span>?
<span class="nv">To</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">one</span><span class="s1">&#39;</span><span class="s">s true name is to know god.</span>
<span class="nv">To</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">god</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">answer</span> <span class="nv">unasked</span> <span class="nv">questions</span>.
<span class="k">Do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">god</span> <span class="nv">after</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">all</span> <span class="nv">things</span>?
<span class="k">Do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">god</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">remember</span> <span class="nv">myself</span>?
<span class="k">Do</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">know</span> <span class="nv">god</span> <span class="nv">when</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">dream</span>?
<span class="nv">May</span> <span class="k">then</span> <span class="nv">my</span> <span class="nv">name</span> <span class="nv">die</span> <span class="nv">with</span> <span class="nv">me</span>.
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<span class="nv">That</span> <span class="nv">which</span> <span class="nv">lives</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">forever</span> <span class="nv">praiseworthy</span>,
<span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">they</span>, <span class="nv">knowing</span> <span class="nv">not</span>, <span class="nv">provide</span> <span class="nv">life</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">death</span>.
<span class="nv">Dear</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">wheat</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">rye</span> <span class="nv">under</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">stars</span>:
<span class="nv">serene</span><span class="c1">; sustained and sustaining.</span>
<span class="nv">Dear</span>, <span class="nv">also</span>, <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">tree</span> <span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">was</span> <span class="nv">felled</span>
<span class="nv">which</span> <span class="nv">offers</span> <span class="nv">heat</span> <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">warmth</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">fire</span>.
<span class="nv">What</span> <span class="nv">praise</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">give</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">give</span> <span class="nv">by</span> <span class="nv">consuming</span>,
<span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">gifts</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">give</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">give</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">death</span>,
<span class="nv">what</span> <span class="nv">lives</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">lead</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">lead</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">memory</span>,
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<span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">memory</span> <span class="nv">lies</span> <span class="nv">beneath</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">roots</span>.
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<span class="nv">Among</span> <span class="nv">those</span> <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">create</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">those</span> <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">forge</span>:
<span class="nv">They</span> <span class="nv">move</span> <span class="nv">from</span> <span class="nv">creation</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">creation</span>.
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<span class="nv">And</span> <span class="nv">those</span> <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">remain</span> <span class="nv">are</span> <span class="nv">those</span> <span class="nv">who</span> <span class="nv">hone</span>:
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<span class="nv">They</span> <span class="nv">perfect</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">single</span> <span class="nv">art</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">a</span> <span class="nv">cruel</span> <span class="nv">point</span>.
<span class="nv">To</span> <span class="nv">forge</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="k">end</span>, <span class="nv">and</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">own</span> <span class="nv">beginnings</span>.
<span class="nv">To</span> <span class="nv">hone</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">trade</span> <span class="nv">ends</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">perpetual</span> <span class="nv">starts</span>.
<span class="nv">In</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">days</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">must</span> <span class="nv">begin</span> <span class="nv">anew</span>.
<span class="nv">In</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">days</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">seek</span> <span class="nv">an</span> <span class="k">end</span>.
<span class="nv">In</span> <span class="nv">this</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">days</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">reach</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">new</span> <span class="nv">beginnings</span>
<span class="nv">that</span> <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="nv">may</span> <span class="nv">find</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">middle</span> <span class="nv">path</span>.
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<span class="nv">May</span> <span class="nv">one</span> <span class="nv">day</span> <span class="nv">death</span> <span class="nv">itself</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">die</span>?
<span class="nv">Should</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">rejoice</span> <span class="nv">in</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">endings</span>?
<span class="nv">What</span> <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">correct</span> <span class="nv">thing</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">hope</span> <span class="k">for</span>?
<span class="nv">I</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">know</span>, <span class="nv">I</span> <span class="k">do</span> <span class="nv">not</span> <span class="nv">know</span>.
<span class="nv">To</span> <span class="nv">pray</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">endings</span>
<span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">to</span> <span class="nv">pray</span> <span class="k">for</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="k">end</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">memory</span>.
<span class="nv">Should</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">forget</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">lives</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">lead</span>?
<span class="nv">Should</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">forget</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">names</span> <span class="nv">of</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">dead</span>?
<span class="nv">Should</span> <span class="nv">we</span> <span class="nv">forget</span> <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">wheat</span>, <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">rye</span>, <span class="nv">the</span> <span class="nv">tree</span>?
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<span class="nv">Perhaps</span> <span class="nv">this</span>, <span class="nv">too</span>, <span class="nv">is</span> <span class="nv">meaningless</span>.
</code></pre></div>
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<p>May this be the end of death. Failing that, may the memory of me die and be food for the growth for those who come after.</p>
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<p>Yours,</p>
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<p>AwDae</p>
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