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<title>Zk | 009</title>
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<h1>Zk | 009</h1>
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<article class="content">
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<p>date: 2019-09-16
weight: 9</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>And now you&rsquo;re still again.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Sometimes. One of the treatments worked, though I&rsquo;m not sure which. One of them caused vertigo and nausea, though I&rsquo;m not sure which. But even after I went off them, I&rsquo;m usually still.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>Is that not enough?</p>
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<p>It&rsquo;s certainly better, don&rsquo;t get me wrong. The stress of driving will bring out the dance-like turn of my arm. An interview a few weeks ago went poorly after the twitching and twirling got bad enough to prevent me from focusing on the problem at hand. A distressing scene in a movie will leave me paralyzed and rigid in my seat, posture unnatural and unnerving.</p>
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<p>Judith reassured me that it looked like I was stretching, that it was less distressing than the tic.</p>
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<p>You still apologized. You apologized to all of your partners the first time they saw it, and countless times after.</p>
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<p>Yes. I explained and explained, hoping they&rsquo;d forgive me.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>For what? For being less than perfect?</p>
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<p>For being vulnerable. Even after so long away from my dad and Jay, it&rsquo;s ingrained in me that vulnerability is a personal failing. Or perhaps it&rsquo;s more general: perhaps vulnerability is worth apologizing for because of some hereditary reason. Perhaps I&rsquo;m apologizing to my ancestors, to the human race, for being less than they hoped for, for being a disappointment.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>How very human of you.</p>
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<p>My therapist apologized to me on one stressy day when I was visibly struggling to stay still. She said she felt bad for having caused this. I rushed to reassure her that, no, it probably wasn&rsquo;t her fault, that I&rsquo;d been on the antipsychotics for a while before ever meeting her. That the tic started back in 2012 before I&rsquo;d even started those.</p>
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<blockquote>
<p>You apologized for the fact that she felt the need to apologize.</p>
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<p>Well, yes.</p>
<blockquote>
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<p>It&rsquo;s not your fault either, you know.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don&rsquo;t. Or can&rsquo;t.</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2023-05-10</p>
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