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<span class="err">(transmission delay: 7.23 days)</span>
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<p>Depression, Ioan had long known but struggled to internalize, was fundamentally different from sadness. It was just as different from May’s overwhelming waves of emotions.</p>
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<p>Depression, Ioan had long known but struggled to internalize, was fundamentally different from sadness, just as it was different from May’s overwhelming waves of emotions.</p>
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<p>Ey was confronted with it now, forced to see the way the emotion — or non-emotion, as May put it — affected one on a more fundamental level than anything so simple as sadness could hope to. Those overwhelming waves, as the one she’d just recovered from, were fundamental in their own way, but far, far less existential.</p>
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<p>It was bound by the cycle of the day, and so Ioan and May would spend their mornings strategizing their evenings, ensuring that they were able to have as pleasant a time as that ashen feeling May described would allow, to work as well as they could manage through that fog.</p>
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<p>“We are not unfamiliar with it, Ioan,” A Finger Pointing had said when, after watching Death Itself and I Do Not Know quit, May’s countenance grew duller and duller, and the skunk spoke less and less. “We know depression from the embodied world, and it comes up every now and then for each of us here, too.”</p>
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<p>“Even True Name, I suppose,” ey had said in turn, describing the conversation ey’d had with her.</p>
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<p>She had nodded. “It will pass, and we will make the shows work, my dear. Keep her company and be good to her, and you need not worry.”</p>
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<p>Some dark look must have crossed eir face at which the director had shaken her head and hugged em. “Do not worry about that, Ioan. There is no death in her. I am sorry that there are no easy ways to explain it, but I promise that what I expect she is feeling is separate from what our cocladists felt.”</p>
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<p>Some dark look must have crossed eir face at which the director had shaken her head and hugged em. “Do not worry about that, Ioan. There is no death in her, I am sure of that. I am sorry that there are no easy ways to explain it, but I promise that what I expect she is feeling is separate from what our cocladists felt.”</p>
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<p>When presented with this along with eir anxious expression, the skunk had laughed and tousled eir hair. “She is right, my dear. It feels uncomfortable at best, bad at worst, but only ever bad. I am simply a bit crashy after a little too much all at once.”</p>
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<p>So for the last few days, they’d strategized in the mornings and then done what they could in the evenings. Scenes in plays were reworked for understudies, dinner menus shifted towards comfort foods, temperatures and weather adjusted, old comfort-hobbies dredged up from the past — the skunk had been littering the house with origami figures. Ey’d even tried reading aloud to her, her with her head parked on eir chest and em with a book held above them. This had gone over well, and ey had that on the menu for later in the evening after dinner.</p>
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<p>Today still held the first meeting with Sarah Genet, however, so ey focused on making a good breakfast, and spending a bit of time relaxing on the porch swing with May, giving her pets and quiet company.</p>
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<p>Still, today held the first meeting with Sarah Genet, however, so ey focused on making a good breakfast, and spending a bit of time relaxing on the porch swing with May, giving her pets and quiet company.</p>
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<p>“How are you feeling about this?” ey asked, voice muffled. May had requested a brushing of her tail, which meant a face full of fluff.</p>
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<p>“I do not know. I am anxious. I am trying to keep up that sense of hopefulness that I had when we began planning this, but the anxiety is getting in the way.”</p>
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<p>Ey tamped down the urge to ask what the anxiety was over, knowing that the answer would likely be <em>I do not know</em> or <em>nothing</em> — rightly so, for eir own anxiety often seemed to have no basis in reality. Instead, ey asked, “Do you want me to be there with you?”</p>
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<p>May stayed quiet, shifting the rest of the way so that she could lay her head on eir lap, looking off into the yard. Finally, she murmured, “We will need to talk about that at some point, Sarah and I. The pressure surrounding it is building.”</p>
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<p>This did not seem to be an open conversation, so ey nodded, settling into silence with eir partner.</p>
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<p>Sarah arrived an hour later, a quiet knock at the door accompanying the sensorium ping of her arrival.</p>
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<p>May had melted into a beanbag when they’d come back inside and was folding paper crane after paper crane from a bottomless stack of origami paper, so Ioan capped eir pen and slid eir project into a drawer of eir desk. The skunk studiously avoided eir gaze, the tightness of her expression showing anxiety and tears near at hand.</p>
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<p>May had melted into a beanbag when they’d come back inside and was folding paper crane after paper crane from a bottomless stack of origami paper, so Ioan capped eir pen and slid eir project into a drawer of eir desk. The skunk studiously avoided eir gaze, the tightness of her expression showing anxiety with tears near at hand.</p>
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<p>“Mx. Bălan?” the psychologist said, bowing. “Nice to meet you.”</p>
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<p>“And you, Ms. Genet.” Ey stood aside, gesturing toward the hall. “Please, come inside.”</p>
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<p>“Just Sarah is fine.” Smiling kindly to em, she nodded and stepped inside. She seemed to be taking the sight of their home in with some deeper understanding than ey could grasp. Ey wondered just how much she could tell by how clean or messy a place might be, and thanked past-Ioan for cleaning up quite well after breakfast. </p>
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<p>The skunk had finished her crane and levered herself out of her beanbag by the time they made it to the den. She was standing by the kitchen table, paws folded before her and ears perked up, looking attentive, though Ioan could still read the tiredness in her face.</p>
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<p>The skunk had finished her crane and levered herself out of her beanbag by the time they made it to the den. She was standing by the kitchen table, paws folded before her and ears perked up, looking polite and attentive, though Ioan could still read the exhaustion in her face.</p>
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<p>“May Then My Name Die With Me,” Sarah said, bowing once more. “A pleasure to meet you at last. Thank you for helping to organize this project.”</p>
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<p>May returned the bow, cleared her throat. “Thank you for going along with it. It will be a large one, and I– <em>we</em> appreciate all the help we can get.”</p>
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<p>They sat down around three sides of the dining table. The skunk surprised em by ensuring that ey, rather than her, sat across from the woman.</p>
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<p>At the word ‘sound’, a stricken look washed over the skunk’s face. She sat, rigid, in her chair for a moment before shaking her head, the movement jerky and uneven. “I…I will leave…I will leave Ioan to answer that.”</p>
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<p>Alarmed at the sudden change in her demeanor, Ioan looked between May and Sarah, the latter’s face set in an expression of concern.</p>
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<p>“May?” ey asked quietly</p>
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<p>She swallowed several times in a row, as she always seemed to do when tamping down a wave of emotion. “You must…you must forgive me. I have to…lay down or something.”</p>
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<p>She swallowed several times in a row, as she always seemed to do when holding back tears. “You must…you must forgive me. I have to…lay down. Or something.”</p>
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<p>The skunk stood and swayed, clutching at the edge of the table hard enough for claws to dent the wood.</p>
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<p>“Of course, May Then My Name. Would you like to meet another–“</p>
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<p>“Please discuss with Ioan,” she whispered, eyes clenched shut.</p>
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<p>Ioan forked quickly, the instance taking May by the elbow and guiding her carefully toward the bedroom, leaving #Tracker and Sarah to sit in stunned silence, watching them leave.</p>
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<p>Ioan forked quickly, the new instance taking May by the elbow and guiding her carefully toward the bedroom, leaving #Tracker and Sarah to sit in stunned silence, watching them leave.</p>
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<p>There was a brief sensorium message, a few quiet words from eir fork, and ey nodded. “She panicked for a moment but is just going to disengage for a bit. She says to carry on since you and I might as well get to know each other, too. She’ll reschedule for the near future.”</p>
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<p>“Alright,” Sarah said, still frowning. “I know I said just chat, but I don’t think I can just let that go. Can you explain what just happened?”</p>
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<p>Ey sighed, nodded, and rubbed eir palms against eir pants. “She will wind up getting overwhelmed by emotion sometimes, once every six months or so. It’ll take her out for a few days then pass. She just got through one not too long ago — I think she contacted you the day after she got back.”</p>
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<p>“So this is another bout?”</p>
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<p>“No, I don’t think so. She’s been kind of depressed over the last few days, which is different than the overwhelmed experience. She says it’s not uncommon for her to ‘crash’ after really big events. She slows down and has a hard time enjoying things, which I suspect is common with depression. But also, little things will trigger large emotional reactions.”</p>
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<p>Sarah nodded. “Alright, that makes sense, at least. ‘Trigger’ is probably the right word, there. That certainly looked like a trauma response. One she was trying very hard to control, of course, but I could almost see the adrenaline rush through her.”</p>
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<p>“No, I don’t think so. She’s been kind of depressed over the last few days, which is different than when she overflows. She says it’s not uncommon for her to ‘crash’ after really big events. She slows down and has a hard time enjoying things, which I suspect is common with depression. But also, little things will trigger large emotional reactions.”</p>
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<p>Sarah nodded. “That makes sense, at least. ‘Trigger’ is probably the right word, there. That certainly looked like a trauma response. One she was trying very hard to control, of course, but I could almost see the adrenaline rush through her.”</p>
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<p>“There’s been quite a bit of trauma of late, with her cocladists quitting.”</p>
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<p>“Very much so, yes.”</p>
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<p>Ey rubbed at eir eyes. They were burning, though whether from exhaustion or eir own emotions, ey couldn’t tell. “I have no clue what was the trigger there, though.”</p>
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<p>Sarah waved her hand. “She and I will talk that through, it’s alright. How are you doing, though?”</p>
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<p>“Me?” Ey frowned. Talking with a therapist had never been on the table for em through this whole endeavor, but ey was so wrapped up in it now… “I’m stressed. I’m tired and stressed and feeling like I’m just fumbling in the dark to find something that will keep May safe.”</p>
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<p>“I’d be surprised if you weren’t stressed, honestly,” she said. A blink, and she set up a cone of silence around them. “Aliens visit one of the LVs and both your clades get wrapped up in it almost immediately, and then her cocladists quit in the midst of all those overwhelming emotions. There’s a lot on the table here. Do you worry she won’t be safe?”</p>
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<p>Ioan shrugged helplessly. “I trust her when she says she’s not in any danger of anything like that and when she says she’s doing her best to stay grounded, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying.”</p>
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<p>Ioan shrugged helplessly. “I trust her when she says she’s not in any danger of anything like that and that she’s doing her best to stay grounded, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying.”</p>
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<p>“That’s part of being in a relationship, I think.”</p>
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<p>“I don’t do well with loss. That’s why I’m here, really. On the System, I mean,” ey said, then recounted eir and May’s previous conversations about the death of eir parents and how that factored into eir anxieties.</p>
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<p>The conversation wound around from there. Ey could tell that Sarah was guiding it gently, giving careful nudges toward positive topics when the heavier ones began to loom too near, but always keeping it productive, substantive. It was, ey realized, the sort of mirror image of what ey’d seen from much of May’s clade. Subtle influencing borne out of years of reading and responding to the actions, words, and expressions of another. Rather than aiming to control, however, Sarah seemed to be doing all she could to keep the control in eir hands, acting almost as a tool for em to use to examine emself, though far more human that that made it sound.</p>
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<p>It was refreshing, ey realized. Too many Odists over the last twenty years, perhaps.</p>
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<p>“Well,” Sarah said when they’d reached a lull in the conversation. “I should probably get going so that I can give you guys some space. I’ll be in touch though, okay? I’ll make sure to catch up with May Then My Name when she’s feeling a bit better.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded gratefully. “Thank you. This has been good for me, as well, so hopefully we can have the chance to talk again, too.”</p>
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<p>“Of course. Some of my appointments with her will involve you as well, but I’m also happy working with just you, too. Scheduling is less of a constraint here on the System.” She hesitated before adding, “Though for that, I may keep a separate fork for privacy’s sake.”</p>
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<p>“Of course. Some of my appointments with her will involve you as well, but I’m also happy working with just you, too. Scheduling is certainly less of a constraint here on the System.” She hesitated before adding, “Though for that, I may keep a separate fork for privacy’s sake.”</p>
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<p>“Right, of course.” Ey stood when she did, walking with her down the hall to the door. “By the way, have you been in touch with True Name? The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream?”</p>
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<p>“Yes. She got in touch with me yesterday, and we have our own appointment scheduled. Why do you ask?”</p>
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<p>Ey hesitated a moment, unsure of whether to divulge the fact that In Dreams seemed to have decided not to connect the two. “I’m worried about her,” ey said eventually. “I just wanted to make sure she’s also working with someone.”</p>
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<p>Sarah turned in the entryway, looking at em searchingly. “You know, I was your cocladist’s partner’s therapist, phys-side. They all but forced me to read the <em>History</em>. From what I could tell, your relationship with True Name did not seem to be one that included you worrying about her.”</p>
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<p>“She’s changed a lot,” ey said, speaking slowly as ey tried to puzzle out eir growing empathy for the other skunk. “She’s been looking rough, lately, and even for someone I have a complicated relationship with, it’s tough to watch.”</p>
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<p>Sarah turned in the entryway, looking at em searchingly. “You know, back phys-side, I was your cocladist’s partner’s therapist, and we’ve stayed friends since uploading. They all but forced me to read the <em>History</em>. From what I could tell, your relationship with True Name did not seem to be one that included you worrying about her.”</p>
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<p>“She’s changed a lot,” ey said, speaking slowly as ey tried to puzzle out eir growing empathy for the other skunk, along with the fact that this was a thing that needed puzzling out. “She’s been looking rough, lately, and even for someone I have a complicated relationship with, it’s tough to watch.”</p>
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<p>“That I can understand. Does she look like May Then My Name? A furry?”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded.</p>
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<p>“That probably helps, too.” She shook her head. “Anyway, I should be going for real, now. I’ll be in touch to see about talking with you more soon, alright?”</p>
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<p>“Of course,” ey said, bowing. “Thanks again. I think I needed that more than I knew.”</p>
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<p>May and eir other instance were sitting, cross-legged on the bed, the skunk trying for the dozenth time to teach em how to fold a paper crane.</p>
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<p>Back in their room, May and eir other instance were sitting cross-legged on the bed, the skunk trying for the dozenth time to teach em how to fold a paper crane.</p>
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<p>Both looked up when ey entered and, though her cheeks still showed the marks of tears, ey was pleased to see May smiling.</p>
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<p>Eir fork quit and as ey let the memories of the last hour settle into place, ey climbed into bed to take eir spot.</p>
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<p>“I am sorry, my dear,” the skunk said, leaning forward to dot her nose against eirs. “Thank you for all of your help through that, both in here and out there.”</p>
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<p>Ey winced and laughed as the origami bird hit em in the face.</p>
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<p>“I will have you know that all of the messy ones are your doing, Mx. Ioan Bălan,” she said primly. “Mine are perfectly neat and orderly.”</p>
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<p>Still grinning, ey ruffled a hand through her headfur, tugging affectionately at an ear. “Right, right. Just like you.”</p>
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<p>She chirped and tilted her head toward where her ear had been tugged. “Did you have a good therapy session, my dear?”</p>
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<p>She chirped and tilted her head toward eir hand. “Did you have a good therapy session, my dear?”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. “I did. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was helpful. Sarah says she’ll be in touch to meet again soon.”</p>
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<p>“Alright. I will not apologize again, but I do still feel bad for how I acted.”</p>
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<p>“Shush, you’re fine. I think she, of all people, understands a reaction like that.” Ey picked up another square of paper from the stack and began trying to fold again. “But that’s enough talk of that for now. If you want dinner, you have to help me get at least one of these made.”</p>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-01-17</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-02-12</p>
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<p>He was thankful that him having been relatively quiet to the date meant that him staying quiet now was not out of the ordinary.</p>
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<p>During the first break of the morning, he retreated to the rest area rather than meeting with Stolon, requesting some distance to organize his thoughts.</p>
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<p>He skewed mildly positive and lay on his bed for a while, letting the quiet of the room in so that he could finally admit the idea for full consideration.</p>
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<p>The path leading up to it had been laid long before, he realized. It had been laid when he first learned about the concept of convergence. Or perhaps even before that. Perhaps it was something integral to him, something about what made him <em>him.</em> Some fundamental unhappiness with his life as it was. Not just the inability to see the stars, not just the feeling of being trapped, or whatever it was that had required the self-actualization of changing his name so many years ago.</p>
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<p>The path leading up to it had been laid long before, he realized. It had been laid when he first learned about the concept of convergence. Perhaps it was at the time of his first ineffable idea more than three weeks back, when he first granted consent to four alien races to board the LV. Or perhaps even before that. Perhaps it was something integral to him, something about what made him <em>him.</em> Some fundamental unhappiness with his life as it was. Not just the inability to see the stars, not just the feeling of being trapped, or whatever it was that had required the self-actualization of changing his name so many years ago.</p>
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<p><em>I am not who I used to be,</em> he had thought at the time. <em>I am no longer the me who uploaded. I am the me who had grown to recognize his own limitations. I am Tycho Brahe.</em></p>
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<p>That didn’t apply here; he was who he’d always been. This decision had been with him from birth.</p>
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<p>He left his bed, left the rest area and returned to the meeting, with no more answers than he’d entered with, only more confusion.</p>
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<p>“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night,” he finished, grinning. “That was the last thing I said to myself before uploading. It’ll be the last thing I’ll say before I leave Castor.”</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-02-05</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-02-12</p>
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