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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-08-02 20:15:19 -07:00
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writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/beats/03-no-way-1.html
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<p>I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.</p> <p>I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.</p>
<p>What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left Saint John&rsquo;s. She knew this fact, of course, we&rsquo;d talked about it before.</p> <p>What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left Saint John&rsquo;s. She knew this fact, of course, we&rsquo;d talked about it before.</p>
<p>What she did not know, however, was that I had left of my own accord. At some point along the way, she had picked up on the idea that perhaps I had been ushered out unwillingly. When pressed as to why, she said,</p> <p>What she did not know, however, was that I had left of my own accord. At some point along the way, she had picked up on the idea that perhaps I had been ushered out unwillingly. When pressed as to why, she said,</p>
<p>K&gt; Oh, I don&rsquo;t know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.</p> <p>5:31 PM Kay&gt; Oh, I don&rsquo;t know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.</p>
<p>My reply:</p> <p>My reply:</p>
<p>D&gt; Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.</p> <p>5:31 PM Dee&gt; Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.</p>
<p>This probably would have been the best time for me to broach the topic, but I can point to this spot definitively as where I chickened out. Instead, I continued,</p> <p>This probably would have been the best time for me to broach the topic, but I can point to this spot definitively as where I chickened out. Instead, I continued,</p>
<p>D&gt; What lead to that assessment? I&rsquo;m curious.</p> <p>5:33 PM Dee&gt; What lead to that assessment? I&rsquo;m curious.</p>
<p>K&gt; I&rsquo;m not sure. You&rsquo;re a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.</p> <p>5:33 PM Kay&gt; I&rsquo;m not sure. You&rsquo;re a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.</p>
<p>D&gt; I think I&rsquo;m just terrible at communicating.</p> <p>5:33 PM Dee&gt; I think I&rsquo;m just terrible at communicating.</p>
<p>K&gt; Also a possibility!</p> <p>5:33 PM Kay&gt; Also a possibility!</p>
<p>From there I explained much of what I had talked about earlier, about how I started to doubt my calling, rather than my faith or scriptures, and yet how my decision to leave had come suddenly enough to surprise even myself.</p> <p>From there I explained much of what I had talked about earlier, about how I started to doubt my calling, rather than my faith or scriptures, and yet how my decision to leave had come suddenly enough to surprise even myself.</p>
<p>Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the school itself.</p> <p>Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the school itself.</p>
<p><q class="comment">Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because I strove to reassure them that there were no hints of apostasy? Was it because they, on some level, agreed with me?<span class="attribution">This should be rewritten with Discernment taken into account</span></q></p> <p>!{Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?</p>
<p>Or was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?</p>
<p>Was I preempting them asking me to leave by leaving, myself?</p> <p>Was I preempting them asking me to leave by leaving, myself?</p>
<p>I don&rsquo;t know how I feel about this thought. I will pray on it, of course, but as much as the church is in service of God, I do not think that this is necessarily his domain.</p> <p>I don&rsquo;t know how I feel about this thought. I will pray on it, of course, but as much as the church is in service of God, I do not think that this is necessarily his domain.</p>
<p>Perhaps I should get in touch with the school, or maybe some of my old classmates.</p> <p>Perhaps I should get in touch with the school, or maybe some of my old classmates.</p>