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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2020-04-24 23:15:07 -07:00
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>Hit by a car again, not so lucky this time.</p>
<p>Like the guy who hit me said, at least -I'm- alright. Don't think I can afford to make MFF though</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-08-31 03:43:04</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>Omigosh bike's fixed @.@ For free, too. I was so thankful, that I bought a pair of glasses from the store, just to give them -some- money. :</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-09-01 03:11:19</p>
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<title>Zk | So.</title>
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<h1>Zk | So.</h1>
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<p>After getting hit by a car, I came down with the flu - and on a holiday weekend. NEAT. Probably made an ass of myself down in Denver, but I'm not sure. I don't remember much other than a break in the delirium where I was made to take benedryl.</p>
<p>I've been taking advantage of my 'convalescence' to re-cable the recumbent. I now have both breaks working. The rear derailleur works with a new cable, and the front works with a new shifter (they had a 7-speed shifter controlling three gears - might've screwed up the derailleur). The bike works now, which is good. All that's left, really, is to strengthen the frame properly</p>
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<title>Zk | Subway!</title>
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<h1>Zk | Subway!</h1>
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<p>You've done me wrong, Subway!</p>
<p>*Hörf</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-09-10 02:03:18</p>
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<title>Zk | Fffff.. damn musicians...</title>
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<h1>Zk | Fffff.. damn musicians...</h1>
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<p>Damnit. More delays on the major front. For those who don't know, I've been trying to switch from Music Education to Music Composition, so that I can, you know, not have to work in public schools. I've been working with Dr. Forest Greenough - taking composition lessons and working to get into the program - even though the composition professor and department head is Dr. Wohl. Forest seemed pretty confident that, when I submitted my composition portfolio a month and change ago that I would make it into the composition program with no problem, even if I wound up staying in school for an extra year taking just composition studio and an ensemble, while working 30-35 hours a week to pay for school.</p>
<p>Well, I met with Dr. Wohl today in order to see what all I could be doing. I was surprised to hear that, not only had he not seen my portfolio, but wasn't really interested in it. Rather, he said that, due to funding, the composition program was there in name only, and there weren't any students in that major (which is curious, since Elliott Fiedler just graduated with his composition degree in May). Well, okay. I can deal. Instead, I figured I'd just take composition lessons with Dr. Wohl, what with Forest being way too busy this semester to fit me in. $60/hr isn't that bad, and maybe I can keep taking the lessons after I graduate with my plain-jane BA in music, since it's not done through the university. After getting all this sorted out, I headed back to the music building.</p>
<p>While there, I ran into Forest and told him about what happened. He was shocked - to his knowledge, the composition program was still there, and I <em>should</em> be in it. Apparently, my portfolio disappeared and the head of the program decided that, while I'd still learn composition, I wouldn't get the degree, and that I'd be paying him directly out of pocket with money that may or may not be taxable. Huh. Strange. Both Forest and I were rushing to get somewhere else, so we didn't discuss that in full, so I'm waiting on a reply to a lengthly email I sent him to see what all I should do. I'd really rather feel much better going through the university - not only would the degree help with several schools with MA programs in composition (I've been told that some just see a BA-Music as a BA-Music, but I'm not sure), but I'd really rather be able to see where my money's going. Not to mention the fact that that would let me stay in choir for a while longer :o</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-09-11 21:38:26</p>
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<title>Zk | The saga continues...</title>
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<h1>Zk | The saga continues...</h1>
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<p>Excerpts from Forest's reply to my email:
<blockquote>
[...]I was/am just as miffed at what you said. The fact is, we do have
a composition degree here. If we as a committee accept you as a composition
major, then you can be one.[...]</p>
<p>I am not sure what Dr. Wohl is saying exactly, and I don't want to be
unprofessional, so I will continue to help you figure this out. I put your
portfolio in his box over a month ago, and sent an email to him about this (as
well as Dr. Queen) with the intent on getting you approved to be a composition
major. We have already done this for one other student, and you are the
perfect candidate for this as well. Aargh!</p>
<p>As far as whether or not you should graduate with the BA, that is a tough
call. There is a lot to be said to just getting done, but it really comes
down to your portfolio. Do you feel your portfolio is strong enough to get
into a graduate program? I would say the title of your degree is secondary to
the strength of your portfolio, depending on where you want to go. Some of
the more "old school" programs back east might not agree with this, but then
again some of those teachers are still writing serial "music." Last time I
checked it wasn't 1950 anymore. You could also make the case for staying in
school to beef up your portfolio, as music school is the ideal laboratory for
a composer--where else do you have so many musicians at your fingertips
willing to play new music? Besides, you should still be experimenting to a
fairly large degree right now, until you better develop your personal "voice."
This is the place to do that.</p>
<p>I will investigate further and have an answer for you. This is aggrevating
though. In the meantime decide if you really want to try and get the comp
degree and if you do, we can make it happen.
</blockquote>
What do you all think? I'm now quite torn.. I'd really <em>like</em> to stick around for a bit longer and, as Forest said, have the resource of the music department to play with, as well as have that extra assurance of 'Composition' on my diploma for some schools. He does have a point about Just Getting Done, though.. Hmm</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-09-12 22:39:38</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>Grf. Work asplode. Oh well.. Cute Overload <a href="http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2007/09/secret-mid-pile.html">keeps me sane.&lt;/a</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>Weekend at Pingree. Fucking tired.</p>
<p>So. Much. Singing.</p>
<p>EDIT: also, <a href="http://shalosh.dyndns.org/~scottm/">tell me what you think</a> - it's for a composition contest</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-09-16 02:16:38</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p><a href="http://www.oraclecycleworks.com/index.html">New dream bike</a>. It's like an HPVelo Street machine, but with more for the price.</p>
<p>Now I just need $3500, a the rate the dollar's going</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-09-18 02:39:49</p>
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<p>I have ten days to write a paper for my 20th Century Fiction class. As I'm sure I've bitched to some before, this class is much worse the second time around: my teacher started out by treating us all like preschoolers (lower level class ftw), but now he's settled into a comfortable mix of condescension and reading from the book nervously. His ideas are rote, and there is NO room for taking any non-textbook ideas into account. I've given up trying to be intelligent to get my participation points, and instead just define everyday words that he asks about.</p>
<p>So for the paper, I figured I'd get all snarky. I'm thinking:<p align="center">On the Dichotomy between Chaos and Order: a Discordian Look at Yevgeny Zamyatin's <em>We</em>&lt;/p</p>
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<title>Zk | Maybe that double-shot earlier wasn't a good idea..</title>
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<h1>Zk | Maybe that double-shot earlier wasn't a good idea..</h1>
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<p>Random inspiration to put together a short (1'20") soundtrack sample, in case it ever comes up (and I sure hope it does). Very rough draft at the moment - there's some timing issues that need working out, and I'm not too happy with the fade-out. The sound rendering is the best Kontakt can do; which is, to say, terrible. I'll stick it in GigaStudio3 once I figure out how to get the sampler computer working at school.</p>
<p><a href="http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/CafeMuller-snddraft.mov">7.5MB .MOV file&lt;/a</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-09-20 09:46:51</p>
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<p>I guess I should've explained when I posted it, but that video does have an intended meaning (it's in the 70s, which means it's Modern). The setting is supposed to be a cafe, but it comes off more as a cafeteria in a mental hospital. The whole thing's half an hour long or so, and is made up of different scenes involving two patients, a doctor, and a mincing visitor in high heels and a red fright wig. I think the story's supposed to be mostly about the visitor and her own descent into madness (maybe she's a new patient?).</p>
<p>Anyway, that scene that I posted is about behavioral modification: The psychologist is trying to modify the couple's behavior into a more standard (read: socially acceptable) model, i.e.: kissing and such, but the couple keeps going back to clinging to each other. In the end, instead of learning the new behavior, the learn the process of modification, which, I'm sure, happens more often than people would like to say</p>
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<title>Zk | Before I go attack ze kitchons..</title>
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<h1>Zk | Before I go attack ze kitchons..</h1>
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<p>A little update! Had my first comp. lesson with Dr. Wohl on Friday. He's a very smart man, and an excellent composer (I showed him that <a href="http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/CafeMuller-snddraft.mov">stupid little video</a> I made, and he made up his own soundtrack on the spot by playing a very broken/modal ragtime piece for it. Awesome). Got a few homework assignments to be working on, too. That said, I'm feeling even worse about paying him large amounts of money under the table than before, and even had a talk with Forest about what to do, so later this week, I'm going to print out that portfolio again and bring it straight to Dr. Queen, Dr. Wohl's supervisor, in order to skip this roadblock completely. We'll see how that goes.</p>
<p>In other news, after a week of preparing and a weekend of cooking, I catered the benefit concert once more last night. So. Much. Food. G'damn. Also once more, all that's left is a few of the vegan items - quinoa stuffed tomatoes, in this case - for me to munch on over the next few days. I'd definitely call it a success. Totally spaced my camera in the rush to get stuff over there, so I don't actually have any pictures of the setup. Fuckfuckfuck. Oh well ;.;</p>
<p>Now I get to clean D</p>
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<title>Zk | Did you know...</title>
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<h1>Zk | Did you know...</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/1449699801/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1431/1449699801_c55d48635c_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/1449699801/">Did you know...</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>...that I get bored and creative when I can't sleep?<br/><br/>Look! It's a ferret!&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<title>Zk | Hahaha</title>
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<h1>Zk | Hahaha</h1>
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<p>See? This is what happens when you let ferrets get uppity and don't put them in their place: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQQo0gfBHq0">they get all up in your stuff.&lt;/a</p>
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<title>Zk | Note to self, comp homework for friday.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Note to self, comp homework for friday.</h1>
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<p>So set its Sun in Thee
What Day be dark to me —
What Distance — far —
So I the Ships may see
That touch — how seldomly —
Thy Shore?</p>
<p>--Emily Dickenson</p>
<p>Piano, voice; two modes: C dorian (do re me fa so la te), C double harmonic (do ra mi fa so le ti); triads and sevenths (no ninths), some rhythmic figure - exploring cadence points</p>
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<title>Zk | Hmm, interesting!</title>
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<h1>Zk | Hmm, interesting!</h1>
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<details text="Stolen from Andreal."><summary>Stolen from Andreal.</summary>These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users (as of today).
- Bold what you have read
- Italicize what you started but couldn't finish
- Strike through what you couldn't stand.
- Underline ones you own but haven't read yet.
Jonathan Strange &amp; Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
<strong>Catch-22</strong>
<strong>One Hundred Years of Solitude</strong>
Wuthering Heights
<em>The Silmarillion</em>
Life of Pi
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
<em>Guns, Germs, and Steel</em>
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
<em>The Kite Runner</em>
<em>Mrs. Dalloway</em>
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West D: (un peu)
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
<strong>Brave New World</strong>
<strong>The Fountainhead</strong>
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
<strong>Anansi Boys</strong>
<strong>The Once and Future King</strong>
<strong>The Grapes of Wrath</strong>
<em>The Poisonwood Bible</em>
1984
Angels &amp; Demons D:D:D:
The Inferno
<em>The Satanic Verses</em> D:
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
<strong>One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest</strong>
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
<strong>the curious incident of the dog in the night-time</strong>
<strong>Dune</strong>
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States : 1492-present
<strong>Cryptonomicon</strong>
<strong>Neverwhere</strong>
A Confederacy of Dunces
<em>A Short History of Nearly Everything</em>
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
<strong>Slaughterhouse-five</strong>
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots &amp; Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation D:
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
<strong>The Catcher in the Rye</strong>
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything D:
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
<strong>The Aeneid</strong>
<strong>Watership Down</strong>
<em>Gravity's Rainbow</em>
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers
Personally, I can't see why some of these are on there. I put frowny faces after 'em :D:D:D:D:D
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<title>Zk | Selling stuff.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Selling stuff.</h1>
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<p>Matt's financial trouble again. Buy shit.</p>
<p><em>Locally</em>
- Saunders/LPL (Omega) c6700 Dichroic color/b&amp;w enlarger (mint condition) and some darkroom equipment.
- 'Vintage' guitar starter setup - late 70s/early 80s Hohner Telecaster clone (good condition), Hohner Contessa amp (good condition, some cosmetic stuff, fucking huge), Ibanez PT-9 Phaser pedal
- Violin - Stradivarius copy, two bows (good condition, one bow needs to be rehaired)
- Selmer/Bundy II alto saxaphone (good condition)
- HP ScanJet 7400c scanner with negative/slide scanning (okay condition - needs to be cleaned if you're scanning negatives/slides)
- Furniture: couch that we never use, extensible kitchen table and chairs with a slight greenish tint
- MAPP gas torch setup - half can of gas, niceish torch, gloves, safety glasses (can't ship the gas)
- Brewing equipment - single stage kit (basically) for all-grain: brew bucket, wort kettle, mash/lauter tun (cooler with grain bag), sparge bucket, immersion chiller, possibly a keg or two.
- Phillips component CD burner - good cd player, okay cd burner. Needs music-formatted CD-Rs, and doesn't like CD-RWs or 'open' session CD-Rs. Believe it takes optical in, as well. Maybe.
- Cat, answers to Sera. Just kidding :3</p>
<p><em>Shippable</em>
- Computer equipment: video, sound, network cards, memory of various types, some processors (800mHz - 1.3 gHz), cases of various types (probably don't want to ship), a CRT monitor, Wacom Intuos tablet. Ask, I have lots more random crap.
- Artley student flute - needs to be repadded, but mechanically okay.
- Books - <s>Harry Potter 2-5</s>, <s>Redwall hardcover books (a good portion of 'em, at least)</s>
- <a href="http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&amp;item=150171655993">Rocket e-Book: text-files or html files, purchased or downloaded, can be viewed on backlit PDA type thing. Leather case, serial dock, charger. (very good condition)</a>
- <s>M:TG cards. All of them. 3000 or so. No, I will not sort them.</s>
- Niceish longboard trucks and wheels.
- Rollerblade <em>Vapor</em> rollerblades (quite nice, really) size 11-12</p>
<p>More later, I bet.. either reply, or email to <em>ranna at simla dot colostate dot edu</em> if you're interested</p>
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<h1>Zk | Homework for next week includes..</h1>
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<p>3 - Write a chromatic lamentation for strings where emphasis upon total melodic motion obliterates root feeling.</p>
<p>Musicians. I can't even make this stuff up 9.</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p><em>For the first <s>three</s> FIVE people that reply to me &amp; repost this challenge I will send you something most cool.</p>
<p>It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash.</p>
<p>What ever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or less. The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be the first three to reply to this &amp; post the same thing on your LJ-because it's fun to give people stuff.</em></p>
<p>WHO KNOWS WHAT IT WILL BE!&gt;!&gt;!&gt;!?!!?!?!L!2</p>
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<p>You know? There's some real shitheads in the world, both online and in real life. It confuses me how much everyone seems to like them or at least try to get into their pants.</p>
<p>Yes, this is about someone in particular. No, I'm not sharing. Gonna have to live with vague. It's none of you, though</p>
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<p>Reading <em>The Celestine Prophecy</em>, finally, after Steve recommended it.. uh.. four years ago. Five. Anyway, like Harry Potter, there's a bunch of good ideas crammed into poor writing. Still, I haven't lost interest, so it can't be <em>that</em> bad.</p>
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<h1>Zk | Also for sale...</h1>
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<p>Wacom Intuos (1) USB tablet, 6x8" and...</p>
<p>Burley Limbo SWB/CLWB OSS recumbent - refurbished.</p>
<p>I'd like to pay off debt sooner rather than later. I can always go into debt again later and get myself a better bike :</p>
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<h1>Zk | The Celestine Prophecy</h1>
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<p>Just finished it. I disagree with a few of the insights, and the novel comes off as a little trashy - like a dime-novel bought at the checkout counter. That said, there's also a good deal that I agree with, and I'm rather taken with the ideas on interpersonal relationships and how they work, and I guess I'd recommend it to a few folk. Ryan, you may want to check it out.. I'll probably give it to John Wright to read, too.</p>
<p>Next: non-fiction (?)
<em>God is a Verb: Kabbalah and the Practice of Mystical Judaism</em> - Rabbi David A. Cooper.
<em>78 Degrees of Wisdom: A Book of Tarot</em> - Rachel Pollack
<em>The Book of Thoth</em> - Aleister Crowley.</p>
<p>Armchair mystic :o/ It.. sorta makes sense in the terms of the First Insight, though. At least I'm getting back into it.</p>
<p><em>Me too. Heh heh heh.&lt;/em</p>
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<p>Floe's fault. Did a reading. It indicated GREAT SUCCESS for to better the Matt. As long has he does some stuff.</p>
<p><span class="tag">D</span> <span class="tag">D</span></p>
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<title>Zk | The keyboard sends a toggle event bleep bleep bloop.</title>
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<h1>Zk | The keyboard sends a toggle event bleep bleep bloop.</h1>
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<p>Once I get some stuff sold off, I think my first purchase is going to be stuff for a file server. Not only am I running out of space on my own computer, but I fear for the health of my drives, considering how old and well-used they are. This way I can keep work stuff, compositions, music, and so on nice and safe :3</p>
<details text="Bleep bleep bloop bleep"><summary>Bleep bleep bloop bleep</summary>Liiiiiist.
Case: got it already, taken from Ryan c.c Thermaltake XaserIII (pronounced: [ˈoʊvə˞ˌkɪl]). Ah well. The reason I'm using it is that it has seven fucking fans, most of which hook into the PSU fairly directly, which seems like a safe bet to me. Gamer's case. Effin' huge.
<a href="http://www.newegg.com/product/product.asp?item=N82E16813131214">Board</a>: ASUS μATX / AM2 socket / DVI and VGA out / 6xUSB 2.0 / 10/100/1000 MBps ethernet / DDR2 800 max 8GB / RAID 0/1/5/10/JBOD
<a href="http://www.newegg.com/product/product.asp?item=N82E16819103197">Processor</a>: AMD Sempron LE-1100 Sparta 1.9GHz / 256K cache
<a href="http://www.newegg.com/product/product.asp?item=N82E16820211062">Memory</a>: A-Data 1GB 240-Pin DDR2 800 SDRAM
<a href="http://www.newegg.com/product/product.asp?item=N82E16822148136">Drives</a>: Seagate Barracuda 40GB / I dunno / IDE (already have it); 2xSeagate Barracuda 500GB / 7200 RPM / SATA 3.0 GB/s
Price: $385.95 (newegg)
Setup: Debian Etch 64 (or whatever is newest) on the 40GB drive running all sorts of network daemons (Samba, Apache, SSHd, etc.) bridging network to wired/wireless router. /home mounted on RAID-1 array (pure mirroring, very safe) of the two 500GB disks. This means 500GB total. I can add another RAID-1 array with another couple of hyoooge disks at some later point if I need (if I get really into soundtrack stuff, or if I have lots of samples, or if I become independently wealthy).
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<title>Zk | HAY PEOPLE WITH MONEY :D:D:D</title>
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<h1>Zk | HAY PEOPLE WITH MONEY :D:D:D</h1>
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<p>Buy stuuuuuuuff.</p>
<p><a href="http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&amp;item=150171700046">Art materials grab bag</a>
<a href="http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&amp;item=150171655993">NuvoMedia Rocket eBook</a>
<a href="http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&amp;item=150171695737">Artley Student Flute</a>
<a href="http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&amp;item=150171697670"><s>Olympus 3.3MP digital camera</s></a></p>
<p>Also still available:
Photo enlarger, computer parts, guitar/amp/pedal, brewery equipment.. well, everything that was on that <a href="http://drab-makyo.livejournal.com/295874.html">last post</a> that's not crossed out</p>
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<p>People whom I owe: if I know your address, I'm mailing your shite tomorrow. If I don't know your address, I needs it :3 Email makyo <em>at</em> drab <em>dash</em> makyo <em>dot</em> com.</p>
<p>In other news, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/1570669149/" title="Photo Sharing"><img alt="Material Wealth 1" height="160" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2198/1570669149_bcaf4d2ae2_m.jpg" width="240"/>&lt;/a</p>
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<h1>Zk | Disenchanted</h1>
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<p>Scruff, you're not getting your package for a bit, even though I've got it all packed up. Our postal service just doesn't seem to want me to ship it. Aren't they great</p>
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<h1>Zk | Thesis idea</h1>
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<details text="Thesis Idea"><summary>Thesis Idea</summary>The Music of the Spheres: Mysticism and Music Through the Ages.
Definitions
- Spiritualities
-- Minor
-- Major
-- Dominant
- Mysticism
- Secular/National mysticism
- Musical mysticism
Early Music
- Asia
- Mid-east?
- Africa?
- N. America
Early Majority Spiritualities
- Greek
- Judaism
- Hinduism?
- East Asian?
Rise of Dominant Spiritualities
- Judaism
- Christianity
-- Catholicism
-- After the Schism
- Asia? Pwease?
Changes in the Enlightenment
- Some crap here
The Romantic Era Resurgence
- Keats Keats Keats Keats Keats some crap here
Secular Mysticism into the 20th Century
- Primitivism
- Some crap here
- Nationalism/Patriotism
20th Century Revivals
- Christian
- Acceptance of mysticism (read: the 60s and 70s)
- Drugs and clubs (Erowid = primary sources :3)
Into the 21st Century
- Ideas from mysticism into therapy
- Some crap here.
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<p><a href="http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/10/17/breakfast-cat-is-nutritious-breakfast/">Not-quite-BreakfastFox</a></p>
<p>Also hasdofneioaldkhgtoiehf money :</p>
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<title>Zk | Coq-au-vin</title>
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<h1>Zk | Coq-au-vin</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/1607132825/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2152/1607132825_705746c9b1_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/1607132825/">Coq-au-vin - 14</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>For Floe :3 The whole thing's documented here: http://flickr.com/photos/ranna/tags/coqauvin/ I can't really order search results, but everything's numbered.</p>
<p>OMIGOSH Ryan and Merry: dinner for the ceremony? Totally easy to make in bulk :3&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<h1>Zk | Pendants</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/1641344457/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2118/1641344457_da54542fb8_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/1641344457/">IMG_3667</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>Whatcha think, Ryan, Merry? Should I sew these into a stole and carry a staff? I could be quite Popely :D&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<title>Zk | I've never wanted to drop out of college..</title>
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<h1>Zk | I've never wanted to drop out of college..</h1>
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<p>..until now.</p>
<p>This shit's fucked, yo. Apparently, I'm required to, for all intents and purposes, minor in a 'coherent field' in order to graduate with a BA in music. Of course, I was never told this, because I was too busy trying to get into a major that "doesn't exist anymore, except on paper", but will, apparently, be starting up the semester after I planned on graduating, and my advisor "doesn't know what it takes to get a music degree."</p>
<p>Fuck you, CSU - fuck you, advising system. Go drown yourself in a vat of jaundiced baby shit.</p>
<p>Suggestions are welcome, but here are some options:</p>
<ul>
<li>Transfer to Metro, move, and get a generic teaching licensure and/or music degree.</li>
<li>Stay at CSU with as full a class load as possible to graduate with BA as soon as possible</li>
<li>Stay at CSU and just get the fucking composition degree, doing my level best to get Dr. Wohl fired.</li>
<li>Drop out and work in a <s>call center</s> <s>Furry Depot</s> steady job until I can afford to do what I want to complete my education.</li>
</ul>
<p>BUTWAIT!!!!!
<div style="width: 320px; border: 1px solid gray; padding: 6px; font: normal 12px sans-serif; color: black; background-color: white;"><b style="color: black; font-size: 20px; display: block; margin-bottom: 8px;">You paid attention during 100% of high school!</b> <div style="width: 200px; background: white; border: 1px solid black; text-align: left;"><div style="width: 100%; background: red; font-size: 8px; line-height: 8px;"> </div></div><p style="margin: 10px; border: none; background: white; color: black;">85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!<br/><br/><b><a href="http://www.gotoquiz.com/do_you_deserve_your_high_school_diploma" style="color: blue;">Do you deserve your high school diploma?</a><br/><a href="http://www.gotoquiz.com/" style="color: blue;">Create a Quiz</a></b></p>&lt;/div</p>
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<title>Zk | The situation as of now:</title>
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<h1>Zk | The situation as of now:</h1>
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<p>My choices are: stay in school for a little while longer, or drop out and get disowned.</p>
<p>Looks like I'll be in school for a while longer. :3 Going to do my level best to force Dr. Wohl to make my lessons count next semester so that I can get a head start on that.</p>
<p>Naptime now, Korea soon</p>
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<p>To all those to whom I promised constant internet access while I was in Korea, I'm sorry</p>
<p>I lied.</p>
<p>Only half the rooms in the hotel are set up correctly, and they are the first rooms to go. I'm stuck paying 500 Won for 20 minutes in order to use the internets on some random computer. Anyway, can't do my homework, so I'm just gonna get wasted on soju and leave notes of eLove to y'all 'cause I've got so little times (15 minutes to catch up on LJ, 5 minutes to write @.@) Hope you're all doing fabulously. I'm doing okay, 'cept that I got really sick with jet lag. Better now! :oP</p>
<p>See y'all around</p>
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<p>Alright. Kinda ready to come home.</p>
<p>Y'all are such nicer people than choir folk, honestly. Fff</p>
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<p>So, here's the deal. People are so dramatic in this choir, that I feel like I'm truly alone in a foreign country. If the person next to me isn't Korean, they're completely enveloped in a thin layer of drama that makes them nearly impossible to talk to. Dr. Kim is likely the most normal person here. Effin' awesome</p>
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<h1>Zk | Oh. Myeee. God.</h1>
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<p>This hotel has wireless :3:3:3:3:3:3</p>
<p>Still, can't fuckin' wait to get home c.</p>
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<p>Bahahaha. We just sang for what appeared to be a choral-only, Korean version of the Proms and gave three encores! @.@ Probably the most amazing performance we've given, fo' real. Home on Sunday, though, which I'm pleased about, even if it means 32 hours of travel. Folk whom I'm supposed to call, I'll call when I get to Denver</p>
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<p><a href="http://sungsanart.or.kr/prog/performence/_ftp/add_119191185132.jpg">Singing death squad?&lt;/a</p>
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<p>So.. my connection in Seoul got dropped, and now I'm in vancouver, but I'm sure I'm still connected to a MUCK or two. Sorry if.. er.. I'm confusing folk :D</p>
<p>Almost hooooooome</p>
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<p>Alright, finally uploaded a good portion of the pictures from Korea. Included: a meditating furry, choral shenanigans, and glamour shots.</p>
<p>http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/sets/72157602966231842</p>
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<title>Zk | Happy Fun Time with hard drives.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Happy Fun Time with hard drives.</h1>
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<p>I thought I'd finally filled up what appeared to be a 40GB hard drive last night until I realized that, for some reason, it was only 18GB. Hmm. I spent last night and most of the time I was awake today trying to get my computer set up the way I want it by scavenging parts I already have, and now I've got a 40GB drive where I need it, after much cursing and flailing. The problem is, now I'm stuck with a ghost drive in Explorer from when I was fiddling with backing stuff up off other drives before I wiped them. Disk Manager doesn't see it, and neither does Hardware Manager, which is as it should be, but Explorer thinks there's an X: drive that it just can't access. Puzzled over that when I got home from school, then crashed. Oh well. I'll just live with it for now.</p>
<p>Anyway, money's really starting to worry me. I need to get my card paid off ASAP, and having to pay for lessons is not helping &gt;:E Also, I fail at jet lag</p>
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<title>Zk | Huh, that's a new one.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Huh, that's a new one.</h1>
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<p>Woke up to <em>click</em> <em>click</em> <em>click!</em> <em>Click!</em> <em>CLICK!</em> ... <em>buzzbuzzbuzz</em> <em>WindowsErrorNoise</em></p>
<p>Hard drive crashed hard core. Like.. head + disk</p>
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<p>Do y'all have a specific formula you use to determine the price of commissions or prints? I'm looking to come up with something to price out pieces of music fairly.</p>
<p>In other news, I finished my portfolio to turn in tomorrow (thus me being awake at 3 AM). 16 pieces I like, and most of them I'm actually proud of. Some are on my <a href="http://furaffinity.net/user/ranna">FA account</a></p>
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<h1>Zk | Freak with a camera.</h1>
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<p><img alt="Korean Folk Village, Seoul, South Korea" src="http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/freakwithacamera.jpg"/>
<lj user="neccoloup"></lj>'s fault:</p>
<p>What is the name of your fursona?
Makyo</p>
<p>Where did the name of your Fursona come from?
Makyo are illusions that distract from the path to enlightenment. How dull.</p>
<p>What species is your fursona and why did you choose that species?
Arctic fox - because they lick rocks. And because they're quite fluffy.</p>
<p>What color is your fursona and why? Hair/fur/eyes/etc
...white? Blue in the summer months.</p>
<p>What is your fursona's personality and how does this compare to your irl personality?
Maybe a little freer with words than I am in person.. pretty similar other than that.</p>
<p>What is one item your fursona owns that is significant to you irl?
The suit. I want it. I would wear it.</p>
<p>What is one thing you think you would say to your fursona if you could meet?
"Hey, buddy, spare a dollar?"</p>
<p>What is one thing your fursona would say to you if you could meet?
"GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE." <small>(bonus points of you get it)</small></p>
<p>How has your fursona changed over the years?
Well, for one, he's only been around for a year or so. I guess he's grown up some.</p>
<p>How long have you had this fursona?
I dunno.. about a year, I guess. In a more general sense, since about 2000.</p>
<p>Would you like to be more like your fursona?
If only I could be so dapper</p>
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<h1>Zk | Manifesto - I</h1>
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<p><em>I blame Merry and Jane, but, oddly, not Maryjane.</em>
<details text="Blather"><summary>Blather</summary>
<em>History of the matter - One step closer to Ein Sof - Shock and Awe - Coming to terms with being a terrible person</em></p>
<p>I am not writing this for it to be believed, or even seen as a creed - how could I hold that power over anyone? - but simply to explain myself. Read this and take it into account, as only one man's manifesto.</p>
<p>When someone recently asked me about my religious beliefs because they were genuinely interested to know, I was at a loss. I think I answered a muttered excuse of being agnostic because God was none of my business.</p>
<p>Thinking back on it now, this answer is inadequate for a few reasons. For one, my reply was based off the set and setting: this was during a choir tour in South Korea, and not only was most of the choir Christian, but most of the stops on the tour were to Christian churches. Secondly, and due in part to the above, I'm sure our concepts of God differ in many ways. Lastly, born of my haste, I was not completely explicit when I said "none of my business."</p>
<p>Now that we are back home and I have time in the evenings to do as I please and study what I will, I will strive to come up with a more complete answer to this rather complex question.</p>
<p>A bit of history is certainly in order for this to be complete. I was born in the mid eighties to baby-boomer parents. Both my mother and father were raised by devoutly religious parents - my father was in the Lutheran church, I'm fairly sure, but I don't know about my mom - though both dropped their religion sometime during their high school or college years and neither have shown much if any inclination towards it since. Rather, both became very strict atheists later in life, my mother in particular. while my dad may have made a comment every now and then about the irrational nature of organized religion, my mom would often go into diatribes about how useless even personal religion was, or how absurd the concept of God is.</p>
<p>This was my spiritual diet for most of my early years, and it took hold fairly well. I remember visiting my paternal grandmother once when I was nine or so, and following her to church one Sunday. She said that it was a secret, that my dad didn't want her to bring me along. I was excited for the prospect until a few minutes into the sermon, when it all just became a dull blur to me - I didn't even get to go up to the front of the hall for communion, and I really, really wanted to try the crackers.</p>
<p>This was not a positive experience for me, to be sure, and so I wound my way through elementary school proudly calling myself an atheist, after my parents, just as I'm sure many others proudly proclaimed their Christianity or Judaism. It wasn't until middle school, really, that, with the development of my super-ego, I began to even contemplate anything of a spiritual nature. Of course, at that age and with that background, I lacked the vocabulary necessary to flesh out these contemplations, much less to voice them. Needless to say, my developing moral code was at odds with what I had been taught and had practiced up until that point.</p>
<p>That's not to say that I had been taught that murder is alright, or that I had been thieving from an early age. More subtle than that, I began to see my actions at the time and before that in elementary school in a new light. I began to see that my actions and words affected those around me, sometimes in profound ways. The most profound by far was when I ran away from my father.</p>
<p>Hoping to produce another engineer just like himself and my mother (and we see how far that got), he put a very large emphasis on doing well in school, particularly in math and science. In sixth grade, I moved down to live with him instead of my mom, making the hour's drive to stay with her every other weekend in a reversal of the previous schedule. In the first quarter of my seventh grade year, however, when I receieved my first 'F' on a midterm report card, I panicked and left home before he got back from work, leaving a shattered cosmetics mirror on the table along with the report card, took the quarters in the change jar, and rode my bike to the Wal-Mart nearby. It was October. I was eleven.</p>
<p>While I shivered and waited for the ideas to come to me behind the dumpsters and A/C units of the Wal-Mart, I reasoned with the screaming of my fledgling conscience. The broken mirror stood for my broken trust in my dad - I did not think that he would not get irrationally angry with me because of my grades. Further, my running away was to be an escape from all of those things and a return to the safety of my own mind and plans. I would ride the bus up to Boulder, where my mom lived, and plan the next step of my escape to safety.</p>
<p>In reality, the broken mirror and flight from home were both symbolic more of my slowly shattering world-view as center of my own universe than some trust related issue. Or, if they were related to trust, than it was the trust I had previously placed in my own childlike infallibility. This was subconsciously hammered in on that cold night at the bus station and the following several days.</p>
<p>My mom found me the next morning outside Waldenbooks - she knew me so well - and the rest of the day was filled with tears on everyone's behalf. Hours were spent on the phone with my dad as he went through my room and tried to sort out what had gone wrong in the situation. The answers I gave were half-truths and evasive comments skirting the issues really at hand, and even some outright lies. The problem I had was a conflict in myself and no words to describe it. I fell, of course, to blame, and claimed that my dad spent too much time at the bar with my step-mom (the bartender). This was a legitimate concern to my parents, though I cherished the time alone, so I used it to escape from the consequences of my actions.</p>
<p>This all led to me moving back in with my mom to complete my public schooling. This helped, perhaps in ways other than intended: not only was my mom a little more free with me than my dad had been, but Boulder was much more constructive to spiritual growth than Lakewood by far. It was the first sgtep in a long and ongoing journey to figure out my place in the world and finding meaning with this life I've found in my possession.</p>
<p>&lt;/details</p>
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<h1>Zk | Omigoshfull.</h1>
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<p>That was a lot of french food. Tartiflette (I made it :3), escargots, haricots avec des amande, gateaux aux amande, beignets, Perrier, Orangina, vichyssoises, pain aux chocolat..</p>
<p>Also, we're on CSU's <a href="http://welcome.colostate.edu">front page</a> for the moment, <a href="http://today.colostate.edu/index.asp?url=display_story&amp;story_id=1003326">here</a> for when that gets taken down. They even used one of my pictures :o</p>
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<h1>Zk | Manifesto - II</h1>
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<details text="Blather again!"><summary>Blather again!</summary>
<em>Common ground - Morbid thoughts - The first taste - Limited application - Take it... - ...and run with it</em>
I've always been into science fiction, but this was about the time that I started to get into fantasy as well. If you've talked about books with me at all, you'll know that, despite having read a good many others, a few books in particular start coming back again and again after I've read them. Some noteables being Garth Nix's <em>Abhorsen</em> trilogy, Brian Jacques <em>Redwall</em> series, and C. S. Lewis' <em>Chronicles of Narnia</em>.
If I were to describe these books as all having the common themes of death, morality, and growth of character, one is not likely to be surprised. However, when all of these common themes begin to expand into other areas of my life, they cease to become just themes and start to become an active interest. These themes began to show in the books I read, the music I'd listen too, the interactions I had, and, most importantly, the silent thoughts I harbored.
I've heard that this stage of life is the time when, for the first time, mortality becomes truly evident and important to the growing mind. If so, then I was left not only with thoughts of mortality, but beyond, and into morbidity. Always affectionate, I would no longer lean on my mother, or hug her for any extended length - if I could feel or hear her heartbeat - I'd refuse to, in most situations. It wasn't that I was particularly 'grossed out' or anything, but more that her mortality was made evident in these situations. While death was a comfortable subject for me in my fantasy worlds at the time, when it related to my mother, I became frightened - particularly at the vividness of my own thoughts. I would start in fearing for her safety, then slip into picturing what I would do if she died, and finally get stuck in a gruesome loop of scenes of gore or emotional trauma resulting from her death.
Here is where the early hopes and dreams would come into conflict with my upbringing: my fears, plainly, were death and the emotions involved; my hopes were that it wouldn't happen, or, should it, it would be okay, because the person would live on in some sort of after life. My spiritual upbringing, on the other hand, left no place for the latter, and, while the former was brought up, it was rarely discussed in depth.
The period in my life with which this coincided was my first discovery of the internet. Though I'm currently nicely addicted to the 'net, I didn't see much potential in it for myself. At the beginning, when my mom's house was still on AOL and my dad's was on Prodigy, I saw it as little more than a library, full of more information than I really needed and far too difficult to search. However, after reading, for the second time, Herman Hesse's <em>Siddhartha</em>, something prompted me to look up Buddhism.
My experience with religion so far had been limited to vague ideas that Christians and Jews were just people with funny ideas and enhanced senses of guilt and punishment. Buddhism was, then, "in my mouth as sweet as honey." (Ezk. 3:3) Here was a religion that really seemed to appeal to me. Contained within it, according to my knowledge, was not only something to do with my free time - meditate - but an assurance of reincarnation - of myself and my loved ones living again. In my mind's eye, I saw myself passing away, only to wake up, refreshed, as if from a bad dream, out of my former life.
That I could sum up Buddhism like that is clear evidence of my limited knowledge. Meditation was simply another way for me to draw attention to myself, however (one doesn't generally meditate in public places, as I did), and I conveniently overlooked the entirety of the rest of the religion. At that stage, Buddhism was a way out of death and into the spotlight for me. I could even be selective about the spotlight: I remember, after having told a friend of mine that I was Buddhist, adding that it was perhaps best if she didn't bring the topic up around my dad, as he "didn't need to know yet."
To be honest, I had based my entire knowledge of Buddhism off <em>Siddhartha</em> and the movie <em>Little Buddha</em>, along with a website or two and any knowledge drawn from my friends. It really wasn't until high-school that I was informed enough to form real opinions for myself about the religion: selectively snagging bits about reincarnation and Zen from random sources is not the way to gain intelligence, much less wisdom.
Having learned more about the religion, I can say that there is indeed a lot about it that I find amazing: their tradition is deep and rich, their stories beautiful, and I agree with a lot of what they have to teach. For instance, the Noble Eightfold Path is, I believe, a very robust and comprehensive way to look at life. I disagree, however, with the 'goal' of that path, of trying to eliminate suffering and escape into or through Nirvana. Rather, I look at it in a different way.
The Noble Eightfold Path is a system of eight elements divided into three groups. In the category of Wisdom, there is right (or ideal) view and right intention; in the category of ethical conduct, there is right speech, right action, and right livelihood; and in the category of mental discipline, there is right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. These are posited as a path leading to the cessation of suffering in life through attainment of Nirvana: the ultimate goal in life of obliterating the need to become again - to be reincarnated. Perhaps due to my prior self-conditioning, I disagree with this, or at least agree in a creative way.
To me, suffering is not something that I should escape from or avoid, but rather something that I feel I should embrace. It isn't enough that I learn from my suffering, for that relies too much on hindsight, but that I should incorporate that suffering into myself and cherish every bit of it every bit as much as I cherish pleasure. As a consequence, I think this redefines Nirvana from its previous escapism to a perfect synthesis of every part of life into oneself, sort of like raising life to a whole new level. Buddhism outlines the path to this goal in the eight parts of the noble path. By applying each of those parts to every aspect of lie in every instance, we learn the way towards this synthesis, essentially learning how to work with ourselves in this system.
Looking at Nirvana, seeing that change in definition instead of deletion, I feel that the meaning of "to become again" changes also. Whereas before it meant escaping from the cycle of reincarnation, I think that it now becomes an escape from the previous ignorance, from the 'lives' (read: instances of this life) before this one, by becoming something new built off this new synthesis. In this sense, one tastes this sense of Nirvana every time one consciously builds off what they were before. This changes the function of Nirvana from a goal and into a path.
These concepts still only touch on the very basics of such an old tradition as Buddhism, of course, but I feel that they represent the beginnings of an attempt to bring the ideas and foundations of constructive practices into my own life, also standing as an early attempt to consciously grow into a better person.
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<p>Hot capicola ham, this one's for you. \m/ (Would you read something written by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2042028579/">this freak!?</a>) (fixed timestamp)</p>
<details text="Return of the son of blather"><summary>Return of the son of blather</summary>
<em>First was the word... - Welcome to Sunny DEATH! - An it harm none... - MEAD and Symbols</em>
With this early focus on reincarnation as an extension of life, it's a wonder that I didn't move into other, more easily digestible spiritualities with a focus on the afterlife (I don't mean to say that Christianity is simple, far from it, but the language and culture barrier between myself and Buddhism is an obstacle), but my next "step" in my spiritual path was a lot more appealing to me than such things as the Trinity, the idea of sin, and the consequent repentance. To have a self guided faith means that things beyond your current development level are a little harder to take in on any intellectual level beyond blind faith.
Buddhism did not, obviously, take a firm hold on me after those early explorations and, as it often does with me, my interest in that specific application waned soon after. It wasn't until a few months later, some time around when high-school was getting near, that I found a new outlet for my spiritual needs. As before, this was brought on by a particularly influential book in my life that I read towards the end of my eighth grade year.
The fantasy genre is rife with magic of various sorts, and it was this, along with the ideas about death that helped me to get into and research earth based religions and paganism in it's various forms. In Garth Nix's <em>Sabriel</em>, these two ideas are melded together to form an engaging view of death as a place accessible by magicians and affected by sounds - something that particularly struck a chord with me, as this is when I first started to get into music. Even to this day, I still fantasize that I'll find a certain pitch or chord that will be particularly powerful over people - this may have been one of my early influences in composition, and has led to my exploration in the uses of the dominant sonority in unexpected or unresolved fashions, since it holds such sway over the western listener.
The more I thought about this description of Death as a place - a land of nine stages or 'levels' with the final stage leading to that final resting place of all souls - the less I was drawn to the idea of reincarnation and the more I started to accept death. I don't think that, at this point, I was mature enough to embrace death, or even stop fearing it. I had, however, matured enough to understand the finality of it, and to accept that as a truth in life, even as an every day part of it. When people die, they aren't coming back, not here, or at least not in a recognizable form, going by other traditions. This thought still terrified me, but not to the same extent as before.
The idea of magic, however, did intrigue me, so I wound up, once more, at the bookstore and on the internet looking up 'practical' references to that. This, of course, led me right to paganism, along with other magic- and earth-based spiritualities. Through my friend, co-explorer, and teacher Ryan, I learned more about these traditions than I would have with just the internet, however, and I have several memories of walking with him along ditches or through the 'mini-forest' and having nicely mystical experiences with the rich greenery, meandering streams, and climbing over dead foliage.
I took perhaps less from these religions than from Buddhism, but due to paganism being a less-mainstream religion (and, to be sure, I chose that in part as a sort of 'standard' rebellion from the main-stream religions), I feel that I did gain a broader perspective of what's out there, and a more open mind toward different things. A few things in particular stood out to me: at the beginning of my path through these 'earth-based traditions', I came across the Wiccan Rede which, paraphrased, states "as long as it harms none, do what you will," which I feel is a much more important statement than the Thelemic "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law." The first part of the phrase, "an it harm none," is a very important addition to such a phrase. If I were to keep one idea in my mind at all times, it would likely be that one - even focusing for on not only actions and words, but inaction and silence that cause harm is a very difficult and enlightening exercise. It was, for me, the beginnings of the sense of humility that I strive for and always fall short of (which may be in the definition of humility, granted).
My interest in magic hasn't waned, but it has changed a great deal over the years. Magic is, I believe, a whole lot more subtle than I believed when I first got myself into a more serious study of it. Perhaps it's the cynic in me, or the scientist inherited from my parents, but I don't think that the magic I thought of originally (think the movie <em>The Craft</em>) exists, or ever has in the Common Era except as some sort of technological wizardry (think the movie <em>The Gods Must be Crazy!</em>). Instead, the magic I think of is summed up in the acronym MEAD: Magic is Empowerment by Attention to Detail. Just think: were I to relax a certain few muscles in order to let blood flow from one place to another, half an hour of friction could lead to a new life being brought into the world. If I were to concentrate on the correct sequence of movements, I could certainly execute a cartwheel. Magic is the background of all that is around us, and it's that attention to detail that can make things seem magical, or at least not 'everyday'.
This is echoed in Richard Muller's <em>The Sins of Jesus</em>, in which Joseph explains to a young Jesus that it's not that there are no miracles anymore, but the miracles are all around, they just seem every day, such as children. I think this is an echoing of Jesus' own words, "Wicked is the generation that looks for signs." This is most of the concept behind Muller's book, and is certainly pertinent in my life, but will have to wait until the exploration of Judeo-Christian spirituality, the study of which encompasses more of my life than the rest of these minor vignettes, and, thus, draws on them, and will have to wait for its own section.
One final thing that I got out of paganism was the importance of symbols. Sigil magic was something that I toyed around with briefly, and I believe that the subconscious is an important tool to work with in this sense. Using active symbols such as sigils, or even Tarot or runes, is a powerful form of introspection. More subtly, however, passive symbols play an important part in a sociological sense: a cross - say the hematite crucifix pendant that I own - will not likely stop a bullet, draw lightning down to me, or enable me to walk on water, but it will influence the ideas of those around me, change their perceptions of who I am. The Christians my speak more openly to me about their faith or, as I've had happen, will speak as if I know everything about their faith that they do; while skeptics may look down on that aspect of me and question why I would wear it. Likewise, if I were to wear my flaming chalice pendant, a symbol unknown to a good portion of society, I'm likely to invite questions - I could even be accused of baiting the topic, of which I know I'm guilty. Honestly, I think that's the purpose behind most jewelry, which is why I will only wear a piece if I'm prepared to explain it. Then again, perhaps I'm putting too much meaning into an inanimate object, of which I'm also quite guilty.
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<p>Your package finally came! Thank you so much! Otters! And Chocolate! *flail</p>
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<p>Finally got Semagic again, so I don't do stupid shit like I did with the last post. Hopefully I remember to use it. Don't remember why I got rid of it last time.. I hope to finish this fairly soon, what with thanksgiving break - I feel that if I don't keep writing in large chunks like this, I'll lose interest. Must finish. I'm also toying with the idea of publishing, even if it's self-publishing, but I don't know that I'll be able to fill much space. If anyone's interested in writing something similar and going in for a published collection of spiritual manifesti or life stories in this mingled style, or if you just think this is a very, very bad idea (I promise I'll edit heavily), let me know. By the way, I'm disabling comments on these so that I have a chance to reply in a more constructive fashion should anyone have anything to say to them, not to discourage comments.</p>
<details text="Drivvel - A modern retelling of Blather (looooong)"><summary>Drivvel - A modern retelling of Blather (looooong)</summary>
<em>Other aspects of being - The terror of individuality - The spirituality of fiction - The beginnings of true creativity</em>
There's a long space of time after my initial intense exploration of paganism which is filled with a nebulous sense of spiritual growth not connected to any particular spiritual set. I attribute this to a general "opening of the mind" from the gaining of more concrete intelligence. My interests started to shift from their previous areas of simple pleasures of reading, playing outside, making slings out of kite string and the toes of socks into subtler, more complicated pleasures of the more in-depth learning of high-school. This is not to say that I enjoyed school - I considered dropping out at several points - but I did enjoy the act of gaining more knowledge, and in such diverse subjects. This, for me, was the beginning of learning to think within concrete systems, an idea that I'll certainly come back to later. These were, at first, the more obvious systems of grammars (I began in Latin my sophomore year, and began constructing my own language shortly afterward), history (learning to think and analyze historical data is something I attribute to my one history teacher in high-school, Dr. Carter), and biology (microbiology and biochemistry in particular - the latter was even my original major in college), not to mention music, which is a topic unto itself.
Such intellectual things were not the only changes going on during my life. From the end of eighth grade and into ninth, a few other changes, both subtle and dramatic, took place. Though I'd suspected for quite a while, my initial feelings of sexuality crystallized into a definitive sense of something out of the ordinary. Beginning as trouble understanding the idea of what was "attractive," I eventually settled on the label of homosexuality for what I felt, coming out to my mom sometime soon after middle school had ended. This also coincided with my growing infatuation with the internet, something which has, at points, gotten way out of hand. At one point, I was the moderator of an online forum on GovTeen.net with my then-boyfriend Danny, another teenager with similar interests living in New York.
At the same time, my mom and step-dad's marriage started to turn sour for various reasons. While my mom had taken my coming-out fairly well, my step-dad did not; at points during this continuing strife which lasted part-way into my freshman year, he forced me to come out to his children in a rather embarrassing fashion (he told my step-sister, and made my mom force me to come out to my step-brother), checked my email and found emailed replies from the forum I moderated including some very revealing information (the forum was one of many in a group entitled Puberty-101 - this should explain a good deal about the content), all while refusing to talk to me directly about such things. I harbored an intense dislike for him at this phase and I don't feel that I fully forgave him for all of what happened until much later in my life when I started to incorporate it into myself. Thus, I was very willing to let my mom use my orientation as the reason for breaking off the marriage, though that was only a small portion of the myriad of reasons for divorce. In honesty, I believe this was as high on my list of influences in my life as my previous flight from home, perhaps due to the similarities in how the situation turned out.
The divorce was finalized and we - my mom and I - were planning on moving out to a townhouse very close to my high-school in the next few days, and until then, my mom was sleeping on the couch in the family room with her two dogs Helen and Hank. My step-dad, perhaps with a belated riposte, came down the stairs to talk to her when, Helen, being out of control in the best of times, began barking and ran up, jumped on him, and, in short, punched him in the crotch with her paw. Humorous in hindsight, the event led to my mom and I having to move out of the house by that evening, while we were both only partially packed at the time. This was halfway through the first semester of my freshman year at Fairview and at the time, it was quite traumatic, particularly with it being a Sunday, meaning that I had to go to school the next day after this frenetic move.
While a good portion of this was going on, my wanderings of the internet led me into the furry fandom, a broad community of folk interested in anthropomorphic animals in various ways and to various levels. Generally an open-minded bunch, if a little dramatic, I fell right in with the ranks. I fit in quite well, being a young, gay male, and a good deal of my closest friends were made through this community, or, as in the case of Ryan, introduced to it. However, seeing as the majority of furs that I knew who were interested in anything spiritual, were interested in Native American or Asian mythology, both of which are rife with anthropomorphism, and the majority of furs in general were at least agnostic, if not militantly atheistic (I saw this echoed more clearly in the gay community later on, but that's later on), I kept my spiritual explorations separate from this aspect of myself, keeping all of my associations with other furs on a lighter level, and only letting loose on certain occasions, such as the move mentioned above.
This habit was likely built up out of a sort of spiritual downtime. That's not to say that my sense of spiritual self had waned, but rather that it had become tangible instead of based in words and ideas. One of the most unique experiences to come from this shift was the sense of individuality and how terrifying that can be. This was coupled with a budding sense of appreciation for humility, despite being a near-physical sensation for me. It began as a sense of how small I was in the grand scheme of things, which was made particularly evident to me by both mountains and clouds. Boulder, where I lived is right at the base of the Rocky Mountains and I grew up with those looming over me every day of my life. When my mom started to take me on hikes with her in Rocky Mountain National Park, though, I began to realize just how big the mountains were - and not just the mountains, but the entire world - compared to myself, and when I brought the entirety of the rest of space off earth into account, I was terrified at just how minuscule I was in comparison to everything else out there. This was emphasized whenever I'd look up at a partially cloudy day and see all the folds and corrugations in the clouds above, knowing that even they were likely larger than my entire high-school - a building large enough to house its 2,200 students and 200 faculty and staff in ten 'levels'.
It was a struggle for me to embrace this idea, and I would comfort myself with other near-physical mental wanderings, such as stretching out in bed during a windy night and imagining that the wind was my body - feeling myself flow in chaotic eddies over mountains and plains, buildings and open spaces. In a sense, not only was I making myself bigger, but I was trying to escape the confines of my body's limited range of motion, imagining the way that the wind is less of an object as a verb, as the air is not the wind, but rather the flow of air. Later in life, I'd discern this as a shallow form of a Kabbalistic exercise, a sort of synaesthetic experiences of Matt-ing. The beginning, as is said, of wisdom is awe.
One of the things that I would do when wind-ing would be to attempt to feel the others around me as a sort of empathy. A selfish empathy, of course: rather than actually attempting to feel for those around me, it'd be more accurate to say that I was feeling my interpretation of those around me rather than them as individuals. Individuality and uniqueness of perception was a concept that I'd struggled with often up until that point, and even continue to struggle with today. Seeing others as completely separate entities rather than projections from within myself is one of those tasks that sounds much simpler than it really is. Our day-to-day lives are lived from within ourselves, in a world where self and other are distinct, and interconnectedness is achieved only on the fragile and shallow level of our tacit agreement that everyone else is just a projection of ourselves onto animate objects. To actually live your life in a continuous sense of seeing others as true individuals with their own unique perspectives - both physical and interpreted - seems to me as having the paradoxical effect of creating a deeper sort of interconnectedness born out of true dialog between two separate beings instead of, as E. E. Cummings put it, "all talking's talking to onesself."
These were my thoughts at that time in my life, and my spirituality was the spirituality of fiction. In fiction, there are often deeper dialogs that ever happen in person due to the writer attempting to create characters outside of him or herself. This, combined with the fact that one of the goals of fiction is to provide a vehicle for ideas, no matter how fantastic, lead me into this incorporation of ideas from fiction into my own spirituality. The books I started reading began to have a more overt spiritual bend to them, and the ideas became more and more influential on some level or another throughout. The most readily apparent of these are Dan Simmons' novels, all of which contain some sort of spiritual or at least deeply intellectual basis. The <em>Hyperion Cantos</em>, in particular, proved to be an eloquent example of the importance of individuality, not only while one was still living, but after one died. Through the esoteric idea of The Void Which Binds, Simmons' offers a glimpse of what happens after death back on Earth (or 'back in Life' may be more appropriate in this sense); more specifically, the importance of the memories of the dead cherished by the living. This fit in nicely with my solidifying stance on death. We don't know what happens after, but we can be proactive about the subject while we're here, cherishing the lives and keeping alive the memories of those who have passed, incorporating their gifts to us all while moving forward in our own lives - that is, not getting caught up in the past and what can't be changed.
This burgeoning habit of looking deeper into creative works was likely one of the early influences into my own real creativity. I say real because, while I'd been creative in the past, it was always in the sense of following - singing in choir, playing in band, writing for class. Now, however, I began to apply that creativity into more of a leadership role, as in writing outside of class or composing my own music. In this, I was leaderless and totally without a teacher, which certainly shows in my writings and music from the time, of which little remains, Needless to say, I was all over the map in terms of style and application, and I don't think that any of it shows any sense of my personality. However, it <em>was</em> creativity and I was doing something positive, something which might last. What I lacked at the time wasn't just a teacher or solidified direction in my creations, but the appreciation of such - I didn't want a teacher, didn't think I needed one, something that would take a good deal more humility and a few really good teachers to appreciate, which didn't arrive until college.
I wonder if my continued attempts at creativity are a stab at immortality in the minds of others, just as Beethoven and Bach are immortal, and that, in turn, makes me wonder how to interpret that goal: is it selfish to want to live on and be remembered? It feels deep down inside that it is, after a fashion, but on a more intellectual level, it seems absurd not to want to do anything constructive, not to leave some lasting impression on the earth, with the time we're given. My thoughts and feelings on this and on music, however, are worth a chapter in their own right.
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<details text="Tee hee."><summary>Tee hee.</summary>
<em>Tee hee</em>
As a brief vignette, humor has always been important to me. It struck me, sometime in high-school, that there wasn't any 'real' humor in religion, though. There are plenty of edgy comedians that make fun of it and jokes abound, sure, but within each religion, there's very little to be had in the way of direct humor. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule: Unitarian-Universalists do tend to have a bit of a self-deprecating sense of humor (most of their jokes involve their reliance on committees, coffee pots, or copy machines), and I've seen some really subtle humor in traditional Jewish teachings. Rarely, however, are religions outright humorous.
Well, except those that are.
One of my friends on the internet - a furry, of course - introduced me to Discordianism sometime around late freshman year, and I thought that I had finally found a religion I could take seriously. Discordians have a creation myth, a curse to lay on others, a system to live by, apostles, and even a church sanctioned game. The catch, of course, is that none of this is intended to be taken seriously. Basing their deity on the minor goddess of Grecco-Roman mythology, Eris, the goddess of chaos, the Discordians have built up either one of the more elaborate jokes or one of the least elaborate religions in the modern era. Despite being popularized through not only their holy book, <em>The Principia Discordia - or How I Found Goddess and What I Did to Her When I Found Her</em>, but also the writings of Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea in the books of the <em>Illuminatus! Trilogy</em>, the number of serious Discordians is still quite small, and despite that, the church is very fractured, what with every member being a Pope and several of them running their own Cabals. So it was, with humor as a major factor in the religion, I declared myself a Discordian Episkopos and leader of my own 'Qabal', the Qabal of Ranna I.
Despite the fact that the majority of the religion is a joke, I did take several things from Discordianism worth mentioning. As mentioned, the deity in question, Eris, is the goddess of Chaos, and the Discordians do take their Chaos seriously, or as seriously as a Discordian takes anything. While most of that is for comedic purposes, there are good points about chaos that need to be brought up when talking about religion and spirituality. Several of these valid points stem from the Discordian's argument that most religions point to all the order in the world and proclaim it the work of some Deity or another, handily ignoring all the chaos inherent in nature. After reading the <em>Principia</em> as well as a few pertinent science fiction books and actively spending a while pondering Chaos in the world, not only am I inclined to agree, but I find that I'm more inclined toward that chaos than toward the order. That is not to say that order has no place: "To choose order over disorder, or disorder over order," the <em>Principia</em> states, "is to accept a trip composed of both the creative and the destructive. But to choose the creative over the destructive is an all-creative trip composed of both order and disorder. To accomplish this, one need only accept creative disorder along with, and equal to creative order, and also be willing to reject destructive order as an undesirable equal to destructive disorder." A fine point, I believe, and something I have integrated as an active principle in my life.
The Church of the Subgenius is Discordianism taken several steps further. What was at first humorous is now intentionally absurd, and where once was disorder is now active strife. The Book of the Subgenius is filled with clip-art, a veritable collage of propaganda posters, diagrams, nonsensical text, and repetitive references to their deity/prophet/ruler J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. Their rituals seem to consist of getting drunk and holding devivals, and possibly some waxing poetic about meteors bouncing around inside the Earth. I took nothing from the Subgenii, excepting perhaps a but of skepticism - their humor is simply over my head.
During my senior year in high-school, several friends and I, all interested in the more esoteric and unique traditions began to get together to discuss such traditions from serious to humorous (they had all heard of and participated in Discordianism), and, at one point, even became a school-sanctioned group, though we were only just barely tolerated - Prayer at the Pole, on the other hand, was, of course, embraced wholly, which certainly got on our nerves at the time. Once we started advertising, we did hold a few successful true meetings, the most memorable of which involved the various methods of divination in use around the world, or at least those allowable indoors. While Dan spun in circles until he fell down - his landing would determine the answer to a question - Toren read tarot, and I conducted crude numerological explorations with a book by Aleister Crowley. Mostly, however, we would just laugh a lot and talk about various odd things about this religion or that cult. I would post 'propaganda posters' consisting of images and phrases from the <em>Principia Discordia</em> and my own contrivance, stamp any poster I saw in the hall with a self-inking stamp which read "APOTHEOSIS APPROVED" (for which I got in trouble), and even hand out Pope cards. This was my attempt at adding creative chaos to an otherwise dreary school atmosphere: the prime example of order both constructive and destructive in the world.
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<p>Found my old binder of artlang stuff, figured I'd post a random snippet of poetry.</p>
<details text="Image, random garbage"><summary>Image, random garbage</summary>
<div align="right"><img src="http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/fetah-web.png"/></div>
<strong>Fetah</strong>
Loråtla fetah.
Anåt fetah.
Nu kufemotla fetah.
Nu haleputatla fetah
Nu haledatåtla fetah.
Nu halesupotla fetah.
Nu tuvårier fetah lubåtlam t'ner.
Nu kufori set fetah.
Nu mununier fetah esunotalam.
Nu jaruvåtier fetah unotalam -
Ato harahier t'n houka anåtalam.
Mununier fetah houkalam,
Konemier t'n houkalam,
Horanemier t'n houkalam,
Hatarier t'n houkalam.
Nuka jodoti fetah.
-- Ani Eskorinthev Anses
<strong>Love</strong>
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not jealous.
Love is not boastful.
Love is not arrogant.
Love is not rude.
Love is not insistent.
Love is not irritable.
Love is not resentful
Love does not rejoice in wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things,
It believes all things,
It hopes all things,
It endures all things.
Love never ends.
-- First Corinthians Thirteen (I wrote it out for some reason)
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<p>When one finds oneself in possession of Photoshop, one must do the obvious.
<details><summary>Read more...</summary>
<img src="http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/alleycat2sn-omgryan.png"/></p>
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<p>Was gonna right s'more tonight, but the Tree of Life broke my brain. Kabbalah's some heady shit, man.</p>
<p>EDIT: right? wtf. Write</p>
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<p>QOTD:
Eliahn yips, "You know, after studying both mathematics AND Latin, I should be able to practice magic and summon demons."</p>
<p>Anyway, since this is all turning out to be vaguely chronological, one would think that I could've easily started out with some sort of outline. It'd be easy to make, and it'd keep me on track. Of course, took me five.. installments to finally come up with some vague direction for this. Oh well. Here goes six of about eighteen.</p>
<details text="Wherein Matt is enlightened after laying down for three hours."><summary>Wherein Matt is enlightened after laying down for three hours.</summary>
<em>Sent away to learn - Who’ll be a witness?- Two texts, one word – The difference between you and me – Ecstatic meditations.</em>
In this country, and in this day and age, it’s nearly impossible to go without experiencing some form of Christianity. As was mentioned earlier, I did attend a church service at an early age and I remember my maternal grandmother showing me a cartoon about Jesus’ life, but, again, at the time, it meant little, if anything to me at the time. I was simply too young to incorporate those ideas into my life without any prior knowledge or expertise. Even into high school, my ideas on Christianity were limited to a vague sense of a few of the core ideas of the religion: only what my limited knowledge could offer.
My parents’ opinions on religion in general were mostly informed by their experiences with Christianity while growing up, and, as such, my sources for such knowledge were limited by my parents’ opinions. That is, until one summer at the away-from-home camp I went to.
My dad had been sent to something similar as a child: run by the YMCA, such camps were usually secluded up in the mountains or by some lake or another, providing a chance for kids to learn in a more natural context. He enjoyed the experiences so much that he wound up being a councilor at his camp, and decided to send me to one when I was old enough. I wound up at Camp Shady Brook, west of Salida, Colorado, first for one week then for two weeks at a time, running amok in the valley in which this camp was situated. There were the standards of archery and target practice with .22 rifles, swimming and canoeing in the pond, playing kickball, and massive, camp-wide games of capture the flag (the valley setup allowed a girls slope and a boys slope, and this, I remember being informed, was a precious opportunity to see the girl’s side). What I remember most, however, was talking with my councilor and my cabin-mates. It was, I believe, my second year there when I received a bible as a gift from my councilor.
Though I’m sure it was a form of witnessing, it was too subtle for my mind. I took the book thinking it might be a fun read and would make me into a good person because of it. I thought little of the societal implications of Christianity at the time, much less the religious factor of it, and I was consequently disappointed when I found it so difficult to read and get through the KJV’s wording.
Having put the bible down and peeked at it only to verify one or two quotes that I’d heard over the years, I thought of it rarely, at one point having had to take it back from my step-mom after forgetting that she had borrowed it. It was my budding sexuality that eventually brought it into relevance again, and I struggled to read it once or twice in middle and early high school with no luck, basing my knowledge instead on commentaries on relevant verses I found on the internet.
The ideas that I knew were contained in this very difficult to read piece of literature did seem worthy of investigation. ‘Love thy neighbor’ is almost cliché in this society, but the first time I heard “love your enemy as you love your neighbor,” I felt that there might be some portions of this book worth reading. It wasn’t the bible, however, that was to solidify this for me.
Sometime in my junior or senior year of high school, I came across a book called <em>The Sins of Jesus</em> by Richard Muller somewhere online. I’m not sure who recommended it to me or where I saw it, but the idea intrigued me: after my recent disillusionment with the concept of magic in paganism, I felt that a view of Jesus without the added baggage of miracles would be an interesting way to learn more about the religion; the fact that the book was a novel just made it all the more appealing to me, even if I did feel the need to put a blank cover on it to keep from offending others while reading it in public.
“Had I read this book as a teenager, I might not have become an atheist,” reads a blurb on the front of the book, and I have to admit, I found it nearly as powerful. As soon as I finished the – admittedly rather short – book, I read it straight through a second time. Many of the precepts of Christianity are crystallized in this telling of the life of Jesus, and to see them in a plain, readable (for me, at least) form proved quite compelling and made me reevaluate my view not only of the religion of Christianity, but my view of my own individual spirituality. How would it feel to love my enemy as I loved my neighbor? What would it mean to have this concept of God be nearer to a caring father figure than an overarching deity that cared more about following rules than human interaction? Wasn’t human interaction one of the most important things to humans?
All this called into doubt what I had seen of the more fundamentalist Christians that I had seen on TV and heard about through my friends. To put it loosely, were they preaching from the same gospel? This required some deeper investigation, which meant doing some research from the more quoted of sources.
In my search for a more direct answer, I went straight for the New Testament in my bible, using the internet as an alternate resource for when the text became too bulky for me to digest. What I found wasn’t something radically different as I had supposed, but something much more vague than I had expected. Herein was my first real experience with the vagueness of text – while my mom had often explained horoscopes away as simple vagueness, I had never seen it in a true religious sense like this.
What I was seeing was two different interpretations of one text in active use. On one side was the supposed eternal love of Christ and the Father in heaven, and on the other was spelled out damnation in the words of an angry God. Two things lead to this disparity and, in my case, made it worse. Firstly, I had not, at that point, read the Old Testament, nor had I finished more than the apostolic books of the New Testament, so I was without the harsher tradition of the Tanakh, as well as the stricter words put forth in the Pauline epistles and later books in the newer tradition. Secondly, I lacked the faith-driven background that most of these fundamentalists and true Christians had lived through. Not only was I brought up to use the healthy sense of skepticism that I had been given and had developed with my forays into other, smaller religions, but I was lacking the foundation of knowledge that these people had.
Of course, the largest difference between most of those people and myself was likely one of sexual orientation. I was reading the bible from the careful, wary standpoint of a young gay man eager to avoid conflict, while those around me were reading it from the standpoint of those who have always been taught that homosexuality is wrong by their society, their religion, and individuals in their lives. In my view, at that time, they were picking and choosing verses to justify their actions, whereas in their view, I was committing – make that living a sin that is strictly defined in several places in the entire bible, described as everything from ‘detestable’ to worthy of the death penalty. At this point in my life, this was too large of a portion of myself for me to keep at any sort of serious study of the bible or Christianity, and the phase quickly tapered out, leaving me with a greater sense of the religion derived from a novelized telling of Jesus’ life than from the bible itself.
Now that I was getting to be more experienced in this, I made sure not to just garner all this information without taking some of it into myself. One situation of note sticks out in particular. I had fallen madly in love with a friend of mine, Andrew, and, after our fair share of tribulations, we wound up in a relationship. However, a year or two into the relationship, we parted briefly for several reasons, and Andrew wound up with another person – a mutual friend of ours. One evening, feeling sorry for myself and rather sour all around, I went to bed early and lay, thinking, for several hours.
I really did wish the best for Andrew, though I was torn between that and jealousy, which made my feelings for our mutual friend all the more confusing. On one hand, he was my friend, but on the other, he’d taken something dear to me for himself, making obvious all of the ways I had screwed up in my relationship leading up to that point. I felt that I should have been thankful to him for that in a grudging sort of way because perhaps I was now a better person, but, to put it bluntly, I felt more that he was my enemy.
Remembering that silly phrase that I had heard, “love your enemies as you would love your neighbor,” I felt that it was worth a go, if only for not feeling so terrible for a while. I tried several approaches to this problem. Thinking of all of the redeeming factors of this person worked only on a very shallow level, as did just plain force. Removing Andrew from the equation helped a little, but after a while, I felt more like I was ignoring the problem than working towards a solution. It wasn’t until I removed myself from the equation that things started to work out. At first, I took a step back from the problem and attempted to see from the perspective of the others involved, which, as stated before, worked only somewhat well, as I was seeing what I interpreted to be their perspective, rather than their true perspective. After this, I attempted to draw the situation with myself as an observer, before finally stepping back from the whole thing and doing my level best to take in the logic and emotion bound up in this situation.
What I saw wasn’t some case of enemies and new loves, but was an instance of three people interacting with each other on a deeply emotional level. While I do not know all of what happened between Andrew and this friend of ours, much less what thoughts were going through their heads, seeing the situation laid bare helped me to understand the intricacies of what was going on along with the intense and, cliché as it sounds, beautiful interactions between three intense and beautiful individuals.
This was just a vague taste of what I think was meant by loving one’s enemies, and, finding such elation after being wrapped up in such drama, I slipped quickly out of this mode of thinking, though the ideas behind it stayed with me; it was only a brief glimpse of a deeper understanding. I leapt up from bed and got online as quickly as I could to tell this mutual friend that I understood and that I loved him “as a brother,” and that I had (jokingly) “reached enlightenment, and all it took was three hours in bed.”
Things eventually worked out well, I think, though tendrils of the situation lasted long past when I expected them to, several years later. Some sense of that original emotion stuck with me, and I felt that, at last, I finally knew what might be the driving force behind the origins of religion, that I knew what people meant by a mystical experience, and that this ecstasy would indeed serve as an excellent starting-point for wanting to join a religion. With the sour taste still in my mouth from finding the difference in interpretation within Christianity, I abandoned that thread and continued to look within myself, searching for the reason and method behind that moment.
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<p>10,306 words so far. If it were a novel, maybe I could do NaNoWriMo :o)</p>
<details text="This one's boring."><summary>This one's boring.</summary>
<em>Four years passed – Five Pillars – The Gays versus the Preachers – Changes mean new beginnings</em>
High school did not pass in a flash, even in hindsight. It wound laboriously through the weeks and months, most of the time, and I remember long stretches of dull times throughout my four years there. That’s not to say that times were all bad, of course. I made some incredible friends, did some incredibly stupid stuff, and just generally grew up a whole lot in the time I spent there.
I had gained a new appreciation of music through my experiences in choir under two tried and true directors, and had considered that as a field I might want to pursue later in life. However, I also grew to appreciate biology after taking a few advanced courses in the subject, gaining an interest in the areas of biochemistry and molecular biology. Thus it was that I applied to Colorado State University.
My reasons for applying to CSU as opposed to the more local CU were myriad. Foremost, during the application period, I was still together with Andrew, and he was planning on going to CSU as well, at the time. There were more pertinent reasons, however: according to my mom, who graduated from CU, the Fort Collins’ university’s methods were more geared toward practical applications while the Boulder university generally favored more theoretical study. This, I felt, was key in the area of biochemistry, my first major. Also important, I felt that moving away from my hometown – far enough to put some distance between my parents and I but near enough to make visiting easy – would be a good idea in order to facilitate independence.
All in all, with such a large move, I was left with a rather large change in my life. I found myself with a few of my classmates from high school in a different town, inundated with freedom. Now was obviously the time for experimentation beyond what I had been able to do at home. I began, at first, with classes. Besides the obvious biology, chemistry, and core classes I was taking, I added in The History of Islam to the 1500s.
During my classes in history in high school, Islam had been my favorite subject. Perhaps it was because it was the only sanctioned bit of religion we were allowed to be taught, with most other material sanitized of such content. My teacher at the time, Dr. Carter, did an excellent job of providing an historic overview along with a good description of the tenets of Islam, and my close friend, Jerred, a Malaysian Muslim, supplemented this information.
Getting to take an in-depth class on the subject felt like a privilege to me, and getting to learn from such a professor as Dr. Lindsey was an honor. The structure of the class, being basically historical, worked to our advantage, adding information to the basic understanding of the religion in chronological order as we learned about the events behind such changes.
In Islam, I saw a sort of purity and a fairly well defined system of faith with some clearly explained goals, along with a sense of brotherhood that I hadn’t really experienced or seen through any other systems. Alas, though I felt at first that I really connected with the religion, I ran into much the same problem that I did with Christianity – namely the discrepancy between what I learned from people and what I actually read in the Qur’an, and I wound up dropping the interest fairly soon, looking into it only at a much later date and from a much different perspective.
Meanwhile, I branched out in other areas of my life due to the freedom I had gained. With a campus of several thousand people, despite the university’s more conservative reputation, it was no surprise that there was a student group for gay students. The GLBT Student Services office quickly became a regular haunt for me, and I began to meet up with other gay people close to my age on campus, working into a group of friends and possible dating pool more so than I had done in Boulder. It was from this group of friends that I first strongly felt the aversion many gay people have toward religion, Christianity in particular.
With such a large area of campus devoted to free speech, the Plaza outside the student center was regularly visited by ‘street preachers,’ men whose full-time job it was to travel the nation and witness to large groups of students at a time. They would stand or sit out in one place with a ring of students gathered around them answering questions, preaching gospel, and shouting themselves hoarse. Generally the types of fundamentalists I would see on TV, they were usually fairly harsh on students, accusing everyone of engaging in irresponsible drinking, premarital sex, and vague gender-roles. Men in pink shirts would get shouted at for not being masculine, and public displays of affection were cause for rude noises.
Many of the people in the GLBTSS office pounced on the opportunity to start an argument with these preachers and often, whole groups of gay people would band together against the lone Christian in a shouting match over the ethics of homosexuality or the legitimacy of the bible in today’s society. Both sides would hurl logical fallacies at each other and both would leave frustrated. I didn’t actually work up the courage to talk to one of the preachers until a few years later, but I would always go and watch whenever these squabbles would happen, curious as to the lack of civil discourse.
My own beliefs came into play more toward the end of my first semester of such freedom. By now, I had gone to the nearby Bible Superstore to pick up a different translation of the bible, one that would be easier to read, and started picking at it now and then. At the same time I got a little into Tarot cards and explored the system behind them, though that exploration didn’t last too long due to what I felt to be a rather large amount of information to memorize. Deep inside, though, things were certainly getting riled up: something about my current major did not agree with me.
It wasn’t just that I wasn’t doing well in my classes (a test that I felt that I had done well on would turn out to be a 30% score), but something didn’t feel right about the subject I was studying. I found, as I still do, the information absolutely fascinating and extremely pertinent in today’s world, but I felt that I wasn’t the one who should be working on it. For me the path seemed the incorrect one, like I was doing something that I knew I shouldn’t by studying in a field so close to other people’s physical bodies, something which I felt should not be my area of expertise.
After one semester, I changed my major to music, seeking music education. With my emphasis on the internal aspects of humanity, I thought that this was a better fit for me. The education portion of my degree would not only be more marketable than just music, but now I would be dealing with kids (my aim was to teach high school), something else that was important to me. My one big regret of being gay was that I wouldn’t likely have any children of my own.
This feeling of ‘correct fit’ when it came to my choice of major along with the direction my life was headed was the trailhead for the path of mysticism and religious study that would follow. Though that first year was vague in terms of beliefs and traditions, I feel that it was the beginning of a solidifying phase. My method of study – rather than my actual religion, of course – was gelling into a means of exploring traditions, religions, and spiritualities that was constructive for me, leading to the beginnings of my concept of synthesis which would become so important later on. I was a preschooler in learning how to learn.
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<p>Came across a passage in a book I'm reading that nicely summarizes that experience I had. Some background first: Kabbalistic tradition teaches that the soul has five dimensions or levels, and that three of these five are close enough to the Divine that the are inherently pure, no matter what - there's no way to make them impure.</p>
<blockquote>The Jewish morning prayers include a sentence that says, "My God, the soul (<em>neshama</em>*) you placed within me, she is pure." One can meditate upon this idea to develop self-esteem and to deepen one's sense of interconnectedness with all beings. It is a simple exercise.
Imagine you have a pure light shining within. If you close your eyes, you can get a hint of this light glowing deep inside your being. Then say to yourself, <em>No matter what I may feel about myself, I know that I have a pure soul.</em> When we contemplate this affirmation for a while, we begin to feel a spark of inner peace.
The next step in this practice is to gently acknowledge that every person we encounter has a pure soul. Every time we see someone, we say quietly to ourselves, <em>There is a pure soul; there is another pure soul.</em> Notice that the person could be sweet and amenable, or could have an abrasive personality. IT does not matter. The soul of every being is pure. If we continue this practice for everyone we meet, including those in whose presence we have negative feelings, the ways we relate to ourselves and to others will be dramatically affected. As simple as it may seem, this exercise opens our hearts.
-- Rabbi David Cooper, <em>God is a Verb</em>, p. 106</blockquote>
<p>The experience I had with 'feeling enlightened' was a brief taste of this (<em>neshama</em>) I think, which came without form or practice (such as, say, this meditation), and thus came as rather a surprise to me.</p>
<p><hr width="25%"/>
* <em>Neshama</em> is the middle level of the soul and the 'lowest' or 'closest' level that remains pure. In order from 'closest to the self' to 'closest to the divine', the levels of the soul are <em>nefesh</em> or physicality, <em>ruach</em> or emotional awareness, <em>neshama</em> or worthiness of character, <em>chayah</em> or awareness of unity, and <em>yedidah</em> or connection with the Divine. To give the rudest of summaries, one's soul begins in <em>nefesh</em> and, with maturation, is crowned by <em>ruach</em>. <em>Neshama</em> is experienced or gained through proper application and nurturing of the previous two levels (i.e.: healthy living and conscious action). <em>Chayah</em> is the realm of awareness of unity and enlightenment (not as what I experienced) as merging with God, and <em>yedidah</em> is our ultimate link with <em>Ein Sof</em>. This is an incredibly basic summary, and I'm hardly qualified to give it. I'm a third of the way done with one book on it :o</p>
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<p>Publishing's a bunch of crap, and is made of ass and poo. Mulled wine makes things better. I'm still interested in hearing all of your stories about this same sort of stuff, though, so.. uh.. I encourage you to post them, too, and maybe something will happen from there. Now's your chance to be selfish and show the world how your path is the one true path. For you :3</p>
<p>This chapter was hard to write. Hard to remember all that stuff. There will be another explaining more later on.</p>
<details text="Music I"><summary>Music I</summary>
<em>Early musicianship – The subtleties in the art – A major in two halves – Counterfeits sell – Another change</em>
Some of my earliest memories are of listening to the music of my parents, making mix-tapes (I grew up in the 80’s, you see), and hearing new songs on the radio. Seeing my interest in the music around me, my parents agreed to put me in lessons for an instrument, and, from about age six through about fifth grade, I played the alto saxophone, all while maintaining interests in other instruments such as drums and keyboard.
Music was, essentially, the closest thing I had to a ‘religion’ for a long time. I put religion in quotes because I do not mean that I had mystical experiences while playing the sax or that I believed strongly in any one particular thing about music (at that time), but that music was the thing that was constant in my life: lessons were church, recitals were special occasions to get dressed up for, and it was something that I had to think about in my daily life.
It’s of little surprise, then, when I say that my interest in music continued throughout my life. After all, it began as a habit and stayed with me as one for a long time before I started to actually think about it in any sort of depth. It used to be that I would listen to music on repeat while doing homework, thinking I’d just have noise in the background, but I’d often find that I’d wind up anticipating what song was coming up next and trying to tie the whole of the album or tape together into a story.
Music meant little to me in middle school, and I picked up the oboe then more as a way to attract attention to myself as the one that played that weird instrument that sounded more like a duck than a woodwind. High school, on the other hand, was the defining time for me, more by chance than anything else. I first signed up for classes so that I had seven periods of class and one off period in the middle of the day for lunch. On my third day at school, however, while eating lunch in the hallway with a friend from elementary school, several girls came up to us and basically bribed us into joining choir (their reasoning was that there were a lot of girls there, which didn’t interest me nearly as much as the music).
Winding up in choir for that freshman year was, in retrospect, the original turning point of my life in the direction of music. Before that, I really had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life, other than the occasional vague notion of being a scientist of some sort. Through the four years of choir in high school (five choirs; seven if you count seasonal choirs), I developed a deep respect for some of the music we performed and began to ponder the music in a more conscious fashion.
How, exactly, did one convey emotion through music? This became particularly pertinent when we performed music of different cultures. To western ears, the major scale (or at least major tonality) outlines a generally positive mood while tempo and dynamics are left to further that description. For example, a loud, fast, and major sounding song may suggest triumph or ecstasy, while a soft and slow major song can sound introspective – love is a big theme, of course. This leaves the minor scale for describing negative emotions, with similar modifications from tempo and dynamics.
Looking at music from other cultures, however, provides a different glimpse. As a readily available example, much in the way of Jewish choral literature relies less on what melodic materials are used and more on articulation and other devices to determine whether a song is ‘happy’ or not. In other words, many Jewish choir songs sound distinctly depressing or sad to our western ears, though the texts are rather positive.
As another example, I mentioned before that I’ve played with the dominant sonority, using it in ways that are not expected. A dominant function chord is one that, in western music, has a tendency to resolve in a certain way to the tonic, or primary key sonority, that is, it is usually seen as the second-to-last chord and over all sonority in most common practice period pieces, excepting of course the ‘amen’ of hymns. Though originally seen as dissonant, the dominant seventh chord became so ingrained into western music that it became strict taboo to not resolve it properly, or at least in a properly deceptive manner. It wasn’t until the late romantic era and into the jazz era that ‘improper’ uses of dominant seventh chords became commonplace.
These are both examples of the effect of music on the mind of the listener. The composer plays with the direction of the music based on the listener’s expectations of what’s to come in the line of the song. In high school, though I’d begun composing, I was subconsciously trying to do just that. My earliest songs show some attempt at providing material that would sound unexpected without being totally out there.
Once I got to college and settled into my music major, however, I began to come across more and more in the way of musical materials in my schooling. Though I started with Music Theory Fundamentals, I ended up building a strong core of musical knowledge from the ground up, and from the past to the present. This growing core of knowledge allowed me to explore further into my own musical style, but more than that, it provided growing concern in my major, though I had just switched recently.
My goal up until that point was to major in music education as a way to stay in my desired major of music and wind up with a sure-fire job when I graduated. The more I dealt with the education department, however, the more I came in contact with the public education system and its philosophies, and the more I came in contact with those while building my musical knowledge-base, the more I wanted to get out. What I saw in the music department was incredible. I saw, for the first time, all of the ideas that I had in my head from choir in high school not only put into action, but also embodied in the other students that I met there, not to mention the teachers, who were and still are of great inspiration to me.
In the public education system, however, I saw everything that I hated about my own public school experiences. Teachers are taught to act fake, to refrain saying anything about themselves that kids might pass on to their parents, and to fear, above all else, the power of parents and their litigious tendencies in today’s society. As teachers, we were expected to teach in the style sanctioned by whatever was popular, and what was popular was determined by what was making the most money for publishers at the time. My education classes contradicted a good portion of my knowledge of psychology, and a good portion of what I expected to be able to teach was denied to me.
In particular, I felt that the direction in which my music education classes were heading was not where I wanted to head with my life. Specifically, the problems I had with music education had to do with the current trends in music and where they get their influences. The more I learned about the different styles of western music through the ages, the more I doubted the authenticity of what we sang in high school. Some of our music was genuine, true to its period or style, or unique in a way that offered a glimpse at something new. A healthy portion, however, was phony. Fake. Totally lacking in the soul and creativity that I saw in the other pieces we were performing. This was music that was written to fulfill a contract with a corporation, and it was the corporation, not the artists, the trends, and the times, that was deciding what was the correct music for our age group to be performing. This pseudomusic, as I later learned to call it, is easily taking over the industry, smothering students and leaving composers with little choice of what to write. This was not something I wanted to push on my students.
Likewise, teaching methods were pushed with the same voracity in the music education practicum class I took. Orff, Dalcroze, and Kodaly systems were pushed and hyped without end, and we were encouraged to spend several thousand dollars on a course that would get us a certificate proclaiming us as followers of that one particular method. Such useless certifications for simply different ways of teaching music put a bad taste in my mouth
With these doubts instilled about my future job, I began to question my true reason for wanting to be in the music education program. Sure, I wanted to give students the same joy that I had felt in singing an incredible piece, but I felt that that wasn’t the only reason for me wanting to be in front of a room full of students. A room full of singers is an instrument, and, as a budding composer, I felt that, were I not careful, I might start to see them as such and begin to push my own music on them. Of course, with this growing appreciation of music, I was terrified that along with my music would come my ideals, and here is where humility began to beat me over the head. Who was I to push around a room of students like that? I could bring them to see the same joy that I had felt, sure, but how would I feel expressing my opinions – as I knew I eventually would – in front of people who are just starting to form theirs? I wouldn’t be teaching so much as taking advantage.
For a while, I tried to quell my horror at the public education system and to work around these doubts. I formulated the beginnings of my teaching philosophy in an attempt to keep the proper goals in mind, though I only finished it recently under encouragement from others. In short, my goal should not be to lead an excellent choir in beautiful concerts, or to provide an artistic outlet for students, or even to teach the fundamentals of music; my goal should be to encourage the future generations to become more complete and well rounded individuals with an appreciation not only for the arts of our culture, but of others around us – leading an excellent choir, providing an artistic outlet, and teaching fundamentals is only the path toward that goal, and the harder the students and I work toward that goal, the greater our accomplishments along the way will be.
In an ideal world, that would be the case. The more I saw of the public education system, though, the more I was convinced that we were living in some world far, far from the ideal one, and I eventually started to look toward other avenues where I might help in other ways, eventually seeking to get into the composition major, a battle unto itself.
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<p>Well I was gonna head down to visit my dad, but I realized I had already bought crap for today's meal, and, besides, I felt that primal urge..</p>
<p>The urge..</p>
<p>To nearly set the kitchen on fire while cooking a thanksgiving meal. Every man goes through it.</p>
<p>(by the way, paper towels are flammable</p>
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<p>Merry..</p>
<p>I did it ;.;</p>
<p>For those of you interested, I made a community (and a strict set of rules), <lj comm="manifesto_proj">. It's open to those who would like to either read, discuss, or write about individual religion/faith/belief systems/anything related. It's intended to be safe and constructive, thus the rules, so if you're worried, look over the rules and see if they're up to spec. I don't know if I have to send specific invites, or if you can request to join, so let me know if there's problems.</p>
<p>Just puttin' the word out there for those interested. :o)&lt;/lj</p>
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<p>Protip: Poppies are disgusting. They're twice as disgusting in orange juice, though. <em>hurl</em></p>
<p>Also, seem to have lost all my Korea photos on this computer with that dying hard drive. Should still be on the CF card, though</p>
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<p><em>Adam Kadmon</em>, the primordial being, had 613 arms, and each arm had 600,000 roots, and each root was a great soul, and each great soul was comprised of 600,000 lesser souls. That's 367,800,000 great souls and 220,680,000,000,000 souls from the primordial being (and there are 613 laws in the Torah, and 600,000 Jews fled Egypt with their children).</p>
<p><em>At the beginning, God said "Let there be light."</em> (and the light flowed through the Tree of Life, but the latter seven Sephira were wrapped in shells, Qliphoth, which were shattered and acted as negatives of the Sephira they once encased)
<em>God crushed that light to atoms.</em> (and when the Qliphoth shattered, Adam Kadmon was split up, and each of the 613 arms belonged to a an organ and had a temperament)
<em>Millions of sparks are hidden in the world,</em> (and when the sparks of souls were divided, the temperaments of their corresponding organs dominated them but they were corrupted with fouler temperaments)
<em>but not all of us perceive them.</em> (and there is a mark on your forehead that marks your temperament and incorporating that in your life to work with it properly is your life's work)
<em>The self-glorious who walk arrogantly upright will never perceive one, but the meek, modest, eyes down-cast, he sees it.</em> (one must be conscious of the beauty of their pure soul, and of the purity of the souls of those around them)</p>
<p>This stuff's amazing - I love old systems @.@ I'll flesh it for <lj comm="manifesto_proj"> in Manifesto at some point.&lt;/lj</p>
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<p><small>X-posted: <lj user="drab_makyo"></lj>, <lj comm="manifesto_proj"></lj></small>
<em>Arguments and smooth talkin’ – Set, setting, or integral part?</em>
<details text="long, homosexuality, Christianity, Judaism"><summary>long, homosexuality, Christianity, Judaism</summary>While my library of relevant books grew from the KJV Bible and the Principia Discordia, my interest in spiritualities continued to swell and, eventually, I began to read more into these different faiths. I came back time after time to the bible, however, having branched the collection out to a nice NIV copy, an Amplified copy (wherein whenever there’s a difference in a source material, it’s noted, and whenever there are multiple meanings for a word, they follow in parentheses), and several NKJV New Testaments from the Gideons on campus. My reasons for looking so keenly into the Bible were due in large part to the overwhelming presence of Christianity on campus, specifically in the music department.
Perhaps because it was so pertinent in my daily life in school, I was very interested in the ‘why’ of Christianity. Why did people focus so intently on this one book, take the words written in it so seriously? I had gleaned a good bit of information about the history and concepts from Muller’s The Sins of Jesus, and I had read a bit of the bible at this point – the apostles and about half the Torah – so I could see that there was indeed something there to be learned. My struggle, then, was to find agreement in what I saw in the actions of Christians with the dogma put forth in the Bible.</p>
<p>There was, one spring, a preacher out on the Plaza named Johnny Square. He had the perfect voice for a contemporary evangelical, black preacher: smooth and reassuring with an almost sing-song tone to the important words which brought them out almost as much as the long pauses filling his speech did. Also, unlike the other preachers that usually came to campus, he encouraged one on one discussion, bringing with him a couple of PA speakers, a throat microphone for himself, and a microphone on a stand for whomever he was talking to. This idea of a public ‘one-on-one’ dialogue was something that intrigued me, as most other preachers were content to just shout at passers by from a central location, usually surrounded at a respectful distance by a ring of students listening, rarely participating.</p>
<p>As I mentioned before, though, many of the people from the GLBT office were rather harsh with these preachers, and today was no exception: what began as a light argument about homosexuality as sin turned into each side throwing logical fallacies at each other mingled with insults. With this apparent stalemate, the folk from the GLBT office headed off to their classes and Mr. Square was left all worked up.</p>
<p>For some reason I’m not sure of, I got up and went to the microphone. I had little idea of what I was going to talk about, other than I just wanted to make it a more constructive conversation than what had just taken place, perhaps as a means to show that not everyone from the office was so intent on attacking. Not really in the moment, I began by asking him how he was and a few basic questions more to stall for time before I brought up the idea of love in homosexual relationships. While I’m sure we talked for about half an hour or forty-five minutes, I really don’t remember much about the conversation except that, at one point, I mentioned that I would be willing to go to hell for the love that I’ve experienced in this life, to which the preacher responded, “Hell is the place where Jesus Christ is completely separated from you and absent from the whole of your existence.”</p>
<p>This was, by far, the gentlest description of hell I’d heard, though depending on whom you ask, possibly the most devastating. Our own conversation reached a gentler stalemate soon after, though it was not without a few pieces of scripture – the standard statement from Leviticus regarding homosexuality included. Certainly not as exciting as the previous discussion, ours left us both feeling a little lighter, and he offered to meet with me over lunch the next day, though our conversation was rather shallow over that.</p>
<p>What I took away from this experience was a few bits of confusion that I’m still thinking about today, all surrounding the definition of Christianity. Granted, such a thing is quite subjective and will change depending on whom you ask, I was left wondering about the connection between Christianity and Judaism. The two are obviously connected – the first five books of the Old Testament are the Jewish Torah, and, with the rest of the books in that collection, part of the Tanakh, the collected writings which, along with the Talmud and Midrash, serve as the basis of the religion. Jesus himself was a Jew, and the Jews played a major part in the story of his life.</p>
<p>Separating the two, then, becomes a problem. There are a few obvious differences in teachings between the Old and New Testaments: in the former, God is shown to be quick to anger and, in his own words, “a jealous God;” while in the latter, he is put forth as a loving abba, or father figure. In Judaism, God talks the people of Israel through prophets, of which there are many, and many instances of groups of people prophesizing, while in Christianity, God is said to be manifest in the form of Jesus (basically – different denominations, different views on this), making Jesus more than just a prophet. Also, prayer is left to the individual, and, as a consequence, there are less in the way of prophets, not to mention the priest caste that had existed before.</p>
<p>Another difference in the two is the amount and presentation of rules. It is said that there are 613 rules in the Torah that Jews must follow, and they are stated plainly, along with consequences. In the New Testament the rules are muddied and indistinct, though there are certainly commandments, and many of them show up not only in the form of parable, but only appear later in the writings of his followers, such as Paul. This, of course, brings into question the sources for each of these two traditions: for the older, there are the words of God brought to the people by way of the prophets, and in the latter, God spoke directly through Jesus, and the rest, to paraphrase Rabbi Hillel, is just commentary.</p>
<p>These differences lead to the question of how does Judaism (in the context of the Old Testament) factor into Christianity? In the culture at the time, it would be easy to see Jesus as the next prophet, taken from an outsider’s perspective – an insider, of course, having the miracles on his side. With Jesus being a Jew in a Jewish culture, it’s easy to look at it that way, but obviously, things have changed – Christianity is now seen as a separate entity from Judaism, and most Jews certainly don’t consider Christians to be Jewish! With its focus on the Israelite community (the oft-quote Leviticus 18:22 is followed with, in the 29th verse paraphrased, “Whoever commits these acts will be cut off from the people”), what then does this mean for Christians who use this – obviously a cultural and spiritual influence in Jesus’ time – to condemn people today? Yes, in a later verse (Lev 20:13), it does say that the person who commits this act (a man laying with a man) is to be put to death if they’re in the house of Israel and defile the Lord’s sanctuary, but how does this fit in with today’s Christianity? I honestly am not sure whether the Old Testament is intended as the predecessor and basis behind Christianity or if it is actively considered part of the teaching. It seems to me that it depends on the Christian, and many opt for a combination of both – using portions such as those listed above as active principles in their faith while the others are simply set-and-setting for Jesus’ life.</p>
<p>Even within the New Testament there are things that can be applied both as active principles and set-and-setting. For example, how does one deal with the concept of witnessing? The ‘against the hypocrites’ chapters in Matthew, the sixth and seventh, would seem contrary to what a lot of Christians do, but even later books, the Pauline Epistles in particular, seem contrary to this. Witnessing, it seems, should be done on a one-on-one basis with quiet humility according to what Jesus said, which seems contrary to the shouting preachers on the plaza, condemning us all to hell and praying before us. Perhaps this is why I enjoyed Johnny Square so much more than the others. What he held was more of a public dialog between him and one or two students at a time to talk about the issues at hand, rather than to make a spectacle of witnessing.</p>
<p>These explorations are still new to me, despite having thought about them for so long now. I’m sure that answers will come to me in time and will bring with them all new questions. For now I’ll have to keep reading, and perhaps one of these days I’ll pluck up my courage again and talk to someone on the other side of the situation. I’m curious to see how both Christians and Jews feel about this issue, and I’m interested to see how they’ll react to being asked such a question.</p>
<p>&lt;/details</p>
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<p>Heeeaaat, glorious heeeaaat..</p>
<p>Stupid part is, it took all of 30 seconds to fix. I could've done that, had I known how :oP</p>
<p>Also, monitor's dying ;.; Maybe a Christmas present</p>
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<p><small>X-posted to <lj user="drab_makyo"></lj> and <lj comm="manifesto_proj">. The complete work so far (with proper formatting) is available as a <a href="http://drab-makyo.com/manifesto.pdf">PDF file</a>. Appropriate music, non?</lj></small>
<em>Distractions – Pleasure first and pleasure in all things – Reeling – Consequences</em>
<details text="long, drugs"><summary>long, drugs</summary>School provided an ample distraction for me from my spiritual pursuits, but even so, I was still left with some free time to explore other interests. The internet still occupied much of my time, and through it, I found myself picking up a few different hobbies. As may be obvious by now, my attention does tend to wander from one topic to another fairly often and I’ve wound up with a good collection of stuff – both intangible knowledge and tangible items – related to all of these brief infatuations. However, I’d have to say that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is this exploration of the different corners of the universe and building my knowledge up higher and higher, as there is always still more and more to learn.</p>
<p>In this way, I consider myself a hedonist, or at least rather selfish. I suppose by garnering all of this knowledge and related materials, I was, as Jesus put it, building up wealth (of a sort) in this life instead of working for the next. It felt good for me to build a wider and wider base of knowledge on which to build myself. It felt good to have tangible evidence of my skill, and to be able to demonstrate it. This, I think, is where the selfishness showed up – thought it did feel good to have all this, I felt rather bad in having it. It felt as though I was bragging, and continuously searching for new things to brag about. I still struggle with this, and I do my best to keep humility in mind.</p>
<p>Along with this garnering of knowledge, I did my level best to cherish experiences and emotions as well. While it might be slightly contrary to the definition of hedonism, I didn’t do anything to avoid depression and pain to focus just on positive emotions and pleasure. Rather, when depression came up, I did my best to dissect the feeling both in an attempt to remedy it as well as cherish the feeling while it was there. With pain, I focused on the pleasure within it and toyed with finding descriptive words and phrases for it. A paper I found on my floor recently offers a glimpse of this: “Pain is the harsh light that illuminates our lives in a stark contrast of ups and downs; it is the gently persistent glow that brings color to our pleasure; we breathe pain – the scent of snow on the way in and the taste of blood on the way out, frigid to the core no matter how hot.”</p>
<p>With these descriptions in mind, I began almost subconsciously to attempt to synaesthetically catalog my different emotions and sensations in terms of sensory responses. My early attempts back in high school described emotions and the thoughts tied to them as clouds of color in different locations within and surrounding my body. I think that, by attempting to picture the colors before I tried to decipher the emotions involved helped me to differentiate between separate and related emotions. As an example, I <a href="http://drab-makyo.livejournal.com/43946.html">wrote</a>, “when pondering [attraction], a luminescent fuchsia color that seems to be flowing in the right hemisphere of my brain; when thinking of [a significant other] and snuggling, a warm, earthy brown with a little bit of green in a pine-needle-ish pattern about a foot and a half in front of me and slightly to the left; tiredness is off-white everywhere and blind hopelessness is bright blue wrapped around my mind.” However, this exercise was rather draining, and I didn’t keep it up for long.</p>
<p>This lust for experience and betterment eventually lead into exploration of drugs – I’ll be blunt; mind-altering substances is a nice phrase, but food and water are mind-altering substances – beginning with the obvious months of research on Erowid and like sites back in high school. Upon the way, I came across a page about Salvia divinorum and its effects, including a chapter from the book Pharmako/poeia by Dale Pendell. I purchased this book and skimmed through the amazingly poetic content (I even began writing in his style – if anyone remembers my ‘ally’ – while reading the book) all while still researching the interestingly bizarre plant that is Salvia. I finally worked up the courage to purchase some Salvia just to see what it was like.</p>
<p>The third time was the charm, and also the most terrifying. The first two attempts at trying the plant resulted in little more than hypoxia, but, as I’d read, there was a bit of reverse tolerance – the drug got stronger as time went on. Never has anything instilled such fear in me, and, in time, such respect. While I had steered clear of drugs throughout high school, preferring instead to sit and watch from the sidelines as a girl in my world literature class freaked out on mushrooms, I only began to really respect them with this experience.</p>
<p>What exactly happen sounds rather mundane and funny in retrospect: having smoked a little bit of the extracted plant material in an empty room, I was neatly destroyed before I even had a chance to exhale the first breath. I felt that I had lost nearly all sense of my ego, and I was clinging to what remained by the barest of threads while my room tried to eat it. Having fallen over on my side, the baseboard heater had become a mouth, the window a solitary eye, and the vast expanse of the empty room a muzzle and throat of some sort of beast emanating from my chest, intent on eating my ego and any lingering sense of self. With Salvia comes a certain gravity – it pulls back and to the right, for me – along with a rhythm of about two or three strikes a second, and this turned into a sensation of being caught in the maw of this beast while it struggled to dislodge me with its tongue in order to swallow.</p>
<p>To be honest, I’m not sure how my deep sense of respect for such a powerful plant emerged from such a situation, other than perhaps the sense of ego-death caused by it. Also, it made me realize what a control freak I can be when it comes to my mind. My worst fear in the world at the time was insanity, of which I was given a brief glimpse. Part of, I believe, my trouble with that experience was the need to hold onto the strand of my ego throughout the process and not let it go.</p>
<p>The next experience, that of psylocybe mushrooms, completely destroyed all of that. Salvia is a quick experiencing. From start to shaky baseline was likely no more than five or ten minutes. With mushrooms, I was clearly not myself for a good three or four hours, and was not back to baseline for another four hours after that. Sometime during this process, I started to break out in a mild case of hives, which, while you’re in the process of going crazy, does little to help the situation. While I had been pleasantly goofy before, I suddenly turned into a mess of fear and panic, getting stuck in a time loop in the bathtub, and spending half an hour writing to myself that I had just taken a psychoactive substance in order to convince myself that I was still sane.</p>
<p>It was after this that my respect for Salvia grew even more. It took another year after the episode with the mushrooms, but I finally tried another psychoactive substance again, and this time, I let the herb steal away my ego, placidly going through a sort of ego-death in order to experience the rawer side of myself that is normally buried under the crust of the Self. While the imagery of the ‘trip’ was fairly standard – floating up through the branches of a limitless tree as the layers of my mind were laid bare to me – the deeper meaning struck me as a very introspective look at some of the parts of my mind that I don’t normally get to see. The next evening, I attended a Sufi zikr (‘dhikr’ depending on the tradition) ceremony with a very close friend in the music department, and I was tempted to ask for a mystical interpretation of the experience while the leaders of the ceremony engaged in a traditional interpretation of dreams.</p>
<p>My explorations with other substances have also been introspective, but none so deeply. To take a phrase from Dale Pendell, they were, rather, ground-state training. I have toyed with large doses of caffeine and then fasted from it in order to take a look within myself and see what courses my thoughts take both on and off the substance. I have sought empathy in plants such as Kava kava, blue lotus, and pot, and found it in only limited qualities. I have toyed with the concept of addiction – something my mother warned me ran in the family – and intentionally gotten myself addicted to alcohol in order to see what the concepts of addiction and withdrawal mean to me, even to the point of having several of my friends worried for me (though I honestly feel that I’m a safer drinker than most college students – I drink often, yes, but rarely more than two drinks). Oddly, I tried to toy with the same thing with opium (in the form of poppy tea), but never found what was purported to be one of the most intense addictions. The whole experience was rather dull, really. The most comfortable ‘dull’ in the history of my life, yes, but dull. The other substance that one equates with addiction, tobacco, often makes me vomit, so I tend to stay away from it based on a more physical aversion. This ground-state training is more yogic than usual drug use, but certainly pertinent to my explorations. The poison path remains a part of my life.</p>
<p>Of course, none of any of my hobbies came cheap: I’ve never been one to skimp on quality even when I’m hunting for bargains. Though I come from a rather affluent background, this gave me my first taste of debt, which, to be certain, has gotten rather out of hand as of late. As a result, I’ve gone through one of the more drastic lifestyle changes yet as of late: while I’ve tried to get rid of stuff before, I’ve never done so with as much abandon as I have now. When I began this change in my life to work way from my previous excess and my current comparatively ascetic lifestyle to a happy medium, I laid strict ground rules for myself – family tradition would hold little to no weight, personal value would be based more on how often I used the item in question, and I would not always try to sell for the highest price, for that would often result in the item not selling. Again, this was quite self-centered of me, intended to get me out of debt and into a comfortable life rather than to make me a more worldly person, but I feel that it has certainly contributed and will continue to contribute to constructive growth as a person.</p>
<p>How does this tie into my personal faith? Well, I don’t suppose it does in a direct way, really. However, faith is not the only aspect in life, and other aspects do need to be taken into account. I think that this has all brought to me a grounding in the more tangible word that surrounds me as well as a clearer idea of how my mind and body work on a more basic level than any amount of introspection and reading can gain. While this spirituality business is certainly an important aspect of my life, of life on a whole, it is not all that one can focus on. There are bills to pay, I’ve found, both literally and figuratively, and one must work out the financial system before one engages in transactions.</p>
<p>&lt;/details</p>
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<h1>Zk | Manifesto - XI</h1>
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<p><em>Skill as basis – Ethereal style – Source and sink – Why an artist?</em></p>
<p>Updated at: http://drab-makyo.com/Manifesto_Project/Manifesto.pd</p>
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<title>Zk | Whuh..</title>
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<h1>Zk | Whuh..</h1>
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<details text="Drugs"><summary>Drugs</summary>Uh.. if you're at all interested in Salvia divinorum, due to a law being passed outlawing it in IL, there's a 20% off all Salvia products at http://www.iamshaman.com using the coupon code LASTDAYS07. The shop's great, trustworthy, and with the sale, affordable, so if you're into that thing, just letting you know..
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<title>Zk | Manifesto - XII</title>
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<h1>Zk | Manifesto - XII</h1>
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<p><em>Gellin’ – Hypothesis on Unitarians – Your mileage may vary – A church to call my own?</em></p>
<p>Updated at: http://drab-makyo.com/Manifesto_Project/Manifesto.pd</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-11-28 06:51:32</p>
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<title>Zk | By the way...</title>
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<h1>Zk | By the way...</h1>
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<p>Does anyone else think <a href="http://xkcd.com/350/">this</a> is an incredibly good idea?</p>
<p>If I were as pessimistic as Jubal Harshaw or Agent Smith, I'd say this is a perfect way to come up with an artificial human intelligence :D:D:</p>
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<title>Zk | Behehe..</title>
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<h1>Zk | Behehe..</h1>
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<details text="Hehehe.."><summary>Hehehe..</summary>
<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2074158969/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2069/2074158969_fe48d7af43_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2074158969/">IMG_4297s</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>BAHAHHAHAHAHA.<br/><br/>Thank you, Merry :D:D:D:D:D<br clear="all"/>
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<details text="sweet"><summary>sweet</summary>
Ranna Fox
9:52
Yoooo.
Shanerak
9:55
dook
Ranna Fox
10:01
How's it goin', ferret?
Shanerak
10:02
not bad, kinda tired
Ranna Fox
10:02
Awr. Well, I guess it's midnight there..
Shanerak
10:03
Yeah
Ranna Fox
10:13
rrf.. sorry I missed your call and sorry I'm so distracted..
Shanerak
10:14
*shrugs* no big thing
Ranna Fox
10:14
Alrighty..
Shanerak
10:17
*flop*
Ranna Fox
10:18
*squeeze* How're you doin'?
Shanerak
10:21
Oh, I'm alright
tight on money this month but otherwise good
Ranna Fox
10:22
Mmm? Anything in particular?
Shanerak
10:22
*shrugs* heavy insurance and getting my parents that thousand bucks by christmas
but I'll be good for it
Ranna Fox
10:23
Alrighty.. I can help out some.. I'll drive you around and feed you for the trip ;.;
Shanerak
10:23
Oh pff, the trip is fine
Ranna Fox
10:24
Heh, alrighty. Just making sure :o)
I'll cook you good food, and we'll have a grand old time on the cheap.
Shanerak
10:27
word :3
gonna get kine to hook me up with some pot too incase you're into that
gotta hit up the mountains
Ranna Fox
10:27
*snug* Yeah, definitely. Should be fun with you and him.
Shanerak
10:28
mhm *curls*
Ranna Fox
10:28
*petpet* It'll be good to see you, anyway.
Shanerak
10:28
Well of course it will :P
Nice to know I'll just be out there soon too
Ranna Fox
10:31
Mmhm. You're more fun to sleep with then a bundled up blanket.
Shanerak
10:31
Haha yeah, and you than a pillow
Ranna Fox
10:32
I have the hardest time telling you that I love you, probably because of the whole waiting for you to move out here, but you know I love you, right? :oP
Shanerak
10:33
Yeah
I guess it's weird since we're not in person, but it's obvious I would hope
that I love you.. back?
:3
Ranna Fox
10:34
Hahaha, yeah, it's just been feeling like I've been holding back or something. Weird :o)
Shanerak
10:36
Nah, it's all good
I have a hard time saying it too, I dunno
not because it's hard to say but because I said it a lot and I just feel like you already know anyway
Ranna Fox
10:37
Yeah, I do :o) I guess it's just been kind of a weird road through all this.
Shanerak
10:37
Yep, but it's all good
Ranna Fox
10:38
Mmhm ^^ Anyway, as long as we're still good for the trip. :o)
Shanerak
10:39
Of course :P
When I say short on money I mean I can't like.. go buy clothes and spend 200 bucks a week on meals and shit
Ranna Fox
10:40
Well, alright.. :o)
I'll still make you food :oP
Shanerak
10:42
do it :3
Ranna Fox
10:42
Korean food. And special brownies.
Shanerak
10:43
anyway gotta sleep, foxo
*snugs* seeya later
Ranna Fox
10:44
*wrap* See ya ^^
Sleep well.
Shanerak
10:45
you too :&gt;
10:45
Shanerak disconnected
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<title>Zk | Uh.. wow o.o</title>
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<h1>Zk | Uh.. wow o.o</h1>
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<p>So, Leonard Bernstein's 3rd symphony, "Kaddish," is probably the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Ever. So long as one hears it with Bernstein's own narration, that is. I don't think I'd like it as much with the Holocaust narration: it stands as a 'prayer for the dead' for the holocaust victims, but cheapens the music and changes its meaning.</p>
<details text="The words from the second movement."><summary>The words from the second movement.</summary><blockquote>
NARRATOR
With Amen on my lips, I approach
Your presence, Father. Not with fear,
But with a certain respectful fury.
Do You not recognize my voice?
I am that part of Man You made
To suggest his immortality.
You surely remember, Father?—the part
That refuses death, that insists on You,
Divines Your voice, guesses Your grace.
And always You have heard my voice,
And always You have answered me
With a rainbow, a raven, a plague, something.
But now I see nothing. This time You show me
Nothing at all.
Are You listening, Father? You know who I am:
Your image; that stubborn reflection of You
That Man has shattered, extinguished, banished.
And now he runs free—free to play
With his new-found fire, avid for death,
Voluptuous, complete and final death.
Lord God of Hosts, I call You to account!
You let this happen, Lord of Hosts!
You with Your manna, Your pillar of fire!
You ask for faith, where is Your own?
Why have You taken away Your rainbow,
That pretty bow You tied round Your finger
To remind You never to forget Your promise?
“For lo, I do set my bow in the cloud ...
And I will look upon it, that I
May remember my everlasting covenant ...”
Your covenant! Your bargain with Man!
Tin God! Your bargain is tin!
It crumples in my hand!
And where is faith now—Yours or mine?
Forgive me, Father. I was mad with fever.
Have I hurt You? Forgive me,
I forgot You too are vulnerable.
But Yours was the first mistake, creating
Man in Your own image, tender,
Fallible. Dear God, how You must suffer,
So far away, ruefully eyeing
Your two-footed handiwork—frail, foolish,
Mortal.
My sorrowful Father,
If I could comfort You, hold You against me,
Rock You and rock You into sleep.
SOPRANO SOLO AND BOYS’ CHOIR
Yit’gadal v’yit’kadash sh’me raba, amen …
NARRATOR
Rest, my Father. Sleep, dream.
Let me invent Your dream, dream it
With You, as gently as I can.
And perhaps in dreaming, I can help You
Recreate Your image, and love him again.
</blockquote>
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<title>Zk | Manifesto - XIII</title>
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<h1>Zk | Manifesto - XIII</h1>
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<p><em>The system of the Self – Cards and stars – Chaos rears her beautiful head</em></p>
<p>Updated at: http://drab-makyo.com/Manifesto_Project/Manifesto.pd</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>So. This new shaving soap is fucking awesome, even if I made a mess making a lather, and aftershave is equally amazing. Hopefully the straight razor I got will stand up to all the awesomeness going around and leave me free of razor burn. :D:</p>
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<p><a href="http://xkcd.com/352/"><img src="http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/far_away.png"/>&lt;/a</p>
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<title>Zk | Damnit..</title>
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<h1>Zk | Damnit..</h1>
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<p>I can't even focus on procrastinating. At least my room's finally set up, even if there's still a bunch of shit on the floor. Oh well. Read <em>God is a Verb</em> for a bit, but alas, it started talking first about miracles, and then about angels, which, even from the mystical side, were a little hard to swallow. The chapters weren't without good ideas, at least.</p>
<p>Manifesto feels too much like homework (of which I have tons) for me to want to work on it right now. Hopefully that'll change soon</p>
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<title>Zk | Have a drink.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Have a drink.</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/447435246/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/203/447435246_aa10571869_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/447435246/">Forest</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>Happy Repeal day :D:D:D:D:D:D:D<br/><br/>From <lj user="mousit"></lj>&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<title>Zk | MERRY :D:D</title>
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<h1>Zk | MERRY :D:D</h1>
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<p>I found another recording of Kaddish, which is, alas, not very good, except for <a href="http://twu.net/~ranna/.kaddish/amen-interruption.mp3">the one part you mentioned :D:D:D&lt;/a</p>
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<p>Oh.. and sorry I missed everyone's calls tonight. Kinda.. 20 page paper due tomorrow :D:D Finished now, at least</p>
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<title>Zk | This week</title>
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<h1>Zk | This week</h1>
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<p>Giving the internet a bit of a break. It's finals week, and the thing I need is a huge source of potential drama.</p>
<p>Instead of any real content, have some blather about Confucianism.</p>
<details><summary>Read more...</summary><blockquote><strong>8.3 The Doctrine.</strong> Although Confucianism is part of the three religions that form the traditional heritage of China (with Taoism and Buddhism), it is legitimate to question its being a religion in the common, however inadequate, sense of the term. Superficially, it does not seem to be one, for its enterprise appears to be the <em>demythologization</em> of Chinese beliefs: supernatural beings are made into virtues, heaven stops being a god, being made into a mere principle that warrants order, and so forth. In a certain sense, Confucius' criticism of traditional religion had much in common with the Buddha's critique of Hindu beliefs and practices; yet in sharp contrast with the latter, it did not at all concern the "salvation" of human beings, for the simple and basic reason that it in no way occurs to Confucius <em>that there is anything in social life to be saved from, nor consequently anyone to be saved</em>. "When one is unable to serve human beings, how can one serve spiritual beings?" says one aphorism, clearly meaning that one is to abandon any pursuit of an invisible reality. "When you do not know life, how would you know death?" is meant to discourage whoever has any inclination toward the mysteries of afterlife.
In contrast to Buddhism, which developed a powerful organization based on a hierarchy of monks and laypeople, Confucianism did not have priests. The performers of rituals were the same <em>ju</em>, or bureaucrats, who filled, by state examination, the openings in the imperial administration, bot central and provincial. Our term "religion" does not immediately seem to apply to this formal cult mechanically performed by nonpriests for divinities toward which they do not aspire.
[...] Logic did not interest Confucius any more than mythology. His main concern was to discover the Middle Way (<em>Tao</em>) in human society and in individual actions, the Way that would guarantee the balance between the will of the earth and the will of heaven. "Heaven" here, it should be carefully stated, was not a divinity, but a universal and omnipresent principle, hidden and undefinable, whose operations "are noiseless and odorless."
If Confucianism pursues some form of "salvation," this is not religious soteriology. Confucians do not have a negative worldview, like Buddhists or Christians; they do not understand immortality, like Taoists, as something one may individually acquire, but as a goal naturally attained by the succession of many generations; they do not have a direct, however painful and problematic, relation with God like Jews, and do not tremble before the will of heaven like Muslims before Allah. Confucianism does not assign human beings any other objective than the pursuit of the excellency of their humanness (<em>jen yi</em>) by the correct and proper accomplishment of their social duties (<em>li</em>). The foundation of Confucianism is summarized in the aphorism: <em>The father must be a father, and the son a son.</em>
Human society is supposed to be regulated by a movement, educational in intent, that goes from the top to the bottom and corresponds to paternal love (for a <em>son</em>) and by an opposite movement of reverence that goes from the bottom to the top and is tantamount to filial piety. This is the only Confucian duty whose absoluteness nearly shows a trace of passion, for otherwise gentlemen indiscriminately abhor passions. A breach of the rule of piety (toward one's family, one's superior, one's homeland, one's chief of state, etc.) is the only Confucian definition of sacrilege. Historians of the Far East had a tendency to emphasize, after World War II, that such a paternalistic ideology could perhaps degenerate more readily than others into blind obedience to the interests of a totalitarian state.
-- <em>The HarperCollins Concise Guide to World Religions</em>. Eliade, Mircea and Couliano, Ioan P.</blockquote>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>Sick.</p>
<p>Neat. x.</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>This place is too empty. Heading down to Boulder :o</p>
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<title>Zk | Hard to tell from this angle...</title>
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<h1>Zk | Hard to tell from this angle...</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2126387800/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2091/2126387800_15cdfe38d0_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2126387800/">IMG_4328</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>...But this fox licks rocks.&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-21 04:33:11</p>
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<title>Zk | Crimmis.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Crimmis.</h1>
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<p>Heading to my mom's. No cell service, but I may have a wee bit o' internet. Back in a few :3</p>
<p>Oh, and happy everything</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-24 16:25:32</p>
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<h1>Zk | Hank</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2135859739/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2312/2135859739_5db1fc6d62_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2135859739/">Hank</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>Hank wishes you a merry Christmas, if you'll just leave him alone and quit taking pictures.&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-25 23:26:22</p>
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<h1>Zk | [no subject]</h1>
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<p>&lt;img src="http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/trustthecorps.png"/</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-28 16:21:48</p>
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<title>Zk | Whups, sorry Andrew.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Whups, sorry Andrew.</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2142396925/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2056/2142396925_e46d549e7e_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2142396925/">IMG_4357</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>I got me some proper shaving implements. Now to learn how to use them. So far, I've just given myself razor burn without actually removing much in the way of hair. I dunno if they're sharp enough.&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-28 17:03:31</p>
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<title>Zk | Savory Mandu</title>
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<h1>Zk | Savory Mandu</h1>
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<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2148152580/" title="photo sharing"><img alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2040/2148152580_06787e859b_m.jpg" style="border: solid 2px #000000;"/></a> <br/> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranna/2148152580/">Savory Mandu</a> <br/> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/ranna/">Drab Makyo</a> </span></div>
<p>Gyoza, potstickers, dumplings, etc. I'm using the Korean name, 'cause these are filled with beef, kimchi, and mushrooms :o9 I'll post more about 'em in <lj user="fursthatcook"></lj>.&lt;br clear="all"/</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-30 03:47:36</p>
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<title>Zk | Well.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Well.</h1>
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<p>Guess I'm headed down to my dad's for New Years, after visiting my step-mom, thus completing the family visits. Oh well, free skiing :o</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-30 22:20:14</p>
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<title>Zk | So.</title>
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<h1>Zk | So.</h1>
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<p>Today's the day I find out whether or not I'll be a finalist in <a href="http://www.fumcftw.org/templates/_fumcftworth/details.asp?id=35708&amp;PID=383032">this.</a> Wish me luck.</p>
<p>I guess I got the wrong date, because I've been working on my New Years resolutions for a little while: switch to composition, be smarter with money to pay off the card, and settle down, finally. Over all, it's been a good year</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2007-12-31 16:22:33</p>
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<title>Zk | Ffff</title>
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<h1>Zk | Ffff</h1>
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<p>My mom got me a decent garment bag for Christmas, and my dad got me a shirt, a tie, and a sports coat (which, I must say, is to die for). I'm not sure if they're collaborating, or hinting than I need to get a job where I'll need these things</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2008-01-01 04:22:46</p>
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<title>Zk | Andrew!</title>
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<h1>Zk | Andrew!</h1>
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<p>You're amazing :3 You totally made my new years eve. FROM THE FUTUER! My new years resolution is to get you drunk more often so that you say more cute things :D</p>
<p>Love you :o</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2008-01-01 05:50:32</p>
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<title>Zk | Huh.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Huh.</h1>
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<p>I was looking into paying off my credit card with a loan at a lower interest rate, but I guess my card's alright. I thought, having gone over the limit once or twice, that my interest rate would be as high as they could push it, but I guess not. Variable interest card means it changes month-to-month and goes up or down as the market changes, but it's not affected by defaulting or going over the limit.</p>
<p>I'd have to get a crazy good rate on a loan to make it worth it :</p>
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<title>Zk | Umf, money.</title>
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<h1>Zk | Umf, money.</h1>
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<p>As always, there's more to the story than just interest rates that should play into my decision on the card and a possible loan. When I checked to see what a loan would be like in the way of monthly payments at similar or lower interest rates, I forgot to take finance charges into account. My plan before now is to just dump everything I can onto the card so that I don't have to worry about budgeting for food, knowing that that's difficult to do. The problem with this, of course is that finance charges are calculated mostly based on purchases on the card. This is shown by the fact that a three year loan at 5% less interest than I'm paying on the card is slightly more than my monthly minimum payment, which I thought was strange considering how long it was taking me to pay off the card, until I realized about half of each payment was going towards finance charges.</p>
<p>So I guess my options are to keep paying off the card at my current rate (not very fast) or take out a loan (not very fast, but certainly more efficient). James would have me take out a student loan, which would have a better interest rate but would make me uncomfortable, never mind my past opinions of his financial advice. I would go with <a href="http://prosper.com">Prosper</a>, which would give me a higher interest rate (still lower than the card), but would fit in more with my ideals and make me feel better for borrowing for the right thing. Nothing's urgent, though, so I have time to research</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2008-01-03 09:38:39</p>
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<title>Zk | ROCK!@</title>
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<h1>Zk | ROCK!@</h1>
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<p>So I started arranging one of my own songs for a rock group, and, although it's not done, I uploaded what I had anyway.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=772193&amp;songID=6133886">Enjoy, or summat.</a></p>
<p>Why, no, I <em>can't</em> write for drums! Thanks for asking :</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2008-01-04 09:01:59</p>
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<title>Zk | I like this one..</title>
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<h1>Zk | I like this one..</h1>
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<ol>
<li><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Ra<wbr/>ndom</a><br/>The first article title on the page is the name of your band.<br/><br/>2. <a href="http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3">http://www.quotationspage.com/random.ph<wbr/>p3</a><br/>The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.<br/><br/>3. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/">http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesti<wbr/>ng/7days/</a><br/>The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.<br/><br/>4.Use your graphics programme of choice to throw them together, and post the result as a comment in this post (optional)</li>
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<p><img src="http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/cover-mindbenders.jpg"/></p>
<p>I added orton, because the text looked bad and that was the lazy way to fix it</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2008-01-04 19:55:47</p>
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