update from sparkleup
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Madison Scott-Clary
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<p>D> Well, it is, but that’s not quite where I was going, hah.</p>
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<p>K> Sorry. I’ll let you type.</p>
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<p>D> I don’t really know what I wanted out of this conversation, to be honest. I wasn’t even intending for it to be a conversation, at least right off the bat. I had a whole email written up that I was going to send you, to be perfectly nerdy about it.</p>
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<p>D> Feelings like this aren’t logical, you know? So I think I just wanted to say that because I don’t know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.</p>
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<p>D> Feelings like this aren’t logical. At least, they don’t feel logical So I think I just wanted to say that because I don’t know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.</p>
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<p>D> And I should add</p>
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<p>D> The goal is specifically not to do that. It wasn’t to try and rope you into something you don’t want to do, and I don’t want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.</p>
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<p>D> The goal is specifically NOT to do that. It wasn’t to try and rope you into something you don’t want to do, and I don’t want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.</p>
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<p>D> Guilt you into it or whatever.</p>
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<p>D> But I did want to talk about it and get it off my chest.</p>
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<p>D> And I guess that’s it.</p>
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@ -57,7 +57,7 @@
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<p>K> And that’s maybe part of it.</p>
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<p>D> How so?</p>
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<p>K> How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe the same stuff?</p>
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<p>K> Doesn’t believe any of it, I mean.</p>
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<p>K> Doesn’t believe ANY of it, I mean.</p>
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<p>K> I’m not going to knock it or anything, but I’m not going to try it, either.</p>
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<p>K> I’m sorry.</p>
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<p>D> Hah.</p>
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@ -69,7 +69,8 @@
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<p>D> And even if a relationship isn’t in our future, that’s totally okay.</p>
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<p>K> Thanks Dee <3</p>
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<p>K> I don’t know, it’s weird.</p>
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<p>K> I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it? Not like you were being a weirdo.</p>
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<p>K> I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it?</p>
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<p>K> Not like you were being a weirdo.</p>
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<p>K> Or any more than usual ☺</p>
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<p>K> Just little things about how you acted when I was over. Nothing bad, just you had a certain distance about you, like you were being extra careful about something or guarding something. Like, every time you came over to my place and wound up sitting in my bed or something, you’d get all quiet.</p>
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<p>K> I realize after the fact that that was probably super weird for you. Sorry about that.</p>
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@ -85,7 +86,8 @@
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<p>D> And honest, I guess.</p>
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<p>D> Uh…and to continue being awkward for at least a moment longer, are you okay remaining friends?</p>
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<p>K> Dee I swear to god</p>
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<p>K> If you did anything to stop being friends with me a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I’d go fucking nuts. We’re friends, okay? If a friendship can’t take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P</p>
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<p>K> If you did anything to make me not want to be your friend any longer a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I’d go fucking nuts because I wasn’t kidding about you being just about the only friend I have that I can talk to.</p>
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<p>K> We’re friends, okay? If a friendship can’t take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P</p>
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<p>D> Haha. Well, good. I’m not keen on getting my ass kicked, and ditto. I’d rather have my nails pulled out that lose you as a friend.</p>
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<p>K> Gross</p>
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<p>K> ☺ </p>
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@ -93,7 +95,7 @@
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<p>K> Even if it isn’t the outcome you wanted?</p>
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<p>D> It’s weird.</p>
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<p>D> I’m not sure what outcome it is that I really wanted.</p>
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<p>D> I mean, not gonna lie, if we’d wound up going out or whatever, that would’ve been nice! But I don’t think that was <em>actually</em> my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.</p>
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<p>D> I mean, not gonna lie, if we’d wound up going out or whatever, that would’ve been nice! But I don’t think that was ACTUALLY my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.</p>
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<p>K> I bet!</p>
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<p>K> How long has it been, anyway?</p>
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<p>K> Shit. If you don’t mind me asking, that is. I don’t want to draw it out if this is just continuing to hurt you or anything ☹</p>
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@ -101,6 +103,7 @@
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<p>D> Way better than an email would have been, yikes.</p>
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<p>D> But it’s been about six months? A bit longer?</p>
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<p>K> Can I just say that you writing up a whole-ass email to tell me that you like me is the most Dee possible thing that I can think of?</p>
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<p>D> Listen.</p>
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<p>D> I set up an archetype for myself and have no choice but to live up to it.</p>
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<p>K> Nerd</p>
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<p>K> What was even in the email?</p>
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@ -129,7 +132,7 @@
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<hr />
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-07-22</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-08-02</p>
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</footer>
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</main>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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@ -16,7 +16,7 @@
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<p>But that said, the nullity is not negative. It is not a lack of any necessity. It is a lack, instead, of the too-full feeling of limerence that had once taken up a full half of my entire being.</p>
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<p>That space, I imagine, will contract. I will slowly retract that distension back into myself. Not the self I used to be, but something new and changed, for after so long of having that bloat, a permanent mark has been left. I am changed. I am different.</p>
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<p>Better? I hope so, but it is yet to be seen.</p>
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<p>For the point of my subconscious exercises has faded. While before I would dream of getting the chance to hold Kay’s hand or to lay in bed next to her or, and let’s not mince words here, as this is what journals are for, make love, I now dream about what that life would have looked like before.</p>
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<p>For the point of my subconscious strain has faded, and only the habit of doing so remains. Where before I would dream of getting the chance to hold Kay’s hand or to lay in bed next to her or, and let’s not mince words here as this is what journals are for, make love, I now dream about what that life would have looked like in greater clarity.</p>
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<p>While before I would construct a counterfactual universe in which we lived a perfect life, in which her fur was as soft as it was in my dreams, I now construct counterfactual universes in which we got together and it was specifically not perfect, and I run down a checklist of all of the things that might have hindered perfection. Religion, sure, but what about that envy I felt at the concert? Would that have carried over? Would I be a possessive partner, or would that have relaxed? And so I imagine both.</p>
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<p>I imagine us a few years down the line, sharing an apartment. I imagine which of us would have to move. Would I move my practice to Boise? Would she be content, as a musician, to live out here in Sawtooth? We have a good enough music program at the university that she got her bachelors out here, but that presupposes the fact that she might want to teach.</p>
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<p>And how would us living together look, anyway? I have my little one-bedroom apartment that suits me in particular due to its solitude. It faces a ruddy creek that has been gussied up into something grander through landscaping and a bike path. I like my solitude, but living together means having someone constantly in your space. Where would I get that solitude?</p>
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@ -39,7 +39,7 @@
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<hr />
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-07-22</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-08-02</p>
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</footer>
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</main>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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@ -140,12 +140,12 @@
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<li class="done3"> B: <a href="plan-2.html">Ask God</a> — Talks to god</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="beats/10-grand-gesture.html">Grand gesture</a><ul>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="90.html">90</a> — The Conversation™ (winds up not actually sending the email ha ha whoops, just starts conversation over text)</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="beats/10-grand-gesture.html">Grand gesture</a><ul>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="90.html">90</a> — The Conversation™ (winds up not actually sending the email ha ha whoops, just starts conversation over text)</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="beats/11-ends-with-no.html">Ends with “no”</a><ul>
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<li class="done2"> A: Kay had picked up on it, decides pretty firmly on her end that she wants to keep friendship. Sigh, ah well. (merged with above)</li>
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<li class="done3"> <a href="beats/11-ends-with-no.html">Ends with “no”</a><ul>
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<li class="done3"> A: Kay had picked up on it, decides pretty firmly on her end that she wants to keep friendship. Sigh, ah well. (merged with above)</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li class="done2"> <a href="beats/12-payoff.html">Payoff</a> (probably just one chapter of what-ifs)<ul>
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