update from sparkleup
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Madison Scott-Clary
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<p>“I have no plans of leaving the Church.”</p>
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<p>“Of course, Dee. I have no doubts as to your faith.”</p>
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<p>“But…?”</p>
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<p>Borenson sighed, set the pencil down. “Your studies are fine. Better than fine, I’m told. Your teachers speak highly of your writing. That’s only half of the program, though. You came here for an MDiv, and the end goal of that program is ministry. Your skills in scripture and apologetics, in books, are admirable, but would make for an incomplete degree. We’ve talked before about you heading for a masters of theology instead, but you balked at that.”</p>
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<p>The coyote canted his ears back, grit his teeth, and masked his frustration as best he could. “With all due respect, Father, my concerns about a Th.M stand. Yes, I could be helping with my research and writing, but I need something more immediate.”</p>
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<p>Borenson sighed, set the pencil down. “Your studies are fine. Better than fine, I’m told. Your teachers speak highly of your writing. That’s only half of the program, though. You came here for an masters of divinity, though, and the end goal of that program is ministry. Your skills in scripture and apologetics, in books, are admirable, but would make for an incomplete degree. We’ve talked before about you heading for a masters of theology instead, but you balked at that.”</p>
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<p>The coyote canted his ears back, gritted his teeth, and masked his frustration as best he could. “With all due respect, Father, my concerns about a Th.M stand. Yes, I’m sure I’d be helping the world with research and writing, but I need something more immediate. I need to give direct help, and there’s just too much remove if all I’m doing is writing.”</p>
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<p>There was a pause as Borenson seemed to manage some equal frustration before he spoke. “Mr. Kimana, an education such as this requires both flexibility and devotion. Both a Th.M and MDiv would require that. Now–” He held up his paws as if to forestall a rebuttal. “I am not accusing you of lacking in either department to a level where I feel you are not a good degree candidate, but if the doubts in your head are strong enough that you feel you need to leave, I would only be doing your future vocation a disservice by trying to make you stay.”</p>
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<p>Dee dropped his gaze once more. He spread his fingers, tracing with his eyes the subtle grain on the pads of his paws, the long-healed callouses. </p>
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<p>This was a constant in Dee’s life, this sort of discussion. He would research and research and research, come to a conclusion, and when he’d state what he’d learned, the conversation would go sideways. Both he and his interlocutor would wind up frustrated and stressed with no visible reason why.</p>
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<p>“If you’re not comfortable switching to a Th.M, perhaps it’s time to consider switching focuses,” the dog said gently. “Perhaps Saint John’s just isn’t the best fit for you.”</p>
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<p>“I get it,” Dee mumbled.</p>
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<p>The Saint Bernard looked cautious, waited for him to continue.</p>
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<p>“I mean, I get what you’re saying. I think…” He swallowed drily, straightened up in his chair. “I think agree, too.”</p>
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<p>“I mean, I get what you’re saying. I think…” He swallowed drily, straightened up in his chair. “I think agree, too.” There it was. There was the admission. He’d said it at last.</p>
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<p>His advisor visibly relaxed.</p>
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<p>“I know I said so before, but I just want to make sure; you know that this is about my vocation, not my faith, right?”</p>
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<p>Borenson barked a laugh, before his expression softened. “I’m sorry. Dee, I believe you. You are one of the most devout students I have. Your decision about your degree may not have been a total surprise to me, but if you had said you were leaving the church, I think I would have called for a doctor.”</p>
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<p>Borenson barked a laugh, before his expression softened. “I’m sorry, Dee, I shouldn’t have laughed. I believe you. You are one of the most devout students I have. Your decision about your degree may not have been a total surprise to me, but if you had said you were leaving the church, I think I would have called for a doctor.”</p>
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<p>Dee smiled through his shame.</p>
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<hr />
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<p>As promised, Dee was not run out of the campus in the dark of night. He was given the remainder of the month to wrap up his affairs and attend to the task of packing his meager belongings in order to move out of his room and bus back to Idaho, to Sawtooth. To home.</p>
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<p>Inwardly, Dee was doing his best to let go. Let go of this place. Let go of his study. Let go of the idea of what life would be like that he had built up to over so long a time. <em>I admire the virtues which adorned your soul: love of God and neighbor, humility, obedience, patience, purity and the spirit of sacrifice. Help me to imitate your example in my state of life.</em></p>
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<p>“Right,” the Saint Bernard nodded. “Just turns out you and the Church get along better as friends than in…well, the metaphor breaks down somewhat here, but you can see how ordination is rather like marriage.”</p>
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<p>He smiled weakly. “Yeah.”</p>
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<p>“All this is to say that I think you’re doing the right thing, because no one wants a bitter priest. Some folks might think ill of you, but don’t worry about them. You’ve got your path ahead of you still.”</p>
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<p>“All this is to say that I think you’re doing the right thing, because no one wants a bitter priest. Some folks might think ill of you, but don’t worry about them. You’ve got your path ahead of you still, and God needs saints more than He needs priests.”</p>
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<p><em>Through the goodness and mercy of God, Who has blessed you with so many graces which led you to the true faith and to a high degree of holiness, pray to God for me and help me.</em></p>
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<p>Dee stared at the statue of the coyote. He knew that if he were to try and look at Father Borenson, to engage with this conversation any more directly, he would not be able to keep from crying.</p>
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<p>“I’ll leave you be, Dee, but before I do, I’m curious. What will you do after this?”</p>
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<p>“I wish you the best of luck. You’re always welcome to come visit.” The dog relinquished his grip, turned to the statue, crossed himself, and walked back toward campus.</p>
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<p>Alone again, Dee turned from the statue and stared out over the lake. One final time, he asked if he was doing the right thing, and one final time, God spoke to him in the gentle lapping of the water at the shore, in the quiet hum of a bee in flight, in the sweet taste of surety in his mouth.</p>
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<p>He stretched, crossed himself before the statue of St. Kateri Tekakwitha, brushed his fingertips over her stone paws, and then began to walk back through the campus.</p>
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<p>It was a long trip home.</p>
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<p>It would be a long trip home.</p>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-04-19</p>
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