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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2021-01-24 23:05:08 -08:00
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<p>We talked for a bit longer on the subject, but as the time drew to a close, Jeremy suggested, &ldquo;I think you should talk to Kay soon. Why don&rsquo;t you see if you can bring up how you feel about her some time before we meet next? It doesn&rsquo;t have to be an attempt to start a relationship or anything. Even just telling her that you&rsquo;ve been thinking about her would be a good step forward.&rdquo;</p>
<p>So I suppose that is what is on my plate. She and I talk every day, these days, and so I will have plenty of opportunity to do so. Perhaps I will aim to do so tomorrow, as I&rsquo;d like to see how I feel when talking to her tonight without bringing this up, knowing that doing so in the future is a hard and fast goal for me.</p>
<hr />
<p>I was not able to do it.</p>
<p>Kay just went to bed after we spent much of the night talking over text, and I just wasn&rsquo;t able to bring myself to bring up the way I feel about her.</p>
<p>It&rsquo;s maddening. I&rsquo;ve never been so frustrated by the fact that I felt I was putting on a charade. It is not dissimilar from masking, which I do often during therapy with clients, but have never had to do with Kay until recently. Why would I have to pretend to be some sort of normal around a friend? And yet here I am, pretending I&rsquo;m not falling asleep thinking about holding her paw every night.</p>
<p>Holding her paw! What garbage.</p>
<p>I talk with her like I talk with strangers. I make a stranger out of myself, it seems, though she has not said anything about the way I have been acting. I reread each message countless times before sending it just to make sure that it is plausibly normal, that I am not in some way tipping my hand, that I am being kind without being intrusive, that I am being invested without being obsessed.</p>
<p>I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.</p>
<p>What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left seminary.</p>
<p>(Dee talks to Kay but chickens out trying to bring up emotions, and instead brings up the topic of leaving the church)</p>
<hr />
<p>(Dee at therapy, brings up his unwillingness to talk even though it&rsquo;s been two weeks, saying that he doesn&rsquo;t want to say something to her that she might feel obligated to say yes to without actually wanting that, Jeremy brings up vulnerability)</p>