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update from sparkleup

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Madison Scott-Clary 2020-04-11 03:37:23 -07:00
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diary/2020-04-09.html
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<h1>2020-04-09</h1>
</header>
<article class="content">
<p>
<span id="-hybrid"></span><span class="tag" id="hybrid">hybrid</span> <span id="-diary"></span><span class="tag" id="diary">diary</span> <span id="-covid-19"></span><span class="tag" id="covid-19">covid-19</span> <span id="-executive-function"></span><span class="tag" id="executive-function">executive-function</span> <span id="-writing"></span><span class="tag" id="writing">writing</span>
</p>
<p>
I'm trying to get over this executive dysfunction hump, but it's proving difficult. I've been hearing a lot of folks talk about how the panic of this whole pandemic, the very trauma of it, affects us even when it doesn't feel like it is.
</p>
<p>
In my case, I guess it's at least a bit more obvious, given the ongoing unemployment and financial struggles, but even when I'm not thinking about those, I feel like I'm wading through mud when trying to even get down to Hybrid stuff. It's like there's this goal I have and I'm terrified of reaching it. It has me wondering how much burnout has left me...well, still burnt out. Burnout from work leading to burnout in life. It makes me feel dull. Stupid.
</p>
<p>
Oh well.
</p>
<div id="Todo"><h2 id="Todo" class="header"><a href="#Todo">Todo</a></h2></div>
<p><span class="tag">hybrid</span> <span class="tag">diary</span> <span class="tag">covid-19</span> <span class="tag">executive-function</span> <span class="tag">writing</span></p>
<p>I'm trying to get over this executive dysfunction hump, but it's proving difficult. I've been hearing a lot of folks talk about how the panic of this whole pandemic, the very trauma of it, affects us even when it doesn't feel like it is.</p>
<p>In my case, I guess it's at least a bit more obvious, given the ongoing unemployment and financial struggles, but even when I'm not thinking about those, I feel like I'm wading through mud when trying to even get down to Hybrid stuff. It's like there's this goal I have and I'm terrified of reaching it. It has me wondering how much burnout has left me...well, still burnt out. Burnout from work leading to burnout in life. It makes me feel dull. Stupid.</p>
<p>Oh well.</p>
<h2>Todo</h2>
<ul>
<li class="done0">
Respond to Hybrid authors
<li class="done0">
Pay Small Loves authors
<li class="done0">
Finish Acethetic reading
<li class="done0">
Patreon posts for Qoheleth
<li class="done3">
Write a chapter, edit a chapter
<li class="done0"> Respond to Hybrid authors</li>
<li class="done0"> Pay Small Loves authors</li>
<li class="done0"> Finish Acethetic reading</li>
<li class="done0"> Patreon posts for Qoheleth</li>
<li class="done3"> Write a chapter, edit a chapter</li>
</ul>
</article>
<footer>
<p>Page generated on 2020-04-09</p>
<p>Page generated on 2020-04-11</p>
</footer>
</main>
</body>

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</header>
<article class="content">
<p><span class="tag">diary</span> <span class="tag">executive-function</span> <span class="tag">depression</span> <span class="tag">covid-19</span></p>
<p>Another day of depression, another day of failing to do the things that I need to do. I still feel the tendrils of burnout pulling me down. They\'re trapping me and keeping me from moving on with my life. The minute I have a task that I need to complete that involves any sort of organization, I just...can\'t. I sit and stare at the screen. I panic. I dissociate. I cry. I sit on the couch with my phone and watch <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbFT7kCFo9Q" title="wikilink">wordless</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvL83-iy-EQ" title="wikilink">competency</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PwAQZNLy0I" title="wikilink">porn</a>. Is there any reason I should do anything other than fall short of expectations?</p>
<p>Obviously that\'s not quite how the world works. Authors need to be paid, emails need responding to, tasks need completed. Until WA gets their unemployment system fixed, I need to keep on top of applying for jobs. These are all things I _need_ to do, and yet they are things that I have so much trouble actually doing.</p>
<p>Maybe it\'s burnout, but maybe it\'s just the usual depression mixed with the hopelessness inherent in both another failed election cycle and a global pandemic. Who knows?</p>
<p>Another day of depression, another day of failing to do the things that I need to do. I still feel the tendrils of burnout pulling me down. They're trapping me and keeping me from moving on with my life. The minute I have a task that I need to complete that involves any sort of organization, I just...can't. I sit and stare at the screen. I panic. I dissociate. I cry. I sit on the couch with my phone and watch <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbFT7kCFo9Q">wordless</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvL83-iy-EQ">competency</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PwAQZNLy0I">porn</a>. Is there any reason I should do anything other than fall short of expectations?</p>
<p>Obviously that's not quite how the world works. Authors need to be paid, emails need responding to, tasks need completed. Until WA gets their unemployment system fixed, I need to keep on top of applying for jobs. These are all things I <em>need</em> to do, and yet they are things that I have so much trouble actually doing.</p>
<p>Maybe it's burnout, but maybe it's just the usual depression mixed with the hopelessness inherent in both another failed election cycle and a global pandemic. Who knows?</p>
<p>I just sit here, dilating for too long, and try not to think.</p>
<h2>Todo</h2>
<ul>
<li>[ ] Respond to Hybrid authors</li>
<li>[ ] Pay Small Loves authors</li>
<li>[ ] Finish Acethetic reading</li>
<li>[ ] Patreon posts for Qoheleth</li>
<li>[X] Write a chapter, edit a chapter</li>
<li class="done0"> Respond to Hybrid authors</li>
<li class="done0"> Pay Small Loves authors</li>
<li class="done0"> Finish Acethetic reading</li>
<li class="done0"> Patreon posts for Qoheleth</li>
<li class="done4"> Write a chapter, edit a chapter</li>
</ul>
</article>
<footer>