update from sparkleup
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Madison Scott-Clary
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<article class="content">
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<h1 id="critiques-2">Critiques 2</h1>
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<ul>
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<li>Kiri:</li>
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<li>Al:</li>
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<li>Kyell:</li>
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<li>Dayna:</li>
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<li>Kiri:<ul>
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<li>Twists and turns, interested to see where it would go/pan out</li>
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<li>Neat to see it pivot to Ursula’s from Sim’s</li>
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<li>Nice to see characters from the wrong side, more chaotic</li>
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<li>Bit more characterization from Ursula early on, comes off as Sim being her hype man</li>
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<li>Dialog, had to read it over, aimless</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Al:<ul>
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<li>Beautifully written, lyrical, poetic, like listening to a song</li>
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<li>Themes/motifs of opposites: size differences</li>
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<li>How many terms the words jump can mean (Sim needs to jump, Ursula jumping people, Sim jumping Ursula’s bones, literal jump at the end)</li>
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<li>Startup/Index area</li>
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<li>Run-ons were kind of nice to make the action move faster</li>
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<li>Some words repetitive close to one another</li>
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<li>Ending emotional, want to believe she’s running away to a better life.</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Kyell:<ul>
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<li>Nervous because more personal? Done quickly? Hope you’ve been reassured</li>
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<li>Works well as is, more about shoring up what’s there and adding texture</li>
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<li>Voice is very strong:<ul>
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<li>familiar, echoing folk songs/tales</li>
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<li>feels like someone telling about what <em>really</em> happened</li>
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<li>Sim’s voice within the voice is a pleasure b/c it’s jumpy</li>
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<li>Ursula has a voice, even though she has no dialog, it’s still present in the descriptions and physicality</li>
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<li>Two or three sex scenes in one sentence each, works despite not getting the scene</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Thematic meanings of jump</li>
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<li>Contrast between the early part and later part:<ul>
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<li>early part is very grounded, enjoyably so</li>
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<li>Ending part, a lot of space spent on parts where there was less</li>
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<li>After the convenience store, there’s a shift toward imagination</li>
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<li>Kind of drop back to the real world, but still, Sim is imagining Ursula</li>
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<li>Then on to magical realism</li>
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<li>Signal the transition between physical and imagined worlds</li>
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<li>Head toward magical realism, bounce around in the middle, which can work, but feels a little arbitrary</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Opportunity to show us more about the relationship between Sim and Ursula:<ul>
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<li>What’s the snap/final straw?</li>
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<li>How many times has he made that speech about going straight?</li>
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<li>A bit tricky b/c Ursula doesn’t speak, so we don’t hear “I’ve heard this 10 times before” or, re: abusive relationship, “Maybe he really means it this time”</li>
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<li>Maybe the convenience store is the last straw? “This has to be it, why do they keep having to go off and do other things” - maybe bring that back?</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Four possible stories<sup id="fnref:fivesections"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:fivesections">1</a></sup>:<ul>
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<li>Internal story</li>
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<li>Interpersonal story</li>
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<li>External story (plot)</li>
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<li>World story</li>
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<li>In a novel, have all four, but in short story, usually just three</li>
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<li>May not need the fourth, but it might help solidify it:<ul>
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<li>Why does Ursula need to say?</li>
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<li>Why do they need to keep doing this?</li>
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<li>In abusive relationships, there’s usually a reason (imagined or otherwise) why they stay</li>
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<li>Maybe just a couple of sentences for a little more background without having to be specific to the characters themselves</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Dayna:<ul>
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<li>A joy to read</li>
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<li>cool things being done with voice:<ul>
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<li>Integral to forming the story from the beginning, whereas that usually comes in later drafts</li>
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<li>Sim’s voice is pretty complete for characterization, good for other stuff in intermediary way</li>
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<li>Narrator voice:<ul>
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<li>I/we is good</li>
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<li>Refrains for days - bought repetitions more than might have otherwise done because of song-like aspect</li>
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<li>Narrative folk song</li>
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<li>Indirect characterization - opposites serve well, showing what the other is not</li>
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<li>Noverbal character (or is she…?):<ul>
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<li>Veering towards Sim’s style, so Sim probably just hears a mumble</li>
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<li>…</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Imagine/suppose:<ul>
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<li>sometimes whistful</li>
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<li>Sometimes definitely supposed to infer, or infer the opposite</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Narrator voice can make one further jump before the last jump (the biggest jump)</li>
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<li>Need more outright shift their eye to Ursula according to what she really wants, as opposed to Sim rewriting her</li>
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<li>Before Ursula’s flight through the woods, need more from Ursula</li>
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<li>It’s like an ache, endless pining on of smaller bummers, but we miss the actual snap</li>
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<li>Want the clear eye turned on Ursula so that we can’t doubt it</li>
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<li>Vagueness around “time passes, and <em>someone</em> saw her”</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Unreliable narrator narrating an unreliable character who is narrating the other character unreliably, jumping to conclusions - Sim is trying to overwrite her presently, but also into her future</li>
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<li>Ambiguous ending that intends to be ambiguous and restructures the stuff before</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Makyo:</li>
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</ul>
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<div class="footnote">
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<hr />
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<ol>
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<li id="fn:fivesections">
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<p>FIVE SCAFFOLDINGS WHEN YOU WISH TO BOOK A THING</p>
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<p>PLOT
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Any meaningful action in a book— every time something moves a little bit in the book— every happening. Example: “The king died, and the queen died.”</p>
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<p>STORY
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The causality that ties the plot elements together and makes them make sense/be compelling. (Without this, plot would be just a bunch of stuff happening.) Example: “The king died, and the queen died of grief.”</p>
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<p>STRUCTURE (**this vs. Narrative is when vs. how)
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The order in which you tell these things, the presentation element, the revelation of information.</p>
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<p>VOICE
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The words that the characters use to communicate the story, to communicate with the reader (POV, protag, etc.)</p>
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<p>NARRATIVE (TONE) (this vs. Structure is how vs. when)
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Style description, the actual presentation of the words to the reader, the mannerisms you choose for the phrasing of the story.</p>
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<p>THERE ARE FOUR STREAMS OF STORY THAT EVERY BOOK SHOULD HAVE
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In a world that’s suitably complex, each of these streams should change significantly. If one chapter is high-intensity INTERNAL, the next might be INTERPERSONAL, or one of the others. Transfer between the streams in terms of focus chapter to the following.</p>
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<p>Your character’s INTERNAL</p>
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<p>INTERPERSONAL</p>
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<p>EXTERNAL (plot)</p>
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<p>WORLD STREAM (the way in which the world is changing) <a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:fivesections" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">↩</a></p>
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</li>
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</ol>
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</div>
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</article>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2021-06-10</p>
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