update from sparkleup
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<p>The next few days passed in relative peace. There were no fights between the two skunks, and while, at least once a day, they set up a cone of silence to talk about whatever it was that True Name had discussed that first time, there were no more instances of May falling apart or True Name wearing herself out quite so badly. The discussions sounded serious, and never quite friendly, but ey was at least somewhat happy to see the two cocladists talking without quite so much ire between them.</p>
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<p>May wasn’t the only one, either. At one point, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself and one of her up-tree instances, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress visited to talk with True Name. Both were far more earnest in their affection to her, which she seemed to welcome with a sense of cautious relief. Ey supposed it made sense, given A Finger Pointing’s habit of making friends with everyone she could.</p>
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<p>The next few days passed in relative peace. There were no fights between the two skunks, and while, at least once a day, they set up a cone of silence to talk about whatever it was that True Name had discussed that first time, there were no more instances of May falling apart or True Name wearing herself out quite so badly. The discussions sounded serious, and never quite friendly, but ey was at least somewhat happy to see the two talking without quite so much ire between them.</p>
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<p>May wasn’t the only one, either. At one point, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself and one of her up-tree instances, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress visited to talk with True Name. Both were far more earnest in their affection toward her, which she seemed to welcome with a sense of cautious relief. Ey supposed it made sense, given A Finger Pointing’s habit of making friends with everyone she could.</p>
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<p>Ey’d only met Slow Hours once prior and, while she was just as friendly as her down-tree instance, she also seemed somewhat removed from the world as a whole, as though seeing just a little more than everyone around her. “Clairvoyance,” A Finger Pointing had whispered to em after that first introduction. “She has the outline of the world.”</p>
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<p>They talked for nearly three hours that afternoon, breaking only to get more water part way through. When they were finished, True Name looked wrung out, though not unhappy. A Finger Pointing mostly looked confused and concerned while Slow Hours kept her faraway, nearly delphic smile. Both were patterned after the human Michelle rather than the skunk Sasha, lending an additional layer of uncanniness in their similarities to May and True Name, even across species.</p>
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<p>Curiouser and curiouser. Ey’d always pictured A Finger Pointing’s stanza as one of the more liberal ones, and had early on noticed that the liberal Odists had largely distanced themselves from the more conservative ones. To have two of them specifically drop by to visit True Name was quite surprising.</p>
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<p>It was her discussions with End Waking that really knocked em off-kilter, though. Her visits to his forest sim came at least once a day, and it wasn’t until the fourth that she was willing to share anything about their conversations.</p>
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<p>“Wait, what? End Waking wants to merge down? I can’t even imagine that.”</p>
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<p>“That is what we have been talking about, yes. I shared…I mean, I told him what she told me, and it has changed things.”</p>
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<p>“Are you sure that’s even a good idea?” ey asked when she explained her idea. “I mean, won’t that just make her feel worse if she also has to deal with all of that regret?”</p>
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<p>“Are you sure that’s even a good idea?” ey asked. “I mean, won’t that just make her feel worse if she also has to deal with all of that regret?”</p>
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<p>May fiddled with the corner of the top sheet. They’d sat up in bed, the topic not feeling quite right for pillow-talk. “Possibly, yes. I do not think that it would be permanently detrimental. If she has a fuller view of the world, perhaps she will be better able to engage with it with empathy.”</p>
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<p>Ey held eir gaze steady, frowning. “I don’t think you’re giving her enough credit on the empathy front.”</p>
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<p>She clutched the sheet tightly in her fists, visibly counting to ten, then sighed. “Yes. You are right, Ioan. I am primed to see less in her than you, I think.</p>
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<p>May nodded.</p>
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<p>They stayed quiet until they worked their way under the covers again, cozying up for sleep, when May murmured, “I have to believe that she is a good person, or at least capable of being one. For my sake, I have to at least try to believe that.”</p>
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<p>Ey kissed the back of her ears and shushed her to sleep.</p>
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<p>What kept coming back again and again was the feeling of just how small this project felt — if ey’d been assigned to it as amanuensis, might as well call it what it was. There were so few people involved. True Name and Jonas, then em, May, and End Waking on the periphery. Five people, three clades. It was intimate, in that sense. True Name and Jonas were larger-than-life most of the time, but having been forced into sharing space with her, ey was far more able to see the True Name of today as just someone in over her head and Jonas as a power-hungry asshole.</p>
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<p>And then there was emself, caught in the middle as Codrin#Castor had felt almost four years back.</p>
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<p>What kept coming back again and again was the feeling of just how small this project felt — if ey’d been assigned to it as amanuensis, might as well call it what it was. There were so few people involved. True Name and Jonas, then em, May, and End Waking on the periphery. Five people, three clades. It was intimate, in that sense. True Name and Jonas were larger-than-life most of the time, but having been forced into sharing space with her, ey was far more able to see the True Name of today as just someone caught up in a storm and Jonas as the force behind that storm.</p>
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<p>And then there was emself, as powerless as Codrin#Castor had felt almost four years back.</p>
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<p>The next morning saw both of the skunks more relaxed than ey’d seen them yet. They talked pleasantly over breakfast, and True Name even stuck around, sitting on the couch and watching the snow melt off the balcony while May and Ioan worked, her on her monologue and em reading back through the volume of <em>An Expanded History of Our World</em> that focused on the Council of Eight — and the Odist and Jonas clades — in the centuries after its dissolution.</p>
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<p>After lunch, True Name returned to the couch with a glass of water and, after a moment’s hesitation, May had joined her.</p>
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<p>“Why are you spending today out here?” she asked, finally voicing a question ey’d kept to emself until now.</p>
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<p>“Honest answer or pithy one?”</p>
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<p>“Both?”</p>
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<p>“Both.”</p>
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<p>True Name laughed. “The pithy one is that I am bored and lonely, and this seems to be my best bet at solving either. The honest answer is that I am bored and lonely and, even if the circumstances are not ideal, I want to at least try not to mope in my room all day.”</p>
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<p>“You’ve said you spend most of your time working interacting with your instances, yeah,” Ioan said. “I imagine it’s been pretty quiet.”</p>
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<p>“Yes. My instances, some up-tree cocladists, instances of Jonas, those of my…friends.” The last word sounded almost bashful for reasons ey couldn’t place. She shrugged and continued, “And now I am without all of those. No instances, none of my up-tree cocladists are responding, I do not wish to speak with Jonas for obvious reasons, and the relationships I have with my friends are all bound up in that.”</p>
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<p>“You’ve said you spend most of your time working interacting with your instances, yeah,” Ioan said, turning eir desk chair to face the couch. “I imagine it’s been pretty quiet.”</p>
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<p>“Yes. My instances, some up-tree cocladists, instances of Jonas, those of my…friends.” The last word sounded almost bashful for reasons ey couldn’t place. She shrugged and continued, “And now I am without all of those. No instances, none of my up-tree cocladists are responding, I do not wish to speak with Jonas for obvious reasons, and the relationships I have with my friends are largely bound up in that.”</p>
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<p>May nodded. “I do not know if we are the ideal company for you, given our interests, but at least we can try, I suppose.”</p>
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<p>“For which I am endlessly appreciative,” True Name confirmed. “Though I do still miss routine. Good company and productive company do not necessarily overlap.”</p>
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<p>”‘<em>Productive</em> company’?”</p>
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<p>Ioan frowned as well. Intuition told em the discussion they’d had earlier was quickly moving beyond hypothetical. “May, are you sure–“</p>
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<p>True Name jolted upright in her seat on the couch. “What the fuck is–“</p>
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<p>“Accept it,” May said, and ey could see the full force of all her centuries of earnestness focused on her cocladist; earnestness, kindness, the right tone, the perfect cant of ears and bristle of whiskers, all of it fine tuned to show her just what she needed to see. “It will only help, True Name.”</p>
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<p>Her face contorting with the strain of holding what must be a very large high priority merge at bay without either remembering or forgetting it, True Name gasped. “May… May Then… Why…”</p>
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<p>Her face contorting with the strain of holding what must be a very large high-priority merge from End Waking at bay without either remembering or forgetting it, True Name gasped. “May… May Then… Why…”</p>
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<p>May’s expression softened further, picking up a hopeful smile. “Please, my dear. I think you need this. I think we <em>all</em> need this, if we are to move forward, if you are to be able to move past what Jonas wants of you. Please accept. Please.”</p>
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<p>True Name nodded shakily, attempted a dry swallow, and then let End Waking’s centuries of memories crash into her.</p>
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<p>The change was immediate and more dramatic than ey’d anticipated. Ey had been expecting a shell-shocked look and maybe a few minutes of silence, but instead True Name’s expression melted into a glazed, ischemic stupor. The glass of water she’d been clutching at but had yet to drink tumbled to the floor and, as all her muscles gave out at once, she began to slide off the couch.</p>
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<p>After lingering a moment longer, she stood shakily, took Ioan’s hand in her paw and led em to the balcony despite the cold. As soon as the door shut behind them, she burst into tears.</p>
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<p>Ey guided her carefully to the bench swing to sit her down, letting her cry herself out against eir shoulder.</p>
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<p>“I am sorry, my dear,” she said when she could speak again at last. “Really, truly sorry.”</p>
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<p>Ey shook eir head, kissing her atop the head. “You don’t need to apologize to me. Is she alright?”</p>
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<p>Ey shook eir head, kissing her between the ears. “You don’t need to apologize to me. Is she alright?”</p>
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<p>“She should be,” she mumbled.</p>
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<p>“Alright. I’m more confused than anything. Was that your and End Waking’s plan?”</p>
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<p>She pressed closer to em. “That was him merging back down, yes. We have been discussing it for days, now. I did not expect that, though,” she said, and ey could hear that she was on the verge of crying once more. “I never intended to hurt her.”</p>
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<p>“Can you explain what happened, at least?”</p>
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<p>She nodded, swallowing down that wave of tears as best she could. “We are good at forking and merging. Very, <em>very</em> good at it. I am pretty sure you know that, though.”</p>
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<p>“Did something go wrong, then?”</p>
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<p>“End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half; even when Michelle quit, all she had to do was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.”</p>
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<p>“End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half. Even when Michelle quit, all she had to do was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.”</p>
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<p>Eir frown deepened. Ey thought ey could tell where this was going. “Aren’t those usually just when memories don’t line up, though?”</p>
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<p>May gave the barest hint of a shrug against em. “You have met her, and you have met him. Their viewpoints are almost diametrically opposed, yes?”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded.</p>
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<p>There was a long silence before she replied. Ey watched her count her breaths, one of the exercises that had worked best to ground her. At least, she counted as best she could between sniffles.</p>
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<p>“I think,” she started, then cleared her throat. “I <em>know</em> a part of me was acting out of vengeance.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. “We’ve talked about that, yeah.”</p>
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<p>“Right. I think that part was hoping that it would be a rough merge to knock her down a peg, yes,” she said, then let out a shaky sigh. “I did not think it would be this bad, though. I am really sorry, Ioan. I want to be a good person.”</p>
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<p>“Right. I think that part was hoping that it would be a rough merge to knock her down a peg, yes,” she said, then let out a shaky sigh. She was starting to shiver from the cold. “I did not think it would be this bad, though. I am really sorry, Ioan. I want to be a good person.”</p>
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<p>Hugging her tightly to em, ey said, “It’s okay, May. We’ll just have to see what comes of it.”</p>
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<p>She nodded, fell back into breathing exercises.</p>
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<p>“And I believe you when you say you didn’t want to hurt her. Both those–“</p>
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<p>Ioan backed slowly out of the room, sliding the door shut quietly behind em. May sounded on the verge of tears once more, but, of all the things ey was not supposed to fix, perhaps least able to fix, this certainly felt like the top of the list.</p>
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<footer>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-06</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-09-13</p>
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