update from sparkleup
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<p>Ey shook eir head and stood again, grabbing eir notebook. “Skunks. I swear…”</p>
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<p>Ey stepped out of the sim before she could kick eir shin.</p>
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<p>Ey ordered eir usual coffee and staked out eir usual spot on the couch. Rather than getting to work while ey waited for True Name, ey simply sat and enjoyed eir coffee as best ey could, staring off into nothing while mulling over May’s words.</p>
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<p><em>You will be okay, right?</em> Ey frowned and shifted eir gaze down to eir coffee, half gone by now. There were relatively few things that would bring about such anxiety in eir partner, and ey knew the majority of them stemmed from within herself.</p>
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<p>Her down-tree instance was another source, although that hatred she’d borne for so long had softened to something more like distaste of late. She’d occasionally gotten upset at em, usually when ey’d not picked up on some cue that she’d given for some emotional need ey wasn’t meeting. Both of those she’d express as best she could after the initial burst of anxiety.</p>
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<p><em>You will be okay, right?</em></p>
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<p>Ey frowned and shifted eir gaze down to eir coffee, half gone by now. There were relatively few things that would bring about such anxiety in eir partner, and ey knew the majority of them stemmed from within herself.</p>
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<p>She’d occasionally gotten upset at em, usually when ey’d not picked up on some cue that she’d given for some emotional need ey wasn’t meeting. Both of those she’d express as best she could after the initial burst of anxiety. Her down-tree instance was another source, though that hatred she’d borne for so long had softened to something more like distaste of late.</p>
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<p>All of the other times, though, had come from within. Whatever dire emotions that dwelt beneath the chipper, goofy, sarcastic, and delightfully earnest layer that made up the most of her would peek through and a little spark of something more profound and inexplicable would come over her. </p>
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<p>Ey frowned down to eir coffee, and considered whether ey should start laying in supplies for her overflowing. If this was the first sign, though, ey at least had some time yet.</p>
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<p>“Mx. Bălan?”</p>
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@ -64,7 +65,7 @@
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<p>Ioan had to focus on keeping eir expression neutral. True Name hadn’t always had the kindest of words for the self-proclaimed liberal Odists. “I’ll admit, I was worried as to how the book would go over with the conservatives.”</p>
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<p>“There were no assassins in the night, I trust?” she asked, grinning.</p>
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<p>“Uh…well, no,” ey stammered, caught off guard by the humor. “Actually, no contact at all. I don’t think I’ve even talked about what happened with the other side of the clade until now.”</p>
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<p>“‘The other side of the clade’ is a more appropriate phrase, is it not? We are spread along a spectrum. Those like Dear, May Then My Name, and Hammered Silver at one end, those such as Praiseworthy, Those Who Forge, and Teeth Of Death somewhere in the middle, and then me and my ilk on the other. Death Itself and her stanza, out of all of us, seemed to have escaped that spectrum.” The skunk finished her coffee to give a moment of silence, then leaned forward to set her cup down before continuing. “To soothe any fears you may have, it was not me who hired Guōweī, nor am I pleased with what happened and how.”</p>
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<p>“‘The other side of the clade’ is a more appropriate phrase, is it not? We are spread along a spectrum. Those like Dear, May Then My Name, and Hammered Silver at one end, those such as Praiseworthy, Those Who Forge, and Teeth Of Death somewhere in the middle, and then me and my ilk on the other. Death Itself and her stanza, out of all of us, seemed to have escaped that spectrum.” The skunk finished her coffee sitting in a silence for a minute, an acknowledgement of the losses from that stanza, then leaned forward to set her cup down before continuing. “To soothe any fears you may have, it was not me who hired Guōweī, nor am I pleased with what happened and how.”</p>
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<p>“Who did? Do you know?”</p>
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<p>She smiled pityingly at em. “Ioan, please.”</p>
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<p>“Right, of course you do. I don’t imagine you feel comfortable telling me who, though.”</p>
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<p>“Yes, and mystery plays a role in that. This is why we suggested you not publish the clade-side report. There is an appropriate level of mystery in what you did publish that aligned with our goals.”</p>
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<p>“So, similar to what you and Jonas did with the <em>History</em>.”</p>
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<p>There was the briefest flicker of a wince on the skunk’s face at the mention of Jonas, quickly mastered. She replaced it with a smile and gave a hint of a bow. “Yes. In a relatively short time, both have started to fade into a near mythical status. A credit to your skills as a writer, Mx. Bălan.”</p>
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<p>Ey smiled faintly. “Thanks, I guess. Why, though?”</p>
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<p>Ey smiled warily. “Thanks, I guess. Why, though?”</p>
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<p>“Why are they becoming myths?” She shrugged. “Life on the System is shaped by the modes of our existence. Creativity has assumed a level of primacy that was not feasible phys-side, and so successful creative works accelerate more quickly toward myth, here.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. “And you? What do you think of it?”</p>
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<p>“Of <em>Perils</em>?”</p>
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<p>“It…uh, yeah. What Codrin heard on Artemis…I mean…”</p>
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<p>The skunk tilted her head, gestured for em to continue.</p>
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<p><em>Doesn’t she know?</em> ey thought. <em>She has to. Is she faking it?</em></p>
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<p>“Well,” ey stammered, hastily backtracking through eir train of thought. Perhaps ey should feign ignorance as well. “All that about getting lost, and how fourthrace experienced similar and also dealt with long-term effects.”</p>
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<p>“Well,” ey stammered, hastily backtracking through eir train of thought. Perhaps ey should feign ignorance as well if that was indeed what she was doing. “All that about getting lost, and how fourthrace experienced similar and also dealt with long-term effects.”</p>
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<p>Still frowning, she nodded.</p>
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<p>“It was all bound up in some clade-eyes only thoughts,” ey hastened to add, hoping that the slight untruth would be enough. “Eir worries about Dear, Death Itself…but I don’t want to say anymore.”</p>
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<p>That seemed to have been enough, as the tenseness that had been building in her shoulders relaxed, though her frown remained. “Of course, yes, I did not mean to press. My apologies.”</p>
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<p>Ey shook eir head and waved a hand. “It’s okay, promise, I just had to disentangle all those thoughts really quickly.”</p>
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<p>Ey shook eir head and waved a hand. “It’s okay, I just had to disentangle all those thoughts really quickly.”</p>
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<p>“You are a very thoughtful person,” she said, a hint of a smile creeping back onto her muzzle. “In the common sense as well as in the sense that you seem to be at all times full of thoughts.”</p>
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<p>“I lost track of the number of times May’s accused me of living up in my head a long time ago, yeah.”</p>
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<p>“There is no harm in it, my dear. It serves you well.” She settled back against the couch once more and sighed. “Pleasant as it has been, I have spent more time talking than intended. I would like to get a bit of work done before I lose track of the threads, if that is alright.”</p>
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<p>And yet ey couldn’t stop emself from thinking, <em>Holy shit, I don’t think she knows.</em></p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-18</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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<p>Ioan half lay, half slouched against the headboard with May draped bonelessly up along eir front. She’d gotten up to make them both coffee to drink in bed, then proceed to doze off again, using eir chest as a pillow and the rest of em as mattress.</p>
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<p>Ey, meanwhile, had made it through most of eir coffee, resting the cup between the skunk’s shoulder blades between sips. It was technically Christmas, though neither of them cared much for the holiday, but that did mean it was the day for the <em>tocană și mămăligă</em> that had become tradition for them. Ey hadn’t learned to cook much prior to uploading — just a few simple dishes for a poor student — and it wasn’t until ey had wound up on the System in eir current sim that ey’d gone back to teach emself all the things ey’d loved growing up.</p>
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<p>It promised to be a lazy sort of day otherwise, which felt necessary. May’s spike of anxiety when ey’d gone out for coffee a few days prior had quickly tapered off, but it had not simply gone away. The days that followed had included a lot of asking em if ey was okay and taking breaks to sit and look out the picture windows, doing breathing exercises.</p>
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<p>Ey, meanwhile, had made it through most of eir coffee, resting the cup between the skunk’s shoulder blades between sips. It was technically Christmas, though neither of them cared much for the holiday, but that did mean it was the day for the <em>tocană</em> and <em>mămăligă</em> that had become tradition for them. Ey hadn’t learned to cook much prior to uploading — just a few simple dishes for a poor student — and it wasn’t until ey had wound up on the System in eir current sim that ey’d gone back to teach emself all the things ey’d loved growing up.</p>
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<p>It promised to be a lazy sort of day otherwise, which felt necessary. May’s spike of anxiety when ey’d gone out for coffee a few days prior had quickly tapered off, but it had not simply gone away. The days that followed had included a lot of asking em if ey was okay and taking breaks to sit and look out the picture windows, lost in thought.</p>
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<p>Still, last night had been delightful, with the skunk far more relaxed while they cooked — or tried to cook — shitty fast food for each other. After dinner, they moved to the couch with Ioan resting eir head in May’s lap so that she could tease her fingers through eir thick hair while they hummed silly little songs to each other.</p>
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<p>Today promised to be equally comfortable.</p>
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<p>Ey frowned when ey lifted eir mug, only to find it empty. Equally comfortable but for that, ey supposed.</p>
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<p>“One day, they’re going to find my dead body, clearly smothered to death, my eyebrows fully plucked, sand in my shoes, cracker crumbs in my bed, all of my pens un-capped, all of my book pages dog-eared, with skunk fur in all the food,” ey said, laughing. “I’m pretty sure they’ll know it was you.”</p>
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<p>She lifted her chin to park it on eir shoulder. “Mm, well, it is a risk I am willing to take.”</p>
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<p>Ey tilted eir head to give the top of her own a kiss. An awkward affair, but worth it. “You stay up too late again?”</p>
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<p>She shrugged noncommittally.</p>
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<p>She shrugged.</p>
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<p>“Well, you’re a pretty cozy blanket, if a little too warm, so I guess I’ll allow it.”</p>
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<p>Lifting her snout, she licked at eir shoulder, getting a laugh out of em. “Whereas you, my dear, are not a very good pillow. Just chock full of bones.”</p>
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<p>“I need those to live.”</p>
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<p>“I do!”</p>
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<p>She laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek. “Excellent, I shall allow you to live another day.”</p>
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<p>“You know, I’ve always wondered,” ey said, getting an arm around her. “Why did the most political stanza of the clade stay skunks? Wouldn’t it be more effective to be humans? It’s not like the majority of folks on the Systems are furries.”</p>
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<p>“Only three of the ten are skunks anymore, and you have met all three. Besides, I think End Waking is the only one of the three of us who has not spent time in human form. Some of me in other relationships were — or perhaps are — humans. I spent six months with you in that form, even. Remember?”</p>
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<p>“Only three of the ten are skunks anymore, and you have met all three. Besides, I think End Waking is the only one of the three of us who has not spent time in human form. Some of me in other relationships were — or perhaps are — humans. I spent six months with you in that form, even, remember?”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. “It was pretty weird.”</p>
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<p>“For both of us, yes. I like being what I am. Short, soft, furry, chubby,” she said, poking at her belly. “It is just that these are all things that are disarming to a great many people. Even skunks, despite their reputation for smelling bad, are more often seen as bumbling, stupid creatures.”</p>
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<p>“For both of us, yes. I like being what I am. Short, soft, furry, chubby,” she said, poking at her belly. “It is just that these are all things that are disarming to a great many people. Even skunks, despite their reputation for smelling bad, are often seen as bumbling, stupid creatures.”</p>
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<p>“I wouldn’t call you stupid, May. Bumbling, though…”</p>
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<p>She rolled her eyes. “Thank you, I think? But yes, even bumbling is a calculated gesture to be inoffensive.”</p>
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<p>“End Waking said similar.” Ey dug through eir exocortices until ey came up with the line, “He said it was a matter of intent.”</p>
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<p>“End Waking said similar.” Ey dug through eir exocortices until ey came up with the memory of the conversation, “He said it was a matter of intent.”</p>
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<p>“It is, yes. I am sure that some of the wider clade who remain skunks are so without a second thought, but that is not how True Name worked, and so it is not how we work.”</p>
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<p>“And she did that for the same reasons? To be inoffensive?”</p>
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<p>She nodded. “In a way. At first, she could not be anything but, as that is how she was forked, but she kept it because of the way the Council worked. She was a skunk, Debarre was a weasel, Ezekiel spent half the time looking like a shambling pile of dirty rags and the other half like an unhoused man, and user11824 looked like the least remarkable person possible, as though your eyes simply slid right off of him. The ethos of the Council was to be just ordinary people who were weird before uploading and remained weird after.”</p>
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<p>“Jonas wasn’t that weird when I met him.”</p>
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<p>She made a sour face. “But everything that he did was intentional. Every aspect of his appearance and personality.”</p>
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<p>Ey nodded. It certainly tallied from eir memories.</p>
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<p>Ey nodded.</p>
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<p>“But I think True Name kept it after the Council disbanded for much the same reasons. She is a furry because there are plenty of furries on the System. She remains in her early thirties because that is what one expects out of those on the System. She is not unattractive among furries, maintaining that soft figure and well kept appearance without heading towards sex-symbol because that is what many on the System wind up doing. She is professional, I am cute, Why Ask Questions is that shithead at the bar that everyone loves, and so on.”</p>
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<p>“Right, that makes sense.” Ey hesitated, composing eir next words carefully. “You talk about her quite a bit. I know that–“</p>
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<p>“You asked, Ioan,” she said, frowning.</p>
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<p>“You asked, Ioan,” she interrupted, frowning.</p>
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<p>“I know, May, I just mean in general. I know you’re consciously working on how you feel about her and I keep bringing her up besides. Just an observation.”</p>
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<p>The moment of tenseness lingered, then passed as she wilted against em, sighing. “I know. I did not mean to get snippy. You are right, and I am not sure how I feel about that fact, that she is so often on my mind. My feelings remain complex.”</p>
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<p>“Oh, I definitely get that.”</p>
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<p>I’ve noticed that you and May have a tendency to talk about each other quite a bit. I know that there are a lot of factors that go into this such as my relationships with each of you, your shared history, and the fact that I have a habit of asking each of you about the other in turn.</p>
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<p>All the same, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the matter. I don’t want to sound meddlesome (indeed, I don’t think I’d even be capable of meddling with either of you), I just want to better understand each of you in turn, given the dynamics between us.</p>
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<p>I know it’s not a huge deal for either of our clades, but all the same, Merry Christmas.</p>
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<p>Wishing you the best,</p>
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<p>Best,</p>
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<p>Ioan</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Ey read through the letter top to bottom three times, then, with a brush of the hand and a bit of intent, sent it on its way.</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>That night, when she brought up this message, she mentioned that she believed me when I said that I love her in my own way.</p>
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<p>I understand the root of her feelings towards me and, as I also mentioned on that night, I do not begrudge her that. I will ever be what I am, and what that is does not mesh well with her view of the world, even as it is integral to my existence.</p>
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<p>Just as she said that she still believes me, it is also true that I still love her. Codrin reported that Why Ask Questions said, “I have yet to meet a single person who has not fallen at least a little in love with May.” It is perhaps a little bit of that, but in my own inescapably me way, but beyond that I love her as the version of me that I did not become.</p>
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<p>Just as she said that she still believes me, it is also true that I still love her. Codrin reported that Why Ask Questions said, “I have yet to meet a single person who has not fallen at least a little in love with May.” It is perhaps a little bit of that in my own inescapably me way, but beyond that I love her as the version of me that I did not become.</p>
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<p>Were you to ask me at the time, or even just a year ago, I do not think that I would have admitted such aloud, but even as I suspect that she is working on her thoughts about me with Ms. Genet, I have been working with Ms. Genet on my ability to be truly earnest with those I respect, which includes you.</p>
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<p>I do not hold regrets for the path that has led us to this point. I have accomplished much that I set out to do, and, while the cost has been great when it comes to my interpersonal relationships (and, as you mentioned, my stress levels), it all very much still feels worth it.</p>
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<p>Consciously or not, I make it a point to ask you how she is doing and to engage with her at one degree of remove because this is still a way to maintain that level of connection with someone I could have been after so long a time of disconnect.</p>
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<p><strong>END IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL</strong></p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>Ey read the letter through a few more times, trying to digest all that it contained, trying to square this with what May had said of True Name steering her subtly into eir life, trying once again not to read too deep and guess that True Name#Castor simply hadn’t told her about Codrin learning the Name.</p>
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<p>Finally, acknowledging that ey wouldn’t be able to digest it all in one go, ey dashed off a quick reply thanking True Name for the letter and confirming the time of the next meeting. Then, ey committed the letter to a new exo ey tagged “True Name–May 225” and destroyed the physical copy.</p>
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<p>Finally, acknowledging that ey wouldn’t be able to digest it all in one go, ey dashed off a quick reply thanking True Name for the letter and confirming the time of the next meeting. Then, ey committed the letter to a new exo ey tagged “True Name–May 225” and destroyed the physical copy.<!-- For Selected Letters, put in that exo --></p>
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<p>“May?” ey said, dropping eir cone of silence.</p>
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<p>“Mm?”</p>
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<p>“I was confirming a date with True Name and she said I should ask you about something called ‘Jingle Bells stage blocking’. Do you know–“</p>
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<p>Ey laughed and shook eir head, leaning forward to ruffle over her ears. “You’re right, I don’t. I’ll just have to trust you on that. Skunks are so weird.”</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-19</p>
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<p>Page generated on 2022-07-29</p>
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