update from sparkleup
This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
parent
45c029c738
commit
e89c5a8a2f
|
|
@ -79,14 +79,14 @@
|
|||
<p>I am not comfortable with this change in myself, but I will continue to work on it.</p>
|
||||
<p>What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yesterday, about how I left Saint John’s. She knew this fact, of course, we’d talked about it before.</p>
|
||||
<p>What she did not know, however, was that I had left of my own accord. At some point along the way, she had picked up on the idea that perhaps I had been ushered out unwillingly. When pressed as to why, she said,</p>
|
||||
<p>5:31 PM Kay> Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>5:31 PM Kay></em> Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.</p>
|
||||
<p>My reply:</p>
|
||||
<p>5:31 PM Dee> Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>5:31 PM Dee></em> Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.</p>
|
||||
<p>This probably would have been the best time for me to broach the topic, but I can point to this spot definitively as where I chickened out. Instead, I continued,</p>
|
||||
<p>5:33 PM Dee> What lead to that assessment? I’m curious.</p>
|
||||
<p>5:33 PM Kay> I’m not sure. You’re a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.</p>
|
||||
<p>5:33 PM Dee> I think I’m just terrible at communicating.</p>
|
||||
<p>5:33 PM Kay> Also a possibility!</p>
|
||||
<p><em>5:33 PM Dee></em> What lead to that assessment? I’m curious.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>5:33 PM Kay></em> I’m not sure. You’re a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>5:33 PM Dee></em> I think I’m just terrible at communicating.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>5:33 PM Kay></em> Also a possibility!</p>
|
||||
<p>From there I explained much of what I had talked about earlier, about how I started to doubt my calling, rather than my faith or scriptures, and yet how my decision to leave had come suddenly enough to surprise even myself.</p>
|
||||
<p>Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the school itself.</p>
|
||||
<p>!{Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?</p>
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
@ -170,34 +170,34 @@
|
|||
<p>The discussion afterwards was fine. We talked a little bit about other long-term decisions that therapists had run into — things like divorce, changing careers, and so on — as well as some other personal stories. It only lasted a little bit, but since it was time taken out of our normal shared lunch break, no one was eager to stick around, least of all myself.</p>
|
||||
<p>Again, corporate nonsense.</p>
|
||||
<p>I shared a bit of this with Kay and she sent me an eye-roll emoji, followed by</p>
|
||||
<p>6:03 PM Kay> It’s bullshit like this that has me glad I’m still in academia. Not that libraries are immune or anything, but they’re strange in that you’re either a page or assistant like me or you had at least a masters degree.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:03 PM Dee> I have a masters.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:06 PM Kay> Well, fair enough. Still, I think libraries have this ivory tower nonsense going on in ways that places like you work don’t. Reference librarians stick to their subjects, book binders stay in the bindery, book purchasers buy books, assistive tech people deal with assistive tech, etc etc. There’s no real effort to bUiLd a TeAm in the same way as it sounds like is happening with you and every other office drone I know.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:06 PM Dee> I’d shake my fist at you for calling me an office drone, but you’re not wrong.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:06 PM Kay> I bet you dress in business casual.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:03 PM Kay></em> It’s bullshit like this that has me glad I’m still in academia. Not that libraries are immune or anything, but they’re strange in that you’re either a page or assistant like me or you had at least a masters degree.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:03 PM Dee></em> I have a masters.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:06 PM Kay></em> Well, fair enough. Still, I think libraries have this ivory tower nonsense going on in ways that places like you work don’t. Reference librarians stick to their subjects, book binders stay in the bindery, book purchasers buy books, assistive tech people deal with assistive tech, etc etc. There’s no real effort to bUiLd a TeAm in the same way as it sounds like is happening with you and every other office drone I know.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:06 PM Dee></em> I’d shake my fist at you for calling me an office drone, but you’re not wrong.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:06 PM Kay></em> I bet you dress in business casual.</p>
|
||||
<p>I laughed and typed back:</p>
|
||||
<p>6:07 PM Dee> Of course I do! Have to look professional after all.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:07 PM Kay> Do you call it “biz cas”? If you do, I will block you immediately.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:07 PM Dee> I do not, thank goodness. I call it a button up shirt and slacks like a normal person.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:08 PM Kay> You are absolutely in no way a normal person.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:08 PM Kay> What did you wind up talking about anyway?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:07 PM Dee></em> Of course I do! Have to look professional after all.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:07 PM Kay></em> Do you call it “biz cas”? If you do, I will block you immediately.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:07 PM Dee></em> I do not, thank goodness. I call it a button up shirt and slacks like a normal person.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:08 PM Kay></em> You are absolutely in no way a normal person.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:08 PM Kay></em> What did you wind up talking about anyway?</p>
|
||||
<p>I sent her the essay and then waited for her to read, feeling anxious, as I always seem to when sharing anything related to religion with Kay. She’s never been anything but kind-but-disinterested when the topic has come up before.</p>
|
||||
<p>Finally:</p>
|
||||
<p>6:12 PM Kay> I mean, it sounds like a fluff presentation.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:12 PM Dee> It was hardly an academic conference.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:13 PM Kay> Yeah, but it’s not really -about- anything, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:14 PM Dee> I guess, yeah. Just a loose compilation of thoughts. I wanted to be the first so I don’t have to worry about any presentations for a while.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:14 PM Kay> Hahaha! So cynical, Dee! Never knew you had it in you.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:14 PM Kay> Especially given this apparently pretty earnest speech.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:15 PM Dee> It was earnest! I am cynical! I contain multitudes.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:15 PM Kay> Now I’m just picturing you as a priest.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:16 PM Dee> Black cassock and Roman collar? Or all the vestments for mass?</p>
|
||||
<p>6:16 PM Kay> Oh, the black one. Total hot priest vibes. You just have to wear that and call everyone “my child” or whatever and the girls will be all over you.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:12 PM Kay></em> I mean, it sounds like a fluff presentation.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:12 PM Dee></em> It was hardly an academic conference.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:13 PM Kay></em> Yeah, but it’s not really -about- anything, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:14 PM Dee></em> I guess, yeah. Just a loose compilation of thoughts. I wanted to be the first so I don’t have to worry about any presentations for a while.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:14 PM Kay></em> Hahaha! So cynical, Dee! Never knew you had it in you.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:14 PM Kay></em> Especially given this apparently pretty earnest speech.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:15 PM Dee></em> It was earnest! I am cynical! I contain multitudes.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:15 PM Kay></em> Now I’m just picturing you as a priest.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:16 PM Dee></em> Black cassock and Roman collar? Or all the vestments for mass?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:16 PM Kay></em> Oh, the black one. Total hot priest vibes. You just have to wear that and call everyone “my child” or whatever and the girls will be all over you.</p>
|
||||
<p>Gears crunched to a halt in my mind. I must have sat there, staring at that message, for several minutes, trying to parse out just how much of it might have been serious.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:21 PM Kay> Sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive…</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:21 PM Kay></em> Sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive…</p>
|
||||
<p>I rubbed my hands over my snout before replying:</p>
|
||||
<p>6:25 PM Dee> No no! Just never really thought about “hot priest” being a thing.</p>
|
||||
<p>6:25 PM Kay> You’re just not on the right parts of the internet.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:25 PM Dee></em> No no! Just never really thought about “hot priest” being a thing.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>6:25 PM Kay></em> You’re just not on the right parts of the internet.</p>
|
||||
<p>The conversation wound down from there, so now I’m writing up my journal and turning Kay’s words over and over in my head. They fit strangely into my image of myself. ‘Hot priest’? ‘Girls all over me’? There isn’t a universe in which either of these things is true. I am no judge of how attractive I am and have never bothered to ask, but the idea of a priest being sexy makes my head ache. They are two completely separate concepts in my mind, a Venn diagram with no overlap.</p>
|
||||
<p>And having ‘girls all over me’ just sounds unpleasant no matter how I take it. If I can’t deal with more than three or four people in a room at a time, how would I deal with that in some situation that might suggest intimacy? And in the more idiomatic sense, well, I can’t even deal with attraction towards just one girl.</p>
|
||||
<hr />
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
@ -12,125 +12,125 @@
|
|||
<h1>Zk | 10-grand-gesture</h1>
|
||||
</header>
|
||||
<article class="content">
|
||||
<p>7:24 PM Dee> Been thinking.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:26 PM Dee> We still talk a lot, and I really like that. For having only had a little bit of time together at UI, it’s nice that we’ve been able to keep up with each other.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:26 PM Kay> Yeah?</p>
|
||||
<p>7:26 PM Kay> I mean, I like it too.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:27 PM Kay> I only talk to you and like two classmates from that time, and one only because he’s also up here in Boise.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:27 PM Dee> Yeah.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:28 PM Dee> So I don’t know if this is weird or not. It’s not something I’ve ever done or</p>
|
||||
<p>7:28 PM Kay> ?</p>
|
||||
<p>7:31 PM Dee> Not something I’ve ever done or really felt, but I think I really like you.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:31 PM Dee> Know I really like you.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:31 PM Dee> And goodness knows I have no idea what to do about it.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:31 PM Dee> It’s taken me weeks to even get to the point where I could say that.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:32 PM Kay> Huh…</p>
|
||||
<p>7:33 PM Dee> ???</p>
|
||||
<p>7:34 PM Kay> I like you too, but I’m not sure if it’s in the same way?</p>
|
||||
<p>7:34 PM Kay> Assuming you mean romantically.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:34 PM Dee> Yes.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:35 PM Kay> Yeah, see.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:35 PM Kay> I don’t know.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:35 PM Dee> I don’t either, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:37 PM Kay> I’m really not sure how to take this conversation haha</p>
|
||||
<p>7:40 PM Kay> I hope that’s not</p>
|
||||
<p>7:40 PM Kay> I don’t know</p>
|
||||
<p>7:40 PM Kay> Painful?</p>
|
||||
<p>7:45 PM Dee> Well.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:45 PM Kay> Yeah, sorry…</p>
|
||||
<p>7:45 PM Dee> No no, I mean</p>
|
||||
<p>7:45 PM Dee> Well, it is, but that’s not quite where I was going, hah.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:46 PM Kay> Sorry. I’ll let you type.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:50 PM Dee> I don’t really know what I wanted out of this conversation, to be honest. I wasn’t even intending for it to be a conversation, at least right off the bat. I had a whole email written up that I was going to send you, to be perfectly nerdy about it.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:54 PM Dee> Feelings like this aren’t logical. At least, they don’t feel logical So I think I just wanted to say that because I don’t know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:54 PM Dee> And I should add</p>
|
||||
<p>7:55 PM Dee> The goal is specifically NOT to do that. It wasn’t to try and rope you into something you don’t want to do, and I don’t want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:55 PM Dee> Guilt you into it or whatever.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:56 PM Dee> But I did want to talk about it and get it off my chest.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:57 PM Dee> And I guess that’s it.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:57 PM Kay> Alright.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:58 PM Kay> I mean, I don’t think you could guilt the wings off a fly, Dee.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:58 PM Kay> The whole Catholic thing is guilting yourself, right?</p>
|
||||
<p>7:59 PM Dee> That’s a bit of an uncharitable way to put it.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:59 PM Kay> Sorry. You know I don’t understand it.</p>
|
||||
<p>7:59 PM Dee> Yeah.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:00 PM Kay> And that’s maybe part of it.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:00 PM Dee> How so?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:01 PM Kay> How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe the same stuff?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:01 PM Kay> Doesn’t believe ANY of it, I mean.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:01 PM Kay> I’m not going to knock it or anything, but I’m not going to try it, either.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:02 PM Kay> I’m sorry.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:02 PM Dee> Hah.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:02 PM Dee> Sorry, that came out weird?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:06 PM Dee> Seriously, though, I really don’t know. This whole thing, this whole crush or whatever it is, I don’t know what the end goal of it is. It’s limerence, it’s something that’s happening to me, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s this enormous feeling and you’re the limerent object, and I hate that my brain is doing it.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:07 PM Dee> And at the same time, I really do like you, and that is something I am happy to accommodate even in the context of our friendship.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:07 PM Dee> Because above all else, I’m simply happy to have you as my friend.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:07 PM Kay> Same!</p>
|
||||
<p>8:09 PM Dee> And even if a relationship isn’t in our future, that’s totally okay.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:10 PM Kay> Thanks Dee <3</p>
|
||||
<p>8:10 PM Kay> I don’t know, it’s weird.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:11 PM Kay> I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:11 PM Kay> Not like you were being a weirdo.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:11 PM Kay> Or any more than usual 😺</p>
|
||||
<p>8:13 PM Kay> Just little things about how you acted when I was over. Nothing bad, just you had a certain distance about you, like you were being extra careful about something or guarding something. Like, every time you came over to my place and wound up sitting in my bed or something, you’d get all quiet.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:13 PM Kay> I realize after the fact that that was probably super weird for you. Sorry about that.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:14 PM Dee> Oh, are you saying I was more awkward than usual? Shock and surprise!</p>
|
||||
<p>8:14 PM Kay> Haha</p>
|
||||
<p>8:17 PM Dee> It was weird, but please don’t put that on you. I just…yeah, I was fighting with my emotions at the time, and huddling on your bed where literally all I could smell was you and with you being the sole focus of my attention, it was…well.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:18 PM Dee> Intense, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:18 PM Kay> I bet.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:18 PM Kay> Still, I’m sorry, Dee.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:19 PM Kay> I won’t say my <code>no' is absolute and forever, I can't predict that, but it is a</code>no’ for now.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:19 PM Dee> Thanks, Kay.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:20 PM Dee> For being so open about it, I mean.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:20 PM Dee> And honest, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:21 PM Dee> Uh…and to continue being awkward for at least a moment longer, are you okay remaining friends?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:21 PM Kay> Dee I swear to god</p>
|
||||
<p>8:22 PM Kay> If you did anything to make me not want to be your friend any longer a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I’d go fucking nuts because I wasn’t kidding about you being just about the only friend I have that I can talk to.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:22 PM Kay> We’re friends, okay? If a friendship can’t take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P</p>
|
||||
<p>8:23 PM Dee> Haha. Well, good. I’m not keen on getting my ass kicked, and ditto. I’d rather have my nails pulled out that lose you as a friend.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:23 PM Kay> Gross</p>
|
||||
<p>8:23 PM Kay> 😺</p>
|
||||
<p>8:25 PM Dee> It feels surprisingly good to get that out.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:25 PM Kay> Even if it isn’t the outcome you wanted?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:26 PM Dee> It’s weird.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:27 PM Dee> I’m not sure what outcome it is that I really wanted.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:29 PM Dee> I mean, not gonna lie, if we’d wound up going out or whatever, that would’ve been nice! But I don’t think that was ACTUALLY my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:29 PM Kay> I bet!</p>
|
||||
<p>8:30 PM Kay> How long has it been, anyway?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:31 PM Kay> Shit. If you don’t mind me asking, that is. I don’t want to draw it out if this is just continuing to hurt you or anything 😿</p>
|
||||
<p>8:32 PM Dee> No, it’s okay! It’s made me a weird, giggly mess for some reason because apparently I’m still twelve, admitting that I have a crush, but it’s good to talk about.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:32 PM Dee> Way better than an email would have been, yikes.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:32 PM Dee> But it’s been about six months? A bit longer?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:33 PM Kay> Can I just say that you writing up a whole-ass email to tell me that you like me is the most Dee possible thing that I can think of?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:33 PM Dee> Listen.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:33 PM Dee> I set up an archetype for myself and have no choice but to live up to it.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:33 PM Kay> Nerd</p>
|
||||
<p>8:35 PM Kay> What was even in the email?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:35 PM Dee> I still have it in drafts. Want me to just send it?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:35 PM Kay> Sure</p>
|
||||
<p>8:43 PM Kay> Oh Dee</p>
|
||||
<p>8:43 PM Kay> This is incredibly sweet, jesus</p>
|
||||
<p>8:43 PM Kay> fuck haha</p>
|
||||
<p>8:43 PM Kay> got me all sniffly</p>
|
||||
<p>8:44 PM Kay> You’re still a total nerd</p>
|
||||
<p>8:45 PM Kay> But whoever you wind up with is gonna be the luckiest gal out there</p>
|
||||
<p>8:45 PM Kay> Man, I’m sorry</p>
|
||||
<p>8:46 PM Dee> ??</p>
|
||||
<p>8:47 PM Kay> I feel like I’m teasing you by saying that 😿</p>
|
||||
<p>8:47 PM Dee> I don’t feel teased.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:48 PM Dee> A bit…bashful, maybe?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:48 PM Dee> And I’m not going to lie that hearing that makes me a little bit hopeful for the future, but I stand by what I said that I’m alright with your answer, and am happy to have you as a friend.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:49 PM Kay> Uh</p>
|
||||
<p>8:49 PM Kay> Yeah, I don’t know</p>
|
||||
<p>8:49 PM Kay> Let’s talk about it in the future sometime, then? Because yeah, like</p>
|
||||
<p>8:50 PM Kay> Maybe we could make it work?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:51 PM Kay> But just not right now</p>
|
||||
<p>8:51 PM Kay> I can picture it in my mind, and you’re cute and sweet and we have fun, but I guess I just can’t say yes right now.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:52 PM Dee> For the future, then.</p>
|
||||
<p>8:52 PM Dee> For now, I’m gonna go order some food. Not to put an artificial stopper in this, but maybe we can just chill with a movie or something after?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:53 PM Kay> Yeah, sounds good 😺 Sci-fi bullshit?</p>
|
||||
<p>8:53 PM Dee> Oh, definitely sci-fi bullshit</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:24 PM Dee></em> Been thinking.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:26 PM Dee></em> We still talk a lot, and I really like that. For having only had a little bit of time together at UI, it’s nice that we’ve been able to keep up with each other.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:26 PM Kay></em> Yeah?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:26 PM Kay></em> I mean, I like it too.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:27 PM Kay></em> I only talk to you and like two classmates from that time, and one only because he’s also up here in Boise.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:27 PM Dee></em> Yeah.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:28 PM Dee></em> So I don’t know if this is weird or not. It’s not something I’ve ever done or</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:28 PM Kay></em> ?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:31 PM Dee></em> Not something I’ve ever done or really felt, but I think I really like you.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:31 PM Dee></em> Know I really like you.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:31 PM Dee></em> And goodness knows I have no idea what to do about it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:31 PM Dee></em> It’s taken me weeks to even get to the point where I could say that.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:32 PM Kay></em> Huh…</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:33 PM Dee></em> ???</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:34 PM Kay></em> I like you too, but I’m not sure if it’s in the same way?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:34 PM Kay></em> Assuming you mean romantically.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:34 PM Dee></em> Yes.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:35 PM Kay></em> Yeah, see.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:35 PM Kay></em> I don’t know.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:35 PM Dee></em> I don’t either, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:37 PM Kay></em> I’m really not sure how to take this conversation haha</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:40 PM Kay></em> I hope that’s not</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:40 PM Kay></em> I don’t know</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:40 PM Kay></em> Painful?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:45 PM Dee></em> Well.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:45 PM Kay></em> Yeah, sorry…</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:45 PM Dee></em> No no, I mean</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:45 PM Dee></em> Well, it is, but that’s not quite where I was going, hah.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:46 PM Kay></em> Sorry. I’ll let you type.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:50 PM Dee></em> I don’t really know what I wanted out of this conversation, to be honest. I wasn’t even intending for it to be a conversation, at least right off the bat. I had a whole email written up that I was going to send you, to be perfectly nerdy about it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:54 PM Dee></em> Feelings like this aren’t logical. At least, they don’t feel logical So I think I just wanted to say that because I don’t know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:54 PM Dee></em> And I should add</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:55 PM Dee></em> The goal is specifically NOT to do that. It wasn’t to try and rope you into something you don’t want to do, and I don’t want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:55 PM Dee></em> Guilt you into it or whatever.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:56 PM Dee></em> But I did want to talk about it and get it off my chest.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:57 PM Dee></em> And I guess that’s it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:57 PM Kay></em> Alright.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:58 PM Kay></em> I mean, I don’t think you could guilt the wings off a fly, Dee.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:58 PM Kay></em> The whole Catholic thing is guilting yourself, right?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:59 PM Dee></em> That’s a bit of an uncharitable way to put it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:59 PM Kay></em> Sorry. You know I don’t understand it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>7:59 PM Dee></em> Yeah.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:00 PM Kay></em> And that’s maybe part of it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:00 PM Dee></em> How so?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:01 PM Kay></em> How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe the same stuff?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:01 PM Kay></em> Doesn’t believe ANY of it, I mean.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:01 PM Kay></em> I’m not going to knock it or anything, but I’m not going to try it, either.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:02 PM Kay></em> I’m sorry.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:02 PM Dee></em> Hah.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:02 PM Dee></em> Sorry, that came out weird?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:06 PM Dee></em> Seriously, though, I really don’t know. This whole thing, this whole crush or whatever it is, I don’t know what the end goal of it is. It’s limerence, it’s something that’s happening to me, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s this enormous feeling and you’re the limerent object, and I hate that my brain is doing it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:07 PM Dee></em> And at the same time, I really do like you, and that is something I am happy to accommodate even in the context of our friendship.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:07 PM Dee></em> Because above all else, I’m simply happy to have you as my friend.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:07 PM Kay></em> Same!</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:09 PM Dee></em> And even if a relationship isn’t in our future, that’s totally okay.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:10 PM Kay></em> Thanks Dee <3</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:10 PM Kay></em> I don’t know, it’s weird.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:11 PM Kay></em> I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:11 PM Kay></em> Not like you were being a weirdo.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:11 PM Kay></em> Or any more than usual 😺</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:13 PM Kay></em> Just little things about how you acted when I was over. Nothing bad, just you had a certain distance about you, like you were being extra careful about something or guarding something. Like, every time you came over to my place and wound up sitting in my bed or something, you’d get all quiet.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:13 PM Kay></em> I realize after the fact that that was probably super weird for you. Sorry about that.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:14 PM Dee></em> Oh, are you saying I was more awkward than usual? Shock and surprise!</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:14 PM Kay></em> Haha</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:17 PM Dee></em> It was weird, but please don’t put that on you. I just…yeah, I was fighting with my emotions at the time, and huddling on your bed where literally all I could smell was you and with you being the sole focus of my attention, it was…well.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:18 PM Dee></em> Intense, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:18 PM Kay></em> I bet.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:18 PM Kay></em> Still, I’m sorry, Dee.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:19 PM Kay></em> I won’t say my <code>no' is absolute and forever, I can't predict that, but it is a</code>no’ for now.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:19 PM Dee></em> Thanks, Kay.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:20 PM Dee></em> For being so open about it, I mean.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:20 PM Dee></em> And honest, I guess.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:21 PM Dee></em> Uh…and to continue being awkward for at least a moment longer, are you okay remaining friends?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:21 PM Kay></em> Dee I swear to god</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:22 PM Kay></em> If you did anything to make me not want to be your friend any longer a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I’d go fucking nuts because I wasn’t kidding about you being just about the only friend I have that I can talk to.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:22 PM Kay></em> We’re friends, okay? If a friendship can’t take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:23 PM Dee></em> Haha. Well, good. I’m not keen on getting my ass kicked, and ditto. I’d rather have my nails pulled out that lose you as a friend.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:23 PM Kay></em> Gross</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:23 PM Kay></em> 😺</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:25 PM Dee></em> It feels surprisingly good to get that out.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:25 PM Kay></em> Even if it isn’t the outcome you wanted?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:26 PM Dee></em> It’s weird.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:27 PM Dee></em> I’m not sure what outcome it is that I really wanted.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:29 PM Dee></em> I mean, not gonna lie, if we’d wound up going out or whatever, that would’ve been nice! But I don’t think that was ACTUALLY my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:29 PM Kay></em> I bet!</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:30 PM Kay></em> How long has it been, anyway?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:31 PM Kay></em> Shit. If you don’t mind me asking, that is. I don’t want to draw it out if this is just continuing to hurt you or anything 😿</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:32 PM Dee></em> No, it’s okay! It’s made me a weird, giggly mess for some reason because apparently I’m still twelve, admitting that I have a crush, but it’s good to talk about.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:32 PM Dee></em> Way better than an email would have been, yikes.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:32 PM Dee></em> But it’s been about six months? A bit longer?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:33 PM Kay></em> Can I just say that you writing up a whole-ass email to tell me that you like me is the most Dee possible thing that I can think of?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:33 PM Dee></em> Listen.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:33 PM Dee></em> I set up an archetype for myself and have no choice but to live up to it.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:33 PM Kay></em> Nerd</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:35 PM Kay></em> What was even in the email?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:35 PM Dee></em> I still have it in drafts. Want me to just send it?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:35 PM Kay></em> Sure</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:43 PM Kay></em> Oh Dee</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:43 PM Kay></em> This is incredibly sweet, jesus</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:43 PM Kay></em> fuck haha</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:43 PM Kay></em> got me all sniffly</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:44 PM Kay></em> You’re still a total nerd</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:45 PM Kay></em> But whoever you wind up with is gonna be the luckiest gal out there</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:45 PM Kay></em> Man, I’m sorry</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:46 PM Dee></em> ??</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:47 PM Kay></em> I feel like I’m teasing you by saying that 😿</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:47 PM Dee></em> I don’t feel teased.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:48 PM Dee></em> A bit…bashful, maybe?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:48 PM Dee></em> And I’m not going to lie that hearing that makes me a little bit hopeful for the future, but I stand by what I said that I’m alright with your answer, and am happy to have you as a friend.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:49 PM Kay></em> Uh</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:49 PM Kay></em> Yeah, I don’t know</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:49 PM Kay></em> Let’s talk about it in the future sometime, then? Because yeah, like</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:50 PM Kay></em> Maybe we could make it work?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:51 PM Kay></em> But just not right now</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:51 PM Kay></em> I can picture it in my mind, and you’re cute and sweet and we have fun, but I guess I just can’t say yes right now.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:52 PM Dee></em> For the future, then.</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:52 PM Dee></em> For now, I’m gonna go order some food. Not to put an artificial stopper in this, but maybe we can just chill with a movie or something after?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:53 PM Kay></em> Yeah, sounds good 😺 Sci-fi bullshit?</p>
|
||||
<p><em>8:53 PM Dee></em> Oh, definitely sci-fi bullshit</p>
|
||||
<hr />
|
||||
</article>
|
||||
<footer>
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
Loading…
Reference in New Issue