update from sparkleup

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/61.md

@@ -64,9 +64,11 @@ A soft hum on the other side of the screen, that soft noise the priest always ma
 
 The weight on my shoulders slid down and off of me. "Thank you, Father."
 
-That was Wednesday, and coming on Friday evening, now, I still do not know the root of my jealousy.
+That was Wednesday, and coming on Friday evening, now, I still do not know the root of my jealousy. I waffle still.
 
-I waffle still. Sometimes, it feels like envy. It feels like I'm craving something that I cannot have, something that is being kept from me in some form or another. Other times, however, I recognize that there is nothing keeping me from 'having' Dee, and that perhaps I am simply jealous of something that I do not yet have, but see myself having in the future.
+Sometimes, it feels like envy. It feels like I'm craving something that I cannot have, something that is being kept from me in some form or another. By whom? Who would possibly be keeping me from Kay? Kay herself? God? Myself? I cannot begin to place any sort of blame on any one source.
+
+Other times, however, I recognize that there is nothing keeping me from 'having' Dee, and that perhaps I am simply jealous of something that I do not yet have, but see myself having in the future.
 
 And other times still, both words fail, and I'm left simply with yearning.
 

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/71.md

@@ -22,8 +22,14 @@ I suspect there must be some similarity to addiction here; the overwhelming pung
 
 Similarly, this crush, if that's all it is anymore, requires of me a constant level of maintenance. I have to feed it fantasies, have to pour into it energy. I have to dream, both at night and during the day. I have to imagine the feeling of our fingers intertwining.
 
-It is a negative part of my life in both its concrete and emotional effects. It feels perilously close to sin. I think that's why I sought out confession. What was it the priest had said? *Ask yourself who it is that you are hurting in these situations.*
+It is a negative part of my life in both its concrete and emotional effects. It feels perilously close to sin.
 
-I remember the surety of knowledge after that, that the only one I was hurting through these struggles was myself.
+I think that's why I sought out confession. What was it the priest had said? *Ask yourself who it is that you are hurting in these situations.*
+
+I remember the surety of knowledge after that, that the only one I was hurting through these struggles was myself. And now I have better language for that, that this pain is egodystonia. Limerence is something that rankles with my identity, as negative a part of my life as it is.
+
+Liking someone isn't a sin. It cannot be, must not be. But here I am, wallowing in my own pain, and that is where I veer close to sin.
+
+I don't know. I'm spinning my wheels, talking in circles. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here. To name a feeling may be to understand it, but understanding has gotten me nowhere, has purchased me nothing but a deeper ache in my gut, and now I must feed my desires all over again.
 
 [^codependence]: I suspect that their relationship is codependent, as I think that her husband gets as much out of taking care of her as she gets out of him taking the lead. However, I don't think that it's abusive or manipulative in anyway, simply that this is the way that their relationship works. If there is any negative aspect to the codependency, that, I suspect, is egosyntonic.

writing/sawtooth/limerent-object/index.md

@@ -59,7 +59,7 @@ Epigraph: εκαρδίωσας ημάς ενί από οφθαλμών σου ε
 * [o] [Dee chickens out](60)
 * [o] [Confession](61)
 * [o] [Projection](70)
-* [.] [Egodystonic attraction](71)
+* [o] [Egodystonic attraction](71)
 * [ ] [Lunch 3 with Kay](72)
 * [ ] [Calling Borenson](80)
 * [ ] [Talking with God](86)